Your funniest injuries

[Callistemon]

Speaking of injuries, what's white and dangerous and falls out of trees?

Spoiler

A koala with a refrigerator tied to its back.

Actually the branches of our trees kill more people in Australia than snakes and spiders combined. There's not been a confirmed death from spider bites in this country since 1974 if I remember correctly - yonks ago. And snakes rarely kill people here - about the same rate as champagne corks, according to an article I read.

But the branches of some of our eucalyptus trees are called "widow makers" for a reason.

 

[Nitro]

Ok, how about my Howard Hughes story?

It even includes a real spruce goose if you can believe that

As kids, we were cabin and treehouse builders.
We scrounged materials where we could and built some damned fine structures from crap we found laying around.

One treehouse in particular was high up in a huge tree, possibly around 30 feet.
There was a rope swing tied off in an equally huge tree that was perfect for dragging onto the treehouse platform and swinging way across the yard.
It was magic to say the least.

One day, Dad brought a freakishly huge half sheet of plywood home for us that was likely 12 feet long.
Being from an aviation related family, we were given many of those little balsawood gliders to play with and fully understood the necessity of the wing location to the nose weight proximity and how to check it.

Easy enough, take a 2x4 for the fuselage and nail the plywood to it in about the right location. Add a smaller piece for the stabilizer and rig a vertical fin to it.
Now to check the balance.
Easy enough, support the wings about a third of the way from the leading edge and note how it rotated.
Oops, nose up, gonna need a nose weight to correct it.
A third of a concrete block should do the trick, nail her on boys!
Perfect.
Time for a test flight, unmanned of course, cause ya know, safety first!

We tied it to the rope swing and got it to balance then tied another rope to the tail.Then we dragged the rope up the makeshift ladder so we could tie the airframe to the tree.
We cut the rope off at the tail with a hatchet and watched as the craft swung on the rope swing.
Beautiful.
It did in fact fly, or so we thought.

Now the flight plan was filed for the first manned mission.
Howard, which was me, determined that all it was going to take to fly the damned thing was to sit on it and lean side to side for the banks and fore and aft to control the attitude.
The idea was to bank hard left to miss the house, then slightly right to cross the road then glide for hours in the field across the road.
Re-tie the tail rope and drag her back to the platform men!
Cinch her tight to the tree, can't have any accidents
I handed my brother the hatchet to cut the tail tether then saddled her up with my rusty Case pen knife in hand to cut the rope swing.
Cut it!
He did and the craft started forward as I sawed away at the rope.
At about mid swing, the rope was severed.
Needless to say, it didn't fly, in fact it dropped straight down faster than a brick

I got fairly busted up on that stunt, but no broken bones, so lesson learned?
NADA

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

My injuries tended to be serious, the injuries to my pride were frequently funny. Once on the Wolf river in Wisconsin in my canoe I was entering the top of Boy Scout rapid, a particularly rocky one. I was moving between two rocks when a surge lifted me up and deposited my Bow on one rock and the stern on another, completely out of water, and ready to play a flapping windowshade if I lost my balance. But I had no clear move off. Summoning the little bit of aplomb that I could salvage, I twirled my paddle over my head like I meant to do this and dove in. A very short swim and I was back in my boat. The only injury was to my pride.

 

[Luca]

One time, someone left the toilet seat up in a restaurant bathroom, and I fell ass-first into the toilet. I didn't get injured per se, but I was mortified.
Better than falling head-first into a toilet though! Lol

Edited to add that, when I fell in the toilet, I was wearing a dress.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

One time, someone left the toilet seat up in a restaurant bathroom, and I fell ass-first into the toilet. I didn't get injured per se, but I was mortified.
Better than falling head-first into a toilet though! Lol

Edited to add that, when I fell in the toilet, I was wearing a dress.

OW! I find injuries to composure to be the most embarrasing.

