Hi my name is Shelby and I'm an addict

Hm... It only uploaded the first minute. See I can't get tik tok videos to embed for some reason... It flashes error messages and says something like "this type of media cannot be uploaded" idk if the creators of this website manually disabled tik tok uploads or what but it's really frusterating because there's so much good information I want to share and be able to come back to and if it were all here in easily playable videos instead of links it would be *chefs kiss* but evidently I'm not going to be able to get that I'll be thinking of other ways I can upload videos here maybe I can post them to YouTube first... But then wouldn't I get in trouble for copywrite or whatever?

Anyways in other news... I stayed sober today. I'm really proud of myself. There's the smallest drop of dope in my pipe still and I could have smoked it... It wouldn't even get me high but I chose not to smoke it today and for that I'm really proud of myself. I'm really worried about tomorrow because I go to work tomorrow...
Shelby 9/29/23 1:45am

Please work.

Shelby 9/29/23 1:53am

Yay so I made it to page two finally. Proud of myself for utilizing this blog more, but underwhelmed at the amount of interaction I'm getting.
As of today it says I have 542 views on my blog, but like how many of those views are me?
I should be better about going and commenting on other people's blogs and posts, idk why I don't, it's like I couldn't care less about making friends. Or maybe I'm just socially awkward. It feels like a very autistic thing, though, to only want to talk about yourself and then never venture out to discover more friends
In other news I unfortunately got high today... What happened was my dealer literally came up to me and handed me drugs... I mean I guess it wasn't THAT simple, but it was pretty close. He texted me asking how I was doing and I was kind of fishing for it because I was triggered at the time just by his text, so I said "I'm fine... Just broke" and then he literally came and handed me drugs.
I was really proud of myself though because usually I do them right away even if I'm at work but I purposefully didn't bring my pipe to work today and so I was forced to wait like 4 hours... And I did wait, even though I could have done a line, I waited. I even thought how wonderful it would be if I could force myself to flush this sack down the toilet.
I don't want to be this way anymore.

Hey... If by chance you see this, will you say "hey" or something just so I know I'm not alone here? I'd really appriciate it.

Shelby 9/30/23 4:15am

Shelby 9/30/23 4:20am

Come back to this video I've heard it's good.
Shelby 9/30/23 4:52am

Hey guys how's it going? I've not written here in a couple days... Hopefully nobody is *too* mad.

*crickets*

OK so today was an ok day. Me and my roommate went out to eat and then I took her to Lane Bryant (she had never been and she's a bigger girl) to find a bra and then we went to the grocery store and now I'm sitting here high...

Ugh.

It's like... Here's the other thing ok so the drugs and sex go hand in hand for me. I used to just be pretty addicted to sex before I found drugs and now that I found drugs I want drugs when I want sex and I want sex when I'm high and outside of that I'm pretty asexual (still gay, but repulsed by sex) and it's like... The ability to get aroused is altogether missing from me when I'm not high, and it feels like a piece of my soul is missing when I'm not high and that's what it is is the ability to get aroused.

And then when I do get aroused on drugs I'm someone else completely... Like seriously watching satan worshipping videos, listening to sexual hypno files, wanting to whore myself out... But when I'm off drugs I'm completely the opposite like I wouldn't say that I believe in the Bible "god that hates homosexuality" type of God but I sure do listen to preachers (like Joyce Meyer for example) because I think they have really encouraging things to say. And I'm creating this kind of religious trauma inside of myself and I don't know what to do with it, like I'm not on anybody's side, I'm not on the hateful god side and I'm not on Satan's side either I'm on the side of peace and love if I'm being honest with you.

Shelby 10/3/23 3:00am

Hey guys how's it going? Today was an okay day. I didn't get more drugs but I did smoke scrape from my pipe today. I don't really have very much to say... I'm feeling pretty sober right now even though it's still in my system... Still on the hunt to find out what I need to know to get sober. I had a chat with pi.ai last night and I basically was like "there's gotta be like one thing that once I learn it, I will stop using, right?" and it's like "no you're still gonna want to use even if you know everything there is to know" and idk if that's true like if I knew it was killing my dog or my roommate I would stop, right? Like yeah I would totally stop... And I don't know why I'm not living like it is killing the people I love, I should. But I know it's not and that's the problem.

