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24 yr son at home

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Mrs.Cut said:
He treats me with disrespect and very condescending towards me. He likes to poke his finger on me, such as my head and arm to annoy me. Likes to call me by my name. As the age he acts, that is difficult. He’s very immature! Let’s say my 21 yr old is so much more mature.

He does have a lock on his door. And tonight we certainly will be talking about this after his work.

I feel this shouldn’t be done when someone is home during the day. I certainly wouldn’t. Isn’t this common sense in someone’s home? Am I expecting too much?
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After reading what you've shared, I'm more bothered by his total lack of respect for his mother. Being an Aspie doesn't mean he has a right or carte blanche to treat you disrespectfully. That seems to tie in with his lack of discretion.

To be brutally frank, I don't believe I could tolerate such disrespect. I'd either show him the door or the back of my hand.
 
Every person on the spectrum is different. I'm a 26 year old Aspie and I moved out of my parent's home at 17 because I like my privacy and prefer my own space. I can't imagine living with my mom at 24. But it seems like many people take it too easy on their Aspie children but what if I told you Aspies arent disabled and that your son might be taking advantage of your kindness? If you assumed he was disabled as a child and never disciplined him he might not have the life skills he could've had to make it out on his own. Of course this is merely speculation.

As for pleasuring himself just make it clear that the behavior is inappropriate and if it continues he either can close the door or he has to leave. Also make a list of demands that include finding employment and saving up for his own place and help him work out a budget.
 
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Please forgive me. I know aspies have difficulty with social cues, etc, but I'm not sure if this is normal not thinking of the others, in the house."

My nephew has aspergers and he's said the most awful things to his mother. Sometimes I think mother's take the brunt of the abuse and with some aspergers I think it can be particularly challenging. I really feel for you and your struggles and I hope he matures. I would suggest seeing a licensed marriage and family therapist (lmft), because they understand aspergers and how it can affect family members and should have tools to help you deal with your son and cope with a very difficult situation. At the very least they can offer emotional support.

I thought this was a support forum not a bashing forum. I was crying this morning, not just from seeing what I saw, but my son can be hard on me, and constantly wants to harass me.

I'm sorry to hear your son is doing this to you. I don't think you are doing anything wrong, I think that when kids have frustrations in their lives the first one they vent on is their mother. It is not healthy for your relationship that he is doing this, but because he is an adult its difficult to influence his choices. Was he always like this? Is something triggering this behaviour, maybe something at his work? Does he have any friends?
 
It's interesting that your son said he was "addicted" to porn. Watching porn releases dopamine into the brain, like a hit of cocaine so it might be the dopamine flooding his brain that he actually feels he is addicted to. Either way, what he's doing by not locking his door or doing it in the shower as someone else mentioned, or at least in private, is totally inappropriate! Masturbation is natural and normal, doing it in front of your mother is not!

I would also be concerned about the fact that being obsessed about online porn is giving your son the idea that what happens in a pornstars 'repertoire' is what he can expect from a girlfriend. He may struggle to differentiate between porn being a job and paid employment for the actors and a fantasy, with the reality of sex in a loving relationship. If he tries to act out what he sees on screen with a lady, he may either be sadly disappointed that his expectations don't meet the reality, or quickly shown the door. Both confusing messages for someone who struggles with cues and social and intimate interaction. Too much porn for young men can also cause some of them to think of women as objects and to have little respect. His poking you with his finger and calling you by your name are examples of that.

If your son told you he was addicted to heroin or alcohol, and a doctor said it's just a bad habit go away and sort yourself out, that wouldn't be good enough. Well, he's told you he's addicted to porn, it's clearly causing problems in his life and behaviour, and your home, so if it was me I would also be looking for help for him. If he won't accept the help or as a minimum be respectful to you and your rules, then it might be time to suggest at 24 he's old enough to find his own place where he can do what he wants.

You might find this article interesting-

Was I Actually 'Addicted' to Internet Pornography?
 
I don't see that there is a problem with the fact that he masturbates in itself - it's no different to what 99% percent of the population do, including probably the doctor who told you it was bad for him. Masturbation in itself is unlikely to do any harm, but I do agree that it is a problem if it is interfering with other aspects of his life, that it's running up the phone bill, or he's not getting out of the house because of it. I also agree that it is something he needs to do in private, he needs to understand that it is a private activity and nobody wants to see that. As long as he is living in your house he needs to respect boundaries, and the boundaries need to be fair and clearly set out. Masturbating with the door open or poking you in order to provoke you is disrespectful, I wouldn't tolerate that. Having ASD is no excuse not to respect others. I would definitely want to be having words with him about it.
 
