Avoidant type in regards to relationships

[Aspychata]

Yes. Being touched definitely does come up with avoidant personality. I may have met someone like that, and l had to read the signs if a hug was or wasn't okay. Touch was iffy, so l tried to deciper the clues. I get jumpy if someone is always touchy touchy, and it does make me snarky, so l can adapt to someone like me who needs no touching at times. But l like a tradeoff, like holding hands, because you feel connected and you can end it in a couple of mins. It's a gesture that goes far.
I need space and right now l plan to have separate bedrooms in my next home with the person l live with, because l need it to stay happy and well-adjusted.

 

[TheName]

Yes. Being touched definitely does come up with avoidant personality. I may have met someone like that, and l had to read the signs if a hug was or wasn't okay. Touch was iffy, so l tried to deciper the clues. I get jumpy if someone is always touchy touchy, and it does make me snarky, so l can adapt to someone like me who needs no touching at times. But l like a tradeoff, like holding hands, because you feel connected and you can end it in a couple of mins. It's a gesture that goes far.
I need space and right now l plan to have separate bedrooms in my next home with the person l live with, because l need it to stay happy and well-adjusted.

It's really good that Your partner can actually understand that and not feeling pushed away or however You want to call that. For me even separate bedrooms wouldn't help as I'm needing time somewhere absolutely alone away from people. Teleporting to desert would help but also little drive somewhere to the forest done the job as well at times ( obviously it triggered messages like come back home etc and some drama so again rather downside of a relationship if that makes sense)

 

[Aspychata]

It's really good that Your partner can actually understand that and not feeling pushed away or however You want to call that. For me even separate bedrooms wouldn't help as I'm needing time somewhere absolutely alone away from people. Teleporting to desert would help but also little drive somewhere to the forest done the job as well at times ( obviously it triggered messages like come back home etc and some drama so again rather downside of a relationship if that makes sense)

I have always let my ex-husband take off when he wants as long as he gives me an idea. He likes to paddle in his canoe or fish, another way for him to zone. People do need space, however a insecure partner may not tolerate this until you sit them down and explain what you need l guess. My ex finally got it, that l have to have time by myself and l wasn't cheating on him, or picking up guys via phone or my computer. However this works, you need to explain your needs to your significant other, because it's normal to need time by yourself. I too could live in a secluded forest, however l see that it's not possible in my lifetime, so l have learned to make concessions to the best of my ability.

 

[Aspychata]

It's really good that Your partner can actually understand that and not feeling pushed away or however You want to call that. For me even separate bedrooms wouldn't help as I'm needing time somewhere absolutely alone away from people. Teleporting to desert would help but also little drive somewhere to the forest done the job as well at times ( obviously it triggered messages like come back home etc and some drama so again rather downside of a relationship if that makes sense)

Take some time, Explain your needs, champion for yourself. I understand you are worried about upsetting the applecart, but you have needs, you need to talk about this and overtime, your partner needs to respect you and accommodate you. You may need to talk several times about this. Start by saying, l feel this is important to me, we need to discuss this in a civil manner, and l am asking you to keep an open mind as l explain what l need from you. It's called speaking up for yourself, the more you do it, the easier it gets. I was in your shoes, a mouse, that couldn't ask for what l needed. That also made me run to the forest. Now l ask for what l need, sometimes it isn't well received, however, l don't feel stifled anymore.

 

[TheName]

Take some time, Explain your needs, champion for yourself. I understand you are worried about upsetting the applecart, but you have needs, you need to talk about this and overtime, your partner needs to respect you and accommodate you. You may need to talk several times about this. Start by saying, l feel this is important to me, we need to discuss this in a civil manner, and l am asking you to keep an open mind as l explain what l need from you. It's called speaking up for yourself, the more you do it, the easier it gets. I was in your shoes, a mouse, that couldn't ask for what l needed. That also made me run to the forest. Now l ask for what l need, sometimes it isn't well received, however, l don't feel stifled anymore.

Look. The story in my case with partners is long gone. I'm single for years now. Thank You for Your advice though. I truly understand it. In "normal" cases advise works on the basic human/civil ground of negotiation. But... When it comes to avoidance and I mean PDA, active or passive, there is no rules as it's most likely saying yes to no and vice versa. When someone offers You solution that is logical, partnership or whatever it is, PDA profile will works against it, the complete opposite. So let's say it's a Christmas dinner today and we preparing to that for months by the means of talking about it or mentioning it. This is already a clue for me that demand is raised and should be avoided. I would never admit it but would find 1000000 excuses to sabotage it and trick You into misery of not having it. At least, the way You planned it. Unless You understand the reverse logics of PDA as a partner it would be rather hard not to call me utter dic. and break up with me eventually anyway. So You see this is life time question for me and good point of discussion in regards of this mental health condition Vs relationship. In my opinion it's primary conflict if that makes sense. Not saying You shouldn't explore it and enjoy it. But it would be good question to ask what You really like about relationship with Your partner? What emotions of the other person You have to discard? See this is my dilemma I have. Hence I'm writing here.

