Why is not wanting friends a bad thing?

[Judge]

Let's just say that for whatever reasons, some of us are destined to have few people in our social orbit.

A winter's day
In a deep and dark December
I am alone
Gazing from my window to the streets below
On a freshly fallen silent shroud of snow
I am a rock
I am an island
I've built walls
A fortress deep and mighty
That none may penetrate
I have no need of friendship; friendship causes pain
It's laughter and it's loving I disdain
I am a rock
I am an island
Don't talk of love
Well I've heard the word before
It's sleeping in my memory
I won't disturb the slumber of feelings that have died
If I never loved I never would have cried
I am a rock
I am an island
I have my books
And my poetry to protect me
I am shielded in my armor
Hiding in my room, safe within my womb
I touch no one and no one touches me
I am a rock
I am an island
And a rock feels no pain
And an island never cries

"I Am A Rock" - Paul Simon

 

[SusanLR]

@Judge
I always said this is the my theme song!

 

[GrownupGirl]

I'm thinking of making a cartoon called My Little Phony: Friendship is Overrated.

 

[FIVER]

I think it's not uncommon for those on the spectrum to have difficulties relating with peers, especially when growing up. I find I often get along better with those who are a generation older.

Or younger

 

[risootser]

That is more of a schizoid thing than autistic but it co-occurs.

I usually get very bored being around people. Not right kind of stimulation.

I kind of like social gatherings but intimacy makes me uncomfortable. I start to get weird ideas around closeness and so on.

It is kind of hard to be social without friends. I'd like to be more social but not have friends.

 

[garnetflower13]

Or younger

Out of three people I've kept in touch with, one is 85, and the others are 10 and 12 years younger than me.

 

[Matthias]

Not having friends is a bad thing because having friends or other close relationships is what makes life enjoyable. While it's possible to be content being alone, I don't think I've ever met any loners who were truly happy.

 

[Au Naturel]

If friends aren't inherently rewarding, then not actively wanting them is reasonable. It isn't reasonable to reject the notion entirely because you might just meet a person with whom you click. I had no friends at all for years until I stumbled onto a wargaming shop where some of the people were very accepting. People who had been thru their own version of hell and understood a tiny bit of mine. A man who'd been torn apart by the Vietnam War, a boy who was transgender back in the 1980s when it was far more stigmatized than it is today, a man who was a quadriplegic with polio because his parents had been anti-vaxxers in the 1950s. And a woman who ended up being my (distant) future wife's cousin.

 

[Shamar]

Not having friends is a bad thing because having friends or other close relationships is what makes life enjoyable. While it's possible to be content being alone, I don't think I've ever met any loners who were truly happy.

Agree with what you say. But there is a difference between not wanting friends and not being able to have friends even when friends are wanted. I won't bore you with the details (I've written extensively about it here), but I am incapable of having friends. Apparently the neural circuits that allow this in other people never formed with me. I have to force myself into social exile because being with people having this capacity is just too painful. And being alone is almost as painful.

 

[SusanLR]

Not having friends is a bad thing because having friends or other close relationships is what makes life enjoyable. While it's possible to be content being alone, I don't think I've ever met any loners who were truly happy.

So I have always heard.
But, if this is something you've never felt, how can you know?
This has been my experience with the inability to connect with others all my life and always wondered
why I was unable to feel it.

I've had three long term relationships that were a friends with benefits type, and it did make life
more exciting and fun. But, I never felt the closeness that others apparently feel and I would never
have wanted to live with them or build a life with them.
It didn't feel like the end of the world when we ultimately broke up either.

The closest I've ever felt for someone was my mother and growing up on the spectrum,
without knowing it until later in life, this seems to be rather common when you have a good
non-abusive relationship with a parent or other immediate family member.
I was diagnosed from seeking help from the depression of losing her and my therapist said
I had developmental delay.
Delay? I don't think it ever developed.
She was my best friend and safe place to me.
Why I could never feel anything near to this for anyone else, I don't know.
I did feel the happiness that made my life enjoyable with her and my pets.

Now that they are gone, and even with someone else to live with, I feel the social exile also.

 

[Matthias]

Agree with what you say. But there is a difference between not wanting friends and not being able to have friends even when friends are wanted. I won't bore you with the details (I've written extensively about it here), but I am incapable of having friends. Apparently the neural circuits that allow this in other people never formed with me. I have to force myself into social exile because being with people having this capacity is just too painful. And being alone is almost as painful.

I used to find social interaction painful and exhausting until I learned the pain was caused by my emotions and that my emotions were caused by my beliefs. After I changed the way I think and started thinking more positively, social interaction is no longer stressful or exhausting.

 

[Matthias]

So I have always heard.
But, if this is something you've never felt, how can you know?
This has been my experience with the inability to connect with others all my life and always wondered
why I was unable to feel it.

