Age differences

[Nadador]

I generally date homologously, socio-culturally speaking, preferring Caucasic British men of approximately my own age [59]. Reasoning is, I have the easiest time understanding others most like myself. [I’m not even sure my homosexual interest is natural...I’ve deliberately turned to men in older age for practical reasons, the aforementioned included.]

So, this said, imagine my surprise when I fell into a small affair with a 26-years-old lad, whilst on my most recent run abroad. He’s Canadian, as well. Handsome, fit, and intelligent. A special educational needs teacher, working internationally through a Lutheran missionary programme. What started as a platonic dinner out became a lovely week of full-time companionship. I didn’t seem to mind his relative youth whatsoever. It’s true to say, there were aspects of it that I rather enjoyed. We exchanged our details before I left town, and he made it clear he’s interested in carrying on with me long-distance, to meet again when we can manage it. We already did manage, actually, as he flew up to see me in another city on my itinerary for a two-day rendezvous.

Now that I’ve gone on my way, I’m wondering whether I should indeed pursue this relationship. It could be ideal for its lack of routine obligations, but I’m concerned about things I don’t know to anticipate, which makes me a bit nervous. I do find myself missing him.

What experiences have you had of partners with significant age differences? What related problems did you find, if any? When and how did those problems come into play? Would you consider another partner with a gap?

 

[Mia]

I've not had that experience myself, having been in a long term relationship for quite some time. I do however know and have been friends with several gay couples for many years. One couple in particular have quite a noticeable age gap of twelve or so years. Having been in several relationships with younger women she is usually in more of a position of control within the relationship. For her part, she's had many relationships that were not long term, and has told me that she doubts if she will ever find the right partner. I suspect that she feels stimulated by these relationships with younger women, and would rather they end after a period of time in order to be by herself.

There is of course the idea that encompasses relationships of all types, that we look for in a partner. That is that we search for (unknowingly) the parent who had the least amount of interest (love) for us as children. So the father, who for example was away working all the time, or the mother who ignored us, or criticized us, is the kind of personality we are attracted to. Without even understanding why, we search for a continuation of that original relationship in order to repair it. Only realizing it in the context of our lives in retrospect. If aware enough, we intuit it during the relationship.

 

[Slithytoves]

What experiences have you had of partners with significant age differences? What related problems did you find, if any? When and how did those problems come into play? Would you consider another partner with a gap?

All but two of the men I've been with have been at least 15 years older than me, as you might (can't remember for sure) know. The biggest gap was just under 40 years. That doesn't help you much, though. You're the Old Man in this scenario.

I can say this, that once you're a full generation apart, you're more likely to feel the difference in trivial knowledge for making references. That can feel a little lonely sometimes, in a weird sort of way. As far as actual problems, it depends on the kind of people you are, what you want in life, and where you are in terms of practical security (finances, etc.). It's more likely that a much younger person will grow out of you, or want things you don't. Your tastes in/preferred frequency of activities are more likely to clash, as well as your preferred hours. You may also be pressured to be more sexual or emotionally expressive, and/or to move the relationship along faster.

Somehow I don't think you'd have a lot of problems with this guy. He's apparently got your adventurous spirit, something akin to your unusual lifestyle, and your love of teaching. You're physically fit enough for a man his age and have a suitably youthful mind. Like Mia said about her friend, age gives you an edge for having control within the relationship. Since he does live so far away, I'd say "Go for it" and see what happens. I know why you would want to protect yourself -- but I think you could just have fun with this one. I'm glad you've become more open to playing the field a little.

There is of course the idea that encompasses relationships of all types, that we look for in a partner. That is that we search for (unknowingly) the parent who had the least amount of interest (love) for us as children. So the father, who for example was away working all the time, or the mother who ignored us, or criticized us, is the kind of personality we are attracted to. Without even understanding why, we search for a continuation of that original relationship in order to repair it. Only realizing it in the context of our lives in retrospect. If aware enough, we intuit it during the relationship.

