Why, oh why...

[Shamar]

@Neonatal RRT, @Shamar

This subject and idea of "indirect language" is a stuggle for me. I can not differentiate between what is intentionaly unkind and what is just human clumsiness.

Exactly. All too frequently, somebody is saying things I cannot hear, The words come through but the message is gibberish.

 

[Au Naturel]

People manipulate others because they don't believe they'll get what they want otherwise. They believe that everyone is as selfish and amoral as they are, so even if it is a legitimate request they have to use indirect methods. That's in addition to the people who manipulate others simply because it makes them feel superior to the person being manipulated. And there are people who cannot make a direct request because of the rejection anxiety involved.

I know my wife tries to manipulate me by asking leading questions to try to get me to agree to something because she suspects I wouldn't agree to a direct request. Or she'll give me a list of options and keep finding problems with the option I choose until I stumble onto the one she wants.

I don't find it amusing but I don't get worked up about it. Just how she learned to "ask" when she was a kid.

 

[Fino]

People typically continue their family's patterns of behavior from childhood and continue to repeat what they learned was effective back then.

 

[Judge]

No, probably not. Just a few I personally know. It is mostly a rant anyway but if others have experienced these things, please post away!

I'm inclined to believe such considerations are more behavioral in nature rather than exclusively neurological.

It may be more difficult- even alien for some on the spectrum to both comprehend and utilize subterfuge and diplomacy to manipulate others, but I don't believe it precludes any particular neurological profile from such behaviors if they suit a specific purpose.

 

[SusanLR]

Are you referring to my wife? She expects me to understand what she means with such phrases as "Go there and do this with that thing," "Where is the," " Did that guy send an email," all with absolutely no context. Sometimes it takes several minutes to figure out what she is talking about.

She is also the Ultimate Authority In All Things. Thus, anyone who disagrees with her, by definition, must be a moron, brain damaged, insane, or an enemy. Anything worth noticing must be criticized, complained about, or insulted, and never miss an opportunity to do so. You may be thinking "Wow, to put up with that the sex must be incredible!" I wouldn't know, there hasn't been any since she announced eight years ago that since she hit menopause, she can't have sex any more.

End of rant

I don't know about your wife, but, you could be writing about my house share partner.
Your description fits our communication problems exactly.
No sex here either. Not that type of relationship.
I put up with it because I need a place to live and the rent is right.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

@Neonatal RRT, @Shamar

This subject and idea of "indirect language" is a stuggle for me. I can not differentiate between what is intentionaly unkind and what is just human clumsiness.

Neonatal RRT, you have commented on another post about my mother. Yesterday she physically pushed me out of the way and took over a job I was comepletely capable of doing very well. I get angry when she does this as she has done this many, many times in my life. When confronted she does not appologize. She justifies her actions with "I just want....". Or some other phrase that is supposed to make me see her actions as justifiable.
And I can't figure out if I am not understanding, if she is wrong in her actions or just what is going on.
Thankfully these incidents happen rarely now that I live in Mexico. I am so frustrated.

2 points: With indirect language,...it can be confusing,...I don't like it either, and is why my wife has learned to be very direct with me. I don't get "hints" and other "cryptic" language either. With some people, I find myself even being a bit passive aggressive with them when they use language like this,...as there will be times when I will recognize the "double-talk" and either call them out on it,...or,...will purposefully ignore it, just to make a point to them to just say what they want instead of "dancing" around the subject. I guess I haven't recognized someone being "intentionally unkind" or being "clumsy",...I just recognize it as more of a "soft or passive language".

Your mother, and that incident,...OMG,...I would have snapped and let her have it with both barrels. Don't you dare invade my space like that,...that's at the top of my "trigger" list,...someone's going to get hurt. Having said that,...as I mentioned before,...controlling behaviors,...in this case, she wanted it done "her way", and you weren't doing it that way. Contributing to it,...you're her daughter, and in her eyes, you may always be a child. You could be 70 years old,...a great grandmother yourself,...as long as she lives, you're her child. My parents are like that,..."Well, when you have lived as long as I have, you'll change your way of thinking." Me: "Dad,...you do realize I old enough to be a grandfather, don't you?" My mom,...she still calls me "baby",...seriously,...not in an affectionate way,...like I am still a baby to her.

