Wife of Aspergers looking for support.

[All-Rounder]

interested in most topics that I talk about (mostly learning to communicate better) - well the only way to solve an issue is to fix it, and talk about how. For him it probably leads nowhere since he doesn't know what to do and doesnt want to do a lot of the ideas that have already been brainstormed, mostly by you. Why does Dave lack ideas so much? Very peculiar


He does try to engage in coversation, but admits a fear of saying the wrong thing. - Well if I were the poor man and I knew it, I would constantly fear for my life. He seems very severe in terms of communication, it's a strange thing for his age. To think by now he would have gotten dates and experience, maybe he has had bad experiences with socialization because of his inabilities.

 

[All-Rounder]

he wants better communication, he doesn't want to deal with anything outside of his everyday chores and work. - Realistically both worlds will be impossible for him to get at the same time. He should know by now. If he's chosen his position it means the consequences don't matter in the bigger scheme of things.

It kinda sounds to me like he doesnt want to be in a relationship but wants to be successful in the relationship. I'm not sure I can understand. He possibly is split between two worlds which he is not gonna be able to choose, and if it continues it will destroy his relationship. Which hes fine to sacrifice for the sake of not having to deal with the relationship communication and duties, but he dreams to be successful. The work isn't gonna be done by itself, and life has a course. As time passes, people who don't connect will get distant. In other words, you can't have your cake and eat it too, except in your fantasies.

 

[nfclewley]

Your husband may or may not have ASD. However, the actual issues you're facing with communication are what's important.

If my wife of 20 years sat down with me and said she wanted me to share my thoughts and feelings in real time with her about subjects that I know little about, it wouldn't work. Not everyone processes information at the same rate. Sometimes it might take me days or even weeks to mull over, analyze, identify my feelings and formulate opinions. Thankfully my wife isn't the kind of partner that thinks her way of communicating is "normal" and my way is "abnormal" and needs to be radically changed. It would be hard and sad to live with such a person.

My wife and I have found a good compromise for ways we sometimes communicate with each other: Written communication. Texting, emailing each other or even on occasion typing or writing out actual notes/letters.

Thank you for that sir! Dave and I read it together and we agree with what you said. Dave does have ASD . . . neither of us doubt it.

 

[All-Rounder]

Thank you for that sir! Dave and I read it together and we agree with what you said. Dave does have ASD . . . neither of us doubt it.

He's pretty obvious with it unless he's manipulating.

 

[nfclewley]

Welcome, BTW.

So, there's a lot to unpack here, but I am in my mid-50's and I understand much of what @Gerontius and @Gerald Wilgus said.

I have been married for 35+ years and wasn't diagnosed until I was 52,...ASD-1,...and although it is not "language" we use in the US,...my psychologist sort of rolls her eyes and acknowledges it as "Asperger's condition". I am not one to get hung up on the label. I am well aware of what I have. That said, unlike your husband, I was actually happy to finally,...finally,...have a diagnosis. It gave me some answers to questions that had lingered in the back of my mind for decades. Then came the steep learning curve to understand myself within this context. So many things in my life became so much clearer,...my strengths,...my weaknesses,...how better to interact with people around me. Furthermore, my wife sort of left it all up to me to sort these things out. Frankly, it took almost a year or so for her to settle into the idea that she was married to an autistic,...because, in part,...I think she had developed a "moral diagnosis" of me over some 30+ years of marriage,...and now she had to reassess her view of me, which, I am sure, was not easy.

Obviously, your approach to the diagnosis is quite a bit different than my wife's. Now, I am trying hard here to understand the perspective of your husband's,...and I may be way off here,...but if I was perceiving my wife as "pushing me" to talk about things I haven't quite wrapped my mind around yet,...I would push back, no doubt. Furthermore,...and I don't know if this applies to your husband,...but like a large percentage of autistics,...I have alexithymia,...which means I don't actually know how I feel at any given moment. It may take me minutes, hours, even days to process a social interaction,...so, no matter what,...I will respond in an "inappropriate" manner given the emotional content of a social interaction. Later,...if the person means something to me,...I will walk up and apologize. Furthermore,...I grew up in a generation where males were absolutely expected to suppress their emotions,...so it could be that your husband is also very good at emotional control,...until he can't. I like to say I have "a very long fuse",...and at the end of that fuse,...a very large bomb.

