Advice and help required.

[QuestJan]

Most, if not all, of the autistic people I know are fiercely loyal and committed when they're in a relationship.

I always thought I had this character trait because I was raised by dogs. After reading these posts, the dogs (and horse) probably took me under their wings because I already had this trait.

 

[rse92]

He's lucky the other woman only went to his girlfriend and not to human resources.

 

[rse92]

I also doubt he received a diagnosis of "Asperger's" twelve months ago. Twelve months ago he would have received a diagnosis of ASD since Asperger's is no longer in the DSM which his alleged psychologist would have referenced.

 

[QuestJan]

I also doubt he received a diagnosis of "Asperger's" twelve months ago. Twelve months ago he would have received a diagnosis of ASD since Asperger's is no longer in the DSM which his alleged psychologist would have referenced.

Good point. We've been played...

I was DXed long enough ago that I am technically "aspie" and it didn't even cross my mind to be suspicious.

But then, on the other hand, I don't have a suspicious bone in my body. Where'd you buy yours, @rse92?

 

[rse92]

Good point. We've been played...

I was DXed long enough ago that I am technically "aspie" and it didn't even cross my mind to be suspicious.

But then, on the other hand, I don't have a suspicious bone in my body. Where'd you buy yours, @rse92?

I was diagnosed ASD 11 months ago. I am sure I would have diagnosed with Asperger's if the diagnosis was still in use.

EDIT: I don't want to be misunderstood. I respect any valid diagnosis of Asperger's and I think it's perfectly fine for anyone here to call themselves "Aspie" even without that diagnosis. But don't BS me.

I have been a big firm lawyer for 36 years. My whole career is reading through contracts and briefs looking for mistakes.

 

[rse92]

I'm not the best at communicating. .

I should say not. Your posts are at best borderline literate. There are people with big hearts giving you way too much courtesy than you deserve. Your are a nasty piece of work, and if you are not a troll but are genuine you are even nastier.

For example:

I don't think she feels like she can leave, we have an agreentnfor 3 years for the flat and I have to admit I'm not being as helpful as I could in terms of letting her go. I'm not stopping, but I don't want to be helpful becuase I'm scared of what happens if we break up.

What. A. Sh-thead you are.

 

[QuestJan]

I have been a big firm lawyer for 36 years. My whole career is reading through contracts and briefs looking for mistakes.

We have some amazing brains drifting around these forums

I respect any valid diagnosis of Asperger's and I think it's perfectly fine for anyone here to call themselves "Aspie" even without that diagnosis. But don't BS me.

True that. But another typical autism trait is honesty. I feel that a xenomorph from Alien is trying to force its way out of my chest when I tell a lie. Only blurting out the truth saves me. If that poster was authentic, he could not casually call himself "aspie". That would be blasphemous to the truth.

 

[RRokh]

This is PD stuff, ASD might become obsessed with sex, but they won't be able to seduce, seduction requires a lot of social skills that ASD folks don't possess. Why don't you look into the personality disorders.

I have a literal, clinical Asperger's diagnosis.
I don't have much in the way of social skills, but I do have a list of things that I've had success with other the years and have built up a script of sorts that generally works.

 

[RRokh]

Wow wow wow. This was a tv mini drama for me to read.

That co-worker is horrible that she immedately contacted your partner. That should always be a rule. Never mess with somebody from your job. Most people follow that because if it goes south, you are stuck with the person still.

You messed around on *the one* this says you need to examine why? Was it thrill? Was it show *the one* has no control over you? You really need to look at why you felt the need? Otherwise you should be in an open relationship where that is acceptable. Or room with a guy so that you do what you want but get the benefit of sharing a place. Maybe you are just tackling emotional immaturity? Some of us deal with that. I have a lot more emotional maturity very late in life with my current guy friend. I strived to be a better person despite on my crappy issues. It's a struggle but l keep trying. Good luck with your partner, maybe block the stupid co-worker who now seems to be involved in some triangle with you. Put her to bed. Block her. Be respectful but firm. Tell her you aren't interested and that's the end and not to text or contact you or you may need to involve police. It sounds like you need boundaries in place. You need to quit flirting if you are in a committed relationship. You need to tell your roomie you would like to get engaged because you realize how much she means to you and you understand how immature you acted. Otherwise one of you may need to move out or keep the flat but breakup as a couple for two months then sit down and re-evaluate where you are after the emotions die down. And the co-worker stops harrassing both of you.

So I've not contacted the coworker for a long time.

This is something that happened approx 12 months ago and she now decided to contact my partner about it. I recently found out that she had been stalking my partner for wuite some time online to get a feel for who she is. She seems very dangerous to me now. That's very psychotic behaviour in my eyes, and that's as someone with ASD.
Funny thing is I would happily get married to my partner/ex. It was always about waiting for the right time and I'm glad that now I didn't do it yet. It would have only made things worse for her.

 

[RRokh]

Just because you grew up in a dysfunctional environment doesn't mean you can't challenge and adapt your own thought processes and behaviour.

