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Yep it's happening again and I am freezing 🥶 up.

Tony Ramirez

Tony Ramirez

Single
V.I.P Member
Okay so don't read that garbage about girls hating me. It's true not everyone likes everyone. That's for anyone.

I experienced this last week changes. Anyway to get to the point. Just now at the cafe a attractive women sat next to me drank coffee and ate lunch. Now there were places for her to sit. Also I took up the entire couch and had my laptop on the table with my drink and cake. She just sat down and I had to move over and even moved my stuff. She said nothing because I had headphones on.

Of course like always in my past watching Inuyasha I froze up 🥶 like many times in my past like in college and could not say a word or could barely move. I was even for a while to get my drink and it took me a few attempts before I was able to do that. Then when she left I was able to let out a big breath.

What is wrong? I talk to girls now. I even approached them yet I still had the same past reaction.ni don't understand.
 
I see you like anime. Volunteering at an anime convention might be a good way for you to meet people. You have to sign up early to get a chance to volunteer typically- and if it's your first time, you probably have to pay and then be reimbursed afterward if you do your hours.
 
Lots of aspies like animie for some crazy reasons.

When I was younger the sifi channel played it for a week and my neurotypical cousin thought it was weird I liked it. I wanted an all animie channel so bad back then.
 
Tony Ramirez said:
Okay so don't read that garbage about girls hating me. It's true not everyone likes everyone. That's for anyone.

I experienced this last week changes. Anyway to get to the point. Just now at the cafe a attractive women sat next to me drank coffee and ate lunch. Now there were places for her to sit. Also I took up the entire couch and had my laptop on the table with my drink and cake. She just sat down and I had to move over and even moved my stuff. She said nothing because I had headphones on.

Of course like always in my past watching Inuyasha I froze up 🥶 like many times in my past like in college and could not say a word or could barely move. I was even for a while to get my drink and it took me a few attempts before I was able to do that. Then when she left I was able to let out a big breath.

What is wrong? I talk to girls now. I even approached them yet I still had the same past reaction.ni don't understand.
Click to expand...

has this been the case for you for the past 20 plus years or longer?
 
One way of increasing the chances of freezing up is to put too much importance on something. If you asked an average person to walk along a line of bricks on the ground they'd be highly likely to do it with little fuss. Make than a 20m high wall and people are going to struggle.

If you're seeing the moment of a woman sitting by you as this monumental task of high significance that is potentially the start of some relationship, you're going to feel the pressure. If you see it as "I say hello to people because it's polite, and I do so not as a precursor to anything, and have no expectations of what happens next" you'll be seeing it as it really is, and it's easier.

That's really such an important step to take. For as long as I have been reading your posts you have been looking at relationships as a series of steps in a process that must be performed to some level of competence before the next step. That makes sense for many an autistic mind, but - aside from the point that human beings are extremely prone to taking those processes, screwing them up in a ball and eating them - it puts a LOT of pressure on you seeing every encounter with a single woman as being the first step in a relationship. No wonder you freeze up.

If the first time I spoke to my partner I had the idea that "This is your future wife and mother to your kids. Whatever you do. Don't. Screw. Up" I would have been unable to open my mouth to speak. What a burden to put on yourself. Don't. A hello is just a hello.

That mindset does two other things. It straps the other person into a role not of their choosing. If they mess up their lines they're the villain. And finally it sets up that black/white and catastrophic thinking we spoke about. Because if it's a process that has to run like clockwork, it's either going according to plan, or it's broken. Which means you are either joyful but apprehensive, or completely gutted.

Dial down the pressure on yourself. Saying hello to people is polite in situations where they join your table. And it's only about being pleasant, not the beginning of something else. And if they don't reply, so what? You are being who you want to be, living up to your values.
 
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You can only talk to women in safe spaces that are public because not everyone wants to be rude to you, but I think they can tell that you are not entirely independent. If things were only based on looks, I think you would've found someone already. Church groups are going to have almost all NT people. You need to vary the groups you are in- you don't have to leave a church group, but can you volunteer at a homeless shelter regularly and/or find an autism social group possibly?
 
Tony Ramirez said:
Yes it has. But my socializing with women has improved however they still have to talk to me first in random places.

