Advice needed

[Lilygh]

@paloftoon

If I wanted to be hard on Lilygh I would have "lit her up" long ago.

But I don't do that, IRL or online, unless people are behaving very badly, and aren't being polite about it.
Even less so here, where both of those can happen accidently.

OTOH I don't like people trying to second-guess what I say. In that case I apply my most extreme "autismforums public forum" sanction - I don't read any more of their posts (with a few exceptions).

I wrote that post for Lilygh because more things about her situation have become clear since the first page of the thread. She might benefit from talking to me (even if her guy is not ASD) in a private "Conversation", but while such a discussion will certainly be polite, it's not likely to be comfortable for her.

So I left out last sentence of my post (semantically equivalent to the previous one in this post), and closed in a way that made it easy for her not to reply.

Even if I could still edit it, I probably wouldn't change it.

I don’t understand why you assume that this wouldn’t be comfortable for me?
And I’m not second-guessing what you say, to be honest easier for me would be to “move on” or heal from this situation if in fact he wouldn’t be autistic and all he said was a lie. Because then I wouldn’t blame myself like I constantly do and wouldn’t overthink everything I said or did trying to find my fault in his behavior.

Asking questions don’t mean second-guessing your opinion. That’s why I opened this thread, to ask people because I don’t have proper knowledge. Don’t think it’s something wrong.
Also it only shows that I care about people like I cared a lot about him and was trying to understand him.
You and other people here help me realized he wasn’t just worth it. I absolutely don’t question your opinion that he might not have Asperger’s, I don’t understand why you thought I do.

 

[Lilygh]

@Lilygh

I don't think you've decided yet where you want to go with this discussion.

Neither AspieChris nor I think your guy is an Aspie. That means I think he's been lying to you from the start.

But how can I know? All the data comes from you, and it's very unclear.
It doesn't help that you are looking gain insight from "other Aspies", while I don't see "Aspie-typical" behavior in the information you've provided.

Are you sure you want to discuss your situation with an Aspie based on the assumption that your guy is a sub-clinical psycho rather than an Aspie?

I was looking for insight from “other Aspies” because HE TOLD ME he is an Aspie. Because like I said before I never knew anyone with Asperger’s syndrome, or don’t know anyone who knows a person with it. I came here for help and still don’t understand why this is something bad.
If I don’t know something, I ask someone who knows it best. And who can give me better answers than Aspies themselves??
Thanks to that, I know that his behavior is not because of his Asperger’s and that’s what I mainly wanted to know. If he’s worth trying and me staying

 

[Hypnalis]

@Lilygh

Your second-last quote is from a post I addressed to paloftoon.
So, for example, the "second-guessing" comment was only for paloftoon (and a bit of entertainment for me

The "uncomfortable" bit was about you of course.

My analysis of the thread makes me moderately confident you made some mistakes. If we talk some more, I'll share details. But it's always uncomfortable to be criticized, especially when it's related to something like this.

I'm not going to do it in a public forum, even if I'm asked to, nor will I start a conversation and open with a list of criticisms either. In my experience, starting a non-ironic conversation with some variation of "Do you know what your problem is?" never ends well
:
:
Your last quote, from the post addressed to you, I just took a chance on. I wouldn't have posted anything else if paloftoon hadn't quoted it and commented on it.

We're in an unproductive "loop" about the likelihood and consequences of your guy being an Aspie or not.
There's a "balance of probabilities" answer to that now which is a sufficient basis for decisions.

So this text from my earlier post:
"Are you sure you want to discuss your situation with an Aspie based on the assumption that your guy is a sub-clinical psycho rather than an Aspie?"
assumes that either your guy isn't an Aspie, or that whether he is or not has no bearing on the situation.
:
:
An aside:

I could have provided a more complete explanation in that post, but chose not to.
Given a choice between the "TL-DR effect" (common with "smartphone-era" people) and under-explaining, I usually go with brevity. It's not fair to everybody, but it's a great time-saver.

 

[rse92]

I honestly think you should just move on.

Why do you need this kind of drama in your life? He's not going to commit.

I have to believe you can find a man in your own country, city, town who will treat you better than this.

 

[Lilygh]

I honestly think you should just move on.

Why do you need this kind of drama in your life? He's not going to commit.

I have to believe you can find a man in your own country, city, town who will treat you better than this.