 

[AGXStarseed]

Something you guys might find funny and informative:

 

[Callistemon]

One time, someone left the toilet seat up in a restaurant bathroom, and I fell ass-first into the toilet. I didn't get injured per se, but I was mortified.
Better than falling head-first into a toilet though! Lol

Speaking of, on a related matter - my first boyfriend, when I was at university, used to leave the toilet seat up (my husband has far better manners and wouldn't dream of not putting seat and lid back on a dunny and he was already like that when I met him, did not require potty training). One night I had to get up to pee and made my way semi-comatose to the bathroom without turning any lights on, because I really didn't want to wake up / shock my system. Sat down and - disappeared with my backside first into the cold ceramic of the toilet, because charming boyfriend had left the seat up again. Was very horrible to be stuck in damp cold unhygienic toilet with bare bottom and have to make my way out, and then shower in the middle of the night. My boyfriend thought it was sooooo hilarious, and gave no indication that he would be more courteous in future.

And indeed he wasn't, but fate presented me with a good revenge that week. I was cleaning the toilet - and was usually the only one to do it (back then, I didn't know that what you put up with is what you get stuck with, and that actions speak louder than words and when words don't change a thing, voting with your feet is worth a million billion words - but I know that now). He came in and was insolent about something and I just had a light bulb go off over my head. I sweetly said to him, "You need to put your head in the toilet!"

"Why?"

"You'll find out!" said I, laughing.

And unbelievably, he did.

And then I flushed.

(God it was sweet! Such divinely poetic justice...)

Now it was his turn to splutter and complain and take a shower.

Some people don't learn unless they have similar experiences as the ones they inflict on others and laugh about. It's best not to marry people like that!

 

[Callistemon]

This wasn't my embarrassing injury, and I'm not even sure it was embarrassing, but I thought it was worth relating. I heard about this on the radio when I was in my senior year in high school. Someone had eaten muesli for breakfast and had his oesophagus rupture in the middle of it, so he required emergency surgery at Royal Perth Hospital. (Think of the contamination, @Bolletje & @Neonatal RRT ! )

Not something you think would happen when you're eating breakfast, but I have this feeling that maybe he wasn't having much milk or yoghurt with his muesli and perhaps cramming it in. You have to be careful with dry pelleted feeds and horses because if they eat it quickly and greedily, it can cause an impacted oesophagus which, if lucky, you can help clear with massage (as horses have long necks with the oesophagus just under the skin), and if you're not you have to call a veterinarian to tube them (unpleasant and expensive).

But I recently heard of another case of, in this instance, a young man eating a bowl of Fruitloops fast without milk and ending up with a punctured lung he didn't realise he had for a week afterwards. He actually aspirated a piece of cereal into his lungs, and it was sharp enough to go through the tissue. Ended up with pneumothorax and in the emergency room.

Yeah well, it is better to chew one's food slowly and savour it anyway, instead of cramming it in like you're some kind of mailbox.

 

[Bolletje]

I’ve seen a few accidental food aspiration pneumonias in my time in the hospital. Two most embarrassing injuries I saw in the ER:

- a boy shooting himself in the finger with a pellet gun because he wanted to see how much force was behind the pellets (ending up with a tiny lead pellet in his finger bone)

- a man knocking out his dentures while eating a hotdog, causing his dentures to get lodged in his esophagus. Thankfully we got the dentures back up with a laryngoscope, with minimal damage to the esophagus

 

[Callistemon]

The father of abovementioned first boyfriend thought it was a good idea to take a bullet, put it in a vise, and hit it with a hammer, to see what would happen, and yes, he was a midlife adult at the time. The result was that he became deaf in one ear. No more stereo.

 

[Judge]

The father of abovementioned first boyfriend thought it was a good idea to take a bullet, put it in a vise, and hit it with a hammer, to see what would happen, and yes, he was a midlife adult at the time. The result was that he became deaf in one ear. No more stereo.

I recall someone doing just that in our basement in Virginia. It was a .50 caliber shell that nearly shredded my brother's hand. Left him in a bandage that made him look like a mummy-wannabee for about a month. Just in time to be photographed for my father's retirement ceremony.

 

[Callistemon]

What is it with people, @Judge? Honestly. And one thing I want to know about the English language is about the word "commonsense" - it actually doesn't seem to be that common. So much self-inflicted idiocy in this world...

In German, the term you'd use is "gesunder Menschenverstand" - healthy people-understanding. Which at least signifies that it's a healthy understanding, not necessarily a common understanding.