Fear of saying the wrong thing,...I have this, as well. Better to stay silent than risk saying something inappropriate,...because, frankly,...part of the autistic condition is not processing all the subtle nuances of communication (voice inflection, facial micro expressions, body language, cultural and emotional content, etc.). He may have found that he is often misunderstood,...a very common thing with autistics,...and it is quite emotionally upsetting to be put on your back heels by someone who misinterpreted what was said and/or how it was said. I use direct language,...most other people use indirect language. Indirect language, in many circles is most common and even is perceived as "non confrontational" and even "polite",...but an autistic may perceive it as "deceptive" and immediately puts our brains on "alert",...so we might not respond in the way one might normally expect. I don't want to be put into a position where I have to try to "read between the lines" and interpret what was said,...because my ability to process all that communication information and put into context and perspective,...that's a tall order for me,...I'd have to "chew on it" for a while before answering appropriately. The thing is,...most communication occurs quickly,...back and forth,...and many autistics are not good at that. I do OK one-on-one, but add another person into the group,...I shut down and become mute pretty quickly.

At any rate, I hope this gives you some insight. HE needs to sort these things out on his own,...and only if HE wants to. If you push, he will likely push back. He may not have any sense of how he is feeling,...he may be just reacting,...so you may be asking questions he literally is incapable of answering.

Take care

Thank you, I agree with what you said and I appreciate your insight.

 

[All-Rounder]

Neonatal: He may not have any sense of how he is feeling, - That seems to be true, he has no introspection, probably why he says "I don't know" when looking inwardly. He might have to use a different approach and look at other kinds of data to be able to analyze it all properly.

Meanwhile his partner is probably suffering a lot because of this lack of data and decision, as well as action. And losing patience. But his partner might know more about him than he does.

There's no love to be had in this ordeal if it stays the same, for both of them.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

There are affectionate people on the spectrum, like me. But many aren't and have a hard time connecting, I sometimes get frustrated with the difficulty of me connecting with partners but I do heavy work for it. I need that connection in order to form a genuine bond and be able to have intimacy.

Yes. I like that I'm one of the affectionate ones. It took me a bit of hard work and fighting against inner voices that said I was damaged and worthless, and learning to be social. That change is fraught with a lot of anxiety and fear and I think so many recoil from that. I never thought that the bundle of anxiety was the real me and could not live that way, so I changed. A 44 year relationship with my spouse and nearly that much time with good friends is the result.

 

[All-Rounder]

Yes. I like that I'm one of the affectionate ones. It took me a bit of hard work and fighting against inner voices that said I was damaged and worthless, and learning to be social. That change is fraught with a lot of anxiety and fear and I think so many recoil from that. I never thought that the bundle of anxiety was the real me and could not live that way, so I changed. A 44 year relationship with my spouse and nearly that much time with good friends is the result.

Almost forgot where I came from. Good to be reminded.
Most of my process had to be done by myself, lacking friends and all. I had to be true to myself, and drop the stupidity of judgement i was constantly backed up against for every word coming out of my mouth.

Later on, online was the real thing for me, a refuge where I could express myself, finally. Nobody knew me, and nobody could track me (that much anyway). Learned so much, and still never enough.

Had too many relationships, which were the real testers and like the saying goes, love is a better teacher than duty. But the duty of love is the best for a romantic who dreams bigger than the case they're put in, lol.

 

[1ForAll]

Thank you for writing! He doesn't talk much and the feelings he shows are mostly frustration and anger if I push. He is negative and seems to take any attempts to communicate as a personal attack. He doesn't pay attention to what I say and certainly not interested in most topics that I talk about (mostly learning to communicate better) but he does seem to understand what's being said.
He does try to engage in coversation, but admits a fear of saying the wrong thing. There's never any "chit chat" or much talk about anything, unless it's menial or a topic of his interest with very little expression.
For instance, I tend to initiate discussion about situations that arise, hoping to clarify and communicate in a way he can understand. He gets confused/frustrated and the upset. We both are bothered when this happens and it seems to me that even though he says he wants better communication, he doesn't want to deal with anything outside of his everyday chores and work.

