The chaos feels like it has subsided. My unhappiness feels distant. My heart feels like it beats to a different tune. My mind feels clear of the tormenting dark fog that ailes it. I can focus. I can see more than before. Like taking off a blindfold.
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'Jury deliberations explode in my Subway sandwich.'
This was what was made up in my head from reading a news headline about a trail of someone who chokeheld a person in a subway for threatening people.
Have not listened to this in very long time.
1 degree Celcius, here for last few days, not great for my left foot painful until I get back into house You may like it. DId not mind before stroke, lots of outdoor activity.
I am finding that cold weather is my element. I feel the most motivated when it's chilly. I'm the polar opposite with heat. Especially when it get particularly above 70°F. All I wanna do I hide in a cool, dank place. Away from the sun and temperature.
I feel ready. Ready to face myself. It seems to actually be harder to justify my old way of... existing. The more I chip away at my old habits. The more it feels like I am getting control back. Control I didn't know I lost.
Does anyone relate to this?
I talked to a psychiatrist today. After the questionare to get an idea of what needs to be done. I talked a little with her and got a prescription for a low side effect medication for anxiety. I feel so much better doing this.
Today is a cold and snowy day. The high for today looks to be 28°F(-2°C). Just been a quiet day, with little to do other than watching some college football.
It's cold again this morning. This is the second, or maybe third, consecutive day of being around 20°F (-6°C).
It's specifically 27°F (-2°C) right now.
I have a lingering disgust in myself. Something that hangs in my mind like a mist. It's a feeling I have had for a long time. Though never this strongly. Maybe my inner conscience is breaking through the boggy mess of my mind.
Today has definitely gone better. I feel accomplished in what I was apart of. And now I hope to have more of the same tomorrow.
Though in the end. It's truly in God's hands.
Starting Monday, I'll be setting up to start taking anxiety meds hopefully. This is the first step towards leveling out the chaos in my head.
I find each day is a struggle to smaller or larger extents. For either similar reasons to before, or for different reasons all together.
Either way. I aim to overcome them. -
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