I found this so interesting. I've read this so many times, but I've only done this once (and I really am very good at identifying my unconscious motivations). It was my last relationship before I met Harrison, weirdly enough, so it wasn't just a mistake of inexperience. I agree that I did it in part as an attempt at repairing something; but it was my father himself I was trying to repair by proxy, not the relationship between us. And yeah, it ended badly.

But anyway, I agree that the pattern you describe is very common. Sometimes it even works.

 

[Harrison]

What experiences have you had of partners with significant age differences? What related problems did you find, if any? When and how did those problems come into play? Would you consider another partner with a gap?

I have never dated anyone my own age, or older, so my experiences are with people ranging from 9-26 years younger. I find most single women my age are usually divorced and simply looking for a quick good time rather than a relationship that might 'rock their existence' at home.

However, and I say this because you are my friend, I would be very very cautious with someone that young. Why? Because they usually have an agenda.

We are aspies, like it or not, and as such, we are also crap at relationships (in general). Mostly because we miss the cues, fill in the blanks with our own fantasies and then get screwed whilst we're not looking. I speak from a lifetime of doing what your doing now, and it never ended well.

I promise that there is always a reason that you won't see, a reason why somone so much younger wants to be there. If that reason is that they find you exciting, wonderful etc etc then happy endings all round. I'm just cynical about it.

As you asked, my problems came into play with "Oh I'd love to see you but I can't afford the fare" and culminated in "why don't you put the house in joint names, afterall, you're so much older". Shan't bother you with the rest, but golddiggers come in all varieties. You already know my stuff anyway.

And yes, I'm now married to someone younger than me. However, we met in totally different circumstances, and developed in a totally different way to my previous forays.

 

[Slithytoves]

I would be very very cautious with someone that young. Why? Because they usually have an agenda.

I promise that there is always a reason that you won't see, a reason why somone so much younger wants to be there. If that reason is that they find you exciting, wonderful etc etc then happy endings all round. I'm just cynical about it.

As you asked, my problems came into play with "Oh I'd love to see you but I can't afford the fare" and culminated in "why don't you put the house in joint names, afterall, you're so much older".

It's fascinating to see how we diverge on this subject. It's the other side of the coin I don't experience, from someone I have very significant (!) experience of.

Maybe I can be so quick to give the thumbs up to our buddy because I've never had an agenda myself?

I'm trying not to assume that money and fame are factors here. I hope I'm right, but Nadador, I think I should defer at least in part to my husband on this one. He seems to know what he's talking about from the angle you need to hear from most.

 

[Ste11aeres]

A bit funny that Slithytoves and Harrison have such differing viewpoints.
And they've both got valid points.
Pretty much all the people I've been attracted to have been my age. Except for the one person I truly fell for; he was 15 years older. I didn't fall for him because of his age, but despite it. His personality was so awesome, that his age no longer mattered.

Still, the gap was 15 years in my case. 33 years is quite different.

The most optimistic possibility for his feelings (imo) is that he is looking for a parent figure. The least optimistic is what Harrison suggested.

Right now, you are in the beginning stages of your crush. This is the time for looking at things rationally. Because things can get much stickier later on, when attachment has deepened and commitments have been made.

 

[Harrison]

It's fascinating to see how we diverge on this subject. It's the other side of the coin I don't experience, from someone I have very significant (!) experience of.

Maybe I can be so quick to give the thumbs up to our buddy because I've never had an agenda myself?

I'm trying not to assume that money and fame are factors here. I hope I'm right, but Nadador, I think I should defer at least in part to my husband on this one. He seems to know what he's talking about from the angle you need to hear from most.

I agree, from what I know you have never had an agenda, which was a big plus point for me

 

[Slithytoves]

I agree, from what I know you have never had an agenda, which was a big plus point for me

I'm forever grateful that you could see that. I knew you'd been bamboozled and blindsided many a time.