 

[FlowerFlo]

I have a problem with indirect language as well. The more stressed i am the worse it gets. My mother has a big problem with me not using things like hello and other stuff like that. She always thinks i should try harder and use such terms. One big language problem i have too is bad instructions. If someone says :Get the mug from the shelf and bring it to me,i mostly ask ,which shelf,even if i know where the mugs are and what mug, just to make sure i make it right.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

@Neonatal RRT, @Shamar

This subject and idea of "indirect language" is a stuggle for me. I can not differentiate between what is intentionaly unkind and what is just human clumsiness.

Neonatal RRT, you have commented on another post about my mother. Yesterday she physically pushed me out of the way and took over a job I was comepletely capable of doing very well. I get angry when she does this as she has done this many, many times in my life. When confronted she does not appologize. She justifies her actions with "I just want....". Or some other phrase that is supposed to make me see her actions as justifiable.
And I can't figure out if I am not understanding, if she is wrong in her actions or just what is going on.
Thankfully these incidents happen rarely now that I live in Mexico. I am so frustrated.

That has happened to me a couple of times. The first time I exploded at the person, the second I kept it together and asked why they were interfering and then kept the focus on their action.

 

[Suzette]

Your mother, and that incident,...OMG,...I would have snapped and let her have it with both barrels. Don't you dare invade my space like that,...that's at the top of my "trigger" list,...someone's going to get hurt.

That has happened to me a couple of times. The first time I exploded at the person, the second I kept it together and

I exploded too. I stood back from the job, called her out on her behavior and left her to it. A few minutes later she found me and invited me to join her with, what I assume, was a mocking "cutesey" gesture.

I recognize that she was trying to mend the situation but she was not admitting to wrong. Or appologize. I told her I needed to cool my head.

But this is a cunundrum for me.

My rigid brain says "Hold firm. You did nothing wrong."
But my mature self (I think it is her) says "Yes, she was wrong but you should have taken the gesture in the spirit it was intended".

And yet another voice says "Your self focus is understandable but, perhaps, you should have stepped aside and smiled like a parent indulging a child. There was no harm done or intended. You should learn from this and become wiser."

Aghghgh!

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

I exploded too. I stood back from the job, called her out on her behavior and left her to it. A few minutes later she found me and invited me to join her with, what I assume, was a mocking "cutesey" gesture.

I recognize that she was trying to mend the situation but she was not admitting to wrong. Or appologize. I told her I needed to cool my head.

But this is a cunundrum for me.

My rigid brain says "Hold firm. You did nothing wrong."
But my mature self (I think it is her) says "Yes, she was wrong but you should have taken the gesture in the spirit it was intended".

And yet another voice says "Your self focus is understandable but, perhaps, you should have stepped aside and smiled like a parent indulging a child. There was no harm done or intended. You should learn from this and become wiser."

Aghghgh!

So right. It has sometimes been a struggle for me at times not to react immediately but to think first.

 

[Au Naturel]

I exploded too. I stood back from the job, called her out on her behavior and left her to it. A few minutes later she found me and invited me to join her with, what I assume, was a mocking "cutesey" gesture.

I recognize that she was trying to mend the situation but she was not admitting to wrong. Or appologize. I told her I needed to cool my head.

But this is a cunundrum for me.

My rigid brain says "Hold firm. You did nothing wrong."
But my mature self (I think it is her) says "Yes, she was wrong but you should have taken the gesture in the spirit it was intended".

And yet another voice says "Your self focus is understandable but, perhaps, you should have stepped aside and smiled like a parent indulging a child. There was no harm done or intended. You should learn from this and become wiser."

Aghghgh!

You are the parent in this situation and she is the child. Children use a lot of manipulation because they lack the power to directly do things or to force others to do it for them.

Most of the time it doesn't matter who is right or who is wrong. Placing blame or guilt, winning or losing the exchange, that is all a game played by fools. It is what it is, so move on.

Don't you ever ask them, "Why?"
If they told you, you would cry.
So, just look at them and sigh
And know they love you.