I grew up in a very toxic, abusive environment. I have not gone on to abuse others, or emulate any of the behaviours of my 'parents' who were absolutely appalling human beings who should never have had children.

The power to change is with you.

I do agree with you fully. I have changed a lot in my life and then double that in the last few years we have been together. I have fixed the behaviours I knew to be problematic, some I didn't know about. I didn't know my conversations come over as flirting till literally yesterday when I was discussing it.

 

[RRokh]

You gotta love all the people here. Diverse and not afraid to express their feelings.

(The blood came out in words- help me, help me). Then.........

Sorry l got carried away. I need to write a horror movie.

Well, it turns out there was a reason for the blood. I ended up collapsing on Tuesday night and luckily my ex was around to break my fall. She watched me black out and called an ambulance for me thank ****. I'm lucky she was around.

 

[RRokh]

Wait, what? You said you cheated on her. Cheating means sex. So you’re saying that you did not in fact have sex? Then what is this whole thing about?!



How precisely did you string her along for a period of weeks? Do you mean you continued to flirt with her? If you ended it after a period of weeks, then why did she show up out of the blue on your doorstep a year later to show texts to your partner that were made months and months prior? Does this mean that for the past year, she has continued to text you and talk to you at work, but you have somehow kept it professional, as you say? I don’t feel like you’re being entirely forthcoming about the facts.



Cheating isn’t a special interest, my friend. Have you started looking for a counselor? I recommend that you do. Possibly your behavior is rooted in childhood dysfunction.



This is an extremely selfish comment and again shows that your distress is caused by your having gotten caught, not by what you actually did. Where was your sadness and angst for the last year? You want her to hurry up and get over those “stages” (?!) of anger so that things can go back to being what you want them to be. You violated her trust, lied about it for a year, and let her learn the truth not from you but from the woman you cheated with.



How many messages are there, and what do they say? Yes, expect a fight. You’ve earned it. You did this to her, so do yourself a favor and stop with the poor wounded little puppy routine. I mean that. Taking responsibility for your actions is the best thing for you now, not blubbering and trying to get people to feel sorry for you.



Cheating brings couples closer together. How sweet. I hope she dumps him. I would. Not for the cheating, but for an entire year of looking her in the face and lying.

Cheating is many things to different people. We didn't have sex but I cheated. Do you really want the details on what I'm told is a PG13 board?

I am looking for therapy yes. Had a triage session a couple of days ago.

I think I miscommunicated my wanting her to work through the stages so we can talk too, I understand how she feels as best as I can but it's very difficult to put myself into her exact situation. I've never been upset about getting caught. I'm angry at myself for letting myself do it, I want answers. I also hurt becuase I'm seeing her in pain.

 

[RRokh]

Either you are Lucy from Bram Stoker’s Dracula (great movie) or you have cirrhosis or stomach ulcers…or you are once again being dishonest. People don’t vomit blood when they’re sad.

I have a stomach acid thing, it wasn't a lot but it was concerning at the time and an interesting detail I couldn't shake. I think it's called gourd.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

I should say not. Your posts are at best borderline literate. There are people with big hearts giving you way too much courtesy than you deserve. Your are a nasty piece of work, and if you are not a troll but are genuine you are even nastier.

For example:



What. A. Sh-thead you are.

Wow! and I thought that I was the only male for a while that did not excuse his reprehensible behavior which has more due to his being degenerate than his claim of ASD fragility. He doesn't need to understand why he acted as a selfish jerk, he needs to work on his disgusting character without attempting to justify his actions in an attempt to gaslight his (hopefully ex) partner.

 

[RRokh]

This is a tough situation for you, for your partner, and for the third person you got involved with. Everyone is distressed. I'm a relationship counselor so hear about this kind of situation fairly often. Nevertheless I would say every situation is unique, because you, your partner and the other person, are each unique.

Just that last part of what you said, about you taking home drinks and trying/hoping for a better situation, for her not to be angry, then kicking the furniture so hard you hurt yourself, when it didn't work out as you hoped, is worth you looking at. This doesn't sound like you are being realistic about the situation. But it also sounds like you feel very dependent on your partner, despite having done something that was likely to harm your relationship.

You do clearly need help and support, and I hope that you can find some, posting here has had mixed results, but hopefully has helped you understand the way quite a lot of people judge these situations. It may be unfair, but it's pretty common. Mostly in situations like this, the only way back, if there is one, is a long road of sincere work on yourself, without making demands on the other person, but with determination to change in the way you can handle relationships.

Hoping to be at ease and talk things through without anger, tears and distress at this very early stage of your partner learning all this occurred is unrealistic. Because you have already got overwhelmed by the difficulty of this and had to go to A and E, I don't advise the 2 of you to even try talking things through on your own, but to get help and support if you can, to talk together, if this is what your partner wants to do.