 

[Aspergirl4hire]

I have always been at my least rational in the beginning stages of infatuation, and any intelligence I can summon is locked onto the pleasure of thinking of the beloved (or object of my special interest--which is probably more accurate). And designing experiences to make it perfect.

My partner is 7 years older than I am, and the differences have become more obvious with time. I've found it useful to breach them with acceptance, and the most difficult part of that is recognizing the difference between a simple mistake that could have been dangerous--such as a driving error--and recognizing a pattern of errors that shows a change in competence to which I need to adjust. A chapter in The Handbook of Competence and Motivation finally turned me on to that one.

 

[Beverly]

I have to agree with Harrison, be careful. Age is not so much my concern as the lad being star struck a bit and, a bit of a gold-digger, even if that is largely unintentional on his part. Still I wouldn't discount the possibility of this being a wonderful relationship in the making either. Keep it casual, see where it goes, don't rush in and get too attached too fast. Play, learn, get to know and enjoy it for however long it lasts.

I personally prefer older partners, my and younger are generally too immature for me.

 

[Tom]

A big age gap is like a big cultural gap, and quite significant in the long run. It can be done, but I think requires extra effort on the part of both partners to negotiate the various differences as they pop up. Not all the differences'/potential obstacles are generated by the couple, as some are coming from society and the individuals family and friends. Sometimes you do run into people more attuned to being with a partner with a significant difference, but its rarer. I probably wouldn't let an age or cultural barrier stop me personnally if the bond with the person was of the strongest type, but I wouldn't expect smooth sailing either.

 

[Bro'Freak]

Edit- Felt like too much amongst this thread, sorry for interjecting.

 

[AsheSkyler]

I'm most upset that there is an implication the wedding got called off and you broke up.

I generally don't stray far from my age. Too much of a generation gap to the point you're almost speaking a foreign language to each other.

 

[Nadador]

Thank you sincerely, everyone who has responded to this point. I knew I could depend on you for excellent feedback. It's always nice to be proven right.

I'm most upset that there is an implication the wedding got called off and you broke up.

I'll address this first, as it is, in fact, the elephant in the room for those who know me, but don't know about the split with AdamR.

I'm upset about it as well, and yes, the engagement is very much off. I don't mind citing the cause as his infidelity, as he hasn't minded sharing the details of my January meltdown with some of my film crew. My apologies for the tabloid disclosure...but it's high time I spoke my truth on that one more openly. If it helps, I won't mention it again. [And if this made any mod cringe, be assured he won't be back here to know of it.]

Ehm...anyway, pleased to hear from you, Ashe.

...(edit) Having been in several relationships with younger women she is usually in more of a position of control within the relationship. For her part, she's had many relationships that were not long term, and has told me that she doubts if she will ever find the right partner. I suspect that she feels stimulated by these relationships with younger women, and would rather they end after a period of time in order to be by herself.

...(edit) That is that we search for (unknowingly) the parent who had the least amount of interest (love) for us as children.

Good to make your acquaintance, Mia. It seems the woman you describe sounds very much like me. I've always been a bachelor, mostly down to my nonstandard lifestyle, but I also suspect I'm simply not suited to a permanent union for my personality, habits, and particular constellation of disorders [AS, OCD, Tourette's, anxiety/panic disorder]. All of this is why I would entertain a relationship with a lad roughly half my age and continents away.

Good grief...my parents were both brilliant. Could that be why I'm not fussy about the sex of my partners? Don't seem to need one all that much?

Somehow I don't think you'd have a lot of problems with this guy. He's apparently got your adventurous spirit, something akin to your unusual lifestyle, and your love of teaching. You're physically fit enough for a man his age and have a suitably youthful mind.

Thank you for your insights and your compliments. The above are the reasons I'd considered, as it's true he's not your average young man. It seems that others are not so optimistic, but I'm glad you've shared this for balance. And you do know that I see exactly why you're being so encouraging.... It's appreciated.

However, and I say this because you are my friend, I would be very very cautious with someone that young. Why? Because they usually have an agenda.

