Advice needed

[Lilygh]

I really need help and advice, because I have no idea what to think. I’ll start with saying that I’m not autistic. I never knew ( or didn’t know about it) anyone autistic before, and I have no one to ask.
Over one year ago I’ve met a guy on a dating app ( I had the app for a moment, opened it for totally other reasons than finding love) and we started regularly talking. He was from another country but location he had on my country. We started talking on instagram. At the beginning just getting to know each other, later he started flirting a bit. I started to enjoy our conversations and obviously liked him too. But I got the impression that he’s a “player”. He could talk to me for days and then disappeared for a week or two for no reason. I thought ok he’s not being serious. Since I’m very straightforward and don’t like beating around the bush I told him what I think about his behavior. But he was constantly assuring me that this is not how I think, that if he’s busy with something he always disappear… I didn’t get it then. He postponed our meeting 3 times. I started feeling resigned.
Also the fact he was still using this dating app was pushing me away. He was jealous about me having male friends who like my pictures on instagram, while he was still having profile on a dating app, claiming he’s not using it. We had a fight about it few times, I told him few how much it bothers me because I don’t feel like he’s treating me seriously and that I can’t trust him because of that. That if he wants to fool around it’s fine, just don’t mess with my head, because I’m not looking for fun. Each time he told me he deleted the account. Until I almost call it quits few months ago because I was exhausted with his hot and cold behavior. Then he told me about his Asperger.
When I found out I think I’ve read every single thing I could find on internet. Watched you tube videos, all forums. Trying to understand him and to know what he’s going through. I tried to learn how to talk to him, how to communicate things to him. He admitted that he’s afraid to see me, because in his eyes I’m perfect, and he’s scared to disappoint me and loose me. We finally met a month ago. He didn’t disappoint me, it was amazing. I totally accept him the way he is. He told me he loves me, and was so afraid to say it because it’s not easy for him. I fell in love too. But again, a week ago I found out he has this dating app and he’s actively using it. First he lied even though I showed him the proof. I just don’t understand it anymore. I’ve read so many times Aspies don’t lie, that they are faithful…
I don’t know anymore how to excuse him. He knew how much it bothered me and hurt my feelings. We had fights about this few times, every time it almost ended our relationship. Did he just manipulated me all the time? Told me what I wanted to hear ?
I told him I completely don’t understand his behavior, that it hurts even more after we’ve met, after we spend almost a week together. The worst is that I can’t talk to him about it, because he just shuts down. He just said he understands he’s gonna loose me now, that he’s sorry, that he was just bored and wanted to chat. But damn, he knew that this is unacceptable for me. Now of course we stopped talking, like he doesn’t care, like I never existed.
He opened up so much in front of me, talked to me about his childhood, diagnosis, we basically talked everyday for over a year now. Does he realize he did something wrong ? I tried to explain this to him so many times he was cheated before, he didn’t trust me at all at the beginning, yet he does something like that. Knowing the history of my past relationship.
Can someone please tell me, from your own perspective, what do you think ?
I’ll be grateful for every single answer.
And sorry if not all is correct. English is not my first language.

 

[Tom]

Treat it just like it was anyone else. It was.

 

[Mr. Stevens]

Hard to say without really knowing him. But did he say you were perfect before you actually met?

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

While there are times I am AWOL, living inside my head and not paying proper attention to others, I see his actions as being disengenuous. I could see some of his behavior if he lacked experience when he was younger and thinks he can play the field with little regard towards the feelings of others in order to "make up" for opportunities he lacked. I have felt such urges but never acted upon them because that type of thinking was a major trigger, reminding me of when I was socially isolated and desperately lonely. When meeting my future spouse I was stunned when she accepted me and have been devoted to her. There have been rough spots in our 45 years together, and trust helped us overcome issues. I enjoy reminding her that she is very desirable.

Treat him as you would a NT who treated you shabbily. Not all autistic men act as he does and even autistic people can harbor personality deficits.

 

[AspieChris]

I too an a man on the spectrum, married 22 years.

You said a heck of a lot.

Young men on the spectrum are constantly being told that they should “stay in the game”. I was absolutely attacked by my ‘friends’ for wanting a steady relationship in my teens and twenties. I made a few mistakes because I was trying to be like all of the guys who were lying about their promiscuity (I didn’t know they were lying), and it cost me a couple of relationships.

But there is one constant that I read between the lines in your post: dishonesty. Aspies usually don’t lie….. unless they were raised in an environment where it became absolutely necessary to survive. I’m the best liar you could imagine because I NEEDED to learn to do it well. I choose not to lie to my wife, and have never lied to her since our first date, because I learned that trust is something that needs to be established early in a relationship and must be maintained daily.

He may not understand that his lack of honesty is bad behavior and needs to change or he will lose you. However it’s still really bad behavior. If it doesn’t change he will lie to you forever, whenever he is scared or confused. “It wasn’t me”, “I didn’t do it”, “That’s not mine”. These are quick responses to stop him from getting beaten up.