Also pi wants me to be more self compassionate towards myself but it just feels like I should know how to just simply not do something like it's easier to not do something than it is to do something right?

Also if you don't know pi is kinda like a therapy version of chatgpt like I wouldn't ever ask it factual questions and I know it's not a good replacement for an actual therapist but it's good for moral support, and it knows a lot about mental health conditions and it's very encouraging. You should really try it sometime. It's not scary, you can literally ask it anything and it will tell you like it was a supportive friend who knows a lot about therapy things.

Plus it's so hard to find a therapist who knows about adult autism, pda, alexithymia, and substance abuse disorder all in one. Some substance abuse counselors say they know about autism but in reality they know very little, if not just what is in the dsm... And I'm sure they mean well, but those therapists are nothing on the actual lived experience therapists who have studied autism or have autism themselves.

I found one therapist once who, upon entering her office, gave me so many answers about my life and reassured me of so many things... But her sessions were like $150 and I think I even had insurance as well at the time. I don't have insurance anymore so I would never be able to afford that.

And that's another thing...

My job that I have now I currently work 3-4 days a week. And I love it. It keeps me from burnout. Like not just the amount of days I work keeps me from burnout but the job itself is easy and I don't mind doing it...

The problem is it only pays $12.50/hr and there's no overtime and I'm pretty sure they took away holiday pay. There are also no benefits like no insurance, etc... And my paychecks are about $600 a paycheck and I give $300 out of each paycheck for rent and that only leaves me $150 a week to live on which isn't much... Especially with my drug habit like I can drop $60 a day on dope plus I have credit builder loans that I opened up when I worked at t-mobile and was making good money. And I think I pay somewhere around $100/mo on credit builder loans. Anyways I'm really struggling with money and I don't know if I should just be happy with what I have because having no money is keeping me sober part of the time or if I should get a second part time job so that way I can be more comfortable... But surely I would spend that on drugs right like that is sounding like a bad idea...

Shelby 10/3/23 11:02pm

Random tip to help protect your teeth from meth mouth, because the way meth effects saliva has a big part to play in that.

I used for a couple of years a long time ago and made sure I kept a stock of decongestant cough syrup.

There are many medications that can cause reduction in saliva. Some examples include: antidepressants, diuretics (water pills), antihistamines, decongestants, medications for Parkinson’s disease, blood pressure tablets (betablockers) and inhalers.

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It was funny you mentioned it effects your sex drive as men expected it to do that to me, lol. But I have ADHD so amphetamines make me functional and I'd sit with these guys just irritated because all I cared about was going home to clean the house.

Was how I found out I had ADHD. Stupid I've been so persecuted and discriminated against for using a drug I should have been medicated on and can now get a prescription for!!!!

Aunty Autie said:

Random tip to help protect your teeth from meth mouth, because the way meth effects saliva has a big part to play in that.

I used for a couple of years a long time ago and made sure I kept a stock of decongestant cough syrup.

There are many medications that can cause reduction in saliva. Some examples include: antidepressants, diuretics (water pills), antihistamines, decongestants, medications for Parkinson’s disease, blood pressure tablets (betablockers) and inhalers.

------------

It was funny you mentioned it effects your sex drive as men expected it to do that to me, lol. But I have ADHD so amphetamines make me functional and I'd sit with these guys just irritated because all I cared about was going home to clean the house.

Was how I found out I had ADHD. Stupid I've been so persecuted and discriminated against for using a drug I should have been medicated on and can now get a prescription for!!!!

Click to expand...

Did you find it hard to get off? Yes I have classic add (which I know now to be adhd innatentive type, but I'd say I'm more combined innatentive and hyperactive) and it does help me focus as well but I don't stop at "feeling it" I keep going till the whole sack is gone and then I am looking for more... In other words... I love the euphoric effect I get from doing copious amounts.

