Avoidant type in regards to relationships

[Aspychata]

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Schizoid_avoidant_behavior
This was an interesting read. I also read that we tend to attract others to some extent with identical schizoid-avoidant tendencies as ourselves.. Autism and schizoid-like tendencies can overlap and be hard to distinguish or misdiagnosed.

Anybody have thoughts or ideas they wish to comment on?
Just find that l tend to attract the same also. I use my morals to guide me, even though l may be less emotionally involved however l can still behave in acceptable parameters and be helpful to those around me.

Sometimes men seem distant and unclear in their actions. So l start to think about this and try to understand and break it down. I too can be distant myself however l usually don't give double messages. I think my daughter to some extent is like this also. I believe my father was very much like this. I feel comfortable by myself, yet l feel great around very specific types of people who l feel are like me in that they usually have a very small circle of friends or one close friend.

 

[Aspychata]

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Schizoid_personality_disorder
This is just to read, and come to your own conclusions and see any patterns or similarities that you notice. This isn't a shame, blame post. This is just to talk about ideas.

I have always been surprised when people say, oh, but he isn't proposing to you, how can you stay seeing him? And l think, well why does he have to? Like why are you judging me on clearly my choice?

The person l will live with, said clearly, you are familiar to me, therefore l am comfortable. Clearly, they are a bit like me and l have yet attracted another similar to me in attachment styles. His mother was emotionally unavailable and she told me this. My mother was also emotionally unavailable for 98% of my life.

Bullying is particularly common towards schizoid-avoidant personalities which was distressing to read.

I have always grappled with why l enjoy being alone. I don't see other loners as having a personality deficiency, l see them as somebody like me. However, l do go out of my way to be friendly when needed most of the time.

 

[Mr. Stevens]

Like why are you judging me on clearly my choice?

I don't know if others here relate to this phenomenon, but I do. It's like the world in general thinks I can't do something on purpose. It seems to baffle people that, as a different person, I might have different preferences. So I am choosing something they wouldn't.

Great posts, Aspychata.

 

[SusanLR]

I was diagnosed Schizoid pd at the same time the ASD/Asperger's diagnosis was given.

Earlier in life before the Asperger's was thought about, I was diagnosed Borderline Personality.
I don't know which really fits me the most. I should take at least an on-line test to see what I think.

I didn't know it was considered rare.
It never bothered me that I didn't have friends or want a romantic partner.
So, I wasn't oscillating. Interesting.

 

[Slime_Punk]

That's interesting. I wonder if attracting others who are similar (or having a desire to do so) still fits the bill for a disorder like this at all, since the symptoms seem to involve not wanting to reach out to other people. My mind can't do that much calculating at once, it's like a snake eating its own tail!

Personally I've been diagnosed with a lot of stuff that didn't make sense to me prior to getting an ASD diagnosis, but that didn't happen to be one of them. One was 'avoidant personality disorder' however.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

When I had my autism diagnosis it was noted that as a teen I expressed a lot of SPD. i was not merely avoidant, I was isolated, though I desired some social connection. Yes, I was hypersensitive to rejection, and this is made worse when I could not understand social communication.

I am understanding now just how I was confused about overtures for connection from girls and how my mind then just shut down all thought of being noticed and desirable. I have no doubt that my ND is responsible for my gender values. While heteronormal, I am more giving than dominating like the gender propaganda tells me I should be. I like my way of being.

 

[Judge]

I guess I'd feel better if SPD was more precise and differentiated itself from ASD. The "overlapping" of the two make it difficult to assess in my own case, where I have some but not all of such traits.

Making it confusing to say the least. I guess I just see a basic need for solitude as a perpetual impediment to healthy relationships, whether it's within or without what outlines SPD.

 

[Magna]

Sometimes men seem distant and unclear in their actions.

The general differences between men and women (always exceptions to the rule) are interesting to me.

The topic and behavior differences between men and women has to do in part with how men and women typically interpret and respond to intimacy. Your topic and your comment I've quoted is timely in relation to information I've been learning about on the subject recently.

What caught my attention in your comment is the fact that in general the level of engagement (ie distant or actively engaged), feeling of closeness (ie distance vs. closeness), etc that men feel toward their female partner is tied to physical intimacy or lack thereof. Most recently I've learned from watching Youtube videos put out by licensed therapists, psychologists, etc that an extended (or permanent) lack of physical intimacy in a romantic relationship is subconsciously confusing to a man to the degree that it's common for a man to start to view his previously romantic partner as a platonic roommate and starts to act accordingly; the altered view/feeling is completely unintentional on the man's part. In short, many (most?) men apparently stop thinking of their mate as a romantic partner if/when romance ends in the relationship. As a man myself, this reality seems so logical that any surprise about the reality of it is a bit amusing to me.

As such this is at least one reason men can become distant in relationships that have a significant change in regards to physical intimacy. It's a fact that people act differently toward their romantic partner than they do a friend, roommate, relative, co-worker, etc.

Perhaps a concise way to put it would be that it seems to be "in the wiring" that generally a man ends up thinking of his mate more as a friend than a lover if there's no longer any physical intimacy in the relationship. This change could be the "distance" you refer to in such cases.

Or to put it even more succinctly, musician Aldous Harding is correct in her song: Passion Babe, when she sings: "Passion must play or passion won't stay".

 

[Human Avatar]

I don’t know much about this, it is interesting that Listed as one of the Covert Traits with Schizoid is - Autistic Thinking

I think this because over lapping is so similar . The distinction would need a very experienced professional.

I do remember reading somewhere, is that one defining factor with schizoid is they have no interest at all to have romantic relationship , or any connection with society.