I can only approach them in real safe environments like church social meetups.
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yeah we all know that for all time, men normally will never have women start interactions with them, not only that, i did some research, and it says that, for most of civilization history, arranged marriage was the norm in most countries, societies worldwide, but that eventually died down, ended, so approaching people in public places, is not the norm or natural as it people make it out to be, many people think, if arranged marriage hadn't died out, then there would be lot less lonely single people in the world.
 
read some youtube comments that support this:

"men making the first move is the natural order, and she says men approaching women happened for all of human history, I see similar comments all the time But what is the actual proof of this?

How do we know this was the default for all of human history?

I’m skeptical because from what I understand for most of human history we lived in small tribes so I don’t think cold approach would be a thing as everyone knows each other, and most of civilizational history had some sort of arranged marriage dynamic. If we as humans are naturally designed for men to approach women or make advances on women they don’t know, I don’t think so many women would feel so uncomfortable / hostile to it or not feel threatened by it, not feel like their boundaries are violated, and so many men would not feel so much anxiety / awkwardness around it, if anything it seems like we are ingrained to be biased against doing it."

There was a follow up to it, it said "Arranged/forced marriages have actually been the norm for the majority of civilization throughout our human history"
 
MNAus said:
One way of increasing the chances of freezing up is to put too much importance on something. If you asked an average person to walk along a line of bricks on the ground they'd be highly likely to do it with little fuss. Make than a 20m high wall and people are going to struggle.

If you're seeing the moment of a woman sitting by you as this monumental task of high significance that is potentially the start of some relationship, you're going to feel the pressure. If you see it as "I say hello to people because it's polite, and I do so not as a precursor to anything, and have no expectations of what happens next" you'll be seeing it as it really is, and it's easier.

That's really such an important step to take. For as long as I have been reading your posts you have been looking at relationships as a series of steps in a process that must be performed to some level of competence before the next step. That makes sense for many an autistic mind, but - aside from the point that human beings are extremely prone to taking those processes, screwing them up in a ball and eating them - it puts a LOT of pressure on you seeing every encounter with a single woman as being the first step in a relationship. No wonder you freeze up.

If the first time I spoke to my partner I had the idea that "This is your future wife and mother to your kids. Whatever you do. Don't. Screw. Up" I would have been unable to open my mouth to speak. What a burden to put on yourself. Don't. A hello is just a hello.

That mindset does two other things. It straps the other person into a role not of their choosing. If they mess up their lines they're the villain. And finally it sets up that black/white and catastrophic thinking we spoke about. Because if it's a process that has to run like clockwork, it's either going according to plan, or it's broken. Which means you are either joyful but apprehensive, or completely gutted.

Dial down the pressure on yourself. Saying hello to people is polite in situations where they join your table. And it's only about being pleasant, not the beginning of something else. And if they don't reply, so what? You are being who you want to be, living up to your values.
Click to expand...
This post, somehow, reminds me of my autistic father. He told me the first thing he thought when he held me as a newborn was "I better not screw this up". He kind of, did, though😔. And yet, I'm a reasonably kind, smart, responsible, resilient, creative, kind of person, so he couldn't have done too badly. Us autists can be SO HARD on ourselves, and concurrently, other people can be highly intolerant, unkind and judgemental towards us, so maybe it's no wonder we internalize that.

I kind of wish he had just thought "Wow!" I have a beautiful baby girl! How wonderful!" He might've been able to be more present and responsive to me then.

Us women are just people. People first, females second. If more guys treated us just like fellow themselves, we would, probably, be a whole lot more open to friendly interactions with males.I think autistic men have a better chance of being authentic and un-agenda-ed than a lot of neurotypical men, if they just realize how much women are just people, wanting to be treated as just another human wanting kindly interaction and friendly communication.

None of us are perfect, invulnerable or of more value than you guys. And friendliness without agendas and attachment to outcomes feels far safer and more fulfilling than the oftentimes common ploys of lines, trying too hard to impress us, or, responding to us fearfully and avoidantly. It does take work on the inside though. Work to be OK with who you are and what happens in life. It doesn't matter what you look like, how much money you make, or what you do, women worth knowing admire guys who have worked to be OK with who they are. But it's a lot easier said than done. It takes constant practise and detaching from the fearful and unkind programming most of us have learnt
 
"But do you realize the futility of feeling angry and resentful about the way human mating rituals have been for the last 300,000 years? You don’t have to like it, but it’s the way it is—and it’s not women’s fault. And I’m afraid that forming relationships always involves “the drama and burden of having to court a woman all over again.” You can feel exasperated by the whole process, but it’s not going to change. You’ll have to work on your attitude and your confidence and the way you project your personality."