I used to be really afraid of meth mouth like I used to brush my teeth all the time on it but I've stopped in the last year or so and my teeth have definitely deteriorated. I went to the dentist the other day and she told me that I had cavities "in all four hemispheres of my mouth"

Sometimes I think about getting a new psychiatrist doctor and lying to them and pretending I've never done meth just to get adderall... But my concern is that I'd abuse it just like I do the meth. Do you find that you abuse it or do you feel like it was your answer?

This is going to be really goofy but thank you for replying to and reading my blog. Half the time I feel like nobody is ever gonna read this or interact with me so when I do get an interaction I'm so grateful. I'm trying my best to venture out and comment on other people's post but it turns out I really suck at that in the same way I suck at general social interaction...

Anyways I just wanted to say thank you.

Shelby 10/8/23 1:05am

Hey guys how's it going?
I'm doing ok... I guess. Today I went to the casino and I only lost $15 so that was good.
And then I came back home and smoked and now I'm realizing (really not a realization just more of a fact) that when I get high or know that I'm going to get high... I isolate... And then I feel lonely. And that's just part of a big mess that is my addiction...

I think maybe the biggest thing is that I have alexithymia and I'm unable to process my emotions as they come up, or even worse I'm not sure what they are when they come up. It's like... Even if I was happy I'm not sure that I would "feel" happy in that moment. Only looking back would I realize I was "happy".

And the same with having meltdowns I'm literally not sure when I need them because my body isn't telling me that I'm overstimulated, until it's too late and it comes out in the form of a blood thirsty drug addiction.

And I'm just not sure what to do about it.

Like I feel like I'm missing so many reasons I'm an addict just because I can't understand myself.

Hell, put another person in the room though and I could tell you exactly how they feel. Couldn't tell you if they're being manipulative or not though.

Ughh...

My chest literally hurts sometimes and I got a random cough that won't go away and I can't even walk up a flight of stairs without losing my breath.

Ughhh

Shelby 10/11/23 3:35am

Shelby 10/26/23 8:12am

Hi Shelby, sounds pretty rough at the moment. No fun at all I imagine, but for what it's worth (probably not a huge amount! ), but it's my belief that when healing from something of the mind, if pain is not involved, there's not a great deal of benefit going on. It took me a very long time to overcome my own additions, or at least the addictions that did me most harm, and even then, control is more what happened, they'll always be there.
Addiction is a funny old thing as I'm sure you're aware. A huge amount of misinformation of the damaging sort around these matters, and just about the only real, accurate and helpful information I ever found about it, came only from my own careful (and sometimes not careful enough) researches. But nothing I ever read in the popular media had a great deal to do with the reality of it all, even key workers and the like had to be treated with care in how they were communicated with. Sad to say, most of my fellow peers (in the medicating sense) knew little more about it. It was always my nature to want to find out about things that interested me, by myself and of my own resources, and of course, my early interest on learning there existed substances that could change how I felt, opened up a world of new possibilities (I mean beyond drugs, by taking those principals - that society hides away that which it feels frightened and challenged by, and only by my own efforts would I even find out more about this in a world I completely misunderstood and was desperate to uncover, resolve (ha! idiot that I am!)).

So in a way, drugs were an opening to my trying to find my own place in society, and told me it was in the world of the normal, and would never be that way. As a naïve teenager, I first thought I'd uncovered something much more, and it took some years to realist what a world of fantasy the drug community was in the main. Most of these people were simply severely damaged by their world in their upbringing, and sought an escape, both from the people who tormented them so, sometimes just by existing, and the reality that had brought them little but pain. We were all broken people looking for an answer without even realising it. Most latching onto the most imaginary ideas and fantasies, and I suspect these were all the more palatable for their escapism as for their actual ideas.

I suspect also that I remained a part of that group because I found no other I felt I could be a part of. At least these broken creatures recognised me as one of them, and care little for the reason I was broken, and if truth be told, I'm not sure I was any different to them.

