Would you break up with someone over weight loss or gain?

[Joel's Hear]

My wife was 130 pounds and very beautiful when I first met her, smokin' like Bob Marley in Jamaica. I was a decent-but-not-great-looking autistic guy who had few friends, no girlfriends, wore my guitar strap as a belt and had huge, poofy hair because I liked it.

Nine years later we are married and still together, even though she now weighs more than me, after bearing me three beautiful children. I do not blame her: being poor cuts the quality of diet you can afford and being born with a rare retinal disorder which makes it hard to adjust her eyes to different lighting makes it hard to get the gumption to up-go and jog off into the blue to burn those calories in this increasingly violent world.

She is the cornerstone of my life, and, looking back the most loyal and honest friend I have to date.

And she's still the most beautiful girl I've ever seen.

 

[Beguiling Orbit]

That correlates with the way the Egyptians figured it.
When jackal headed Anubis weighed your heart, if it was
heavier than a feather, you had done wrong.
The Weighing of the Heart Ceremony

@tree, we should have the ability to rate posts as "mind blown." The icon would look something like this:

Since we don't, I rated your post as informative.

 

[Katleya]

I feel that sexual attraction is much more subjective than love, and that while you can't fight the feeling, or lack thereof, in either case, the nature of standards usually attached to sexual attraction is what makes people call this shallowness. However, I'd be curious to see how willing all of the people who have called you shallow over this would be to sleep with somebody who is the opposite of what they typically find attractive (as in your blonde/brunette example, but we can extend it to a lot of things).

You're not questioning whether the worth of a person varies with weight loss or gain, or their worthiness to be loved --that would be shallow; you're questioning sexual attraction after weight loss/gain, and that attraction is determined by instincts we keep as animals even more than by a conscious choice we might make.

In your particular case, I feel that the contradiction in lifestyles is a bigger problem than the weight gain, in that if the 2 of you were to carry on dating, I only see 2 options: one of you would get frustrated over what's for dinner, or you would need to make separate food every time. The former seems especially hard to sustain, and I don't see how that would not generate conflict over time, and possibly the habits of one of you wearing off on the other one (sure, one can hope that your healthier habits contaminate him rather than the opposite, but there's always a risk). To me, the nutrition and lifestyle discrepancy is no different than a new couple involving a person who loves total silence, and a person who slams every door, plays loud music & TV all the time, and so on. I'm not saying it can't work, but you really have to love someone to stand things that you otherwise loathe just because they do it. And I'm saying this as someone who's been in the same relationship for over a decade, living together for 2, and... have to keep everything separated in the fridge & maintain a kitchen schedule, because we eat completely opposite things (I need my vegetables, legumes and spices, with meat a maximum of twice a week and no eggs/very little dairy due to some health issues; he eats meat and eggs at least once a day, only salad or cucumber for vegetables, and the only fruit he likes is a fruit that triggers IBS flare-ups in me. Trust me, sharing a kitchen in those conditions is a nightmare, and I wouldn't do it if I weren't in love).
I'm concerned, however, with the reasons that he no longer hikes or eats healthy foods: had he been lying about it before, or was it true, and for some reason, he's given up on everything (the guy might me clinically depressed for all I know)?

 

[Tom]

Its great if a person wants to stay in shape for themselves, but if that is not enough one has to consider staying in shape for their partner for the reason identified in this post. Maintaining the attraction is not superficial, its an essential element of keeping a relationship alive. Its not the only element, nor the most important, but can kill a relationship all by itself.

 

[Mia]

Not for me, not after such a long relationship and marriage. When you become older, you're less beautiful, less fit, less attractive, no matter how hard you work at it. Things start to fall down, your body becomes harder and harder to control. No matter how fit, how little or how much you eat. Age switches and slows you down and conflicts with your ability to think that you'll be a certain way forever. It's when you lose control of your body, in the way of muscle mass, and the slower trickle of hormones that you begin to comprehend that what's on the outside is not necessarily the most important part of who you are.

You begin to consider beauty and attractiveness as part of the superficiality of human beings, an interim time to pair up and have children, to attract mates. Yet there are people in their sixties and seventies who think or believe that it's the only value they really ever have. So they dye their hair, work out in a gym, wear youthful clothes, most under the pretext of staying healthy. Yet many simply fearful of growing old.

There's nothing inherently wrong with attempting to stay healthy and fit. Eating properly and trying your best, although you can't beat some of your genetic inheritance, there will be along the way, things you can't change with a healthy diet and exercise. If you're wealthy you may be able to stem the tide so to speak, of aging, with surgery. But, relying on how you look is often a losing game, as you get older, and for some that loss is forever mourned as one of the most important things is their lives. Yet relying on a perception of fitness and body shape as a value is often a societal constant, instead of valuing intelligence and experience and even wisdom. Sadly this creates superficiality in aspects of our life, that don't require it.