Even though research says that for most of human civilization, we did have an arranged marriage dynamic.
 
yeah, so in many ways, i think the world was a better place when arranged marriage was still the norm worldwide, in that case, those situations, it was not neccessarily the man courting the woman or one gender doing the pursuing, people were introduced and set up with each other by parents, families, friends or the community.
 
Had this happen to me many times I saw it for what it was She is interested in you wants to start a conversation.
get to know you. Some women are very direct. Trying to get our attention within the rules us Aspies do not follow,
I did not know at the time I was an Aspie, just surprised how direct they were. You are too self conscious of you weight looks.
 
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Steelbookcollector217 said:
why does that sound horrible?
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In one post you said, "arranged/forced" marriage. Being forced into a marriage sounds scary and awful.

You also talked about parents, friends, and the community being involved in pairing people up - this amount of meddling sounds so uncomfortable and unwanted by me. (I'm not suggesting that no one should seek help in this area, thus my suggestion for a matchmaker.)

For my part, I do not want other people involved in the most personal and private decision of if I want a partner at all, and if so, who would be a good fit for me. It would be difficult for anyone but ourselves to truly understand what we want in a partner and who would be a good fit for us. That is a very important decision and I would not trust anyone else to make it for me.
 
Rodafina said:
In one post you said, "arranged/forced" marriage. Being forced into a marriage sounds scary and awful.

You also talked about parents, friends, and the community being involved in pairing people up - this amount of meddling sounds so uncomfortable and unwanted by me. (I'm not suggesting that no one should seek help in this area, thus my suggestion for a matchmaker.)

For my part, I do not want other people involved in the most personal and private decision of if I want a partner at all, and if so, who would be a good fit for me. It would be difficult for anyone but ourselves to truly understand what we want in a partner and who would be a good fit for us. That is a very important decision and I would not trust anyone else to make it for me.
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well according to research, arranged marriages have a low rate of divorced or getting separated, another reason, is because, relationships that are formed by that means, it means, it doesn't fall on one specific gender to be the initiator or to initiate.
 
Steelbookcollector217 said:
yeah, so in many ways, i think the world was a better place when arranged marriage was still the norm worldwide, in that case, those situations, it was not neccessarily the man courting the woman or one gender doing the pursuing, people were introduced and set up with each other by parents, families, friends or the community.
Click to expand...

This is an example of "golden age fallacy" (i.e. things were better in the past).

In reality, things were simply different. Marriage, from a historical standpoint, was often rooted in politics, social relationships, and/or economics.

Arranged marriages (often forced, but not always) were ways of cementing relationships and alliances - for example, two persons get along well and decide that their children will get married to one another so that they would become in-laws. Or a parent facing financial difficulty decides to arrange for their daughter to marry a well off guy so that they themselves would receive economic support. Or the folks in one village try to get their children married to people from as many different villages in the area to form a sort of mutual support network.

In such cases, there was often no free will, and social stigma of divorce combined with limited opportunities for a woman to be economically self-sufficient meant that even if both parties were amenable to a divorce, it may not be practical for the wife to seek one. In other words, she could find herself trapped in an unhappy and potentially abusive relationship.

Such a world, where marriages were mostly transactional in nature and often forced upon parties is not one that we should be seeking to return to.
 
VictorR said:
This is an example of "golden age fallacy" (i.e. things were better in the past).

In reality, things were simply different. Marriage, from a historical standpoint, was often rooted in politics, social relationships, and/or economics.

Arranged marriages (often forced, but not always) were ways of cementing relationships and alliances - for example, two persons get along well and decide that their children will get married to one another so that they would become in-laws. Or a parent facing financial difficulty decides to arrange for their daughter to marry a well off guy so that they themselves would receive economic support. Or the folks in one village try to get their children married to people from as many different villages in the area to form a sort of mutual support network.

In such cases, there was often no free will, and social stigma of divorce combined with limited opportunities for a woman to be economically self-sufficient meant that even if both parties were amenable to a divorce, it may not be practical for the wife to seek one. In other words, she could find herself trapped in an unhappy and potentially abusive relationship.

Such a world, where marriages were mostly transactional in nature and often forced upon parties is not one that we should be seeking to return to.
Click to expand...
then how do we know that "men making the first move is the natural order, and she says men approaching women happened for all of human history, I see similar comments all the time But what is the actual proof of this?", any evidence or proof that has been the case for all of human history?
 
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