 

[Judge]

What is it with people, @Judge? Honestly. And one thing I want to know about the English language is about the word "commonsense" - it actually doesn't seem to be that common. So much self-inflicted idiocy in this world...

Consider it part of the windshield wiper syndrome.

You know...."dumb-guy dumb-guy dumb-guy dumb-guy".

Then again life hasn't been the same since MTV's "Jackass".

 

[Forest Cat]

The father of abovementioned first boyfriend thought it was a good idea to take a bullet, put it in a vise, and hit it with a hammer, to see what would happen, and yes, he was a midlife adult at the time. The result was that he became deaf in one ear. No more stereo.

My nephew did the same thing. He was 11 so that explains it. He shredded a finger and his ego.

I recall someone doing just that in our basement in Virginia. It was a .50 caliber shell that nearly shredded my brother's hand. Left him in a bandage that made him look like a mummy-wannabee for about a month. Just in time to be photographed for my father's retirement ceremony.

Someone hit a .50 caliber shell with a hammer?
Wow. In a way I would have liked to see that.

 

[Judge]

My nephew did the same thing. He was 11 so that explains it. He shredded a finger and his ego.

Someone hit a .50 caliber shell with a hammer?
Wow. In a way I would have liked to see that.

Not something you'd want to witness too closely. The primer went off, shredding his left hand.

But he made a complete recovery.

 

[Stuttermabolur]

Buckle up, boys, girls and others (whether young, old or middle aged) because I have a story to tell (Warning, foreskin involved if you are not into that).

So, I was in a long distance relationship for a couple of years with someone living 4000 km away in a different country. This was her first visit to my place and happened approximately 5 months after we got together. I didn't know at the time (though I was slowly realizing it) but I am asexual. We had been friends for a year beforehand, and are still friends today. I never had any interest in sexual intercourse, over-sexualisation makes me uncomfortable and I mostly get attracted to people due to their personality, but I actually did enjoy foreplay with her as I like making her happy (though I always started laughing when she tried stuff on me since I'm ticklish).

Now, I had never been in a relationship before, and we were both learning to be close (like, really close) for the first time. We had done some "experimenting", but the incident happened as we were visiting my aunt who lives away from the city.

I have no clue how common this is for autistic males, but, erm... I did not really know a whole lot about my penis (I might make a thread about it sometimes). The first time my foreskin got pulled back happened in my sleep when I was 15 and I found it excruciatingly painful. It took many hours to figure out how to put the "hood" back on which made me quite scared of it happening again.

She had been more of a "driver" when it comes to sexual matters, and one thing she wanted to do was give me oral (I genuinely have no idea why she would willingly want to). I reluctantly allowed it, and to be fair, it was pleasurable, though I was also faking a bit how much I enjoyed it (not for the last time). The incident at my aunt's house was not the first time, but we went farther than we had before and as she was... erm... enveloping me, it happened.

No, I didn't ejaculate (in fact, I never did when we had semi-sex which was a major source of frustration for her), but the foreskin got pulled back, and if that wasn't enough, I could. not. pull. it. back. over. I really, really tried, but I just didn't have the grip or a technique required for this delicate operation.

For the next few days, I walked like I had a stick up my anus, trying as hard as I could to minimize contact between the crown of my penis and my underpants, or eventually, pants. It was actually really uncomfortable and I was worried about never having the velvety cloth of my foreskin cuddling my seldom-seen tip and keeping it warm. This was not the worst of it, oh no.

After 3-4 days, I was taking a shower and trying as always to stretch my foreskin as far as I could, when I noticed something disturbing. A translucent film had formed on the underside of my penis. It looked like a small bubblegum bubble and for those of you not in the know, so to speak, it's generally a bad omen when your penis is preparing for the carnival. I started looking stuff up on google (always a good idea) and discovered that this is a known condition with some latin name I don't feel like looking up for all of our sanity which can happen if the foreskin is kept under for too long. Some of those pictures were not fun to look at no matter how big of a penis lower you are. Symptoms included excruciating pain, infertility and penile necrosis. Not something you would want to experience at the carnival or anywhere else for that matter. As a rule, I like to minimize my contact with clinics and healthcare facilities, but there was really no choice. I booked an appointment later that day and we went for a walk there.

