Advice and help required.

[RRokh]

Hello,


I'm a 38 year old man who is having some major issues in his relationship currently.

I got diagnosed with Asperger's approx 12 months ago and it was a great feeling of relief for me. It's helped me understand many things about myself and my partner was great at supporting me.

However not long after my diagnosis I cheated on my partner. I don't think it's caused by my Asperger's, but I think my masking or socialising skills and for lack of a better word, my routines are what enabled it to happen.

I had an incident with a coworker. Someone I had been friendly to for quite some time and found out interested in me, I also found out that someone who is a bit of a rival for lack of a better word was interested in her. I made seem to recall making it a challenge to "win" and do something that he couldn't with her.

We chatted for probably a few weeks before hand and she invited me back to her place after work and walk her home. That's when it happened. I immediately hated myself and decided I wouldnt repeat anything with her. I didn't tell my partner and I continued to string along the other woman and gave her false hope because I simply couldn't face telling her I was never really interested.

Fast forward 12 months and the coworker has seeked my partner out and told her about this, to make things more complicated we was having my parents and sister over for dinner at the same time it happened.

I have a long history of cheating and moving from one partner to another but almost always being in a relationship. I made the decision to break that cycle this time, I didn't want to move on to someone else. I had found my "the one". It's now all falling apart very fast because of my behaviour and inability to be honest about it.

We have been fighting and talking for I think 2 days now. We have barely eaten on slept. I'm hanging onto my relationship by a string and I don't want to let it go.

Back at the very startnof our relationship I stupidly kept messaging people about meet ups etc, but never followed through with any of it as I really wasn't interested in anyone. It was just a habit, it took a long time for me to convince my partner and to get an Asperger's diagnosis to get her to stick by me. But I've broken that trust again over something really silly and I just couldn't see the consequences even though I should have.

Can anyone please give me some advice or share similar experiences of having autism or Asperger's and habitual cheating. I think I understand now why I started that cycle all those years ago, but I don't know how to end it and keep who I thought was my future wife.

If anyone can help me I'd be eternally grateful. I just want to be able to understand why I did what I did

 

[jleeb05]

This sounds like a very difficult situation. Is it possible that relationships/search for relationships are a special interest for you? I wanted a relationship for years and when I had one I noticed that I had difficulty stopping the search. Even though I was content in the relationship it had become habitual. I would not engage with anyone but was always looking. Eventually, I just had to delete them all and remind myself of what I was risking.

On one hand, I don't think that being on the spectrum makes someone more prone to infidelity. On the other, I actually relate to the difficulty you expressed in telling your co-worker that you were not interested. I've never cheated but also have only had one significant relationship. When I was in my relationship, I was hanging out with a friend with whom I had a previous intimate relationship. I intended the encounter to be purely platonic but clearly, my friend had other thoughts in mind. I had a very difficult time getting up the nerve to tell him that I was in a relationship and probably let things go further than they should before I finally blurted it out.

I've also had experiences where I've felt that I engaged in sexual activity that I had no interest in, simply because I was too embarrassed or it felt too awkward to tell the person, "No." Sometimes I felt guilty because I felt that I had led the person on. I'm the type of person who might invite someone over on a Saturday night to "Netflix and chill" and really just expect us to watch Netflix and chill. Finally, one guy told me, "I don't go over to anyone's place this late at night unless we're having sex." That's when it hit me that I might be inadvertently sending the wrong message.

So yes, I think that being on the spectrum might have contributed to the issues you described though I don't think it necessarily excuses them. While knowing I'm on the spectrum allows me to understand myself better and have compassion, I try to own my mistakes. I don't think I'm doomed to repeat them. In fact, one of the reasons I didn't think I had autism was because I've learned and grown. A lot of the profiles of ASD leave out our ability to develop better social adaptions over time.

Explaining how your autism might have contributed to this situation may be helpful but certainly won't take away the hurt and pain your girlfriend is experiencing. At the end of the day, I'm not sure how much she cares about why you did it, just the fact that it happened. For your relationship to survive, I think you'll have to show that you can overcome/control the social "deficits" that might make you more prone to infidelity. A relationship requires trust and almost certainly cannot survive without it.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

I could have a long discussion about all the known posterior pituitary hormonal (oxytocin and vasopressin) issues that can significantly affect social bonding in some autistics,...that I do have,...but, as a married man of 35 years,...you broke some pretty serious rules. I wouldn't expect anyone to give you a pass for the excuse,..."I am autistic".