I sympathize with you. My 27 year old autistic nephew, who is unemployable and lives at home with his mother, does the same thing. He also keeps his hand shoved down his pants playing with himself while he watches TV at my house. Every time I catch him doing it at my house, I gently but firmly tell him that he must do that only at home in the privacy of his room with the door closed, and I insist he wash his hands because he is getting germs from his penis all over my couch and anything else he touches. He's getting a lot better about not doing it at my house, and as soon as I see that hand sliding toward his pants, I remind him that he must do that only in his bedroom at his home, not at my house.

Masturbation is certainly a universal human activity, but some autistics don't understand the social norms and mores that surround it. The failure to recognize the inappropriateness of publicly masturbating IS a problem with some autistics.

I agree with others who suggest you take away his phone (make sure you explain exactly why you are taking his phone) or maybe you can block the porn websites he visits. Please do something about his access to porn as the habit/addiction of masturbating to porn can escalate and lead to some really bad stuff such as child pornography or S&M websites.

His disrespect for you needs to end now. I'd start by telling him to NEVER touch you without your permission. Since he loves his phone, you might take the phone away from him for an appropriate length of time every time he is disrespectful. Eventually he'll understand that there are consequences for bad behavior, which may take a long time as failure to recognize consequences of one's actions is a common autistic trait.

I'm sorry you experienced some harsh words from people here. It has happened to me, too. It's usually the same few ones who get upset when a neurotypical person such as myself comes to this website seeking advice or offering suggestions or just joining in a general discussion. Please don't let it get to you as most people here do not have that knee jerk reactionary prejudice (autistic grudge) against NTs.

Good luck. Let us know what you end up doing and how it works out.
 
One option for addressing the porn addiction is to set up a filter on the wifi. Another option would be your son not having his phone in his room. He might not like it, but if he’s serious about breaking this addiction then he needs to be willing to take some serious action.
 
Beguiling Orbit said:
Whether she is or not, your telling her that she needs to be "a normal person" and that her actions are "questionable" is pretty disrespectful.
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So you want me to correct my "projection" of "moral standards" based on your perception of my words by imposing your own moral standards upon me...
Ok. Sure. Agree to disagree.
I didn't mean for it to be disrespectful i just don't know how to put what i was saying in a super nice way. o_O

For the record, i didn't say i do or don't support that habit. There is no projection there since that moral standard doesn't exist. Done the no fap challenge. Done tantra. Also masturbated often. I know the benefits and draw backs of each. Hence. No moral standard. But it's a choice a person must make for themself. Aspie's are on the higher end of the spectrum and easily capable of making a decision like this. It's just a wide spread and common thing people do. Wired into the human physiology. An instinctual drive. Like how people feel hungry and eat. Or breath. If someone came on here saying their adult aspie son or daughter wouldn't eat Onions for example yet it makes them gag and throw up and the person wants to force feed them you shouldn't be offering them advice on how to force them to eat it. On how to pry their jaw open and shove it in.Unless the proper details have been disclosed. Otherwise you might be facilitating and encouraging abuse.
 
If anyone feels a need to have a back and forth
conversation, I remind you that Private Conversation
is available.

The OP's topic is a situation involving her 24 year
old son. Let's direct attention back toward that.
 
ac75 civil.png
 
From reading your original post I hadn't realized that he was doing this out in the open. I apologize. He does need to respect your boundaries.

My brother likes to put his hands in his pants all the time as well and he is 32. I often just ask him to not to because it makes me uncomfortable and he stops. I find that being direct and to the point with my brother works best. Maybe try that?

My brother also gets away with alot of disrespectful behavior because my mother doesn't lay those boundaries down strong enough.
 
Mrs.Cut said:
i have been desperately looking for a forum to discuss my son, and I hold this is the correct forum!

My aspire son is 24 and is living at home. Not to mention all the other challenges we have with him, the one I’m trying to deal with is his masturbation while I’m at home. There are times when his door is open just a bit and passing by I see his feet on the bed, wondering if he fell asleep. No such luck. He’s looking at his phone and masturbating. He’s told me he’s addidicted to porn, but his dr believes it’s a bad habit.

