Advice and help required.

[Kalinychta]

Im not claiming ASD is the reason for it by any means. I'm not making excuses or looking for anything other than some advice and guidance.

As I've said, I typically have a very low sex drive. It's always been more serial monogomy with me..

I want to break the cycle.

Perhaps you should look into seeing a therapist who specializes in impulse control and addiction. Whether or not autism is the culprit behind your behavior, lack of control over your urges is the problem.

But lying is another problem you have. You cheated on your partner and didn’t tell her. The only reason she knows is because the woman you had sex with sought her out. You should have told her immediately. I get the feeling you weren’t planning to tell her at all, and you wouldn’t be upset right now if she had never found out. That’s extremely dishonest, and if I were her I would dump you in a heartbeat.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

Woah, woah, woah. This is a new member. He comes in peace. He acknowledges that he made a mistake and is looking to better understand himself. I don't think we need to pile on.

Mistake? MISTAKE??? He took a relationship and used it for toilet paper because he couldn't keep his pecker in his pants? That is as far from a mistake that one can get without crawling back up his own rear end.

He is a liar. He isn't ashamed about what he did, who he hurt. He is ashamed at getting caught.

 

[Kalinychta]

Mistake? MISTAKE??? He took a relationship and used it for toilet paper because he couldn't keep his pecker in his pants? That is as far from a mistake that one can get without crawling back up his own rear end.

You’re hilarious! Ha!

It’s actually the lying that bothers me far more than the sex. Not only did he sleep with the woman, he kept in contact with her for a year afterwards because he “couldn’t face” telling her that he was never really interested (that’s what he told himself anyway…probably he was just afraid that she’d tell his partner). And he didn’t say a peep about any of it to his partner, not once.

If I were with a man who cheated on me but had the integrity and decency to tell me about it immediately and explain that he’s always had an impulse problem when it comes to sex, I would consider staying with him. Perhaps. But if he lied to me for a whole freaking year and kept on seeing the other woman as well, then I would never want anything to do with him ever again. Good riddance.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

You’re hilarious! Ha!

It’s actually the lying that bothers me far more than the sex. Not only did he sleep with the woman, he kept in contact with her for a year afterwards because he “couldn’t face” telling her that he was never really interested (that’s what he told himself anyway…probably he was just afraid that she’d tell his partner). And he didn’t say a peep about any of it to his partner, not once.

If I were with a man and he cheated on me but had the integrity and decency to tell me about it immediately and explain that he’s always had an impulse problem when it comes to sex, I would consider staying with him. Perhaps. But if he lied to me for a whole freaking year and kept on seeing the other woman as well, then I would never want anything to do with him ever again. Good riddance.

AND, he claims to be good at relationships. He has taken any semblance of trust and nuked it. Not only that, but did a flemenco on the intimacy he had and whipped his partner with its limp corpse. He is only playing the victim for being caught at his duplicitous (not safe for families), not for what he did.

 

[Kalinychta]

AND, he claims to be good at relationships. He has taken any semblance of trust and nuked it. Not only that, but did a flemenco on the intimacy he had and whipped his partner with its limp corpse. He is only playing the victim for being caught at his duplicitous (not safe for families), not for what he did.

You’re cracking me up haha! But yeah, you’re right. He should probably drop the “poor me” attitude also. He’s not the victim here…his partner is.

 

[ForestGumpett]

I couldn't give a more meaningless crap right now about your fragility. You take an ethical failing, with multiple decisions along the way and you say it isn't deliberate AND you look at ASD for an answer for your lowly screwup.

Until now I have been supportive in this community but you have slimed past an ethical line for me in your selfish actions, not owning your failings, and not obeying the first rule of holes.

AMEN! +100. Thank you for raw honesty, bout time somebody says it.

The OP is pure Narcissistic if I’ve ever seen it, cares only for themself. This thread about them prolly gives him a trickle up his leg, those kinds of people love to talk about themselves.

Thanks @Gerald Wilgus for such honesty and saying what is true, it’s very refreshing!

 

[jleeb05]

Mistake? MISTAKE??? He took a relationship and used it for toilet paper because he couldn't keep his pecker in his pants? That is as far from a mistake that one can get without crawling back up his own rear end.

He is a liar. He isn't ashamed about what he did, who he hurt. He is ashamed at getting caught.

Mistake, decision, choice, whatever you want to call it, he acknowledged that his behavior was wrong. I'm not condoning it but I think we can dispense hard truths and tough love without name-calling, viciousness, and cruelty. The way you're acting, I could mistake you for the one that's been cheated on.

