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24 yr son at home

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M

Mrs.Cut

Active Member
i have been desperately looking for a forum to discuss my son, and I hold this is the correct forum!

My aspire son is 24 and is living at home. Not to mention all the other challenges we have with him, the one I’m trying to deal with is his masturbation while I’m at home. There are times when his door is open just a bit and passing by I see his feet on the bed, wondering if he fell asleep. No such luck. He’s looking at his phone and masturbating. He’s told me he’s addidicted to porn, but his dr believes it’s a bad habit.

Today I went nuts, yelling at him. I don’t know how’ve to deal with this. He had stopped for a few months when my hub made it aware to him.

Please help!
 
"He had stopped for a few months when my hub made it aware to him."

Stopped what?
Leaving the door open?

Or, theoretically stopped looking at porn on his phone
as a masturbation assist?
 
I'm curious — who pays for his phone service? If you do, then you're enabling him. Cut off his service. Who bought the phone? Did you? Then take it away from him. Your house, your rules.

If he is paying for the service, and bought his own phone, then he most likely has a job. If that's the case, then kick that 24-year-old fledgling out of the nest. Here's a link where he can enlist in the Army.

(The pile-on begins in 3...2...1...)
 
You could just. y'know. stop invading his privacy.

What if he walked in on you masturbating then later told his friends about it. Made a huge deal of it. Grabbed a mega phone and went into the neighborhood yelling "my moms masturbating!" Then one of his friends brought it up with you.
You'd probably want to crucify him.

You deal with this by being a normal person and respecting your sons privacy. Yelling at him for doing a basic thing that almost all humans do? questionable.

Stop spying through that tiny crack in the door... It's that simple to fix.
 
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I am a bit confused, he is a 24 yeard old adult. Why can't he masturbate when he so pleases? Hell I masturbate 4-5 times a week (TMI, I guess) and would be mortified if my mother ran into my room, without my permission, and yelled at me.

Masturbating hurts no one. Just don't walk into his room?
 
Beguiling Orbit said:
@Hdphn33 and @Dorkasour — you're trying to impose your moral standards on @Mrs.Cut by criticizing hers. If she thought masturbation was acceptable, then she wouldn't have presented it as a problem. Her house, her rules.
Click to expand...

I see no indication stating that this user is against it except the statement "The doctor said it was bad". Doesn't mean it's a house rule. Doesn't show any of her beliefs on it. Except "the doctor said". Point out where it says it's her moral standard? Could easily be seen as an issue of control and not morals.

If that is the case. Then something like
"So, as a rule in my house we don't masturbate"
should be included in the post.

if not. If she just doesn't want to see that. Then the solution is simple.
 
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Hdphn33 said:
I see no indication stating that this user is against it except the statement "The doctor said it was bad". Doesn't mean it's a house rule. Doesn't show any of her beliefs on it. Except "the doctor said". Point out where it says it's her moral standard? Could easily be seen as an issue of control and not morals.

If that is the case. Then something like
"So, as a rule in my house we don't masturbate"
should be included in the post.
Click to expand...
Whether she is or not, your telling her that she needs to be "a normal person" and that her actions are "questionable" is pretty disrespectful.
 
I think the real issue here is the mess he makes afterward. If he's ejackulating in bed and you as the parent have to clean up after him. Then yes, I can see this as a big issue. But if he's not or is wearing a condom to contain it. Then I say just close the door and let him be. He ain't hurting anything.

OMT: if he is ejackulating then have him move his business to the shower.
 
Please forgive me as I was a bit upset and may not have been clear, as I now see my misspellings and perhaps not making sense. Some of you are being a bit harsh on me!

For one thing, I am not invading his privacy. His door is open when he does this. It's not something a mom wants to see. Who wants to see or know their son is doing this? Yes it's normal, but not for a mom to see on a number of times. Also, when his door is closed, I knock, and all he says is "yeah?" so I think it's safe to open the door and there he is.