I hope I answered your questions. This is very difficult, but thank you for your thoughts that might help.

Thanks for your reply to my questions. The way you described Dave reminded me lots about myself through my early thirties. Persons expected me to reply in a more typical way but I could not. In my case I was very brief to all, showed no inflection in my voice, and was really not in the mood to engage with any or to talk about their topics. Part of it was depression related, but part was also I did not have much social self-esteem or trust enough persons to open enough. I was extremely shy and wanted to hide my feelings to be critiqued and rejected less, if not that was some innate need because of more left brained wiring instead.

I just know a big part of me is I did not want to be vulnerable there with communications, so I kept up a wall around me for feelings and emotions. Frustrations could build if I felt others were trying to get me to be someone I could not be at that time, as I felt I was trying my best even though it may not looked like to others that way. At times the frustration was also because I did not know then who I wanted to be, as my inner thoughts took me to different places. Perhaps genetics played a part too, if I had ASD like our children, with me though just 50/50 convinced there. I will never know how much genetics versus environmental condition shaped who I was then, and now. I just know I picked up on others' frustrations and disappointments with me easily. It made things then worse.

I eventually improved my ability to communicate on at least average levels, and regarding any topic, as I had that belief in myself, drive and need to be my best there, but that didn't mean I could speak many minutes on each if I got bored or if exhausted all the important things I wanted to say or if my strengths were elsewhere. As one with strong empathy, high stress tolerance, and pretty good detailed and listening skills, in my case it eventually became easier to adapt and change some, and this meant sometimes putting others first, better prioritization and/or some compromise, after feeling some change could occur based on finally knowing myself, desires and needs well.

I am sorry you feel you need more from your husband; it must be tough for him too. If either one of you want to pm me for more specific advice, please do not hesitate. I like assisting others, regardless of any stress in my life, which I feel is usually minimal as I rarely worry much about anything these days but focus on my efforts. For instance, I told a member here privately I and two of our other family members just came down with Covid (all vaccinated and boosted) several days ago. But, we all will hopefully be pretty much back to normal, like in a few days or so from how things are improving. A bit lucky there. But sometimes we make our own luck with our efforts. So, sometimes bad luck or more difficulties in life may be because of fears setting us back

 

[grommet]

Hello, I am new to this forum. My husband of 27 years has Aspergers (self-diagnosed) is a very loving and kind husband. It has been very difficult trying to find better ways to communicate. Dave is angry, negative and defensive that he has Aspergers and doesn't show any interest in working on finding solutions to our communication problems AND . . . he doesn't like change!

We recently bought a couple of good books on Aspergers, but I'm the only one that shows interest in learning, even though I've been reading these books to him. It has been lonely and frustrating and he feels very bad that he isn't available, even though I've been very specific about what I need from him. It's like he's a ghost around me and he becomes defensive when I try to talk to him about any concerns, etc. He is 72 and I am 59, so I don't know if it's even reasonable to expect much as this point, as we're well-established in our ways.

Dave has a great work ethic and still works full time. When he's home, he has his routine and he contributes when I asked, but he doesn't have any goals. The rest of the time, he "floats" around the house, bumping into me and trying to avoid me for fear of getting in the way. He doesn't have close friends or hobbies, so, besides his work, I am everything to him. Ultimately, I am like a mother or a teacher for him and not the equal partner that I should be.
We've had a lot of discussions about his behavior prior to the realization that he has Aspergers, but nothing has helped, even when I ask him specifically for what I need from him. Oh, he's happy to do the "physical" things I ask of him; putting out the trash or the dogs, but not when it comes to his behavior. When I ask him why, he says he "doesn't know".

Is there someone out there that can point me in the right direction? Dave won't go to an Asperger counseling and he is disinterested in the live online group sessions we recently tried. He stayed anonymous and didn't connect with the topics, as it was mostly socializing. I would really appreciate someone's advice on where to go from here. Thank you!