I will say that it often takes 2 to have a bad relationship. Poor communication and poor mutual support are common. If one and/or the other fails to have good communication and/or doesn't make an effort to lift the other up emotionally,...things are going to flounder and fail. That new person who enters the picture is typically going to shower you with compliments and make you feel good,...for a while,...then reality sets in, life happens, and this is when communication and mutual support become of increasing importance.

Ask yourself,..."Do I feel better about myself when I am around this other person?",...and then, the more important question,..."Does the other person feel better about themselves when they are around me?" If the honest answer is NO to either one of those questions,...you've got a problem that needs addressing. Communication style needs to be agreed upon, as well. If you are autistic and speak in direct language,...and she is neurotypical and speaks in indirect language,...there is going to be problems if the right hand doesn't know what the left hand is doing. Get that sorted out.

My guess is that somehow, you need to hit that imaginary "reset button". I wouldn't expect anyone to give you forgiveness or trust after cheating on them.

 

[ForestGumpett]

Hello; I do not believe that infidelity has anything at all to do with Aspergers whatsoever.

I do think that some people cheat and some don’t. Why I don’t know. I have never done it and know both men and women that never would. I’ve known men and women that were siblings of the same people that can do it again and again. I’ve had a best friend that never could be faithful to a man, ever. My own brother was never faithful to a woman. Again, I don’t know why.

I’m sorry it happened to you and your sad. The way I would work on it would involve my faith in Christ, so if your not Christian then my way wouldn’t work. If your interested then send me a PM they have rules here about where you talk about Christian values and I respect that.

I will pray for you, and your family as I’m sure this has hurt more than just one.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

So, you possess social skills that let you bed women, which is far better than the lack of which many here possess. This has nothing that I see that relates being ASD to what you did. It is all about being a Putz. You just have destroyed any trust your partner had in you. You have demonstrated to her that she is not sufficiently desirable, and your relationship takes a backseat to your selfish desires. Because there is one thing that I am certain about is that, unlike the performance of stocks, WITH PEOPLE, PAST PERFORMANCE ABSOLUTELY PREDICTS FUTURE RESULTS.

Be a mensch and walk away and let her heal in peace, or is this just one of your must-win-at-all-costs storms? [added] I wish I could be frank with my anger here, but what I would write about that crap-fer-brains would be an unending stream of profanity worthy of a DI. My father was a DI in WWII and this acorn didn't fall far from the tree. Plus, don't blame ASD for your character deficencies and lack of ethics.

 

[jleeb05]

So, you possess social skills that let you bed women, which is far better than the lack of which many here possess. This has nothing that I see that relates being ASD to what you did. It is all about being a Putz. You just have destroyed any trust your partner had in you. You have demonstrated to her that she is not sufficiently desirable, and your relationship takes a backseat to your selfish needs. Because there is one thing that I am certain about is that, unlike the performance of stocks, WITH PEOPLE, PAST PERFORMANCE ABSOLUTELY PREDICTS FUTURE RESULTS.

Be a mensch and walk away and let her heal in peace, or is this just one of your must-win-at-all-costs shitstorms?

Woah, woah, woah. This is a new member. He comes in peace. He acknowledges that he made a mistake and is looking to better understand himself. I don't think we need to pile on.

 

[RRokh]

This sounds like a very difficult situation. Is it possible that relationships/search for relationships are a special interest for you? I wanted a relationship for years and when I had one I noticed that I had difficulty stopping the search. Even though I was content in the relationship it had become habitual. I would not engage with anyone but was always looking. Eventually, I just had to delete them all and remind myself of what I was risking.

On one hand, I don't think that being on the spectrum makes someone more prone to infidelity. On the other, I actually relate to the difficulty you expressed in telling your co-worker that you were not interested. I've never cheated but also have only had one significant relationship. When I was in my relationship, I was hanging out with a friend with whom I had a previous intimate relationship. I intended the encounter to be purely platonic but clearly, my friend had other thoughts in mind. I had a very difficult time getting up the nerve to tell him that I was in a relationship and probably let things go further than they should before I finally blurted it out.