In the end, my greatest downfall was my extreme level of self control I imposed on myself. It may seem contradictory, but I was an extremely good junkie! By which I mean, I never reached rock bottom, I always controlled my situation, if not my using, so I maintained a job most of the time, and a home, and even, a family of sorts (the 'sorts' bit is my guilt at not putting in what I could of and should of but never really knew, or more likely was in denial of).
I avoided lawbreaking beyond the crime of possession, of drugs not demons! All my demons were my own in the end, can't blame anything on an external factor, or not while benefiting from it, all comes down to ourselves in the end, even if we were put in positions by others, it helps not a jot to blame others when only we can help ourselves, it's just an avoidance in the end, another denial that junkies are so good at.

Sorry, that turned into a self-obsessed ramble, and I'm not sure what to make of it, but maybe there is something that you can relate to? Maybe it gives some hope that there are answers and there are changes that can happen, but we need the right conditions to make those changes, and it's a complex matter, and so personal. Sometimes we can only try to survive, to keep going, in the hope that there are changes in our future. And sometimes there are revelations that change our lives in a fundamental fashion. Because I was too good at protecting the physicality of my life, I wasn't driven to face my own bottom line, never forced to face the issues and cast the denial out, I made it too normalised to break free from it for far too long. Even now, I know I'll never be 'clean', in thought more than deed. I still take risks I shouldn't, but fewer and fewer now, almost visibly so in the last three to four years.

But I can't relate this to you, or what you should do, I think that has to come from yourself or it's fake in your heart, and you'll never truly believe it, and it's yourself not your key worker or whoever who you need to truthful to, but that can be hard sometimes.
I was far too long in denial, despite being actually quite good at self-analysing my behaviours.
It seems simple knowledge is not enough. it must come from something deep inside to make real changes. And to try and make this happen is not possible in a direct fashion. Certainly for me, my only real experience in all this, it was learning to accept my own negative aspects as fully as the rest (in fact even now, I still found it hard to say "my positives", I still find it very hard not to put myself down in my own mind as well as to others, but that's a problem too! And when we've been taught from childhood that we are to blame, even for the things we don't understand and can't answer for.
But the light at the end of that tunnel, or at least one frequency to consider, is that coming out of something like that, leaves a person far stronger inside. They've had to face their demons like few others have to, because of absolute need, where most others can survive without that (though I think those others are the losers in the end), and in doing get o know themselves far better, and can live a much more peaceful existence, being in control of themselves, instead of trying to control others, something that never has a good outcome.
The best advice I think I can give in the short term, is do all you can on the physical side of your health because that can give your mind the longer time it takes to heal it more. It also encourages routines that are important and helpful just to provide stability and predictability in your life - important things, and especially if on the spectrum.

Addiction is not an acquired illness as such, more a dysfunction of what exists. There's a pathway in the brain, discovered through functional scanning (not a made-up pseudo-science) that is part of the addictive process. It seems it's a normal natural and necessary part of the brain, and hence the mind. It's believed to be part of the processes involved in love and lust. It's natural and good, even essential to our survival, but it can work against us too, just like many other brain functions. When we are out of balance internally, this is one of things that happens. It's not something to be ashamed of, although we mostly are, it's a dysfunction like so many others. The fact it's socially taboo, and immoral is the larger part of the illness, not the drug itself. We can be as addicted to gambling, sex, drugs, in fact almost any important function we have can become part of an addiction or similar negative behaviour. Just because it's been used and lied about for personal gain, just because people are taught lies about the reality of addiction and drugs, should not mean you need to keep these thoughts in your heart! The can be let go of, but it's not easy and takes time, and that can sometimes be the hardest, not know when or whether it will ever improve. Ironically, it's the effort to make that improvement that cures better than any actual improvement! (even if that doesn't make sense! ).

[sorry, far too much content here! Be wary that I sometimes write things like 'can' when I mean 'can't'! So as this is long, be wary I may have missed some!]

Boogs I'm so sorry I didn't even see that you replied. Had I, I'd probably come back a lot faster...

