Why would she?

[Aspychata]

These conversations are important with our SO, or spouse. It sounds like you have a healthy, loving relationship. I noticed l am better at asking these types of questions in relationships.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

I don't get the situation. Your wife is agreeable to being intimate with you but are you wanting intimacy with her more frequently and that's what's causing you stress?

The problem I have had is resentment towards myself for an inability to meet that basic human need when younger and I did not know I was autistic.

 

[Magna]

The problem I have had is resentment towards myself for an inability to meet that basic human need when younger and I did not know I was autistic.

I think I might understand. Are you feeling that if you WOULD have had the ability to meet that basic human need when younger that you'd feel sated and find comfort in said prior experiences in contrast to your current situation which again, unless I misunderstand, you're not having sex to speak of any longer?

 

[Kalinychta]

I am a little disturbed. Discussing my most recent meltdown with my spouse, she told me that with her being my one and only she would understand if I was involved with other women.

I cannot do that. I really can not. I will not damage Susan’s trust in me as somebody who takes his commitments seriously. I see nothing but negatives that would bruise my soul.

I will not play around with another’s emotions and confidence. I do not want the responsibility of emotionally hurting somebody because it is that emotional closeness that makes intimacy rewarding (at least for me).

I will not misrepresent myself to be deceptive as I think that is the wrong thing to do when somebody is vulnerable enough to want intimacy. In my life I have seen, and have been mocked by manipulative guys for my lack of connection, and I never, ever, want to be like them.

I am dealing with the triggers from a time in my life when intimacy would have been positively impactful for me. I do not think that sex with other women at this time when I still find my spouse desirable would ever help me and could possibly leave me thinking less of myself. When I think of those troubling times in my life, I would rather like to think that the women I was afraid of approaching or who never noticed me were missing out on a relationship with a very considerate, attentive, and satisfying, lover. That is enough for me.

Maybe she said it to make a point. You’re traumatized by your lack of sexual relationships when you were younger. So have them now, your wife says. But you don’t want to, because you only want her. So why lament what you didn’t have at a different time in your life when you don’t want it now? It’s like being upset that you didn’t get a Picasso poster when you were a kid even though you don’t want a Picasso poster anymore and in fact own several priceless works of art. Maybe the point is to stop fixating on things that happened decades ago and just let it go. You can’t change the past, so why this constant stream of anxiety and guilt?

It could also be that she’s tired of talking about it for so many years. What she said sounds like something someone who is exasperated would say.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

Maybe she said it to make a point. You’re traumatized by your lack of sexual relationships when you were younger. So have them now, your wife says. But you don’t want to, because you only want her. So why lament what you didn’t have at a different time in your life when you don’t want it now? It’s like being upset that you didn’t get a Picasso poster when you were a kid even though you don’t want a Picasso poster anymore and in fact own several priceless works of art. Maybe the point is to stop fixating on things that happened decades ago and just let it go. You can’t change the past, so why this constant stream of anxiety and guilt?

It could also be that she’s tired of talking about it for so many years. What she said sounds like something someone who is exasperated would say.

You are so right. The whole cluster of things happening socially to me then were traumatic for over a decade. The problem with PTSD is that I would inhabit the mind of that damaged young man. No sense to it. Now, I am so done with that and am rewriting my inner dialogue. I hope I have not injured my relationship with my spouse.

 

[Aspychata]

@Kalinychta , l like that, right to the point. The issue is that we do over-think, l just spun out today on something, and had to pull back my grey cells, or change my name to anxious Nellie. But speaking about Picasso, l could never own enough of his prints, and Dali prints would be nice, wait l like Vincent Van Gogh, and Renoir too. Maybe we should start a post on classical painters.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

I love going to art museums. The Detroit Institute with it Diego Rivera mural. I am happy that Henry Ford unlike the wealthy who had their murals destroyed, Rockefellers, etc., just bricked that room up until after his death. Plus they had some fabulous Winslow Homer's work. Then Chicago's Art Institute with its impressionists including George Seurat's A Sunday on La Grande Jatte, though I like Hopper's Nighthawks. And there is the Museum of Contemporary Art where I like Jeff Koons' Balloon Dog. Of course there is MOMA in New York. There I got to see Starry Night, for real. I was surprised how small it is. Good art energizes me, like at the New Museum with its exhibit about the feminist artist, Judy Chicago (and I saw her Dinner Party at a space in Chicago's, Printer's Row.)

And now more good thoughts about the wonderful art I've been able to be exposed to. I like my balance between art and science/ What an interesting life.

 

[Aryana]

@Aspychata , @Neri , Thank you. I recognize the grace she is granting me, and I really am uninterested now. She has never denied me, no headaches, no weariness from kids, so no grist for comedians there. And, just her smiling at me when we make love melts my heart. I think that when I went down the rabbit hole of regret I was looking for external validation when right in front of me is validation of my desirability. Slowly I am getting my head straight.

We have had heart to heart discussions about expectations and she is accommodating to my desires (though now with both of us having recent oral surgery we are not at 100%) We share duties, like today she helped me install the induction cooktop for one that died (and the glass surface had me worried as we gingerly put it into the counter). Susan likes "Acts of Service" as her love language so I enjoy what I can do (and it is easy to seduce her, making breakfast for us in bed).

I know what I have missed, and I regret my cluelessness because I can think back to times where I could have made connection but was too frightened/anxious. My regret now is actually thinking that I may have unknowingly let some woman feel rejected. I am telling myself that because the only experiences I have known are with my spouse and have been so very erotic that I ascribe any "fantasy" sex as being very high quality. I am feeling good about myself and am solidly committed to our relationship and cannot imagine a better lover than her.

Honestly I just feel like she's feeling a little insecure. I know you don't think that's what she's feeling but that's what I'm getting. She does not want you to cheat on her that's for sure. I'm not sure how old your wife is but she might be going through the change which is making her hormonal and emotional.

 

[Kalinychta]

Honestly I just feel like she's feeling a little insecure. I know you don't think that's what she's feeling but that's what I'm getting. She does not want you to cheat on her that's for sure. I'm not sure how old your wife is but she might be going through the change which is making her hormonal and emotional.

Good point. It would take a really, really, really understanding and sage-like person to not feel hurt by her partner saying over and over for years that he wishes he had had sex with more women.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

Good point. It would take a really, really, really understanding and sage-like person to not feel hurt by her partner saying over and over for years that he wishes he had had sex with more women.

It has been about a year, especially when I was feeling fragile with poor results from prostate surgery and on top of that had open heart surgery and a Carotid to Brachial bypass. I was feeling like my life was tentative, and so was easily triggered to inhabit that injured mind.