I've also had experiences where I've felt that I engaged in sexual activity that I had no interest in, simply because I was too embarrassed or it felt too awkward to tell the person, "No." Sometimes I felt guilty because I felt that I had led the person on. I'm the type of person who might invite someone over on a Saturday night to "Netflix and chill" and really just expect us to watch Netflix and chill. Finally, one guy told me, "I don't go over to anyone's place this late at night unless we're having sex." That's when it hit me that I might be inadvertently sending the wrong message.

So yes, I think that being on the spectrum might have contributed to the issues you described though I don't think it necessarily excuses them. While knowing I'm on the spectrum allows me to understand myself better and have compassion, I try to own my mistakes. I don't think I'm doomed to repeat them. In fact, one of the reasons I didn't think I had autism was because I've learned and grown. A lot of the profiles of ASD leave out our ability to develop better social adaptions over time.

Explaining how your autism might have contributed to this situation may be helpful but certainly won't take away the hurt and pain your girlfriend is experiencing. At the end of the day, I'm not sure how much she cares about why you did it, just the fact that it happened. For your relationship to survive, I think you'll have to show that you can overcome/control the social "deficits" that might make you more prone to infidelity. A relationship requires trust and almost certainly cannot survive without it.

Oh.my.god. so much of what you said here makes so much sense to me.

I've persued relationships my whole life and never ever stopped till this last year really. There have obviously been times that I've not done it becuase I have been focused on other things, but it has genuinely driven me for a large part of my life.

That changed i recent years and I found other things to focus on and a partner or chasing relationships became single minded for me. I spent years practising and trying to be "perfect" just to have someone. It didn't even matter who that person was a lot of the time till the last few years after I had a major life changing incident. It obviously changed me in many ways but it never occurred to me that my special interest could be this.

 

[1ForAll]

Most societal members would have no problem with anyone jumping from date to date, if you want to fulfill some habit or other need. But, when you are in a committed relationship, and stray, nothing you say or do from that point on anytime soon will usually convince that other it will not happen again and/or that you truly cared. So, it will be up to that other how to proceed. If they end it, see this as a valuable lesson, that accountability occurs for big wrongs in life.. If they want to give you another chance, be grateful, but do do not expect the relationship will be as strong as before, and expect that you will have to show your love to her much more than before.

My problem with your situation is you used the word "But I've broken that trust again over something really silly....' Cheating is not something silly. It's probably the second worst thing one can do in a relationship, besides abuse, though some might debate me there. I understand you were not married, so in that regard I do not think there is no chance things could not work out, but I just think the decision will be hers obviously whether to give you another chance, after going through all those stages of emotions, and after seeing how you respond to her now, and in the days upcoming. You seem sincere though, and wanting answers and to understand and to make thing work long term. So, that's a good start.

 

[RRokh]

So, you possess social skills that let you bed women, which is far better than the lack of which many here possess. This has nothing that I see that relates being ASD to what you did. It is all about being a Putz. You just have destroyed any trust your partner had in you. You have demonstrated to her that she is not sufficiently desirable, and your relationship takes a backseat to your selfish needs. Because there is one thing that I am certain about is that, unlike the performance of stocks, WITH PEOPLE, PAST PERFORMANCE ABSOLUTELY PREDICTS FUTURE RESULTS.

Be a mensch and walk away and let her heal in peace, or is this just one of your must-win-at-all-costs storms?

I apologise for the double post but I'm phone posting.

I really appreciate what you mean, but please understand this is not a win at all cost thing. I understand exactly what I did and how she feels and I am devastated that I did this. I want to fix it. I feel like the everything would be better if I just gave up and died sometimes tbh but I've already worked through that with this thing.

I hate how she's feeling right now and it's my fault. I want to understand why I did it and how to prevent it again.

I do have a therapy triage session booked for tomorrow as I want to do everything I can. I just am literally on my own. She can't support me as she has her own stuff obviously right now. I'm looking for advice because I have nobody else to turn to.

