Advice needed

[Lilygh]

Yes

I really feel for you in this thread. And I'm sorry that this man is your first experience with autism. Autism does explain why he shuts down when stressed but has nothing to do with him being a faithless dickhead.

And most high function autistic people are very good at manipulation, it's part of the masking that we learn in order to be able to survive in a complex society. Most of us share all the same traits as a sociopath, the only difference being that we do love and care. Well, most of us do anyway.

I'm currently in a long distance relationship myself, both of us high function autistics. One that started off as the most magical experience of my entire life but is now becoming difficult. I'm not sure how that's going to turn out, Maybe it's over or maybe it's just part of the process of the relationship becoming more mature.

But neither of us is doing anything that would cause jealousy and neither of us is deliberately being hurtful to the ot

I really feel for you in this thread. And I'm sorry that this man is your first experience with autism. Autism does explain why he shuts down when stressed but has nothing to do with him being a faithless dickhead.

And most high function autistic people are very good at manipulation, it's part of the masking that we learn in order to be able to survive in a complex society. Most of us share all the same traits as a sociopath, the only difference being that we do love and care. Well, most of us do anyway.

I'm currently in a long distance relationship myself, both of us high function autistics. One that started off as the most magical experience of my entire life but is now becoming difficult. I'm not sure how that's going to turn out, Maybe it's over or maybe it's just part of the process of the relationship becoming more mature.

But neither of us is doing anything that would cause jealousy and neither of us is deliberately being hurtful to the other.

Thank you so much. Yes, at the beginning I was putting his behavior on autism. I was excusing him constantly. But if you’re telling someone 10 times that something hurts you, and he keeps doing it, it’s just being an asshole. I don’t know what issues he has, if that’s an addiction or what.

Before I wouldn’t be so hurt, but I must admit that his “I love you” manipulated me extremely. I feel like an idiot. I was hoping I’ve met loyal and honest person( like I’ve read about autistic people) but my luck about people is just terrible. after reading posts here, I am so sorry that I didn’t meet a guy who’s like one of the people here on this forum.

And yes long distance is hard, but not impossible… I hope your relationship will get stronger and you’ll solve all your problems!

 

[Rodafina]

I feel like an idiot.

Love has a way of doing that to us. Being in love really can affect judgment and make us overlook certain things that without those raging chemicals in our brain, we would not accept.

Don’t be too hard on yourself. You were just on the love drug. You’re not an idiot.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

If he would really care about me, and really love me like he said, he should try to fix it, right? Or it doesn’t work like that ?

Do not think that way. Once the current stress is resolved he will go back to old patterns. People who are outer directed just act that way. Look for somebody who is inner directed and does not need external validation.

When somebody shows you who they are, believe them.

 

[Mr. Stevens]

It is very hard when people's actions don't live up to their words. I've been there...many times. Many people have a hard time liking themselves, and cannot love properly. And sometimes people just like an idea of us, or our convenience, or just love falling in love. But, actually making a life together is a turnoff for them. So they chase and chase and chase.

There are better men and better Autistic people.

 

[paloftoon]

Oh no, we’ve met already. We spent few days together. 4 weeks ago. Yes of course it’s okay to not want relationship etc. but it’s not okay saying someone you love them and you want to be with them, but behind their back doing something opposite. He was saying one thing and doing the other. I clearly told him multiple times that I want serious relationship and he said he wants the same. He was even the one who was convincing me that he can move. So it wasn’t just innocence flirting.

Oh I see, wowzers.
In the US, there tends to be more openness about how long people can fool around before concentrating on just one person. How long that should be is a bit unclear. I think other developed countries have been headed more in that direction, but I sense that most people's more traditional values set in where people should focus on one dating and/or having fun with only one person when they start saying they love the other person and want a serious relationship.

Since you've met in-person, you have gotten in some serious physicality?
Is he afraid you won't have sex with him?
It sounds like he is not a good fit for you at this point, but you could ask him these kind of questions at this point because they are quite relevant except for financial unless it comes up more naturally. It's okay to ask hard questions at this point because they do matter.