If you want to keep him in your life (and it sounds like you do). I recommend first that you have a voice conversation (not through messages) and talk of nothing but his dishonesty and why he does it. Do this multiple times, over several days or weeks. Don’t give him the opportunity to lie his way out of the conversation about him lying. If you can get him to talk about the reasons for it, again and again, without making him scared because you’re angry, you might be able to make him understand that he doesn’t need to protect himself when he is with you.

After that trust is established, you can ask him to commit to your relationship. No more profiles. No more dates with ANYONE else. No more secret conversations with any other woman, not even online. Etc.

If you’re willing to do this part, and he’s still dishonest in a few weeks, then you need to protect yourself and just stop all communication with him. If he refuses to change now, then what will marriage look like for you? Imagine having a child with someone you can’t trust. I don’t think anyone should waste time on someone who refuses to commit their honesty.

 

[Lilygh]

Hard to say without really knowing him. But did he say you were perfect before you actually met?

Before and after. I think he made in his head a picture of me as someone “perfect”, which I’ve noticed when he was mentioning many times “what a girl like me sees in him”

 

[AspieChris]

We tend to be incredibly insecure

 

[Mr. Stevens]

Before and after. I think he made in his head a picture of me as someone “perfect”, which I’ve noticed when he was mentioning many times “what a girl like me sees in him”

That sounds very conflicting. And the experience overall sounds pretty terrible. I'd would say he's probably not the most mature person, based on what you wrote.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

We tend to be incredibly insecure

But we can grow out of that. Once I learned to advocate for myself and develop solid boundaries, advised by my internal compass, I felt quite secure. Sometimes it takes the school of hard knocks. But insecurity sometimes creeps in.

 

[AspieChris]

The question Is:

Are you invested? This could be a very long ride.

 

[Bolletje]

Regardless of whether or not he’s on the spectrum, he did not treat you well and violated your boundaries. I would move on.

 

[Hypnalis]

@Lilygh

It's difficult (for me, impossible) to figure out what's actually happened from that post.
It's "feelings-centric", which is not a useful basis for analyzing a (probably) failed relationship.

So some preliminary "points to ponder" for you:
1. It's not impossible that you're being played (i.e. that he's been lying to you all the time).
2. It's not impossible that you're doing the playing,
There's a possible scenario that he's an inexperienced Aspie, you're not letting go when you obviously should, and he doesn't know how to disconnect ("too weak to break up, too 'nice' to ghost you")

Rationally, you need to make a few tests to see if there's still a possibility for an LTR, and if there isn't, cut your losses.
Note that the process will be a bit uncomfortable for you if (2) is even 50% true.

We can try to discuss what you might do if you like.

 

[Lilygh]

@Lilygh

It's difficult (for me, impossible) to figure out what's actually happened from that post.
It's "feelings-centric", which is not a useful basis for analyzing a (probably) failed relationship.

So some preliminary "points to ponder" for you:
1. It's not impossible that you're being played (i.e. that he's been lying to you all the time).
2. It's not impossible that you're doing the playing,
There's a possible scenario that he's an inexperienced Aspie, you're not letting go when you obviously should, and he doesn't know how to disconnect ("too weak to break up, too 'nice' to ghost you")

Rationally, you need to make a few tests to see if there's still a possibility for an LTR, and if there isn't, cut your losses.
Note that the process will be a bit uncomfortable for you if (2) is even 50% true.

We can try to discuss what you might do if you like.

I don’t know about him being inexperienced… he was in a 4 years long relationship and he even lived with a woman. I also know he was dating with few women and it didn’t end up well, because they couldn’t except his “weirdness”… that’s what he told me.

I care deeply about people but for sure I’m not this kind of person who’s “too much” by texting, calling, trying etc. everything was good, he was behaving like he really cared, until I found that he still has dating profile. He texted or called me everyday, he was sending pictures of what he’s doing. Still telling me compliments and even started talking about meeting his family.
I mainly opened this thread because I am so inexperienced when it comes to Autism, and I always question myself if I do right, if I did something wrong, if I’m not being understanding enough. Can’t sleep at night because of it.

I’m not trying to fix things now. I think it should be up to him. I care about him and I fell in love with him but I respect myself. From the comments above I assume he knows that what he did is wrong. If he will try to contact me (because for now he’s been quiet) and try to talk to me, I’ll be open to make things right and try again. I can’t just remove people from my life with a snap. But I’m not gonna be the one who pushes things forward. I told him how I feel and I think ball is on his side, right ?
If he would really care about me, and really love me like he said, he should try to fix it, right? Or it doesn’t work like that ?

What tests you mean? Any advice is appreciated

 

[Lilygh]

The question Is:

Are you invested? This could be a very long ride.

I am invested. I am always 100% or 0.
I invested emotionally a lot.

 

[Hypnalis]

Exactly what you'd do depends on the circumstances, and you would have to start with yourself.

But let's imagine you're not sure he's been honest about anything, and you want to make a decision that could lead to a clean break,
One approach is to start (stage 1) asking directly for commitment , with (stage 2) requiring a tangible real-world action, like him moving to your country (not you moving to him).