I may have learnt the correct scripts to "bed a woman" as you put it. But I didn't learn the scripts on relationships, family or friends. I'm honestly trying my very best to undo my messm

 

[RRokh]

Most societal members would have no problem with anyone jumping from date to date, if you want to fulfill some habit or other need. But, when you are in a committed relationship, and stray, nothing you say or do from that point on anytime soon will usually convince that other it will not happen again and/or that you truly cared. So, it will be up to that other how to proceed. If they end it, see this as a valuable lesson, that accountability occurs for big wrongs in life.. If they want to give you another chance, be grateful, but do do not expect the relationship will be as strong as before, and expect that you will have to show your love to her much more than before.

My problem with your situation is you used the word "But I've broken that trust again over something really silly....' Cheating is not something silly. It's probably the second worst thing one can do in a relationship, besides abuse.

I meant it was silly to me. Not to her. It meant nothing to me except a silly challenge really. It's an awful thing to do but it's sad that it was for something so little and petty

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

I apologise for the double post but I'm phone posting.

I really appreciate what you mean, but please understand this is not a win at all cost thing. I understand exactly what I did and how she feels and I am devastated that I did this. I want to fix it. I feel like the everything would be better if I just gave up and died sometimes tbh but I've already worked through that with this thing.

I hate how she's feeling right now and it's my fault. I want to understand why I did it and how to prevent it again.

I do have a therapy triage session booked for tomorrow as I want to do everything I can. I just am literally on my own. She can't support me as she has her own stuff obviously right now. I'm looking for advice because I have nobody else to turn to.

I may have learnt the correct scripts to "bed a woman" as you put it. But I didn't learn the scripts on relationships, family or friends. I'm honestly trying my very best to undo my messm

I know dissembling when I see it. Do the woman a favor and don't ever think you can fix this. Just leave. Those were deliberate decisions you made, own them and recognize that you have no ethics.

 

[RRokh]

I know dissembling when I see it. Do the woman a favor and don't ever think you can fix this and just leave. Those were deliberate decisions you made, own them and recognize that you have no ethics. .

Dude, I mean no disrespect. I really don't. But please I'm incredibly fragile right now. I didn't do it deliberately. I have a very messy upbringing as I'm sure a lot of people here do. I spent 38 years pretending I'm someone else and I only just started to really feel like I could be me with her and I didn't even know who I was till it happened. I thought I knew myself but it turns out I didn't at all.

 

[jleeb05]

Oh.my.god. so much of what you said here makes so much sense to me.

I've persued relationships my whole life and never ever stopped till this last year really. There have obviously been times that I've not done it becuase I have been focused on other things, but it has genuinely driven me for a large part of my life.

That changed i recent years and I found other things to focus on and a partner or chasing relationships became single minded for me. I spent years practising and trying to be "perfect" just to have someone. It didn't even matter who that person was a lot of the time till the last few years after I had a major life changing incident. It obviously changed me in many ways but it never occurred to me that my special interest could be this.

I believe there are a few threads on here about relationships as special interests. They might be helpful to read. When I had my assessment last month the clinician agreed that relationships/searching for them was likely one of my special interests. Like you, it's something I've spent a lot of time on throughout my life. Even other interests/pursuits like education, career, posessions, fitness were partly influenced by my perception of how much they would help me attract a mate.

This might partly explain why you jump from relationship to relationship. If you have some idea in your head about the ideal relationship or partner that you've crafted over your lifetime, it can be hard to deal with the fact that our relationships and partners are inevitably imperfect. Once this realization sets in, the search starts again.

It may not be easy to break this pattern but I believe that you can. It first means only entering relationships with people you feel are right for you and then reminding yourself that you are risking that relationship every time your eye wanders or you stray.

Besides from therapy which I recommend for everyone it might be helpful to engage in fantasy. Daydream, read, watch shows/movies/even porn (if necessary) that might help satisfy your interest without being unfaithful. They even have fake dating apps now where you can "chat" with fictional characters.

Whenever you're struggling, just remind yourself of how you feel right now at this moment and how you made your girlfriend feel. Let that motivate you to never do it again.

