Avoidant type in regards to relationships

[Aspychata]

I'm just saying as ultimately as "avoidant person" I would first of all avoid admitting my avoidance. Then when You think about relationship as a person You experienced it Yourself, You realise that You stuck at square one. Attachment grows from the moment You trust, then You realise whether You admit it or, I'm already in it and there is no way I would come out with my avoidance because of attachment and being unable to control avoidance techniques which are always the ultimate explanation to everything. I think, we should be really careful with relationship and bonding with other people unless You can primarily accept and Infor other person of Your avoidance profile.

First l would like to say, thanks for thinking about this. I can tell immediately these types because they are just as standoffish as l am in relationships, that's your first clue. We truly don't have to confess anything to each other. The signs are there. In fact the more intense the passion, the more we back away, another big clue right there. Because we are easily threatened in relationships. The other clue is we aren't in any hurry to classify the relationship to any certain degree, it can just infinitely exist with no label. Like my co-workers say how long you have known him? Are you getting serious? Then comes the judgements, why are you seeing him? I want to say, who cares? What's it to you? I can't say, l have an avoidant personality, l don't feel threatened with this *freindship*. Hope this makes sense because many people aren't like this.

 

[Mr. Stevens]

First l would like to say, thanks for thinking about this. I can tell immediately these types because they are just as standoffish as l am in relationships, that's your first clue. We truly don't have to confess anything to each other. The signs are there. In fact the more intense the passion, the more we back away, another big clue right there. Because we are easily threatened in relationships. The other clue is we aren't in any hurry to classify the relationship to any certain degree, it can just infinitely exist with no label. Like my co-workers say how long you have known him? Are you getting serious? Then comes the judgements, why are you seeing him? I want to say, who cares? What's it to you? I can't say, l have an avoidant personality, l don't feel threatened with this *freindship*. Hope this makes sense because many people aren't like this.

Wow, you described my brother so well. I don't experience the same thing, so thanks for helping me understand him better.

 

[TheName]

So right to the basics.
Avoidance meaning we doesn't deal with demand well. Sometimes we can't deal with it at all.
Relationship is a commitment, a both ways demand to feel certain way, exceptions from both sides, less or more at different stages. But it creates demand, even relationship itself it's a social expectation. As an avoidant person with ASD who doesn't understand clues and signs from the other people very well that, getting in relationship is something that You should really consider beforehand. (In my case hehe I would only allow other person in my life if she jumped me from behind and cast some spells or drug me heavy so before I know, I'm hers lol)

 

[Aspychata]

To me, every relationship is a success because you learn something and take it to your next interest be it friendship or relationship. So I don't like people judging relationships as failures or successes, they are always a little of both, until both of you have agreed it doesn't suit or help you grow anymore.

 

[Aspychata]

So right to the basics.
Avoidance meaning we doesn't deal with demand well. Sometimes we can't deal with it at all.
Relationship is a commitment, a both ways demand to feel certain way, exceptions from both sides, less or more at different stages. But it creates demand, even relationship itself it's a social expectation. As an avoidant person with ASD who doesn't understand clues and signs from the other people very well that, getting in relationship is something that You should really consider beforehand. (In my case hehe I would only allow other person in my life if she jumped me from behind and cast some spells or drug me heavy so before I know, I'm hers lol)

Too funny.
My avoidant friend definitely throws up voodoo walls to keep me back. And l respect that. I don't see relationships as a commitment, and maybe that is my failing. I see it as an intrusion on my personal space and time. So l already started out in the red before it gets off the ground. Or l have a severe avoidant personality like the first two posts that l listed above.

 

[TheName]

To me, every relationship is a success because you learn something and take it to your next interest be it friendship or relationship. So I don't like people judging relationships as failures or successes, they are always a little of both, until both of you have agreed it doesn't suit or help you grow anymore.

And that's good to read from You it's just proves how healthy and strong individual You Are
Any sort of avoidance is a serious disorder though (I'm dealing with PDA since I was a kid). Attachments in relationships and the way people with avoidance see it are different though. Healthy person would just go on and learn and let go etc... In my experiences, attachment in people dealing with avoidance took some lives out there.(3 I knew personally ) Relationships/ friendships was always unpredictable in effects, cause of anxiety, depression and suicide to name the few effects of people with avoidance dealing with relationships/friendships.

 

[TheName]

Too funny.
My avoidant friend definitely throws up voodoo walls to keep me back. And l respect that. I don't see relationships as a commitment, and maybe that my failing. I see it as an intrusion on my personal space and time. So l already started out in the red before it gets off the ground. Or l have a severe avoidant personality like the first two posts that l listed above.

I like the voodo bit lol funny

 

[TheName]

Too funny.
My avoidant friend definitely throws up voodoo walls to keep me back. And l respect that. I don't see relationships as a commitment, and maybe that my failing. I see it as an intrusion on my personal space and time. So l already started out in the red before it gets off the ground. Or l have a severe avoidant personality like the first two posts that l listed above.

Being honest, from what I read? You are autistic person who looks for relationship

 

[Aspychata]

Being honest, from what I read? You are autistic person who looks for relationship

Actually l am not looking for a relationship, my cooktop is quite busy already. Am l an avoidant personality type? Very much so. Sorry to disappoint you.

This post is to discuss issues that we run into dating other people. Yes, it's a serious disorder and it has caused me issues in my lifetime, l just don't bring those issues here.