@RRokh I think part of the reason your post has touched such a nerve with some of us is that many of the spectrum, myself included, struggle to form any romantic attachments. As I mentioned, I've only recently had my first significant relationship and I'm 34. That's despite actively seeking one from a very young age.

It seems that you have been lucky enough to have romantic relationships but have for some reason sabotaged them with infidelity and lies. You have something that many of us desire but once you have it, don't seem to treat it like you value it. I also suspect that many of us have felt victimized or mistreated by others at various points in our lives, as such, it's easy to identify with your girlfriend and the pain she must be experiencing.

That said, I think it's unfortunate that some of us feel the need to attack, make fun, name call, and attempt to drag you through the mud. None of us know you personally and therefore our opinions regarding your character, conditions, etc., are based on very limited information. So I hope you take them with a grain of salt.

I agree with you and others that the way you treated your relationship and your girlfriend was shameful, destructive, and extremely problematic. However, it seems that you are trying to understand yourself, your actions, and what role, if any, your autism had in this situation. I commend you for that. Whether or not your relationship can be saved is ultimately up to your girlfriend but I hope this forum and other resources can help with your introspection.

 

[Kalinychta]

Mistake, decision, choice, whatever you want to call it, he acknowledged that his behavior was wrong. I'm not condoning it but I think we can dispense hard truths and tough love without name-calling, viciousness, and cruelty. The way you're acting, I could mistake you for the one that's been cheated on.

@RRokh I think part of the reason your post has touched such a nerve with some of us is that many of the spectrum, myself included, struggle to form any romantic attachments. As I mentioned, I've only recently had my first significant relationship and I'm 34. That's despite actively seeking one from a very young age.

It seems that you have been lucky enough to have romantic relationships but have for some reason sabotaged them with infidelity and lies. You have something that many of us desire but once you have it, don't seem to treat it like you value it. I also suspect that many of us have felt victimized or mistreated by others at various points in our lives, as such, it's easy to identify with your girlfriend and the pain she must be experiencing.

That said, I think it's unfortunate that some of us feel the need to attack, make fun, name call, and attempt to drag you through the mud. None of us know you personally and therefore our opinions regarding your character, conditions, etc., are based on very limited information. So I hope you take them with a grain of salt.

I agree with you and others that the way you treated your relationship and your girlfriend was shameful, destructive, and extremely problematic. However, it seems that you are trying to understand yourself, your actions, and what role, if any, your autism had in this situation. I commend you for that. Whether or not your relationship can be saved is ultimately up to your girlfriend but I hope this forum and other resources can help with your introspection.

I reckon we may be overdoing the sarcasm just a tad perhaps. But the OP’s post is rather outrageous, and I don’t think we’d be doing him any favors if we coddled him. He lied and lied and lied and lied for a year to his partner. He slept with a woman just to send an “I’m the alpha dog here, bro” message to a co-worker. He then strung the woman along for a year. And did I mention that he lied and lied and lied to his partner? And only posted this thread because he got caught and now has to face the music. I mean, we’d be morally remiss not to inform him in no uncertain terms that he behaved like a royal douche bag.

 

[jleeb05]

I reckon we may be overdoing the sarcasm just a tad perhaps. But the OP’s post is rather outrageous, and I don’t think we’d be doing him any favors if we coddled him. He lied and lied and lied and lied for a year to his partner. He slept with a woman just to send an “I’m the alpha dog here, bro” message to a co-worker. He then strung the woman along for a year. And did I mention that he lied and lied and lied to his partner? And only posted this thread because he got caught and now has to face the music. I mean, we’d be morally remiss not to inform him in no uncertain terms that he behaved like a royal douche bag.

I'm sorry, but I thought this was a forum for people with autism. It was also my understanding that people with autism may struggle with things such as communication, social adeptness, expressing emotion, empathy, etc., which may lead us to be misunderstood or misperceived by others. So when I joined this forum I did so with the understanding that I might see posts from others that to me seemed tone-deaf, strange, or even offensive. I made the decision that in such cases I would do my best to treat the member with compassion, even when I disagreed. I figured that other members, especially those that have been around a while, would do the same.

I mean, give me a break, almost everyone here is looking for understanding and community. To know that they're not alone and not alien. Almost all of us have experienced being shamed, misunderstood, or rejected by others. I would hope this forum to be a safe space to discuss our issues and ask questions. To have others say "I understand" or even "I don't understand." I think we can be firm and even harsh. However, I would hope that we could provide feedback, criticism, and tough talk to each other without crossing the line into bullying. It may not have been intended as such but seeing members name-calling, as well as, make insulting and sarcastic comments toward this guy feels like bullying. I hate seeing that in what should be a safe space.