The distance could be too big a factor for him since you are not available to be with him as often. But, he shouldn't be treating you like this. He needs to figure out how to express these things beforehand. I wish you the best. There are other people out there better than this guy for you.

 

[Lilygh]

Oh I see, wowzers.
In the US, there tends to be more openness about how long people can fool around before concentrating on just one person. How long that should be is a bit unclear. I think other developed countries have been headed more in that direction, but I sense that most people's more traditional values set in where people should focus on one dating and/or having fun with only one person when they start saying they love the other person and want a serious relationship.

Since you've met in-person, you have gotten in some serious physicality?
Is he afraid you won't have sex with him?
It sounds like he is not a good fit for you at this point, but you could ask him these kind of questions at this point because they are quite relevant except for financial unless it comes up more naturally. It's okay to ask hard questions at this point because they do matter.

The distance could be too big a factor for him since you are not available to be with him as often. But, he shouldn't be treating you like this. He needs to figure out how to express these things beforehand. I wish you the best. There are other people out there better than this guy for you.

yes of course, we had sex multiple times… actually physical attraction was incredible. I was also surprised how he was very touchable, he was holding my hand, touching, hugging me all the time. He was even falling asleep cuddling me.
We were basically acting like a couple.

Yes I know things look like this in US, also here in Europe it became more popular. But for over a year he knew me already to know, that this is not something he can do with me, because I need to feel emotional connection with someone before I have sex for example. He knows I’m 30, I would like to have a family and kids, he said he wants the same. And of course we established “not dating” other people even before we’ve met.
I still was very restrained towards him, because like I said above, I was sooooo hurt in my previous relationship. But his “I love you” changed everything. I believed him and I trusted him.
We don’t talk for two weeks and I’m so sad…
I’m so sad that he didn’t even try to talk to me or to try fix things between us, just like I didn’t matter to him. Like it all meant nothing to him.
I’m also angry that I opened up myself in front of him, I told him about my private traumatic experiences… and he was constantly manipulating me knowing how “vulnerable” I am emotionally. He’s the first man who touched me after my ex boyfriend. I can’t describe how disappointed and heart broken I am.

And about the distance… this was my main and first issue. He was also constantly telling me how for him doesn’t matter where he would live… and the fact is that he changes the place he lives very often.

 

[paloftoon]

yes of course, we had sex multiple times… actually physical attraction was incredible. I was also surprised how he was very touchable, he was holding my hand, touching, hugging me all the time. He was even falling asleep cuddling me.
We were basically acting like a couple.

Yes I know things look like this in US, also here in Europe it became more popular. But for over a year he knew me already to know, that this is not something he can do with me, because I need to feel emotional connection with someone before I have sex for example. He knows I’m 30, I would like to have a family and kids, he said he wants the same. And of course we established “not dating” other people even before we’ve met.
I still was very restrained towards him, because like I said above, I was sooooo hurt in my previous relationship. But his “I love you” changed everything. I believed him and I trusted him.
We don’t talk for two weeks and I’m so sad…
I’m so sad that he didn’t even try to talk to me or to try fix things between us, just like I didn’t matter to him. Like it all meant nothing to him.
I’m also angry that I opened up myself in front of him, I told him about my private traumatic experiences… and he was constantly manipulating me knowing how “vulnerable” I am emotionally. He’s the first man who touched me after my ex boyfriend. I can’t describe how disappointed and heart broken I am.

And about the distance… this was my main and first issue. He was also constantly telling me how for him doesn’t matter where he would live… and the fact is that he changes the place he lives very often.

I'm so sorry he betrayed your trust. Consider that your next partner should be local to you or reasonably are and do regularly drive to you or you don't do anything physical until someone actually moves to your area.

 

[AspieChris]

And about the distance… this was my main and first issue. He was also constantly telling me how for him doesn’t matter where he would live… and the fact is that he changes the place he lives very often.

This doesn’t sound like a person with Asperger’s. We tend to need structure, and changing addresses regularly is exhausting. Too much of what you described sounds like either a bad liar, a very immature man, or someone who doesn’t actually have Asperger’s. You made yourself clear from the beginning and he violated your trust constantly. I’d say you’re lucky to be done with him.