I really have a hard time deciding the best way to describe how the visit went, so perhaps some vignette's go the furthest.

• My ex was told to wait outside with a nice German medical student who upon hearing that she is with me let out a knowing "Ahhhhhh....."
• A seemingly experienced and soft spoken doctor who looked like he was in his late 60's trying really hard to understand the problem.
• Me sitting on a bench for about 30 minutes with a bag of ice between my legs.
• Oh yeah, and before that, the German student and the older doctor frantically tugging at my foreskin in unison wearing single-use gloves.

Turns out that's all it took. I just lacked the confidence/upper body strength to tug it the whole way (or perhaps I was holding the wrong part). There were no lasting physical consequences for me, though my ex did tell her mom. I was 19 at the time.

Anyways, this is the second most embarrassing story of my life. The worst one will have to wait until my global comedy tour as it somehow manages to be much worse (if less physically painful).

 

[Bolletje]

In German, the term you'd use is "gesunder Menschenverstand" - healthy people-understanding. Which at least signifies that it's a healthy understanding, not necessarily a common understanding.

In Dutch it’s “boerenverstand”, farmer’s understanding. Which doesn’t explain how I saw a farmhand at the ER with a hay fork lodged in his foot because he was jumping over ditches but didn’t clean up his tools beforehand.

 

[Callistemon]

In Dutch it’s “boerenverstand”, farmer’s understanding. Which doesn’t explain how I saw a farmhand at the ER with a hay fork lodged in his foot because he was jumping over ditches but didn’t clean up his tools beforehand.

Dear Bolletje, here's one that I'm sure gave a lot of mileage to a lot of people - a Perth man, several decades ago, went into emergency with one of those slot weights that stacks onto weights machines stuck on his immovable erection. Turns out he was suffering from the misconception that the penis is a muscular organ which can benefit from weight training. From then on, every time I did sex ed with high school, and they learnt anatomy, I had a story to tell to go with the corpora cavernosa / corpus spongiosum which so many high school kids who don't like to study mislabel in anatomy tests as "muscle"... I told them this story as a fair warning, and also said that anyone who got this wrong on the test would find be awarded a "person most likely to get gym weights stuck on their penis" certificate. (The odd student did end up with one regardless.)

Of course, having heard the story, some kids would ask, "And how do the emergency doctors remove a weight that's stuck on a person's penis?"

I could think of several approaches - and the boys crossed their legs surreptitiously as I was elucidating on them:

1) Ice pack may help - depending on the amount of compression being experienced to the drainage veins

2) Hypodermic could be used in theory to drain the corpora of some blood (thank you for your donation)

3) Angle grinder - which may carry risk of slippage, but Darwin would call it natural selection

But maybe you can tell us what you'd actually do!

 

[Bolletje]

Starting with the ice pack is gentle, but I wonder if it would help. I know drainage by hypodermic needle is an option for priapism, but I think genera tissue swelling will probably make that approach ineffective. I think I would go with the angle grinder! If that doesn’t work, at least there won’t be a penis to get stuck in things anymore

 

[Callistemon]

Buckle up, boys, girls and others (whether young, old or middle aged) because I have a story to tell (Warning, foreskin involved if you are not into that).

So, I was in a long distance relationship for a couple of years with someone living 4000 km away in a different country. This was her first visit to my place and happened approximately 5 months after we got together. I didn't know at the time (though I was slowly realizing it) but I am asexual. We had been friends for a year beforehand, and are still friends today. I never had any interest in sexual intercourse, over-sexualisation makes me uncomfortable and I mostly get attracted to people due to their personality, but I actually did enjoy foreplay with her as I like making her happy (though I always started laughing when she tried stuff on me since I'm ticklish).

Now, I had never been in a relationship before, and we were both learning to be close (like, really close) for the first time. We had done some "experimenting", but the incident happened as we were visiting my aunt who lives away from the city.