 

[Aspychata]

And that's good to read from You it's just proves how healthy and strong individual You Are
Any sort of avoidance is a serious disorder though (I'm dealing with PDA since I was a kid). Attachments in relationships and the way people with avoidance see it are different though. Healthy person would just go on and learn and let go etc... In my experiences, attachment in people dealing with avoidance took some lives out there.(3 I knew personally ) Relationships/ friendships was always unpredictable in effects, cause of anxiety, depression and suicide to name the few effects of people with avoidance dealing with relationships/friendships.

In response, l think l mask very well, which is one way to get thru life.

 

[TheName]

Actually l am not looking for a relationship, my cooktop is quite busy already. Am l an avoidahaha sorry to disappoint You. nt personality type? Very much so. Sorry to disappoint you.

This post is to discuss issues that we run into dating other people. Yes, it's a serious disorder and it has caused me issues in my lifetime, l just don't bring those issues here.

In response, l think l mask very well, which is one way to get thru life.

Masking isn't good at the end of the day.

 

[TheName]

Actually l am not looking for a relationship, my cooktop is quite busy already. Am l an avoidant personality type? Very much so. Sorry to disappoint you.

This post is to discuss issues that we run into dating other people. Yes, it's a serious disorder and it has caused me issues in my lifetime, l just don't bring those issues here.

It is serious disorder. Not sure Why You should be thinking of me being disappointed in any way? But hey, once I was asked to put my name as a nick name, so I did, I put : The Name... (Me and Cluedo not a good friends)

 

[Aspychata]

Masking isn't good at the end of the day.

As a female, you have to mask to survive life, there are no other options.

 

[TheName]

As a female, you have to mask to survive life, there are no other options.

Fair enough, I'm a male lol (I had to Google "Cooktop") did You think I'm up for free food? Lol

 

[Aspychata]

Fair enough, I'm a male lol (I had to Google "Cooktop") did You think I'm up for free food? Lol

Oh dear. I was just adding some humor. Go to the church, they do have food banks. But my guy loves my cooking, maybe that's my only talent in life. Lol

 

[TheName]

I sincerely wanted to pick up on this thread just because You mentioned avoidance and relationships. Very interesting. Not sure what You meant throughout but it's me.
In my opinion, masking is the worst factor if it comes to both of them combined.

 

[Aspychata]

It's a interesting topic. I do feel beat-up because l don't need a relationship, however l am stigmatized and men look to take advantage of me if l am single. So we do have to be in relationship to be free of men who are desperately seeking a relationship on any level. I have really felt that in the place l currently live. I have a long-term interest back in my life, and l still am hounded by other men. So as an avoidant, it's a very distressing aspect to me, to have to push away men.

 

[Wolfnox]

The general differences between men and women (always exceptions to the rule) are interesting to me.

The topic and behavior differences between men and women has to do in part with how men and women typically interpret and respond to intimacy. Your topic and your comment I've quoted is timely in relation to information I've been learning about on the subject recently.

What caught my attention in your comment is the fact that in general the level of engagement (ie distant or actively engaged), feeling of closeness (ie distance vs. closeness), etc that men feel toward their female partner is tied to physical intimacy or lack thereof. Most recently I've learned from watching Youtube videos put out by licensed therapists, psychologists, etc that an extended (or permanent) lack of physical intimacy in a romantic relationship is subconsciously confusing to a man to the degree that it's common for a man to start to view his previously romantic partner as a platonic roommate and starts to act accordingly; the altered view/feeling is completely unintentional on the man's part. In short, many (most?) men apparently stop thinking of their mate as a romantic partner if/when romance ends in the relationship. As a man myself, this reality seems so logical that any surprise about the reality of it is a bit amusing to me.

As such this is at least one reason men can become distant in relationships that have a significant change in regards to physical intimacy. It's a fact that people act differently toward their romantic partner than they do a friend, roommate, relative, co-worker, etc.

Perhaps a concise way to put it would be that it seems to be "in the wiring" that generally a man ends up thinking of his mate more as a friend than a lover if there's no longer any physical intimacy in the relationship. This change could be the "distance" you refer to in such cases.

Or to put it even more succinctly, musician Aldous Harding is correct in her song: Passion Babe, when she sings: "Passion must play or passion won't stay".

That's big for me. If there is no physical touch. Not necessarily sexual. A hug or being in contact with a woman. I wouldn't consider them "real" to me as in a relationship. It's a big thing for me to have from a girlfriend slash wife. Yet, so much evil has been done it's easy to get into trouble. Another reason I've been depressed.

 

[TheName]

Oh dear. I was just adding some humor. Go to the church, they do have food banks. But my guy loves my cooking, maybe that's my only talent in life. Lol

And it's a big talent! Cooking, having meals together is a big part of relationship, especially when You live together.
Now I'm not sure although in regards of this thread and avoidance. See below, this is type of avoidance I'm dealing with:

https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/diagnosis/pda/autistic-adults

 

[TheName]

And it's a big talent! Cooking, having meals together is a big part of relationship, especially when You live together.
Now I'm not sure although in regards of this thread and avoidance. See below, this is type of avoidance I'm dealing with:

https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/diagnosis/pda/autistic-adults

One of the things in relationship was that when depressed or demand was too high I would become very sensitive to touch and refuse or even paranoid that someone could touch me. Including my partner. I would rather leave the house just so I'm not in vicinity of possible hug etc. It was apparently hugely hurting the other person feelings causing relationship to deteriorate.