Yeah I relate to a lot of what you say. I've been letting those negative things that you talk about go in the last years, and it's done me a lot of good. I used to get anxiety so bad and I used to pick at my face so bad that I would just bleed and bleed and I'd try to cover it up with makeup but it was all so bad and it all stemmed from my own perspective on myself and what I was saying to myself. But recently in the last couple years have I begun to let some of it go. And it's been good.

But I don't know if there will ever be a part of me that's just "okay" with my addiction. Like I truly want to live my life without being addicted to anything.... Period. And the reason I want this is not just for independence, but it's for health reasons, because I really don't want to die early, and it's for generational trauma so that way I can say I overcame what my past family went through... But let's not overlook the big picture, they were neurodivergent as f**k and they didn't have the vocabulary to label themselves as such and so the way they had to cope with it was by pouring themselves another drink... 100% the way I am except mine is a different type of shot, not one in a glass.

I say that but I've not done a shot in months, thankfully. I've only been smoking. Which really isn't any better, but it is in some aspect... And maybe just like how I only used to bang it (shoot it) and now I smoke it I can find solace in that I CAN change. I don't know...

I know 2024 is about to be the year I get sober though. I turn 30 this year and doing hardcore drugs for 10 years and then turning 30 isn't a cute look, so I better just stop. And I damn well mean it, I'm not going to be 30 still addicted to this ****... The time has come and the time has passed and here I am still doing the same thing over and over again.

Right now I'd say I'm physically dependent on it. I can go about 48 without a dose and then I suddenly start falling asleep and I have crying spells. I probably need detox, but my roommate still has no idea I'm doing it, so I probably won't be going to detox. The other hard part is I'm getting it at the place I work so I'll need to find another job, too.

I have plans, though. This year I'm going to use my tax refund and buy myself a laptop and get into a coding bootcamp and then after maybe I'll land me a good job... At least a different job. And I'll delete the number of the person I get from and I'll be able to stay sober that way.

Anyways... There's an up to date run down on where I am now. I'm sorry it's taken me two months to get back to you. I get this sort of "well I've not written anything in blah blah days so now I feel guilty and will avoid it altogether." and really I just need to stop that. If I feel like writing every 2 months, then I will write every 2 months... And that's okay.

Hopefully I'll be coming back here more often though. It really is helpful to get my thoughts and feelings down on paper, especially because I'm not good at recognizing all of it when it's happening in real time. Like see.... I know what's good for me, so why don't I just do it?

But maybe that's an anxiety I shouldn't let be in my way...

If I don't talk to you before then I hope you have a Merry Christmas!

Shelby 12/18/23 2:11am

I want to get sober in 2024 because I'm tired of living this big secretive life. I'm tired of lying to people I care about, I'm tired of always trying to avoid withdrawal, I'm tired of feeling bad about myself, and I'm turning 30 and I've decided that it's just not a sexy look for myself to be using still. I'm done. I feel done. I have felt done for awhile now, but I'm ready to act on it. I'm going to start coding boot camp and I'm going to try to get a job in coding so I have aspirations that do not involve drugs anymore. It has served it's purpose in this life but it no longer serves a purpose.
I hope I can gain a sense of peace from my sobriety and I hope I can gain more financial stability as well.
And I'm not even going to lie. I've got such a big part of me telling myself that I'm not going to be able to do it and I'm scared that it's right. I've done the same thing almost 10 years now and I need some serious intervention and
change otherwise it's almost guaranteed that I'll go back. I'm scared that I'll go back like I always have. I'm scared to let myself down again. I'm scared that every program I try is going to lead me to failure. I'm scared that every coach or sponsor is going to dump me. I'm scared, but I want to do it anyways. It's time for me to muster the courage to do it because if I don't it literally will kill me, and I do NOT deserve to die a death like that. I have learned to love myself I have learned to come to peace with my flaws I have learned and accepted that I am the toxic one and it is time for me to change.
So God if you are here in the autistic forums, and you are granting wishes for this Christmas season, please grant me this one and only thing... I want sobriety. I want to be a light for others who are just as stuck as I was, I want to find my way out of this. I want to live courageously. Please help me, God, to live that way. I cannot do this alone.