 

[Aspychata]

Look. The story in my case with partners is long gone. I'm single for years now. Thank You for Your advice though. I truly understand it. In "normal" cases advise works on the basic human/civil ground of negotiation. But... When it comes to avoidance and I mean PDA, active or passive, there is no rules as it's most likely saying yes to no and vice versa. When someone offers You solution that is logical, partnership or whatever it is, PDA profile will works against it, the complete opposite. So let's say it's a Christmas dinner today and we preparing to that for months by the means of talking about it or mentioning it. This is already a clue for me that demand is raised and should be avoided. I would never admit it but would find 1000000 excuses to sabotage it and trick You into misery of not having it. At least, the way You planned it. Unless You understand the reverse logics of PDA as a partner it would be rather hard not to call me utter dic. and break up with me eventually anyway. So You see this is life time question for me and good point of discussion in regards of this mental health condition Vs relationship. In my opinion it's primary conflict if that makes sense. Not saying You shouldn't explore it and enjoy it. But it would be good question to ask what You really like about relationship with Your partner? What emotions of the other person You have to discard? See this is my dilemma I have. Hence I'm writing here.

I guess my one person that l have known for years, we gel well together. We don't like to argue. I have always worked for his success. He thanks me now for his current job because l called a ton of places to get him into a great place. Am l different then the usual partner, yeah, probably. We also have a lot of great experiences, scuba diving, parasailing, skiing, dude ranch, exploring life, listening to each other and surprisingly without intimacy, he just isn't into that which is okay with me. How your code of behavior of just sabotaging doesn't really add enjoyment to daily living and seems a tad immature like something kids on the playground do. Don't take offense, this is just my opinion. If you don't need a partner, then don't be with one, just sabotage random strangers, one nite stands, whatever makes you happy in life, no more judgment here.

 

[TheName]

I guess my one person that l have known for years, we gel well together. We don't like to argue. I have always worked for his success. He thanks me now for his current job because l called a ton of places to get him into a great place. Am l different then the usual partner, yeah, probably. We also have a lot of great experiences, scuba diving, parasailing, skiing, dude ranch, exploring life, listening to each other and surprisingly without intimacy, he just isn't into that which is okay with me. How your code of behavior of just sabotaging doesn't really add enjoyment to daily living and seems a tad immature like something kids on the playground do. Don't take offense, this is just my opinion. If you don't need a partner, then don't be with one, just sabotage random strangers, one nite stands, whatever makes you happy in life, no more judgment here.

Great to read You have partner You enjoying things together etc.
I don't take offense and Yes it seems immature, I've been called that many times.
But, avoidance like PDA it's a disorder to avoid demand I'm afraid and as childish as it might sound, it's a real struggle.
I think by avoidant type in this thread You meant avoiding social situations. I meant PDA which is avoiding pretty much anything that put demand/pressure on You. I know there is people out there who has enjoying relationships with PDA but now I don't think this thread is about that.

 

[TheName]

I guess my one person that l have known for years, we gel well together. We don't like to argue. I have always worked for his success. He thanks me now for his current job because l called a ton of places to get him into a great place. Am l different then the usual partner, yeah, probably. We also have a lot of great experiences, scuba diving, parasailing, skiing, dude ranch, exploring life, listening to each other and surprisingly without intimacy, he just isn't into that which is okay with me. How your code of behavior of just sabotaging doesn't really add enjoyment to daily living and seems a tad immature like something kids on the playground do. Don't take offense, this is just my opinion. If you don't need a partner, then don't be with one, just sabotage random strangers, one nite stands, whatever makes you happy in life, no more judgment here.

Sabotaging was just an example to give a bit insight how PDA works on a person. It's not done by choice and have nothing to do with any codes of behaviour.

 

[Aspychata]

Sabotaging was just an example to give a bit insight how PDA works on a person. It's not done by choice and have nothing to do with any codes of behaviour.

This is educational for me. I may know someone like that and not really understand him. I also go through hating demands as such, however maybe it's not so severe or l have changed. So what's the best way to deal with someone like you? I have read up somewhat on this particular disorder. And it's very hard for me to discuss anything with this particular individual because he does come from a place of throwing up his PDA. Then l am caught feeling very hurt and confused because l am not sure how l think l triggered him in someway. So basically l discuss nothing with him, in the hopes of not triggering him but in reality it's PDA.

 

[TheName]

Sorry I just found it funny whe You asked "So what's the best way to deal with someone like you? Everyone is different. There is no recipe to cook a PDA friend or lover.
There is two types of PDA. Active and passive. What do You mean "throwing up his PDA"?