 

[1ForAll]

I meant it was silly to me. Not to her. It meant nothing to me except a silly challenge really. It's an awful thing to do but it's sad that it was for something so little and petty

Yes, I knew you meant you yourself thought that was silly, but by you thinking it was silly she could think you are downplaying the severity of doing what you did as most persons when they stray, and even before they do such, could think of it being an unforgiveable offense, but they are willing to take the risks nevertheless. The fact they hide what they did or are dishonest about things often until that truth was revealed shows they know it's unacceptable to do. In your case, I do think part of your condition could be involved in not knowing how that could affect her. It might not make it easier for her knowing that, but she likely knew prior some with Asperger's could have difficulties in expressing or understanding their own and/or other's thoughts, feelings, emotions, intentions, and any proper social etiquette, for at least some things.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

Dude, I mean no disrespect. I really don't. But please I'm incredibly fragile right now. I didn't do it deliberately. I have a very messy upbringing as I'm sure a lot of people here do. I spent 38 years pretending I'm someone else and I only just started to really feel like I could be me with her and I didn't even know who I was till it happened. I thought I knew myself but it turns out I didn't at all.

I couldn't give a more meaningless crap right now about your fragility. You take an ethical failing, with multiple decisions along the way and you say it isn't deliberate AND you look at ASD for an answer for your lowly screwup.

Until now I have been supportive in this community but you have slimed past an ethical line for me in your selfish actions, not owning your failings, and not obeying the first rule of holes.

 

[RRokh]

I know my failings. It's exactly why I'm here and eternally grateful for the people who are offering me advise.

On reflection I do think that relationships are my special subject but it goes a little longer or deeper than that. It's also sex.

I have a pretty low sex drive except at the start of a relationship, when I'm trying to "be the best" or try my hardest or whatever.

I remember as a child my dad let me put imagines of topless women all over my walls, I don't think I was any older than 10/11 and I just remembered making a decision then to make sure that I was good at sex and planning it all out even before I knew what it really was, crap. I wasn't even that familiar with a woman's anatomy at the time and I remember some of the absolute stupid things I "worked out" then and how I'd be good at it more than anyone else.

Holy crap. I can't believe I did that. I remember the time I made that decision.

 

[unperson]

This sounds more like a personality disorder, borderline maybe, you can have co-morbid PD stuff with autism. I think they call it 'lack of object constancy', if it's like you forget about them as soon as they're out of the room.

Welcome to the site anyway.

 

[Kalinychta]

I’ve never heard of promiscuity and repeated cheating as being associated with autism. Not at all. Your behavior sounds more like sex addiction to me. Have you looked into the symptoms of sex addiction?

 

[jleeb05]

Sex is a complex topic. I have no doubt that it could also be a special interest for some. I can't say it was one for me but I was fairly interested in reading about puberty and sex when I was younger. I remember reading books about puberty and telling friends and family what I had learned...which is terribly embarrassing in hindsight. I even purchased sex guides as a teen. I too wanted to make sure I did it right. But for me, it was more of an academic exercise. I've always had a relatively low interest in having sex. At least compared to peers.

Though the prevailing stereotype is that people on the spectrum are asexual or have low sex drives, sexuality is itself a spectrum and people with ASD can be found all throughout. I believe I've read that some people on the spectrum, particularly men, may prefer to express their feelings through sex rather than through verbal communication. I'm not sure how true this is.

The following is from Psychology Today so take it with a big grain of salt. That said, although you mentioned having a low sex drive maybe you'll relate to some of this analysis:

"Hypersexuality, and paraphilic fantasies and behaviours, have been found to be more common in adult males with ASD than in neurotypical people; some researchers have hypothesised that the restricted interests and repetitive behaviours commonly seen in ASD may transform into sexualised behaviours in adulthood. Furthermore, a sensitivity to sensory stimuli, in particular touch, can lead to an over- or under-reaction to sexual stimulation."​

 

[RRokh]

I’ve never heard of promiscuity and repeated cheating as being associated with autism. Not at all. Your behavior sounds more like sex addiction to me. Have you looked into the symptoms of sex addiction?

Im not claiming ASD is the reason for it by any means. I'm not making excuses or looking for anything other than some advice and guidance.

As I've said, I typically have a very low sex drive. It's always been more serial monogomy with me..

I want to break the cycle.