Please forgive me. I know aspies have difficulty with social cues, etc, but I'm not sure if this is normal not thinking of the others, in the house.

I thought this was a support forum not a bashing forum. I was crying this morning, not just from seeing what I saw, but my son can be hard on me, and constantly wants to harass me.

Thank you for the people who wrote some kind words, and some advice. May I add...his doc didn't say it was bad, he believes it's a habit and not an addiction.
 
Is there another forum for moms with adult sons with aspie? I don't think this is the one for me. I have searched and can't seem to find one. Thanks
 
@Mrs.Cut

You mentioned other challenges regarding your son's behavior.
Can you describe some of them?

On the most basic level, keeping the door shut when he is
having private time, seems the simplest. The two of you
don't seem to be communicating if, as you say, you knock,
he says "yeah" and taking this as an invitation, you enter & encounter
him masturbating.

At what age level does your son function?
 
I should at least try to be helpful. Can you install a knob with a lock and establish it as a rule to lock it when he's doing his business? Do you have that much control over your own situation?
 
He treats me with disrespect and very condescending towards me. He likes to poke his finger on me, such as my head and arm to annoy me. Likes to call me by my name. As the age he acts, that is difficult. He’s very immature! Let’s say my 21 yr old is so much more mature.

He does have a lock on his door. And tonight we certainly will be talking about this after his work.

I feel this shouldn’t be done when someone is home during the day. I certainly wouldn’t. Isn’t this common sense in someone’s home? Am I expecting too much?
 
Sounds like the real issue is his being 24 years old and at home. You're probably concerned about his job prospects, school or future??? His masturbation probably disgusts you, as it would for any parent catching their child doing this, but it's not the real issue perhaps? Maybe you're concerned that his masturbation is keeping him from fulfilling his duties in life. He would probably agree with you which is why he told you he's addicted. If that's how he feels he probably needs an intervention. Maybe switch doctors and look for resources for porn addiction. And by the way, addiction and masturbation are not "autistic" issues/traits.
If he intentionally leaves his door open so that you see him, he could be an exhibitionist? Or maybe he's just to lazy to close his door? Maybe he's just disrespectful, rebellious or passive aggressive or all of the above. In either case, its something you need to work out with him because he is still living at home, and the issue is more about your relationship than autism. I don't know any autistics who would want their parents to catch them masturbating, I think it'd be mortifying for both parties!
 
Mrs.Cut said:
For one thing, I am not invading his privacy. His door is open when he does this. It's not something a mom wants to see. Who wants to see or know their son is doing this? Yes it's normal, but not for a mom to see on a number of times. Also, when his door is closed, I knock, and all he says is "yeah?" so I think it's safe to open the door and there he is.
Click to expand...

My advice:

1. Tell him the door absolutely must be closed if he's masturbating. If it's easier for him, just tell him to always close his door when he's in his room.

If he can't remember to close his door, make him buy one of those hydraulic door closing things like the ones they have on screen doors (or something similar) and install it on the door in his room. If this is not possible for some reason (like if you rent your home and can't even put holes in the walls) maybe have him put up a curtain in the doorway? (The curtain idea is not mean as a substitute for a closed door, just as a kind of failsafe.)

2. Since you know he has trouble with boundaries like this, just always knock. Always. Door open a crack, door closed completely, always knock.

3. Since you know that your son saying "yeah" doesn't mean "come in", explicitly ask him "Is it safe to come in?" or "May I come in?" before actually just walking into his room.

(Answering "Yeah" without meaning "come in" is not an ASD thing, it is an individual thing. Among my family and most of my friends "Yeah" just means "Yes I am in here, and I've heard you knocking, why are you knocking/what do you want?" and if the person knocking wants to come in, they ask "May I come in?" or "Are you decent?" or something like that.)

Alternatively, maybe he could learn to say something else when he is doing something private in his room, but you may have to give him a script for it. (Something vague like, "I'm busy right now".)
 
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