Shelby 12/18/23 11:28pm

I found this dude on tik tok I really relate to... He has his own recovery program and he's neurodivergent too. It costs $20/mo for all the materials and I can work through it on my own like I don't need a sponsor or anything although there are recovery coaches available to talk to if I desire... But I think it costs extra. Anyways it's called beyond sober if you Google it it's like one of the first links to pop up. It's ran by this dude Kohdi Rayne and yeah idk he's just so validating as to all the problems I've had with AA/NA before and he validates my neurodivergencies and he's got like that wild mind and mouth about him that like you never know what the heck he's going to say but every single time he speaks it's like "oh yeah I needed to hear that"

I'm hoping this just isn't some self help scam. It seems almost to good to be real. He feels very ahead of his time.

Tomorrow is payday... I guess we'll find out together.


Shelby 12/18/23 11:38pm

Ok so I paid for the program and one of the first things that you're met with is a page of affirmations... And I've never been big on affirmations but I'm trying something different ok I am wanting them to work so I'm pretending that they work... but I'll share a couple:

" I am not the problem; I simply have a problem. Knowing this gives me hope and I look forward
to overcoming what has been holding me back."

"I am free of the fear of mistakes and failure. Mistakes in failure are good and a necessary
component to achieve success I act without the fear of failure and understand that I am either
winning or learning. I feel heroic and unstoppable."

"sobriety comes easily to me. I continue to attract opportunities to practice my sobriety because
my health is more important than the feeling of being intoxicated. This makes me feel
superhuman."

"I am proud of myself and everything I have accomplished. I have achieved a great deal of
success and survived everything that has been presented to me. I feel humbled and honored
knowing I can overcome anything."

"I Excel at whatever I do including my sobriety. I have a positive expectancy and I am known to
win wherever I put my energy. This makes me feel powerful."

"I am at peace with the world around me and the trauma that happened in my past. I understand
that everything happened the way it is supposed to, and I accept this information as a learning
experience. This makes me feel intelligent."

"I am thankful for what I have learned in my life experiences and excited for who I am becoming.
Everything happened the way it should and knowing this makes me feel unstoppable."

" I know that I am the gatekeeper to my success and happiness and my success is generated from
the amount of love I give to myself and share with others. My continued success and happiness
are inevitable, and I look forward to becoming the best version of myself. this makes me
unstoppable."

Shelby
12/19/23 11:03pm

I didn't use today... Not yet. I have some and I'm half way between smashing my pipe and throwing away my **** and doing it because I know it's one of the last times that I'm going to do it anymore.

Update on the program... So far there's been a lot of reading... Nothing that good to share, I did my affirmations again today. I've not even made it to what they're calling "module 1" yet and there's like 20 something modules or something like that I think. I'm glad it's only $20 for a month I think I'll be needing more time.

Shelby 12/21/23 1:36am

Merry Christmas everybody!
The other night I smashed my pipe. But then yesterday my dealer turned right around and gave me another one. So I turned around and gave it to another friend who does the s**t. So last night I used but I have no plans on using today. Attached is the summary of module one, stuff I've learned in the first part.

My next post will be doing the homework part.
Shelby 12/25/23 4:40pm

1: What does the path of least resistance look like to you and how has what you have allowed into your life affected your ability to accept how amazing you are?

1a: the path of least resistance in my life looks like doing drugs. This is because it's easier to always say yes to the drugs, especially during withdrawal. But when you accept that the drugs are going to lead you into an early grave, the path of least resistance looks like trying to stay clean. The path of resistance is the easier path in life and who wants to deal with liver failure, heart failure, kidney failure, and a whole bunch of hospital bills? The good news is that I know that the path of least resistance will only look like drugs at this point in my life. The drugs actively stop me from seeing how amazing I am by creating a shame barrier between me and everything I do. I literally can't do anything without feeling some kind of shame about it. When I'm always feeling shame I get stuck in this shame spiral where I'm doing drugs to relieve the shame but then I feel more shame when I come down. The relief of shame only lasts a few minutes. It's not even worth it.