 

[Aspychata]

He does get upset and bent out of shape when l talked about commitment. His PDA reared its head after me seeing him for 5 years and asking about more of a semblance of a relationship. I basically can't ask him anything because of this. Like nothing. So a relationship with him has been a learning experience. I felt he was just wired this way, and l understand it because l can easily feel put out the same way about requests from others, l guess l just work it out and think thru it. I am first upset about it, then l factor in the person's true intentions, then l push myself thru it and feel relieved once l am thru it. It's a process is how l would describe it to deal with an aversion of requests from somebody. I truly can have aversion to just about anything however it's a process l just think thru. I guess he is passive. I am also passive. Are you active or passive? I am asking because l do like to understand him. He is quite remarkable to be with, and we both are alike in some regards.

 

[Aspychata]

He throws his PDA up at anything that makes him uncomfortable. It's a protective method that functions as shield to protect him from relationships.

 

[TheName]

I'm really sorry but "throwing out" it's not my thing. Now in regards to passive vs active I figured that
Connection with other "significant" other is more important than actually sabotaging or creating avoidance techniques as I would already create Bond/trust with this person. I'm passive so will not or would quickly learn by "try and learn" tactique, without showing reasonable signs of making this person being afraid, like physical or emotional threat, but rather "back off" technique to avoid demand of "having a difficult talk".
Now
Imagine Your partner asking himself instead.
Is she here for good reasons or just trying to make me feel good to do the right thing?
I do believe that avoidance type based on profile is like polarity.
Active Vs passive.
Using physical attributes Vs Suppressing them

To recognise both types, ultimately You would have to put both of them in position where they have no option but to break/have a meltdown.
As long as for active type avoiding social situations will result in using any type of advantage, including physical attributes, without questioning the consequences, passive type would consider that, but would still be more likely as a way of weighing Down the options, consider superiority of the consequence.
Both types, active or passive have two things in common, it's constant feeling of going opposite to the direction shown. Involuntary and against their will, inexplicable and against feeling the other person.
Now, if we are happy on our own, why constantly looking to change it? Why constantly trying to understand the other person and ultimately leave the other person the f.... alone?

Well I hope You can analyse the above and take pointers from it in regards of PDA and relationships.

 

[Aspychata]

I'm really sorry but "throwing out" it's not my thing. Now in regards to passive vs active I figured that
Connection with other "significant" other is more important than actually sabotaging or creating avoidance techniques as I would already create Bond/trust with this person. I'm passive so will not or would quickly learn by "try and learn" tactique, without showing reasonable signs of making this person being afraid, like physical or emotional threat, but rather "back off" technique to avoid demand of "having a difficult talk".
Now
Imagine Your partner asking himself instead.
Is she here for good reasons or just trying to make me feel good to do the right thing?
I do believe that avoidance type based on profile is like polarity.
Active Vs passive.
Using physical attributes Vs Suppressing them

To recognise both types, ultimately You would have to put both of them in position where they have no option but to break/have a meltdown.
As long as for active type avoiding social situations will result in using any type of advantage, including physical attributes, without questioning the consequences, passive type would consider that, but would still be more likely as a way of weighing Down the options, consider superiority of the consequence.
Both types, active or passive have two things in common, it's constant feeling of going opposite to the direction shown. Involuntary and against their will, inexplicable and against feeling the other person.
Now, if we are happy on our own, why constantly looking to change it? Why constantly trying to understand the other person and ultimately leave the other person the f.... alone?

Well I hope You can analyse the above and take pointers from it in regards of PDA and relationships.

Not trying to change anyone, more just trying to understand. I am quite resistant to just about everything, but l also work it out so l try to be in the present. However, l can easily check out because l am that way.

I would love to be in my own. But female, sadly means l can't be alone, right now, because it would take two years to explain.

 

[paloftoon]

I do think people need space, but for me personally, many avoidant types I run into lack good communication skills and many people I've been with seem to say this because they aren't interested in said person (they aren't honest). But, they won't be like this with other people- so you know. . . .

 

[Prometheus]

I definitely identify with avoidant personality. I like solitude. I like my own space. I'm not interested in relationships, though I have forced myself in the past to take an interest, but I find most woman are fake shallow superficial, and I get disillusioned quickly. It could be me, maybe I think too highly of myself, or have unreasonable standards, of how things should be. I think I just want to read books and be all intellectual. I find , when you are in intellectual mode, which is analytic mode, it is quite different from when you are in the other mode. Which is lust mode. It's a whole different way of perceiving the world. Also I notice as you get older, you get fatter, soon I will be like bluto from animal house. If I was interested in romance, which I'm a not. I would fall in love with somebody who is self-reliant, intelligent, and lacks any attractive accomplishments or beauty. Meaning, I like ugly girls, the uglier the better, hot chicks too..I like it all. None of us are perfect. And I'm such a shy unassuming type, humble and easygoing, that it's easy for females to take advantage of me. So on that note, I think I'm gonna take a vow of celibacy.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

Whatever floats your boat. It is what it is and I have a feeling that should you connect with somebody, it would not go well for them. Humble? I think not.