Would Like Advice regarding Eye Contact

[Autisticool]

I thought I'd get some suggestions here. My eye contact is good one-on one.

But it's a little different story when I'm talking to several people at once.

It becomes most conscious to me, when talking to several people at once, like if we're all at a table at a restaurant, or sitting among each other in a living room in close proximity.

So there I am, not sure where to put my eyes as I'm talking. The issue is when I'm the talker. So how do I circulate my gaze? This goes through my head as I'm talking. I'm conscious of two things at once. They are what I'm saying, and what my eyes are doing.

Do I place them on each person in the group, one by one, as I talk? Do I focus on only the nearest person? Will others feel left out? What if someone gets too much, and someone else gets too little? This is what goes through my mind.

I'm interested in hearing the experiences of others here. I'd feel funny just looking down the entire time I'm talking. Nobody will take me seriously and/or may doubt me or think I lack conviction or lack confidence. I can't have THAT! Again, one-on-one I'm fine. But I hate having to figure it out for a group.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

I am a respiratory care instructor,...both at my hospital,...and for a local university.

Standing in front of a group of people, I find myself playing a part,...as an actor. I am primarily presenting information and interacting with people only on my terms. That said, in order to engage your audience, you have to look at them in the eye, ask them questions, make the topic relatable, etc. You can't just be staring off into space monologuing,...their eyes will glaze over and they might not receive your message,...as you say, keep your eyes circulating. Those few seconds you make eye-to-eye contact with your audience is, for that moment, very personal,...and they are more likely to stay engaged with you. Intellectually, like you, you know how you're supposed to act in order to engage other people. I can do that if I am playing the role of "the instructor". However, I do admit I am not good at group conversation, as my timing is off and I don't know when to quickly jump in and out,...and I tend to monologue if given the opportunity,...which shuts down the conversation. There are some skills that I have that can disguise my autism,...but only in specific situations.

 

[Sunny1]

Piggybacking on what Neonatal RRT said, when you are looking at the individuals, it doesn't have to be a long gaze. Just a quick contact so that you notice they have caught your glance, and move on. You don't need to worry about equal amount of time given to each person. Just make sure that there is no one that you have left out over say, the length of the dinner. You are just showing them that you are engaged in the conversation and with them. Go forth and conquer! No pressure! (-:

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

Piggybacking on what Neonatal RRT said, when you are looking at the individuals, it doesn't have to be a long gaze. Just a quick contact so that you notice they have caught your glance, and move on. You don't need to worry about equal amount of time given to each person. Just make sure that there is no one that you have left out over say, the length of the dinner. You are just showing them that you are engaged in the conversation and with them. Go forth and conquer! No pressure! (-:

To add, and if I am explaining something, Glancing at each gives me an idea if I am getting through or need to take a different tack.

 

[Tom]

 

[Luca]

View attachment 79312
View attachment 79313

This image gives me anxiety lol

 

[Autisticool]

This image gives me anxiety lol

I actually thought it was amusing, a good show of humor by the poster. What I can't stand to look at are bulging eyes (some medical conditions cause this).

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

This image gives me anxiety lol

I thought of posting a cat clock in response.

 

[Lucyd]

i just cheat. i look at the persons forehead or mouth. sometimes it helps.

 

[Soleil]

Wear sunglasses, so they don't know whether or not you're looking at them.
Turn your backs to them, don't look at any of them!
Stare at your feet.
Just... run away...

Honestly, I don't know a good answer. Maybe oscillate, like a fan, scanning your audience from left to right, then right to left. You don't necessarily have to look "at" anyone in particular, just sort of look around at the listeners. Or maybe just turn in circles while you talk.

 

[Mush]

I have a triangle of chin, cheekbone and cheekbone. I look in this area most often when talking with people. It actually helps to see what people are saying as well as hearing them.

I’ve never been able to look someone in the eye without it being both physically and emotionally uncomfortable. I get nauseous and it can sometimes physically hurt if I look at someone in the eye for more than a split second.

 

[LuxLuca]

I've opted to embrace the part of me that can't deal with eyecontact and just firmly plant my gaze to a window. It's a relief to no longer have to put in effort to keep it up. It so makes the moment I do end up making eye contact more meaningful I've been told.

Another option is to just sort of play with my fingers and keep my eyes on that instead.

 

[Autisticool]

I have a triangle of chin, cheekbone and cheekbone. I look in this area most often when talking with people. It actually helps to see what people are saying as well as hearing them.

I’ve never been able to look someone in the eye without it being both physically and emotionally uncomfortable. I get nauseous and it can sometimes physically hurt if I look at someone in the eye for more than a split second.

I have to believe that when direct eye contact is made in your case, your amygdala is being activated. This is a primitive structure of the brain that's responsible for the fight or flight response, fear, panic, etc. Direct eye contact is supposed to stimulate higher (more evolved) areas of the brain. It seems there's a very small percentage of autistics who have severe amydala activation. Most struggles with eye contact revolve around sensory overload or a distraction that makes following a conversation or thinking while talking difficult, but there's no panic/fear/pain response.

I wonder if, now that you know that your amygdala is being activated, this could make eye contact less painful and nauseous? And by the way, there's at least one study showing amygdala activation via functional MRI. This is very fascinationg. I wonder if exposure therapy could desensitize your neuroogical response to eye contact (e.g., practicing eye contact with a friend/family member for one second, then two, then over time, keep adding seconds, and also maybe looking at just the lids, then after a week of lids, maybe the corners of the eye, and gradually moving to the actual eye.

So then, why would you want to go through exposure therapy? Avoiding eye contact can make one come across as weak and unsure of themselves. It's not always about looking dishonest or lying.

 

[Skittlebisquit]

Well one thing that helps, is to cheat a bit, like one dude said, look at the face generally, without paying attention to details. Something to do with the hands seems to help, like either some cordage and a few rings, or a chain made into a circle(the lightweight kind, like for lights)

Also, you should always bring liquor as a gift, to the host. That way, the stupid people become less dangerous, and you will be welcome back, as the guy who brings booze.

Oh and start singing, as a matter of policy, to sort of test out the waters. Uptight people are boring, an stuck up is a real thing.

People who are stuck up are literally stuck on top of this column, looking down at us all. Those people suck. It's like a bad smell, stuck to your shoe.

Then too, read this wisdom book called :the five agreements:

It explains how neurotypical folk are so self absorbed and fundamentally narcissistic that, they are basically unaware of any thing that is not on fire, really loud, and has thier name on it.

 

[Zakle]

I tend to do either one of two things. I 'look' without actually 'seeing them' which is hard to explain; it's sort of like relaxing your own eyes and then proceeding to see through the person you're looking at like they're not even there. The other thing I do is by looking at their nose/between their eyes which is close enough to trick the person.