I don’t need this kind of drama. But I already invested emotionally that’s why I wanted to ask questions before I decided to “move on”. It’s done now.
I was just confused with an “Aspie” lying so much…

 

[rse92]

Autistic men are perfectly capable of lying, cheating, and manipulating women and being all around a-holes.

 

[Lilygh]

Autistic men are perfectly capable of lying, cheating, and manipulating women and being all around a-holes.

I didn’t know that. I’ve learnt the hard way

 

[AspieChris]

Based on everything you have said here, I have one bit of advice:

You’re an awesome person. I imagine that you’re beautiful in person. If I were single, I’d be PM’ing you for a phone number. You’re clearly intelligent and loving in a way that deserves the respect and admiration of a really great man. He is not that man.

As humans, we tend to dwell on the wrong things. Assuming he’s not what he told you he was (he is in love with something but it isn’t you), then maybe it’s time to close this chapter in your life. Go find a man who will love you more than life itself. Nobody deserves your time after they have hurt you.

Easier said than done.

 

[Lilygh]

Based on everything you have said here, I have one bit of advice:

You’re an awesome person. I imagine that you’re beautiful in person. If I were single, I’d be PM’ing you for a phone number. You’re clearly intelligent and loving in a way that deserves the respect and admiration of a really great man. He is not that man.

As humans, we tend to dwell on the wrong things. Assuming he’s not what he told you he was (he is in love with something but it isn’t you), then maybe it’s time to close this chapter in your life. Go find a man who will love you more than life itself. Nobody deserves your time after they have hurt you.

Easier said than done.

Thank you sooo much.
I have so much love inside me, I just picked the wrong person to give it to.
Few things make me leave, but the lack of loyalty, fidelity and devotion to one person is unacceptable. I deserve more. As much as I give to someone myself. All in all, I feel a little sorry for him. I feel sorry for him that he is not able and may never be able to feel what it is like to be sincerely loved and accepted and what it is like to love someone.

Unfortunately
Such situations affect our self-esteem. Constant thoughts of "if I were prettier, if I were funnier, if I were better, he would be different". We forget that how someone treats us is not a reflection of us, but a reflection of him.
Even though I have 100 reasons to consider him an asshole not worth my attention and time, I still miss who I thought he was.
And exactly as you said, easier said than done. But I'll get there. I just need to connect the dots and connect my heart with my brain. I already see progress, also thanks to this forum and people like you. It allowed me to see and realize that it is not his autism that is behind all this. That I don't have to accept it at all or be more understanding. That he is just like that. That he chooses this way. That's why I'm glad I came here.
So thank you for every kind word, for your support and for anyone taking the time to read my post, let alone respond.

 

[AspieChris]

Thank you sooo much.
I have so much love inside me, I just picked the wrong person to give it to.
Few things make me leave, but the lack of loyalty, fidelity and devotion to one person is unacceptable. I deserve more. As much as I give to someone myself. All in all, I feel a little sorry for him. I feel sorry for him that he is not able and may never be able to feel what it is like to be sincerely loved and accepted and what it is like to love someone.

Unfortunately
Such situations affect our self-esteem. Constant thoughts of "if I were prettier, if I were funnier, if I were better, he would be different". We forget that how someone treats us is not a reflection of us, but a reflection of him.
Even though I have 100 reasons to consider him an asshole not worth my attention and time, I still miss who I thought he was.
And exactly as you said, easier said than done. But I'll get there. I just need to connect the dots and connect my heart with my brain. I already see progress, also thanks to this forum and people like you. It allowed me to see and realize that it is not his autism that is behind all this. That I don't have to accept it at all or be more understanding. That he is just like that. That he chooses this way. That's why I'm glad I came here.
So thank you for every kind word, for your support and for anyone taking the time to read my post, let alone respond.

You just proved me correct. Now quit thinking about the good times (because it was all fake) and go find Mr. Right. That bastard doesn’t deserve any more of your time.

Take some advice from an old man who has seen a lot of really bad things than men do to get a woman into bed (I have stories that would make you sick). Look him in the eyes before you fall in love. And pay close attention to the way he handles his phone. If he glances too long at a waitress’s boobs or carefully hides his screen….. he’s going to be trouble. If he doesn’t start your relationship with a commitment, then it will be a battle for you till the end. And don’t let your guard down until you’re positive he’s the one. Men lie to get sex, even Aspies.