We are aspies, like it or not, and as such, we are also crap at relationships (in general). Mostly because we miss the cues, fill in the blanks with our own fantasies and then get screwed whilst we're not looking. I speak from a lifetime of doing what your doing now, and it never ended well.

And yes, I'm now married to someone younger than me. However, we met in totally different circumstances, and developed in a totally different way to my previous forays.

You would have to come along as the voice of experience, wouldn't you? Bloody hell.

Just as your wife captured my 'Pro' list, you've summarised my 'Cons'. I appreciate your looking out for me. And you're right, the very reason why I brought this here is that I know I don't read people well, missing as much as I catch.

So, what are the right circumstances for meeting someone with no agenda? The way to ferret an agenda out? Tell me, O Master. I seek your sage tuition. [In all seriousness.]

 

[Nadador]

A bit funny that Slithytoves and Harrison have such differing viewpoints. And they've both got valid points.

...(edit) The most optimistic possibility for his feelings (imo) is that he is looking for a parent figure. The least optimistic is what Harrison suggested.

Right now, you are in the beginning stages of your crush. This is the time for looking at things rationally. Because things can get much stickier later on, when attachment has deepened and commitments have been made.

I rather like that Slithy and Harrison came in at different attitudes. I suspect they often do, though it seems to work out nicely.

Well, I'm definitely not wanting to be anyone's parent. Nor their Sugar Daddy, or glittery conversation piece. Hmm.

Yes, I do like 'rationally'. And there is potential for a deepening of feeling, though I'm feeling fairly immune to the lure of commitment just lately. This is all good input. Thanks, Ste11aeres.

I have always been at my least rational in the beginning stages of infatuation, and any intelligence I can summon is locked onto the pleasure of thinking of the beloved (or object of my special interest--which is probably more accurate). And designing experiences to make it perfect.

My partner is 7 years older than I am, and the differences have become more obvious with time. I've found it useful to breach them with acceptance, and the most difficult part of that is recognizing the difference between a simple mistake that could have been dangerous--such as a driving error--and recognizing a pattern of errors that shows a change in competence to which I need to adjust. A chapter in The Handbook of Competence and Motivation finally turned me on to that one.

That would be quite frightening, I think, dealing with declining competence. I wish you well in your journey with him on that. I'm a bit surprised...you're not so aged that someone seven years your senior should be in such decline. I hope it's more subtle than I may be reading into your comments.

I'd like to think I'm always rational, but history tells a different story. I wonder...is there a way to test myself without the benefit of my lost processing partner? I always looked to my brother for analysis of my cognitive-emotional balance. Though, honestly, the time for catching behaviours is in the moment, which isn't my strong suit in the best of times.

...(edit) Age is not so much my concern as the lad being star struck a bit and, a bit of a gold-digger, even if that is largely unintentional on his part. Still I wouldn't discount the possibility of this being a wonderful relationship in the making either. Keep it casual, see where it goes, don't rush in and get too attached too fast. Play, learn, get to know and enjoy it for however long it lasts.

I personally prefer older partners, my and younger are generally too immature for me.

Good to meet you, Beverly. My trouble is that as I get older, most men my age are seeming too mature!

Not a word of a lie, I've not really thought about 'starstruck' or 'gold-digging' till reading this thread. I'm rather bad at protecting myself, as I haven't quite adjusted to a mindset that might better suit my present position in life. Not only did notoriety come very late, but so did real dating. As it happens, the lad did recognise me, but only after others around him did. It didn't seem to faze him. Perhaps I should consider that it could have, after a bit, and been instrumental to what has followed. That's not a very nice feeling.

I appreciate that you do leave room for the possibility that things could go well. I'll definitely be taking you advice to keep things slow and casual. Thank you.

...(edit) Not all the differences'/potential obstacles are generated by the couple, as some are coming from society and the individuals family and friends.

Nice to hear from you again, Tom. You were just coming in as I was starting to be here less often, at the start of the year. I've enjoyed your posts.