I've had three long term relationships that were a friends with benefits type, and it did make life
more exciting and fun. But, I never felt the closeness that others apparently feel and I would never
have wanted to live with them or build a life with them.
It didn't feel like the end of the world when we ultimately broke up either.

The closest I've ever felt for someone was my mother and growing up on the spectrum,
without knowing it until later in life, this seems to be rather common when you have a good
non-abusive relationship with a parent or other immediate family member.
I was diagnosed from seeking help from the depression of losing her and my therapist said
I had developmental delay.
Delay? I don't think it ever developed.
She was my best friend and safe place to me.
Why I could never feel anything near to this for anyone else, I don't know.
I did feel the happiness that made my life enjoyable with her and my pets.

Now that they are gone, and even with someone else to live with, I feel the social exile also.

I've been alone most of my life but I was definitely happier when I had friends. I have the same problem feeling close to people because no one understands me and my social difficulties make it harder to relate to other people.

 

[garnetflower13]

I do think that the people you may befriend have to feel drawn to you, and that they accept your quirkiness (which is how NTs see it in some cases.) The three friends I have, never knew that I was on the spectrum. One of them, when I told her, strongly suspects that she is on the spectrum too. And I have to agree; this is what probably what drew me to her. The other was so much older that she is just a cool person to be around, because she wasn't into playing games or caring about trends or social status. In fact, I worry about when she won't be among us any longer, since her husband died this year and she is over 85.

I think when others accept us, despite labels or even in the absence of them, that true friendships can form. Having said that, we all neglect each other for long periods, but when we decide to connect, it's as if it were just yesterday, and there are no hard feelings. They don't crowd me and I don't crowd them.

 

[Au Naturel]

I can count on the fingers of one hand the number of people in my life that I'd consider a true friend rather than a friendly acquaintance. They are precious because they are rare. People who make friends easily also lose them easily.

 

[Raggamuffin]

Socialising is tiring. Online is easier these days as it keeps people at a respectable/comfortable distance. Some of my more recent online friends keep saying "we must meet up" but that doesn't appeal. It's not that I don't think it'd be enjoyable or memorable, but it's just an effort. That effort on it's own is enough to put a damper on the whole experience. Plus I'd have to drive many hours to meet them which isn't appealing.

Online is nice because I choose to reply. Mind you, I normally keep conversations afloat, or maybe I sink them through all my mindless prattle. Usually they're kept light, I use it as a format to exercise my wit and as such things are usually always jokey. But they can also get very real when we discuss things in more depth. It's a nicer medium for oversharing as I find others will reciprocate and you can have much deeper conversations.

Growing up I had many close friends move abroad, so I became more introvert as it's a horrid feeling having a close friend torn from you. When I discovered MSN I thoroughly enjoyed myself, although I hadn't found myself. I was still in that compulsive liar phase of life where I didn't feel good enough. A lifetime of being told by parents and teachers alike that I was never "living up to my potential" meant I made up for what I felt I lacked by pretending to be something, or have done things that I hadn't. Problem is with lying, it was always spontaneous and hard to keep up with what myths I'd created.

When you get found out, it can make people distance themselves from you. Also it's a humbling feeling when you're caught out as a liar.

Nowadays I'm content to socialise less. I'm comfier in who I am as a person. More accepting of my strengths and weaknesses. I've noticed that simply knowing who I am has an effect on how people perceive me. I guess it's somehow more inviting. Kristy and others have told me over the years that I have a charisma that draws people in.

I seem to intrigue a lot of people with my art and staffing etc. But with being an introvert person, I think the brief exchanges with strangers is more than enough socialising for me. Since the beginning of October I deliberately cut out socialising as much as possible. Asides from the occasional contribution to small talk in the office and some online chats with friends I have avoided going out in my free time and socialising with people in real life.

It hasn't really reduced stress as much as I'd hoped. But that's because work continues to be the main driving force behind my stress - and I'm still working there.

I have craved having a "best friend" again, especially one you work with. I fondly recall people from previous workplaces. But when you change a job, those friendships kind of die out. A bit like going from school to college etc. When circumstances prevent me from being around people daily, then I will struggle to maintain a friendship. I know that's only natural and people move on in life. But with me not requiring a great deal of social contact to feel ok - I guess I neglect friendships more than most.

Still, online I find I instigate most conversations. People rarely message me off their own initiative. That can make me feel unwanted at times - when I'm always being proactive and the people on the other end seem ambivalent.

I like reaching a point with someone where I can let the mask drop a bit. So I can do some basic stimming and engage in more playful and silly behaviour. It's a good outlet and allows me to stop repressing moments when I'm hyper, but in a workplace etc. Mind you, when I did let the mask slip I'd encounter common complaints I've had since school:

"Ed, you're being too loud."
"Ed, can you calm down?"
"Ed, you need to stop distracting people."
"Ed, why won't you pay attention?!"

Ed

 

[Tony Ramirez]

It depends on the friends. Many of the friends I have now I would ditch them if I could but I need some social interaction no matter how annoying they are.