So, if you knew all of these things before you fell in love…. would you still give him a chance? Because if your answer is “no”, then you really shouldn’t give him any more chances.

 

[Lilygh]

This doesn’t sound like a person with Asperger’s. We tend to need structure, and changing addresses regularly is exhausting. Too much of what you described sounds like either a bad liar, a very immature man, or someone who doesn’t actually have Asperger’s. You made yourself clear from the beginning and he violated your trust constantly. I’d say you’re lucky to be done with him.

So, if you knew all of these things before you fell in love…. would you still give him a chance? Because if your answer is “no”, then you really shouldn’t give him any more chances.

This doesn’t sound like a person with Asperger’s. We tend to need structure, and changing addresses regularly is exhausting. Too much of what you described sounds like either a bad liar, a very immature man, or someone who doesn’t actually have Asperger’s. You made yourself clear from the beginning and he violated your trust constantly. I’d say you’re lucky to be done with him.

So, if you knew all of these things before you fell in love…. would you still give him a chance? Because if your answer is “no”, then you really shouldn’t give him any more chances.

Yes that’s really weird about him. Since I know him which is a bit more than a year, he changed his house like 4 times. Now (which is also weird) he lives with a couple. He rents a room from them. No privacy or “alone” time for someone with Asperger’s must be difficult, right?
I don’t even want to think that he lied to me about his autism…. That would be really SICK.

Unfortunately for me break ups always come with overthinking, over analyzing… I really need time to process things. Because I really invest emotionally. So now I’m torn between “good that it ended now” and “I miss him so much”. It takes a lot of time for me to connect my heart with brain and to realize that I shouldn’t miss anyone because he’s not he person I thought he is.

 

[Lilygh]

It is very hard when people's actions don't live up to their words. I've been there...many times. Many people have a hard time liking themselves, and cannot love properly. And sometimes people just like an idea of us, or our convenience, or just love falling in love. But, actually making a life together is a turnoff for them. So they chase and chase and chase.

There are better men and better Autistic people.

Yes… but I was naive. Not having any experience with autism before, I was putting everything on it.
I thought if he says he loves me it must be true, why would he lie… and actions not matching the words ? Probably Asperger’s. I was even feeling guilty for being too demanding or not understanding enough. Now I see how wrong I was.

Funny thing is… he was telling me how people “leave” him, how much he values friendships and love relationships because it’s so hard for him to build one. But here he had me, the person he could tell everything without any judgment, someone who would be loyal and willing to work on this no matter what… but still he chose so completely random
Multiple women on dating apps… I can not understand that.

 

[chameleonov]

Could be that he is lying about his Asperger's as well. Does he have a formal diagnosis and papers to prove it? He could be using the lie as an excuse to get away from responsibility. But that's just my assumption. People lie all the about loads of different things so they wont get in trouble.

 

[Lilygh]

Could be that he is lying about his Asperger's as well. Does he have a formal diagnosis and papers to prove it? He could be using the lie as an excuse to get away from responsibility. But that's just my assumption. People lie all the about loads of different things so they wont get in trouble.

I never asked him about papers, he told me that he was diagnosed when he was 8.
But he told me about Asperger’s 5 months ago, not recently to excuse his behavior with dating app.
Yes maybe this was also a lie.

 

[Forest Cat]

I think the bottom line is that if he is seeing women on dating apps while he is in some kind of relationship with you, he's just not a nice guy. No matter what diagnosis or whatever he has or doesn't have.

When you say he changes the place he lives very often, do you know why? Is he kicked out and has to move or is it a choice?

 

[Lilygh]

I think the bottom line is that if he is seeing women on dating apps while he is in some kind of relationship with you, he's just not a nice guy. No matter what diagnosis or whatever he has or doesn't have.

When you say he changes the place he lives very often, do you know why? Is he kicked out and has to move or is it a choice?

Yes, it’s definitely not nice and for sure not acceptable for me…

I have no idea. Only this last time, he told me that woman told him to move out, because her daughter is coming back to the country. He suppose to stay there for a year, but after two months she told him that.