I liked everything you said, but the bit I highlighted above stands out as an especially excellent point. Yet another I hadn't considered. Hmm. Well, most of the people I deal with professionally are significantly younger than myself, and they are also the bulk of my social circle. Perception matters, however. Of me, and of my partner. A romantic partnership with a gap of this size could play differently to them than I might expect. On the other side of my life, none but one of my more longstanding personal friends are even aware of my interest in men, so I doubt I'd ever have reason to mention this new person, should he become a fixture of sorts. Just thinking aloud, here. Thanks. This is good food for thought.

How would you explain a gap like this to others bold enough to question it? Should one submit to such questions? Take offence?

I've just come out of a 8 month relationship with a 51 year old aspie, i'm 40.

It was good for quite a while but things changed after she spontaniously moved to a new house in the village.

...(edit) Think i'm going to be wary of older menopausal women in future.

My condolences on the rotten outcome of your experiment with an older woman. I'd be hesitant to generalise one case into an attitude toward all females of her age, however. It sounds like there was much more going on with your ex than menopause. I've known many a woman who has handled her 'change of life' gracefully.

It's actually my own stage of life that concerns me most, in this particular situation. Still examining my reasons why I'd suddenly be interested in a lad young enough to be my son, and then some, after so many years of skepticism about even moderate age differences.

 

[On the Inside]

First off, good for you for finding someone to enjoy spending time with, that can be a rare thing.

No experience on my part with big age differences, except being too frightened to take it on. When I was 18-19, I was acquainted with a woman who was in her 30's. There was a mutual interest, and I was quite attracted to her, but at the time I couldn't take things any further. Pity, really, it would have been a good experience for me, she was kind and interesting to talk with. I just couldn't let anyone in at that time.

After my divorce from my first wife, there was a very cute woman of 20 who was quite smitten with me, (I was 29) we had some fun chats, had a goofy guitar playing sing along, and she made attempts to get me to take things further but I was uncomfortable with the age difference. I was mindful of the wise adage about leaving the younger one better off than when you met, and I didn't think I could do that justice.

Both of my long term relationships have had only 2 year differences. I think from my perspective, that I have a hard enough time relating intimately with people, and romantic interests in particular, that ANY difference can seem insurmountable. Not true, of course, but that is the root of my fear and discomfort. And as Tom stated, they are not necessarily all from the involved pair. And I have learned, as Aspergirl said, that my intelligence, rationality and common sense are diminished in inverse proportion to the level of infatuation. Thus another reason for my fear and discomfort. (That is something for me to think about, because I've had relationships where the infatuation was moderate, yet my intelligence, rationality and common sense was still compromised.)

Wish you well, and hope you find the help you need in this. Quite a range of responses. But I think it's worth a go, with positive caution.

 

[Harrison]

Nadador my advice would be enjoy the experience but don't invest in it. Then see what happens. Keep an eye on social media too to make sure it doesn't appear there.

 

[AsheSkyler]

I'll address this first, as it is, in fact, the elephant in the room for those who know me, but don't know about the split with AdamR.

I'm upset about it as well, and yes, the engagement is very much off. I don't mind citing the cause as his infidelity, as he hasn't minded sharing the details of my January meltdown with some of my film crew. My apologies for the tabloid disclosure...but it's high time I spoke my truth on that one more openly. If it helps, I won't mention it again. [And if this made any mod cringe, be assured he won't be back here to know of it.]

Ehm...anyway, pleased to hear from you, Ashe.

Always good to see you come around too.

A tabloid disclosure is still closure from your stalkers fans here on AC. I won't bug ya for further details since it didn't sound like a calm breakup. You seem a pretty straight-laced kind of guy, so it was a bit of a surprise to see you come by flirting with some hot young thing half your age, and corrupting a sweet little church boy to boot. Scandalous!

You know I'm just teasing a bit. But I'd definitely recommend keeping it secret, those crazy loons in the gossip magazines would be vicious.

