Goodbye, faithful friends of mine, goodbye chaotic family, goodbye evil blue prison planet called Earth, I will not miss this evil and hatefully apathetic world one bit. Maybe if I'm lucky God will have mercy on my poor, battered soul.
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Thank you all, AutismForums, special thanks to @tree , @Aspychata , @AGXStarseed , @Nitro , @Luca and everybody else that has found their way to a conversatjon with me somehow. Trust me, it's better for everybody that you guys don't end up meeting me in person somehow.
You all have been so kind and generous to me all these years and I am forever grateful that you guys gave nothing but support and love for the decade I was alive to socialize with everybody here, but it would seem that I fiught the good fight, but the good fight finally won.
...so what does it matter? What does it matter if I even do manage to redeem myself from all of it? The habit is too deeply rooted in there to discard away, and even if I did manage to stop the habit, Im just going to find myself doing it all over again anyway. It really is true what Charles used to say about me I really am genuinely hopeless and I should have already figured that out a decade ago.
...done it too many times to my own family and I already can't live with that as it is. I do not want to make my little sister grow up without her big brother by her side the whole way but I just simply cannot mentally afford to sit there and tolerate what is now my new life experience; it is obviously going to be this way forever until either I die naturally in some way anyway or my mother or Charles or both dofirst
I am giving up and I am serious as a heart attack in the operating room this time. I have finally made up my mind and have to decided to make a serious plan to kill myself and I am going to work on it every day until I am successful. I am so, so sorry to leave you all behind like this because I don't want to hurt anybody like that but i have already done it too many times
After tonight it has officially become clear to me that my life is legitimately NEVER GOING TO CHANGE. My happiness is erased, destroyed, gone, my faith in Jesus Christ and the Christian God has now completely left me and is gone forever. My family will not practice being peaceful, they will not let me redeem myself or clear my name, I have been permanently branded an outlaw by the people i thought werw closest to me
UUUUGH I WISH I COULD GET MY MUM TO ORDER ME A BULK SUPPLY OF DELTA 8 OR SOME FORM OF W E E D
Mmhf, I stayed up too long. I'd go get to bed and let Aloe wrap me up.
Welp, I'm suddenly back into tabletop RPGs again , this time it's coming from a neat surprise from our roommate Jennifer giving me a case full of sci Fi miniatures
Time to find some character sheets for Savage Worlds 
Therapist decided to do hypnotherapy today. Induction was a week long state of calmness. Yay ....Man, I'm drowsy.
I had a dream last night where Aloe helped me have an epiphany. At long last I had an epiphany about my true Inner Self and why I was born to be Gifted like I am, why my birthstone, Amethyst, is one of the Walls of Heaven (now how do you get THAT kind of luck?!), and why people from church always say I am "very special"... At last I found an answer...
Hyu~uoh, watakushi o nero wa jikan de shikashi na desu yo...
I'LL TAKE A POTATO CHIP
AND
E A T I T
Aloe, Violet, Celeste & a school of glowing Tetra: Last seen watching after me
Here comes that wave of gloominess that haunts me each day... But this time, even without smoking a bowl, and even after neglecting to take my meds (read: lost them again...), Somehow I'm able to fight it away!
I hear Aloe in the background of it all. She's proud of me, I can tell. The sound of her chuckling with proud happiness... It... Has such a healing quality to it.
Somehow as bad as I'm being battered by life, I still have some kind of will to fight.
KumoCMD++MinecraftRadionicEnergyFieldSystemAddon (This is a special aura field frequency manifestation system I got from listening to a special YouTube "subliminals affirmations bundle" video which contains specially-made binaural beats/radionic/quantum sound frequencies that works to cause cells, energy in your body, your 3rd eye, pineal gland and even your own DNA to begin firing, spinning, toggled on and active
I couldn't sleep for about 2-3 days because of my evil stepfather deciding to confront me about money I never stole and being thrown into heart endangering hysterics over insisting I did, and only now after I woke up today fully rested thinking it was still morning, and seeing my phone's clock say it was actually 3:26 PM, I missed my appointment once again, through no fault of my own.
Do people like me just reach a point in their lives where they just live through nothing but bad, just terrible luck and get harassed by their own fathers and have fingers pointed at them every day for things they KNOW they never actually did, and it just goes on forever? When you live through constant misfortune like that does it just last the rest of your life?! -
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