I have no clue how common this is for autistic males, but, erm... I did not really know a whole lot about my penis (I might make a thread about it sometimes). The first time my foreskin got pulled back happened in my sleep when I was 15 and I found it excruciatingly painful. It took many hours to figure out how to put the "hood" back on which made me quite scared of it happening again.

She had been more of a "driver" when it comes to sexual matters, and one thing she wanted to do was give me oral (I genuinely have no idea why she would willingly want to). I reluctantly allowed it, and to be fair, it was pleasurable, though I was also faking a bit how much I enjoyed it (not for the last time). The incident at my aunt's house was not the first time, but we went farther than we had before and as she was... erm... enveloping me, it happened.

No, I didn't ejaculate (in fact, I never did when we had semi-sex which was a major source of frustration for her), but the foreskin got pulled back, and if that wasn't enough, I could. not. pull. it. back. over. I really, really tried, but I just didn't have the grip or a technique required for this delicate operation.

For the next few days, I walked like I had a stick up my anus, trying as hard as I could to minimize contact between the crown of my penis and my underpants, or eventually, pants. It was actually really uncomfortable and I was worried about never having the velvety cloth of my foreskin cuddling my seldom-seen tip and keeping it warm. This was not the worst of it, oh no.

After 3-4 days, I was taking a shower and trying as always to stretch my foreskin as far as I could, when I noticed something disturbing. A translucent film had formed on the underside of my penis. It looked like a small bubblegum bubble and for those of you not in the know, so to speak, it's generally a bad omen when your penis is preparing for the carnival. I started looking stuff up on google (always a good idea) and discovered that this is a known condition with some latin name I don't feel like looking up for all of our sanity which can happen if the foreskin is kept under for too long. Some of those pictures were not fun to look at no matter how big of a penis lower you are. Symptoms included excruciating pain, infertility and penile necrosis. Not something you would want to experience at the carnival or anywhere else for that matter. As a rule, I like to minimize my contact with clinics and healthcare facilities, but there was really no choice. I booked an appointment later that day and we went for a walk there.

I really have a hard time deciding the best way to describe how the visit went, so perhaps some vignette's go the furthest.

• My ex was told to wait outside with a nice German medical student who upon hearing that she is with me let out a knowing "Ahhhhhh....."
• A seemingly experienced and soft spoken doctor who looked like he was in his late 60's trying really hard to understand the problem.
• Me sitting on a bench for about 30 minutes with a bag of ice between my legs.
• Oh yeah, and before that, the German student and the older doctor frantically tugging at my foreskin in unison wearing single-use gloves.

Turns out that's all it took. I just lacked the confidence/upper body strength to tug it the whole way (or perhaps I was holding the wrong part). There were no lasting physical consequences for me, though my ex did tell her mom. I was 19 at the time.

Anyways, this is the second most embarrassing story of my life. The worst one will have to wait until my global comedy tour as it somehow manages to be much worse (if less physically painful).

Maybe I need to read this again, but I'm having trouble working out how this is happening to you - do you have a super-small foreskin? OK, my sample size for observation isn't what statisticians would say qualified for a formal study of the matter, but it's greater than 1, and I have observed that it is normal for the glans to protude from the foreskin during erection, to a greater or lesser degree depending on the relative sizes of penis and foreskin - and then to spontaneously slide back over the glans after an erection subsides, with no need for any manual handling to make that happen. So I'm bamboozled here. Or is the deflation process not working for you?

@Bolletje - what am I missing?

FWIW, circumcised males never have the luxury of having their glans protected by their foreskin, so the epithelium on it thickens and it becomes less sensitive to friction. This, by the way, I know more about than the average heterosexual male, because I've observed the differences firsthand, and most heterosexual males are only dealing with a sample size of 1, either circumcised or not circumcised, and aren't able to make the comparison - unless they have obliging male friends to play show-and-tell with, perhaps...and likewise, I've found that males circumcised in infancy actually have very little idea of the highly functional aspect of the foreskin they are missing, not just for protecting the glans but also to make intercourse a lot more comfortable and sensuous for the female participant, so I'd gladly keelhaul people who mutilate genitalia, whether female or male - it is how it is for very good reasons... and I'm sorry for anyone who got the chop (although as I said, usually they don't see the problem)...