Where as Autistic verbal or non verbal do try to communicate or connect in many different ways , making connections to people through very uncommon ways .
Art , Music , Engineering, Science , special interests etc, Even if we choose not to have a romantic relationship with someone.

study of history and music are two of my traits I use to connect to people .

I suspect there is a definite defining factor between, anxiety , burn out isolation

As compared to no desire to communicate on any level .

I have read schizoid disorder is extremely rare. And to find a individual in a relationship who is diagnosed as such even more rare .

I don’t know enough about this . Seems like going down rabbit hole because the overlapping . Even for a psychologist, I am sure this would be a challenge for them as well .

 

[Aspychata]

This post is just to bring out people's ideas about various concepts. In some respects, l feel we are master's of masking because it maybe hard for some of us to have deep feelings for someone no matter what your label is. And we can fool ourselves into believing social behavior concepts as love or romance. Yet, undeniably l can't get certain men out of my mind, however l am not sure what to call this, except what one life partner told me, you are familiar, (and therefore good for me).

At first l was slightly offended at being called familiar, but then l thought what if this person doesn't have anymore to offer due to his childhood and his mental capacity to feel love, this could be a compliment. He is a very high functioning bipolar, medical professional. How l approach the term love which is confusing and not a solid concept. I can feel very attached to people l have a close relationship with and nothing else with them. I don't think this means l am flippant in regards to their emotions. So l take offense of counselors telling me, he isn't healthy for you, he isn't emotionally involved, or mature, you need a real man. Maybe l don't want a man who is emotionally mature, l want a man who is in the same shaky place l am in, it's easier and less threatening for me to maneuver. I don't need people telling me what to look for, my needs are different then your needs. So l guess my point is, look for what you want, don't let other people tell you what a relationship should be.

 

[Human Avatar]

This post is just to bring out people's ideas about various concepts. In some respects, l feel we are master's of masking because it maybe hard for some of us to have deep feelings for someone no matter what your label is. And we can fool ourselves into believing social behavior concepts as love or romance. Yet, undeniably l can't get certain men out of my mind, however l am not sure what to call this, except what one life partner told me, you are familiar, (and therefore good for me).

At first l was slightly offended at being called familiar, but then l thought what if this person doesn't have anymore to offer due to his childhood and his mental capacity to feel love, this could be a compliment. He is a very high functioning bipolar, medical professional. How l approach the term love which is confusing and not a solid concept. I can feel very attached to people l have a close relationship with and nothing else with them. I don't think this means l am flippant in regards to their emotions. So l take offense of counselors telling me, he isn't healthy for you, he isn't emotionally involved, or mature, you need a real man. Maybe l don't want a man who is emotionally mature, l want a man who is in the same shaky place l am in, it's easier and less threatening for me to maneuver. I don't need people telling me what to look for, my needs are different then your needs. So l guess my point is, look for what you want, don't let other people tell you what a relationship should be.

I apologize I must have missed all the cues what this was about . I went straight to facts and analysis like I always do .

 

[TheName]

Yeah.... I proposed one day just to avoid marriage for 9 further years... Well rest of it is a history I learned that I should not avoid marriage but proposals or maybe relationships in general. I truly believe that only person with avoidance profile would be able to understand relationship with another person with avoidance profile. I'm dreaded to think how avoidance Vs avoidance would work though in my case lol. Thx

 

[TheName]

Yeah.... I proposed one day just to avoid marriage for 9 further years... Well rest of it is a history I learned that I should not avoid marriage but proposals or maybe relationships in general. I truly believe that only person with avoidance profile would be able to understand relationship with another person with avoidance profile. I'm dreaded to think how avoidance Vs avoidance would work though in my case lol. Thx

It's actually intriguing that people with trust issues(like me) could actually have relationship with other person who has the same issue. Somewhat polarising idea but maybe this is it? This really makes me think....

 

[Aspychata]

I apologize I must have missed all the cues what this was about . I went straight to facts and analysis like I always do .

This is truly open-ended discussion and your input is surely welcomed.

 

[Aspychata]

Think it's great to start out in a friendship/relationship with someone who has the same handicaps and bridges to jump over. Two people who become simpatico because of your similar nunances enlightens each day and brings more realizations that you may have come from faulty thinking. At the end of the day, you come to a realization that relationships don't have to be complicated. If you bring drama to a relationship, it's because the existence of the relationship threatens you in some way.

 

[TheName]

Think it's great to start out in a friendship/relationship with someone who has the same handicaps and bridges to jump over.

But how do You know? How would You know other person has avoidance "issues" like You? Maybe it's a greatest obstacle?

 

[TheName]

But how do You know? How would You know other person has avoidance "issues" like You? Maybe it's a greatest obstacle?

By "You" I meant me, you or anyone else...

 

[Mr. Stevens]

At the end of the day, you come to a realization that relationships don't have to be complicated.

I feel like this idea is the Titanic, and I'm the last one onboard. Screaming, hopefully.

 

[Aspychata]

But how do You know? How would You know other person has avoidance "issues" like You? Maybe it's a greatest obstacle?

I tend to attract partners who have some overlapping similarities in regards to childhood issues, and relationship issues or avoidance. In fact we tend to attract partners with similar childhood issues. This isn't true for everyone obviously. I guess you can think back in your past relationships and assess if you had similar issues in childhood.

 

[TheName]

I'm just saying as ultimately as "avoidant person" I would first of all avoid admitting my avoidance. Then when You think about relationship as a person You experienced it Yourself, You realise that You stuck at square one. Attachment grows from the moment You trust, then You realise whether You admit it or, I'm already in it and there is no way I would come out with my avoidance because of attachment and being unable to control avoidance techniques which are always the ultimate explanation to everything. I think, we should be really careful with relationship and bonding with other people unless You can primarily accept and Infor other person of Your avoidance profile.