I agree that coddling does not necessarily help in this matter but I also fail to see the usefulness of sarcasm, and crude comments.

It's not "hilarious," it's bullying. And regardless of what we think of his behavior, it's not right.

 

[Kalinychta]

I'm sorry, but I thought this was a forum for people with autism. It was also my understanding that people with autism may struggle with things such as communication, social adeptness, expressing emotion, empathy, etc., which may lead us to be misunderstood or misperceived by others. So when I joined this forum I did so with the understanding that I might see posts that from others that to me seemed tone-deaf, strange, or even offensive. I made the decision that in such cases I would do my best to treat the member with compassion, even when I disagreed. I figured that other members, especially those that have been around a while, would do the same.

I mean, give me a break, almost everyone here is looking for understanding and community. To know that they're not alone and not alien. Almost all of us have experienced being shamed, misunderstood, or rejected by others. I would hope this forum to be a safe space to discuss our issues and ask questions. To have others say "I understand" or even "I don't understand." I think we can be firm and even harsh. However, I would hope that we could provide feedback, criticism, and tough talk to each other without crossing the line into bullying. It may not have been intended as such but seeing members name-calling, as well as, make insulting and sarcastic comments toward this guy feels like bullying. I hate seeing that in what should be a safe space.

I agree that coddling does not necessarily help in this matter but I also fail to see the helpfulness of sarcasm and comments like, "You f***ed this up yourself, so time to walk away before the f***ity f**k f**k that you are hurts more people, a**wipe."

That’s all very true. Some of the comments went way overboard.

 

[RRokh]

Perhaps you should look into seeing a therapist who specializes in impulse control and addiction. Whether or not autism is the culprit behind your behavior, lack of control over your urges is the problem.

But lying is another problem you have. You cheated on your partner and didn’t tell her. The only reason she knows is because the woman you had sex with sought her out. You should have told her immediately. I get the feeling you weren’t planning to tell her at all, and you wouldn’t be upset right now if she had never found out. That’s extremely dishonest, and if I were her I would dump you in a heartbeat.

I didnt have sex with her. I made sure it didn't go that far.

 

[RRokh]

You’re hilarious! Ha!

It’s actually the lying that bothers me far more than the sex. Not only did he sleep with the woman, he kept in contact with her for a year afterwards because he “couldn’t face” telling her that he was never really interested (that’s what he told himself anyway…probably he was just afraid that she’d tell his partner). And he didn’t say a peep about any of it to his partner, not once.

If I were with a man who cheated on me but had the integrity and decency to tell me about it immediately and explain that he’s always had an impulse problem when it comes to sex, I would consider staying with him. Perhaps. But if he lied to me for a whole freaking year and kept on seeing the other woman as well, then I would never want anything to do with him ever again. Good riddance.

I didn't keep in contact with her. I strung her along for a period after I admit. But I did cut all contact and kept the relationship purely professional after that. It was a period of weeksni believe.

 

[RRokh]

AND, he claims to be good at relationships. He has taken any semblance of trust and nuked it. Not only that, but did a flemenco on the intimacy he had and whipped his partner with its limp corpse. He is only playing the victim for being caught at his duplicitous (not safe for families), not for what he did.

I wish you could see what actually goes on my head as you'd be able to see what you're saying simply isn't true. I wish it was that simple. If I was good at relationships I wouldn't be in the mess I'm in..I never claimed to be good at them either. Truth be told, I treat them all exactly the same. I go from one to the next using the same scripts and the fame formulas. That's not good. It's caused me so many issues over the years and I've never actually attempted to deal with it because it wasn't always apparent to me that it wasn't normal.

 

[RRokh]

Mistake, decision, choice, whatever you want to call it, he acknowledged that his behavior was wrong. I'm not condoning it but I think we can dispense hard truths and tough love without name-calling, viciousness, and cruelty. The way you're acting, I could mistake you for the one that's been cheated on.

@RRokh I think part of the reason your post has touched such a nerve with some of us is that many of the spectrum, myself included, struggle to form any romantic attachments. As I mentioned, I've only recently had my first significant relationship and I'm 34. That's despite actively seeking one from a very young age.