 

[Slithytoves]

And you do know that I see exactly why you're being so encouraging.... It's appreciated.

Yup.

So, what are the right circumstances for meeting someone with no agenda? The way to ferret an agenda out?

Since Harrison didn't grab this one, can I try?

I've never had problems with agenda-wielding types myself; there's not a lot anyone can get out of me that most connivers would want. I have had enough conversations about this with people in your "present position" that I know a little about what they do, though. Some of it might be hard for you since you're naturally generous.

I don't think that circumstances usually matter, as far as how you meet someone. You can meet people anywhere, anytime who could want something from you other than just you, for who you are as a person. And from what I've heard, you don't have to "ferret out" an agenda as much as make it clear that agendas won't get anywhere.

I know one single actor who has what I think has the right idea. (1) He doesn't buy drinks or dinners for new people he meets, and finds a way to state a policy that he never does. Something like: "Thank you so much for understanding my preference to go Dutch. I just find that it keeps relationships simpler when people pay their own way." All outings are also very casual and low-key. (2) He makes it clear that any get-togethers involving travel will be paid for by the person making the trip. If an opportunity for a meeting comes up, he pretty much just doesn't offer to pay, period. If the person says they can't do it because of money, he basically just says "That's a shame -- maybe some other time," and leaves it at that. Trips are also scaled to a budget; nothing fancy, just normal stuff. (3) He never invites anyone to premieres or anything related to his work, and finds a way to slip into conversation that he likes to keep his relationships private. (4) He also doesn't buy gifts for the first several months, then only gives things that cost what any average person would spend. There's more, but you get the idea. To make a long story short, he acts like he's just any Average Joe.

I'm not saying it would have to stay this way forever. Gold diggers and wanna-be stars give up very quickly, or else become transparent by the way they act about how you are acting.

Not a word of a lie, I've not really thought about 'starstruck' or 'gold-digging' till reading this thread. I'm rather bad at protecting myself, as I haven't quite adjusted to a mindset that might better suit my present position in life.

I hope you never completely adjust to that mindset, from what I've seen of it. Being more self-protective would be good, but it's your lack of ego that makes you, You.

 

[Beverly]

Nadador As other have said, be wary of the media PERIOD, be that social media or the Paparazzi, this mess called fame is still a bit new to you so the media isn't going to be too harsh on you YET. And there is the operative word, the more you do, the more your name gets out there, the more cameras and, more mouths looking for a sensational scandal - even when all you might have done is pat his back or smile a bit too seductively at him just when some camera caught it.

If you're not out publicly yet, it may be wise to get on that with your publicity people before the rumor's begin flying, follow their advise as to what to do. I'd guess that's be open about your orientation but, keep it low key and, avoid the possibility of being caught in anything even remotely resembling a compromising position by the press or nosy fans with cell phones.

I know first hand how hard it is to adjust to life the proverbial fishbowl of notoriety. Alone in a sea of people and, having to second guess everyone who would be close to you. Gold digger? Star-struck, would be stalker? genuine person that really cares about you? Fame seeker, hoping you will give him his big break? Would he take pictures or videos then sell them if we split?

I know horrible questions to have to ask yourself, and horrid possibilities, depending on the answers but, we've seen the worst happen to others in the spotlight and, it's only prudent to do your best to insure you don't become one of them. Preventing media storms is a lot easier than cleaning up after them.

You're getting close to the point in your career where the less you are seen doing in public, outside of official functions, the better. Preserve what you can of your private life while you still can, it get harder with every time the credits roll with your name in them, every interview, every published comment, and every blasted Tweet you make.

Don't get me wrong, there are a lot of really great aspects to being closer to the top too, it's exciting getting there, financially and emotionally rewarding to be a success at what you do and, to know a good percentage of the world's population knows you are a success. You get to visit amazing places, meet fascinating people, do so much that so few ever get the chance to do. it's worth the hassles that go with fame, just don't let it eat you alive because it can if you loose too much of your private life to the cameras.