I’m pretty heartbroken today. Last night I had to call off a reunion with my ex-boyfriend/fiance. He did something to upset me again. I found his behavior unacceptable, and had to ask him to not contact me anymore. The last time I left him, I made the mistake of staying in touch, and that’s how we ended up trying to reconnect again.
So many feelings are racing through me right now: disappointment, grief, regret, anger ... love ... missing him terribly. It feels overwhelming. The worst thing of all is the silence. It’s not the external quiet of missing his physical presence around me, but a quiet inside. It’s like the end of a story in my head. The last page has been read, and there is no sequel to provide further insight, or hope for a change in the outcome. No more possibilities, no more expectations, no more focus. A consciousness at loose ends ... untethered ... floating. But floating where? What do I use to fill the empty spaces where we used to talk (to paraphrase Pink Floyd)?
This is going to be very hard for me. He was/is my soul mate. We were so similar, except I don’t have the mental problems and the drinking problem he has. I keep thinking over and over what a waste it all is. He is everything a woman like me could want, except he comes with all this baggage. I simply don’t feel capable of dealing with it.
We’ve only known each other for a year and a half. Perhaps if we had more of a history together I’d feel a greater obligation to stick with him and try to get him to help himself. As it is, I realize he will make my life very difficult if I continue with him. There won’t be any easy path to happily ever after for us. He will require a huge expenditure of time, money and effort from me to attempt to get him well, and there is no guarantee it would work. That's up to him and his willpower.
Be assured, I’m not just talking about a little drinking in the evenings. I’m talking about drinking all night until one passes out, and all day and night on weekends. I’m talking about psychosis that blossoms with each additional drink one consumes, effectively turning a sweet and loving person into a hateful maniac. I’m talking about a true Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde personality. Instant *sshole, just add alcohol.
What would you do if you were in my position? Would you follow your heart and choose to love your man/woman and stick by him/her? Would you be willing to see him/her through the months, or possibly years, of detox and therapy required, and risk everything on the hope he/she would stay "on the wagon" and see the program through? Or, would you go with your better judgement and choose your own well-being and an easier, if not a full and passionate, life without your loved one? What if you felt this was the only person you’d ever love again? Would you choose your love or your life?
If you choose to answer the question, please indicate your age, or at least age group (e.g. under 20, 20’s, 30’s, so on). I’m interested to see how age might affect answers.