Natalie

Natalie,

Find out what he wants and motivate him that way. Most of us have intense interests. If he does too he can meet people like him who he can talk about those interests with. At the same time he will be joining the autistic community. With some time meeting people like him I think he will start to learn things and maybe see them in himself.

I do not know why but we autistic people seem especially resistant to being pushed into things, we do not like being told what to do or made to do things. We are however very motivated when something involves our interests.

I once was given a rigging job. A restaurant needed some rope lines made to designate the outdoor seating area. They wanted it done nicely, not just something cut and tied off. Those were my skills and I made them well enough to sail around Cape Horn. I mention it because the rope they casually handed me in a box was old stock new inventory linen rope from the 1960s, an impossible find. It was the highest quality rope I had ever seen, remarkable stuff. If I had been in touch with other autistic people who did marlinspike I think they would have done anything to see it, maybe travel.

Our passions drive us in way that can bring the rest of our life along so maybe the chance for him to discuss and learn about the things he loves would engage him with the community.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

But the duty of love is the best for a romantic who dreams bigger than the case they're put in, lol.

he phrase "the duty of love" is so descriptive. Without experiencing love until I was 26, it was a great motivation to break out of my cage only to find my one love wating for me, my future spouse. Thinking about that phrase makes me feel good about my choices.

 

[Rodafina]

Hi Dave! You are welcome here. Natalie, too! This forum has proven to be a very accepting and understanding bunch of people. There are many people here who came to an autism diagnosis either through self diagnosis or formal diagnosis later in life. Many of us have discussed how a lens of autism can be helpful in making sense of a difficult life.

One of the most confirming informal diagnostic tools, in my experience, is reading what others have written here and learning that you identify deeply with what other people on the spectrum have experienced.

At first it can be frustrating, for me it was anyway… Realizing that I process the world completely differently than most of the people around me. In my real life, I mean. I have difficulty speaking, and prefer writing… A very common experience for people here, I learned early on.

Another revelatory thing about being on the forum, however, is the wide variety among autistic people. There are some commonalities among us, but there are so many different personalities, opinions, ideas, and experiences here that we all attempt to share with each other.

And when all that gets too confusing for our beautiful brains, there are forum games and some lighthearted fun to be had as well.

 

[VictorR]

Welcome!

I'd just like to echo @Rodafina's comment about one going on a journey of self-discovery as I find that the best acceptance comes when one finds themselves, rather than being told by someone else, even if well meaning, and while for some the awareness is like a light bulb lighting up, for others, the journey may be prolonged and take a number of years.

Best wishes on your journeys.

 

[Aspychata]

Think the big take away for me in hanging out with someone who l might consider on the spectrum, is the beautiful time we had together saying very little. That's okay too with me. In my mind, somebody has already said what l am about to say, so maybe silence is another way to communicate using our eyes, holding hands, and doing lovely things for each other.

 

[All-Rounder]

gromet: I do not know why but we autistic people seem especially resistant to being pushed into things

Probably executive dysfunction, we can't start up tasks easily either, which is why chores are like being burnt alive sometimes. If we don't feel understood and we have to think about it at a specific time it creates frustration.

 

[All-Rounder]

Think the big take away for me in hanging out with someone who l might consider on the spectrum, is the beautiful time we had together saying very little. That's okay too with me. In my mind, somebody has already said what l am about to say, so maybe silence is another way to communicate using our eyes, holding hands, and doing lovely things for each other.

There was an experiment where autistic kids played on their own side by side, they were found to connect and be devastated when they were taken away from each other.

My friend likes to be in the same room where his wife works.

 

[All-Rounder]

For the longest time I didn't know what my special interest was, but then I remembered that I used to draw dogs and keep getting scolded by my art teacher for linear passion, but what she doesnt know is that you can't stop passion. Every theme was integrated and translated in dog.

Then again I would spend many hours in the cold til my body would hurt just petting my grandma's dog, and making a tamed baby out of him instead of the crazy reactive beast he generally was. If you dared pick him up he'd murder you, I managed to pick him up once, but nobody believed me and the second time he almost bit my hand off as his general state had regained.