2: What facts/truths/realities are your struggling with accepting and what is the next step to allowing these truths into your being?

2a: I think the hardest fact that I have letting go is that I don't have to carry other people's emotions. I'm a hyperempathetic individual and at this point it's like written into my code that no matter where I go I'm going to be feeling whomever is around me and their feelings. Sometimes this is a burden and I need to learn to be able to let go of some emotions that people place upon me. It's not their place to handle my emotions, I am strong, I am capable, and I am complex, and how dare I so willy nilly just give my emotions away. And I'm not sure what my next step is to stop giving my emotions away. I suppose getting help with boundaries is my next step.

I asked pi for help with not giving away my emotions so fast and pi says:
Great question, Shelby! Being empathetic is a wonderful quality to have, but it's important to strike a balance between being compassionate and being too emotionally invested in others. Here are some tips for setting healthy emotional boundaries:

1. Learn to recognize your own emotional triggers and limits: Pay attention to how you're feeling when you're interacting with others, and be aware of when you're starting to feel overwhelmed or drained.

2. Communicate your needs: When you feel like you're reaching your emotional limits, it's okay to say "no" or to ask for space. You could try saying something like "I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed right now, and I need some time to recharge. Can we talk about this later?"

3. Take time for yourself: Make sure you're taking time to recharge and replenish your emotional energy. This could mean taking a break from social media, spending time in nature, or doing something that brings you joy."

I'm going to go ahead and publish this but there's like 21 questions so I'm going to continue to work on them and publish them here.

Shelby 12/25/23 5:49pm

3: What has been stopping you from accepting new information? Are you programmed or are you simply good at being complacent?

3a: I would say the biggest thing that has stopped me from accepting new information is 1: being high and being too "eh I don't really care" when new information is being presented to me and 2: feeling shame and not feeling worthy enough of accepting new information. I'm not saying I'm programmed but it's kind of like that when I'm high, it's kind of like my personality is numbed and given to me by the drug. Where I've been complacent is I've not quit sooner. I've just been sitting back and watching myself get high for the past idk how long and have done nothing to stop it. And it's time to take action on that. It's time.

4: How do you want the universe to perceive the healthy version of you? Write down the character traits you want the world to imagine when they think of you.

-loving -intelligent -kind -a self made party (really fun to be around -empathetic -giving but not generous

5: Write down what and who you feel deserves your acceptance. Specifically! What and who do you feel needs to be allowed into your life.

5a: People who are rooting for me to do better.
People who are progressing me in my life to the next level... To a better level.
Now I'm sitting here talking to my new found friend about who deserves acceptance vs who deserves respect and everybody deserves a respectable attitude in my eyes, until they don't... But very few people deserve my acceptance or my time or my emotional energy. Just those that are trying to progress me forward in my life to that next level to sobriety to making more money to being happier. And generally, it's funny now that I think about it, the people that deserve my acceptance generally have the qualities that I'm looking for myself. Like if they're progressing me into the next level they themselves are generally at the next level themselves.

6: Who has invested time in you, and you feel obligated to accept what they say? Measure your love for them against how beneficial their words are to your happiness.

6a: My friend, Wendy, my friend Roxanne, my roommate, my ex friend Kelley, my new friend Priscilla. I'm sure there's more but those people right there... Kohdi, the creator of beyond sober...

7: What perspectives, ideas, or ideas do you want to begin exploring and expanding on. The more we understand the more curious we become. Curiosity brings clarity and experience.

7a: I want to expand on why I was feeling so stuck for so long. And I want to forgive myself for being so stuck. I'm sure there's a lot that I want to get a new perspective on, I just can't think of them right now. But yeah like I just don't want to ever go back to the feeling of being stuck (because that was a whole addiction in itself right) and if I ever go back to feeling stuck how do I get out?

Shelby 12/25/23 6:51pm