Today I went nuts, yelling at him. I don’t know how’ve to deal with this. He had stopped for a few months when my hub made it aware to him.

Please help!
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Is his dad around? Does he have a positive male role model in his life?
 
For various reasons, it can be very easy for an aspie male to fall into porn addiction, hell I think that it is easy for an NT male to fall into as well. On one hand it is his body to what he wants, on the other hand, it isnt healthy for the brain/sex organs. Studies have shown that it alters the brain and re-programs your body to respond to real life sex in that manner which leads to porn induced ED. In any case, you deserve alot more respect than what he is giving you, you should put your foot down that if he doesn't stop disrespecting you then the phone is being turned off and the wifi (if there is one) locked. If he keeps it up then you will put him out. I know that it is tough to do, but being an aspie is no excuse for treating your mother that way.
 
@Mrs.Cut
I can relate to this because I'm 21 and I live with my parents. I have a job, I pay my phone bill and I go to school and at times I get accused of being a freeloader and for things I didnt even do. I got fights and screaming matched with them, even they threaten to call the police on me if I blow up at them again but thats another story. I still try to treat them with respect and especially during this low point of my life that I am going through right now. I masturbate whenever they are not around out of respect and I even lock my door until Im done, but as of lately I dont do it that often because its like your son said, its an addiction. It seems that your son is a freeloader who doesnt aspire to be much. I go out and try to get it and that means staying out of the house most of the time, and I am definitely not trying to be 30 and still in my parents house, I have ideas for things I want to do and I know what I want to do for my first real job, I made mistakes and I wasted time but everyday, Im still working towards earning my degree and my independence. Either tell him to get a job or leave because the disrespect is very high in this situation.
 
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Beguiling Orbit said:
I'm curious — who pays for his phone service? If you do, then you're enabling him. Cut off his service. Who bought the phone? Did you? Then take it away from him. Your house, your rules.

If he is paying for the service, and bought his own phone, then he most likely has a job. If that's the case, then kick that 24-year-old fledgling out of the nest. Here's a link where he can enlist in the Army.

(The pile-on begins in 3...2...1...)
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Aspies in the Armed Forces? How about no? I know I couldn't do it even though I'd possibly thrive under the regimented way of living.
 
I say make a rule that if he's doing his business make sure the door is shut.. We people on the spectrum have sexual needs as well, expecting him to just repress those needs is absurd in my opinion... Doctors obviously don't know everything, nor do I know the whole story, only your frustrated point of view.. Also going crazy and yelling at him seems counterproductive as well. You need to help him understand that while what he's doing is natural, he needs to do it in a private place i.e. in his room with the door shut. Another option is to stop peeking in on him, give him space...
 
Mrs. Cut,

This hits close to home for me. I have seen this. I am not comfortable giving specifics about that but, I feel compelled to add my two cents here. Your doctor is wrong. Maybe he is addicted to porn too, who knows. It certainly seems there is a porndemic in America nowadays with the internet making it so easily obtainable. I agree with every word that Starfire said. Having the personal experience with someone like your son, I have to say that it is your job to fix this as his mother. You could potentially let loose a sexual predator. I don't know your son. But, I know what porn addiction can do to an aspy who already can't properly understand social cues. And I know that the human body can become addicted to the production of excessive amounts of the "feel good" hormones and neurotransmitters that it produces through orgasms or other activities that can become addictive... You have heard of "adrenaline junkies" or "obsessive eaters." Those are not nearly as bad as an aspy who has normalized the behavior portrayed in porn. It's not enough to lay down the boundaries. You need to get him into a therapist that understands this! Before he gets into S&M or Pedophilia. Because the nature of porn addicts is to go for stronger and stronger stuff. Just like a drug addict. Your body builds up a tolerance and then you crave a harder, bigger dose! Try to find more information on the study of porn addiction. The internet is a treasure trove of information. Just try to keep to the facts. There is a lot of bias about this subject. A lot of opinion, a lot of offended people and bias. So, yeah. Please get him some help.

And don't let him objectify you. Explain to him in no uncertain terms WHY it's bad for him, why it's bad for you and why it's bad for society. Put your sensitive feelings aside and explain, explain, explain!!! That's how you deal with an aspie.
 
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