Then there were plants, my kindergarden teacher said to mom I know every plant on the hill, when she took us out on a trip. It was the first and last trip though, unfortunately. To me it wasn't a big deal, it was just natural to know. I still study and have plants to this day. And eat them like a rabbit, regardless if they're toxic.

I'd be like this, except chewing a leaf instead.

But my boyfriend says I put handfuls of leaves into my mouth.

 

[Gracey]

Hello, I am new to this forum. My husband of 27 years has Aspergers (self-diagnosed) is a very loving and kind husband. It has been very difficult trying to find better ways to communicate. Dave is angry, negative and defensive that he has Aspergers and doesn't show any interest in working on finding solutions to our communication problems AND . . . he doesn't like change!

We recently bought a couple of good books on Aspergers, but I'm the only one that shows interest in learning, even though I've been reading these books to him. It has been lonely and frustrating and he feels very bad that he isn't available, even though I've been very specific about what I need from him. It's like he's a ghost around me and he becomes defensive when I try to talk to him about any concerns, etc. He is 72 and I am 59, so I don't know if it's even reasonable to expect much as this point, as we're well-established in our ways.

Dave has a great work ethic and still works full time. When he's home, he has his routine and he contributes when I asked, but he doesn't have any goals. The rest of the time, he "floats" around the house, bumping into me and trying to avoid me for fear of getting in the way. He doesn't have close friends or hobbies, so, besides his work, I am everything to him. Ultimately, I am like a mother or a teacher for him and not the equal partner that I should be.
We've had a lot of discussions about his behavior prior to the realization that he has Aspergers, but nothing has helped, even when I ask him specifically for what I need from him. Oh, he's happy to do the "physical" things I ask of him; putting out the trash or the dogs, but not when it comes to his behavior. When I ask him why, he says he "doesn't know".

Is there someone out there that can point me in the right direction? Dave won't go to an Asperger counseling and he is disinterested in the live online group sessions we recently tried. He stayed anonymous and didn't connect with the topics, as it was mostly socializing. I would really appreciate someone's advice on where to go from here. Thank you!

Natalie

Hello Natalie,

Your list in OP appear to be things YOU want, not Dave.

"doesn't like change" - he doesn't have to.

"doesn't have any goals" - he's been okay for 70 odd years without any.

"No interest in finding solutions to comms problems" - perhaps comms are okay according to him?

He's tried the Aspie counselling, doesn't work for him.
(He may have gone along with it to try to keep you happy)

you write you feel "like a mother or teacher" - so stop doing it.

when he answers he doesn't know why... he'll be telling you the truth.

Perhaps it's you that requires the assistance (therapy etc) to help you with your frustrations, changes, way forward through the next 27 years as your post reads like a list of things you need, Not Dave.

 

[All-Rounder]

Thanks for your reply to my questions. The way you described Dave reminded me lots about myself through my early thirties. Persons expected me to reply in a more typical way but I could not. In my case I was very brief to all, showed no inflection in my voice, and was really not in the mood to engage with any or to talk about their topics. Part of it was depression related, but part was also I did not have much social self-esteem or trust enough persons to open enough. I was extremely shy and wanted to hide my feelings to be critiqued and rejected less, if not that was some innate need because of more left brained wiring instead.

I think Dave is depressed, because he seems to be having a lot of negative thoughts and reminds me of the lows of my bipolar ex, also overwhelmed so that he loses patience and gets angry with things easily. He might think he's over patient because there's a lot of stress he's dealing with but he's overwhelmed so externally he seems to lose patience very fast, even as soon as the interaction begins.

 

[Hypnalis]

@nfclewley

You've received some good information and insight from older, experienced forum members. I won't add to it.
I have only one comment for now, and it's been stated differently already. But it's something I believe you should seriously think about:

In general, asking an Aspie how they "feel" about something is not going to produce a meaningful answer, and is very likely to be a source of considerable stress.

The "why" is simple, and you know the words already - but you don't understand them: we literally don't think the same way as you do.

You can force an Aspie to provide fake answers, but you cannot get what you want. Human brains cannot be "rewired".