It seems that you have been lucky enough to have romantic relationships but have for some reason sabotaged them with infidelity and lies. You have something that many of us desire but once you have it, don't seem to treat it like you value it. I also suspect that many of us have felt victimized or mistreated by others at various points in our lives, as such, it's easy to identify with your girlfriend and the pain she must be experiencing.

That said, I think it's unfortunate that some of us feel the need to attack, make fun, name call, and attempt to drag you through the mud. None of us know you personally and therefore our opinions regarding your character, conditions, etc., are based on very limited information. So I hope you take them with a grain of salt.

I agree with you and others that the way you treated your relationship and your girlfriend was shameful, destructive, and extremely problematic. However, it seems that you are trying to understand yourself, your actions, and what role, if any, your autism had in this situation. I commend you for that. Whether or not your relationship can be saved is ultimately up to your girlfriend but I hope this forum and other resources can help with your introspection.

Thank you so much. I really appreciate it.

My instinctual thoughts was the same as yours and it's why I've dismissed a lot of the posts attacking me as I feel that the anger in them is misplaced. I have taken blame, I am trying to resolve it and I am looking to learn and heal.

 

[RRokh]

I reckon we may be overdoing the sarcasm just a tad perhaps. But the OP’s post is rather outrageous, and I don’t think we’d be doing him any favors if we coddled him. He lied and lied and lied and lied for a year to his partner. He slept with a woman just to send an “I’m the alpha dog here, bro” message to a co-worker. He then strung the woman along for a year. And did I mention that he lied and lied and lied to his partner? And only posted this thread because he got caught and now has to face the music. I mean, we’d be morally remiss not to inform him in no uncertain terms that he behaved like a royal douche bag.

Do you really think I'm unaware of that. I spent the first 12 of this having a major meltdown. Laying on the floor in the bathroom with a knife in my hand at one point wanting to hurt myself or die. I was crying so much I vomited blood. Please don't think I'm unaware of what's happened because of me. I'm painfully aware.

 

[Booknerd515]

I would move away from her as fast as possible if the only dialogue you are able to have with her is constant fighting. Some of the previous responses on this topic make me really nauseous-the OP is a diagnosed person with Asperger's for Pete's Sake who was possibly majorly abused in their past. I really don't know why that's not been more mentioned in previous comments. The only times I have seen people having difficult in relationships to that point are ones with some sort of major emotional or physical trauma.

If she has shown any signs of emotional abuse to you, that would probably make cheating more likely. Even if you acted on instinct, you may have been suppressing fleeing urges. It seems to have majorly affected your mental state. Ditch any and all communication with her and the person you cheated on and move away from your job to find another one and start over is what I would do. I would not get in any other relationship for a bit of time since they seem to have not worked out so well for you. You need to listen to anything your mental state may be telling you-if you hated yourself by doing that that immensely, that could be suppressing self-hate from other things in your past. Do you remember everything that happened to you when you were younger? It slightly seems to me like it was possible that you had an abusive past even if you may not have been aware of it since you have had that many relationship struggles it seems really worrisome to me.

 

[RRokh]

I don't want to leave. She hasn't been abusive to me I don't think. But I honestly don't know if I'd even recognise it if that was the case.

I've been relationships where I was controlled and abused before and it didn't occur to me till after. I don't think this is the same.

I don't want to lose her, this is the best relationship I've ever had and I don't want to lose my job either. It's taken me over a decade to find a place of work I'm happy and comfortable in again since I lost the last one.

As for my past, I believe I may have been abused. My mother and her sisters were all abused by their father for years. He went to prison for it. I've had so many nights as a kid where I've had to listen to my mum cry and relive the abuse she went though. I don't know if I was ever left alone with him or anything. I remember we visted fairly often then it all stopped.

He use to play with kids toys too, I remember that.

 

[Booknerd515]

@RRokh
Oh I'm glad she didn't abuse you, but I could tell by your wording that you had been before in the past. Your dad deserves to be in prison and I'm glad you're still alive. If you're that comfortable with your job, you can stay in it. That's absolutely terrible what he did. Keep doing what you're comfortable with, I hope your situation improves.

 

[RRokh]

It wasn't my dad. My mum's dad,nmy grandfather's he's long since died though.

My mum said my dad raped her though when I was in the next room one time. I remember knowing something was wrongnand wanting to look after my mum. My dad always denied it after I confronted him though. I've no idea who was really being honest with me.

Strongly suspect it wasn't my dad being honest though

 

[Booknerd515]

@RRokh
Oh ok, that could still be controversial. I'm sorry that that happened to your mom. She does really seem traumatized. Something definitely happened then.