"Start with yourself" is essential, because you have to actually do this: it's literally setting up for "a moment of clarity". If you start out feeling brave, but don't execute phase 2 correctly, it's better not to start with this approach.

Players work with weakness. They can see it, and they know how to use it.

 

[Lilygh]

That sounds very conflicting. And the experience overall sounds pretty terrible. I'd would say he's probably not the most mature person, based on what you wrote.

That sounds very conflicting. And the experience overall sounds pretty terrible. I'd would say he's probably not the most mature person, based on what you wrote.

yes. I completely don’t understand anything. I felt like his feeling were real. When we met he drove 9 hours by car just to be able to come and take me from the airport(I was coming late night), instead of coming by plane (which was covered by his company because he was going on a work trip to the place we met )

Yes. I completely don’t understand anything. I felt like his feelings were real. When we finally met, he drove 9 hours by car from his hometown just to be able to come and take me from the airport (I was coming late night), instead of coming by plane (which was all covered by his company, because he was going on a work trip to the place we met). Which is the most hurtful in this situation is the fact that he knew from the beginning how “fragile” I am and how hard it is for me to open in front of a man after my traumatic experience in my previous relationship.

 

[Lilygh]

Exactly what you'd do depends on the circumstances, and you would have to start with yourself.

But let's imagine you're not sure he's been honest about anything, and you want to make a decision that could lead to a clean break,
One approach is to start (stage 1) asking directly for commitment , with (stage 2) requiring a tangible real-world action, like him moving to your country (not you moving to him).

"Start with yourself" is essential, because you have to actually do this: it's literally setting up for "a moment of clarity". If you start out feeling brave, but don't execute phase 2 correctly, it's better not to start with this approach.

Players work with weakness. They can see it, and they know how to use it.

This is going be the first thing I’ll talk to him about. About committing. You’re right.

We even had this conversation. I mean about moving. He started to think about opening a company in my country. Clearly was reading a lot about it and asking me many questions. That’s why I thought he’s being serious. Another thing which doesn’t match with scenario of him “not knowing how to tell me he doesn’t want me or ghost me” is that after I found him on this app, he recorded his screen how he’s deleting the account on that dating app. Why would he do that if this would be convenient opportunity to “get rid of me?”
I have another question… if autistic person knows he did something wrong, knows that he hurt someone and that this person loves and cares for him, are they willing to “fight” for this person? Or they just walk away like that…
I really wanna make this work, but in fact, I don’t want to show my weakness by being the one who wants to fix it, after he’s the one who did all the damage.

 

[Hypnalis]

@Lilygh

"Starting with yourself" doesn't mean defending the past.
It means looking at your own motives, and for mistakes in your own past actions.
You need to know if you're partly or entirely in a situation you've formed yourself.

There are others here who'll tell you how "typical" Aspies (arguably not actually a thing) act and react, but I won't, at least not yet.

But there are a couple of things that seem to be true for most Aspies, and are commonly discussed here (though this is my version - others will use different words):
* Aspies naturally "turn away" from difficulty rather than engage head-on. This doesn't mean we're spineless, but we tend to start with a conflict avoidant approach
* Aspies will turn away from emotional intensity (i.e. quantity, not quality). Note that this isn't unknown in NT's (e.g. it's often present in introverts), but our version isn't easy for NT's to recognize or to process
* Aspies are generally not inclined to play social dominance games.
That links to part of your last paragraph. I'll let you find how it links, because it's connected to "start with yourself".

 

[AspieChris]

I have another question… if autistic person knows he did something wrong, knows that he hurt someone and that this person loves and cares for him, are they willing to “fight” for this person? Or they just walk away like that…

We do both. It’s literally “fight or flight”. We fight when we can, and shut down when we can’t. And there’s little space in between. Try not to read between the lines.

When someone is angry, I shut off. It doesn’t matter if it’s the cashier at the grocery store or my wife. It doesn’t matter if I did something very bad or if I’m not even involved. And if I can go hide, I will. And I have had long, painful meltdowns because I did something really bad. Nobody likes to see a meltdown. Nobody likes having a meltdown. And none of us enjoy being seen having a meltdown.

It’s very possible that he is just going back and forth from thinking this is beautiful to thinking that it’s just too hard.

 

[AspieChris]

Yes. I completely don’t understand anything. I felt like his feelings were real. When we finally met, he drove 9 hours by car from his hometown just to be able to come and take me from the airport (I was coming late night), instead of coming by plane (which was all covered by his company, because he was going on a work trip to the place we met). Which is the most hurtful in this situation is the fact that he knew from the beginning how “fragile” I am and how hard it is for me to open in front of a man after my traumatic experience in my previous relationship.

I would have chosen the car. We make horrible mistakes. I don’t like people, noise, confusion, etc. A car is something I can already understand. Airports are ridiculously difficult for me.

In my mind, women love conversation. What better place to talk peacefully than a car?