 

[Suzanne]

No, I would break up with a man if his personality was terrible. Because, you see, when you LIKE the person, weight gain or weight loss is negligable.

I dated a chap, who at first I did not like at all, but once I got to know him and it went onto dating each other, I found him to be the most handsome guy in my world and when I met others who wanted my attention, none of them could match up to him.

I also have been out on a date with a huge chap and if I had really liked his personality, his hugeness would have been no consequence to me.

I have learned that good looks are not the be all and end all of it all; it is a guy who can laugh easily, who is kind and easy going that turns my head and makes my eyes sparkle.

 

[WereBear]

This is really an incompatibility issues. The kids thing is a big one; that is worth a breakup all by itself; there isn't any compromise (one kid is still "kids") and so the other goals; liking good food and lots of activity, which are also important to you, is even less of a reason.

 

[Mr Allen]

I wouldn't break up with a fat woman, unless she was Homer Simpson style obese, which ain't healthy, but I do like women with a bit more meat on their bones.

Like Terese Willis on Neighbours, she's hot as well as gorgeous, even though she was slimmer when she was in Home and Away in the early 90's aged about 17.

 

[Ragnahawk]

Who cares that he's overweight? I'm more concerned with the person. Where's the loyalty back and forth? Why is he avoiding challenge and not improving? People like that need to be brought out of the fixed mindset with encouragement. If there's no loyalty you two can't be capatible. People are so limiting securing a good relationship. They look at the wrong stuff, and I'm not even the guy that should be explaining that. I'm like the guy that is explaining it because the other guy took sick time or something. So sorry if I'm bad at matters of the heart.

 

[Bolletje]

I wouldn't break up with someone just over weight loss or weight gain. My weight has been up and down a lot through the years as well.

I could see myself breaking up with someone if I felt like the weight loss or gain was the result of consistent unhealthy choices, and my partner would be unwilling to change those habits.

If my boyfriend were to lose a lot of weight I'd be worried sick about his health and about the cause of the weight loss, so I'd be nagging him relentlessly to drop any habits that might contribute to losing more weight, and I'd be badgering him to make a doctor's appointment.

If my boyfriend were to gain a lot of weight and venture into the realm of the obese, I would be worried about his health and the cause of the weight gain as well, so I'd also try to get him to drop habits that might contribute to the weight gain and try to exclude any medical reasons for the weight gain.

I'm okay with everything in between, as long as the weight doesn't pose a health risk. I like my boyfriend skinny, I like my boyfriend with a little holiday flab. I just like my boyfriend. Besides, we're all getting older and more flabby every day

 

[ksheehan88]

You like slim guys, no issue with that.

If you tried to force him to be your ideal, that would be an issue.

 

[pjcnet]

Simple answer: If you truly love them you won't break up with them over weight or anything else that could change physical looks.

 

[ksheehan88]

People lose the attraction to a partner, it happens. Sometimes it happens even without any physical changes.

 

[Mathalamus]

it depends how serious i am with the person, and how involved the whole breakup process would be.

generally speaking, i would. and i would expect the person to do the same to me.

 

[Ambi]

No. But that's because relationships were about serious long-term potential for me, through thick and through thin, and many changes can happen in life. However, I definitely do notice significant differences in sexual attractiveness based on gaining or losing weight, even a little as 5 lbs. That's not to say it would be entirely lost.

 

[paloftoon]

I think it's human and acceptable socially to be shallow for romance when you're younger. Once you reach like 60+, these things shouldn't really matter cause we all get ugly anyway basically, lol.

I think it's terrible to be shallow for friendship though. You can always try to stay platonic with others no matter how they change physically. You just don't let it affect your life.

It's okay to break up with someone for physicality if that is important to you. You might not be able to enjoy a person romantically when in the bedroom if they are a certain way and can't perform because of it. You don't sound like you have standards that are too high. People change, and sometimes not in ways that are compatible with us.

When you do break up though, don't be negative or say what he's doing bad (initially). Just talk about traits that you like and just say that at first this dating/relationship was working for me, but it isn't anymore. I think you are a good person and I don't want to hold you back, but if I continued knowing what I know now, I would only be betraying both of us from a good future. If he asks what he can do to improve, then that gives you more room to be honest or offer positive suggestions. Some people can accept constructive or well meaning criticism and some can't- so try to judge his character beforehand to see if he would freak out or be unnecessarily argumentative if you were super honest with him. Base it on context too. Sometimes there really is no way to avoid confrontation, but just to deal with it head on. Don't try to leave hints if he doesn't seem to be understanding. Be honest, direct, 1-1, and just keep focused on "what works for you." It's good and healthy to be as open as you can be to different possibilities. We can't have everything we want in a person, but it's reasonable to look for a combination of some things.