I hope you as an individual will get support, and some therapy, to help you sort out all this that is going on for you, and feel better. That's a really important goal, I would think, as it will likely be hard for your partner to support you at this time. I hope both she and you have means to get help, in the short term, and that longer term you can work more on what's happening for you, now and in the past, to create this situation.

So thank you very much for the post. It means a lot to me. The forums themselves have actually been really helpful for me..I wish I had found this place a year ago when I got diagnosed. Or even more earlier in life so I got diagnosed sooner, could have prevented a lot of heartache I expect.

I think I'm being far more realistic than I was when I intially posted the tread. But at the time I was really distraught and had nowhere to turn or anyone to talk to. We have a vastly different way of doing things myself and her and they clash hard. I'm trying super hard to be considerate of her needs and processes and not trying to do anything my way at all as I know she needs this. My needs really are secondary but I do want to hold the relationship together if it's possible.

I understand that expecting her to be unemotional is insane of me, I know that's a thing that people do. ****, I do it. It's just I know I struggle greatly to process emotions. I can spot them, I can often understand them and know what a decent number of them are. The feelings themselves are always overwhelming for me, even when it's not my own feelings I get overloaded quickly most of the time.

The drink was kinda symbolic. I can't type up the whole thing here as I don't have the book with me, but I have a book on Asperger's at home and the very first chapter was explaining communication and used the example of an eagle and a zebra eating different food. Anyway, what happened was a textbook example in that book and something we both discussed the day prior. I was hurt she didn't recall. But we have spoken about it since and I understand why now and she understands why it hurt me so much.

I have strongly fought for us to talk together with help, I always avoided it and now the roles are reversed. She doesn't want to and wants to end things which I respect her stance. She's said she's willing to keep an open mind but not to get my hopes up, which I'm really appreciate of.

 

[RRokh]

@RRokh By the way, I don’t think you’ve mentioned what’s been going on with the woman you cheated with. Have you apologized to her for screwing her as a means of asserting your alpha male status to your rival male co-worker? Have you said you’re sorry for stringing her along? Cruel, exploitive, misogynistic behavior.

I don’t buy your story that you strung her along for “a period of weeks” and then kept your relationship professional after that. You’ve definitely interacted with her many times since, hence the reason she showed up on your doorstep after a year since the initial encounter. You really think it makes sense that you cheat, then flirt for a few weeks, then maintain an uneventful, professional relationship for eleven months… and then she comes out of nowhere and decides to show the texts to your partner? You are continuing to disrespect and use this woman by slandering her as some weirdo who enjoys turning up at people’s houses months after the end of an affair.

Seriously, why are you wasting our time? You’re lying. If you’re not honest with us then we can’t give you advice that’s actually going to be helpful to you.

No, I haven't. I should. I will. But not right now.

I've shared things to the best of my knowledge at the time..but it seems I was unintentionally flirting for much longer and have done it with others. My ex/partner shared that even in normal interations I'm generally very flirty. She always assumed it was intentional and I had no idea that's how I came over. I just liked being a bit of a cheeky funny person I thought. I was clearly wrong

 

[RRokh]

You dipped your pen in the company ink, then you strung her along. How did you think was going to end?

When you blame immoral and stupid behavior on your autism it insults all of us. Do you think it helps the goal of autism acceptance?

I'm still working this all out. Even the ASD stuff. It's very new to me still. The diagnosis was a year ago but I've never spoken to another person with ASD and the support I was meant to get and asked for, one lot I ended up not taking and the 2nd more ASD focused support I was told I would get, didn't materialise.

 

[RRokh]

'Nuff said, @RRokh. It's none of my business and it sounds like you've considered your partner's well-being



I am not placing myself as morally superior and am in no position to judge anyone. Cheating would feel the way a lie feels to me: Like that Alien xenomorph is about to burst out of my chest. I might not survive.

I am dazzled that you do it with apparent ease...

Sorry if I came over as rude. I'm also not sure if your first comment was sarcastic or not im afraid. But it does feel like if I shared personal information of hers I would be betraying her further and I've no wish for that.

I honestly don't know how I do it either. Some thing I'm so strict on. Literally immovable. I don't know what differenciates them.

 

[RRokh]

Not so un-understandable. Humans are unusual in having unlimited sexual receptivity. They are also unusual among primates in having any kind of monogamy at all. Men have an indiscriminate libido because those who sowed their wild oats widely left more descendants than those who didn't. Cave-man instincts.

Middle-aged men see the attractiveness of youth disappearing and want another taste of it before it is gone completely. All kinds of novels and movies on that subject. Choices are made and then there's a denial that a choice was made to avoid the social consequences. The devil made me do it.

In the past, there were powerful incentives not to do so in the form of religion. They were only somewhat effective. Now that religion is gone, there's nothing to replace it but individual moral codes. Most personal moral codes are confused and a bit fuzzy. We're still cave-people playing with atomic bombs.

I certainly have issues with morality. That is something I can 100% confirm.

 

[Aspychata]

True - l use to laugh around and joke and now l understand that's considered flirting so l don't do it anymore.