Another thing which made me a bit confused was the fact that he’s really outgoing. He sees his group of “friends” ( I put it in “”, because he claimed they are not very close to him) 2-3 times a week and they do parties etc. while he also has very “consuming” job as an engineer meeting with clients. So a lot of social encounters

 

[AspieChris]

Everything you have said about him tells me that you know everything you need to know about him. You’ll question his motives for the rest of your life, and never get any answers.

8 years old and a diagnosis of Asperger’s? At that age, people on the spectrum don’t normally get diagnosed unless they are very very autistic. Symptoms of Asperger’s don’t generally become noticeable until puberty unless they are severe. What 8 year old boy has social anxiety that is so severe as to make his parents seek medical advice?

Something stinks with his story.

 

[Hypnalis]

8 years old and a diagnosis of Asperger’s? At that age, people on the spectrum don’t normally get diagnosed unless they are very very autistic.

Something stinks with his story.

Agree.

@Lilygh

This guy doesn't seem anything like us because he isn't one of us.

At this point it doesn't matter if he's an ASD/Dark-Triad combination (very unusual) or just on the Dark Triad.
Assume that everything he does or communicates is intentionally manipulative, and that he doesn't distinguish between truth and lies.

 

[Lilygh]

Agree.

@Lilygh

This guy doesn't seem anything like us because he isn't one of us.

At this point it doesn't matter if he's an ASD/Dark-Triad combination (very unusual) or just on the Dark Triad.
Assume that everything he does or communicates is intentionally manipulative, and that he doesn't distinguish between truth and lies.

… but as a Dark triad he would be so caring towards me? ( I mean when we were physically together) , he would have a dog he takes care of ? I know it might be a stupid question, but I really don’t know…

 

[Hypnalis]

@Lilygh

I don't think you've decided yet where you want to go with this discussion.

Neither AspieChris nor I think your guy is an Aspie. That means I think he's been lying to you from the start.

But how can I know? All the data comes from you, and it's very unclear.
It doesn't help that you are looking gain insight from "other Aspies", while I don't see "Aspie-typical" behavior in the information you've provided.

Are you sure you want to discuss your situation with an Aspie based on the assumption that your guy is a sub-clinical psycho rather than an Aspie?

 

[paloftoon]

@Lilygh

I don't think you've decided yet where you want to go with this discussion.

Neither AspieChris nor I think your guy is an Aspie. That means I think he's been lying to you from the start.

But how can I know? All the data comes from you, and it's very unclear.
It doesn't help that you are looking gain insight from "other Aspies", while I don't see "Aspie-typical" behavior in the information you've provided.

Are you sure you want to discuss your situation with an Aspie based on the assumption that your guy is a sub-clinical psycho rather than an Aspie?

Another possibility is that the aspie guy really truly is considered aspie, but could've been misdiagnosed by a professional. Not as likely, but always possible. Or other (un?)diagnosed features could be intruding on his aspie qualities, or he really is aspie, but this facet of his personality has nothing to do with the aspie part of his personality for other things. Much less likely, but possible I think.

There is nothing wrong with her asking aspies specifically for help/advice, although what you say is that she could consider asking non-aspies for their opinion in addition to us.

It sounds like you're unnecessarily being a bit hard on her.

I think we all agree that you don't deserve to be in this situation because cultural considerations, timing, and even a discussion that you two were exclusive was apparently made clear from the start.

Hope you find good ways to deal with this situation presently and in the future, OP.

 

[Hypnalis]

@paloftoon

If I wanted to be hard on Lilygh I would have "lit her up" long ago.

But I don't do that, IRL or online, unless people are behaving very badly, and aren't being polite about it.
Even less so here, where both of those can happen accidently.

OTOH I don't like people trying to second-guess what I say. In that case I apply my most extreme "autismforums public forum" sanction - I don't read any more of their posts (with a few exceptions).

I wrote that post for Lilygh because more things about her situation have become clear since the first page of the thread. She might benefit from talking to me (even if her guy is not ASD) in a private "Conversation", but while such a discussion will certainly be polite, it's not likely to be comfortable for her.

So I left out last sentence of my post (semantically equivalent to the previous one in this post), and closed in a way that made it easy for her not to reply.

Even if I could still edit it, I probably wouldn't change it.