I'm rocking back and forth in a train station bathroom stall. I've been travelling for almost 24 hours. There are so many people. It's so loud. I'm tired. My boyfriend's in a crappy mood. It's so loud.
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I just had a meltdown. It has been a long and extremely hot day, and my mother-in-law kept talking on and on about an apparent misunderstanding we've had (according to her), with a lot of emotional subtext. I couldn't handle it anymore. Now I'm really tired.
I am so exhausted, my body feels so heavy and my brain is clouded by fog. It's probably hangover from having been so anxious the past few weeks. Now I'm not anxious anymore but I still have to work on a project. I feel like my body and brain are close to shutting down.
I've got a job interview in about 10 days! I'm so excited that I'm shaking! I'm going to get veeery nervous, but right now I'm just excited!
I know I am a grown-up and all, but sometimes I really want to cuddle up in my childhood bed at my parents' and just be small again. Being a grown-up is scary and exhausting.
How can people be together and talk for 8 hours straight? I fled for half an hour in between and I still feel like my brain is fuzzy, my hands are ice-cold and I want to cry. And they're still as relaxed as can be, just a bit tired but still very much sociable.
I'm close to a tearful meltdown and need to put on my social mask at any moment. I don't know how I'm supposed to do it...
I discovered a pretty effective way to deal with loudness and fighting at my family home: covering my ears as soon as someone starts. Retro, but it does help.
Does someone else absolutely love to make lists and create detailed schedules and routines but then never sticks to them? Creating the schedules is so much fun on its own.
I threw away 3 full bags of my old things at my parents' place. My old room looks so much better now! I'm really proud of myself. For once, I broke the clutter paralysis.
I'm on family visit and while it's nice, I have to keep reminding myself that I am an adult, not a child, and my family doesn't have to understand or like all my decisions, and I don't have to explain myself if I don't want to. Now please, brain, believe all that.
Bad day today. Sensory overload, no motivation whatsoever, and low mood. Time to stay in bed with a book (or several). I hope tomorrow will be better.
I was just at a dinner with a friend and her family. It was very nice but I am DEAD right now. I am so worn out, I could fall asleep this second. Talking, smiling, listening, noises, smells, light... it was so much
Anyone else's skin feels prickly and uncomfortable each time they're sick, and especially when they're running a temperature? Usually, I have no problems with skin sensitivity, but right now, it feels like everything prickles and touch is uncomfortable. It's always been this way. Interesting phenomenon.
Thank god for text messages! The person I worked with for the past 2 months just said goodbye to me unexpectedly before leaving, and I just managed to smile and nod but was somehow socially blocked for more because I was caught off guard. So I sent a message with the things I wanted to say.
I just managed 10 normal push-ups for the first time! Also, I can highly recommend to watch "Schitt's Creek" - it's hilarious, deep and lovely, and has some (inofficial) ND characters whose portrayals I just love.
My family reacts to my increasing unmasking by suggesting a head scan because "suddenly noises bother you when they didn't before". I want to scream that they always bothered me, I just never showed it. I know they mean well, but those reactions make me angry and hurt me. I don't want those suggestions. Sorry for ranting.
One of the dogs at the place I am right now might die soon (we found a nasty-looking tumor). I've only known the dogs for a month but I've grown attached, and I'm really sad about it. It's dog paradise here, he surely had a wonderful life, but I am still very sad.
I just told my sister about my autism diagnosis. Her reaction: it doesn't surprise her. I don't know how I feel about that right now
Some days are just "such days". Bad mood without a real reason, quickly feeling insufficient, sad and anxious through only minor triggers. But well, tomorrow'll be a new day. Maybe it's just a day to curl up with a book. -
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