Advice and help required.

[unperson]

This is PD stuff, ASD might become obsessed with sex, but they won't be able to seduce, seduction requires a lot of social skills that ASD folks don't possess. Why don't you look into the personality disorders.

 

[Aspychata]

Wow wow wow. This was a tv mini drama for me to read.

That co-worker is horrible that she immedately contacted your partner. That should always be a rule. Never mess with somebody from your job. Most people follow that because if it goes south, you are stuck with the person still.

You messed around on *the one* this says you need to examine why? Was it thrill? Was it show *the one* has no control over you? You really need to look at why you felt the need? Otherwise you should be in an open relationship where that is acceptable. Or room with a guy so that you do what you want but get the benefit of sharing a place. Maybe you are just tackling emotional immaturity? Some of us deal with that. I have a lot more emotional maturity very late in life with my current guy friend. I strived to be a better person despite on my crappy issues. It's a struggle but l keep trying. Good luck with your partner, maybe block the stupid co-worker who now seems to be involved in some triangle with you. Put her to bed. Block her. Be respectful but firm. Tell her you aren't interested and that's the end and not to text or contact you or you may need to involve police. It sounds like you need boundaries in place. You need to quit flirting if you are in a committed relationship. You need to tell your roomie you would like to get engaged because you realize how much she means to you and you understand how immature you acted. Otherwise one of you may need to move out or keep the flat but breakup as a couple for two months then sit down and re-evaluate where you are after the emotions die down. And the co-worker stops harrassing both of you.

 

[Juliettaa]

I'm trying to get help.

Maxine Aston's book has said there have been cases of ASD people becoming obsessed with sex.

I don't think this is due to my ASD, but I do think my ASD complicates things. I believe relationships have been something of a subject for me for decades and that coupled with other stuff such as growing up in a house with my parents behaviour has caused me to become like this.

I want to thank you all for your input. It's been very helpful. I'm not trying to excuse anything, I'm trying to own and find answers. I don't want to hurt anyone. Least of all her..

Just because you grew up in a dysfunctional environment doesn't mean you can't challenge and adapt your own thought processes and behaviour.

I grew up in a very toxic, abusive environment. I have not gone on to abuse others, or emulate any of the behaviours of my 'parents' who were absolutely appalling human beings who should never have had children.

The power to change is with you.

 

[Aspychata]

Sorry you and your family suffered abuse and the extent is horrific. Maybe some meditation or exercise or journaling is needed to deal with these issues. Maybe this created a numbness in you re: relationships. Hope this works out and you find inner strength and healing and maturity.

The other people at this forum just spoke with their feelings and you can block their posts by clicking on ignore on their avatar profile page. I have ignored some if l feel triggered. It's not their fault.

 

[Aspychata]

Oh come off it man. Now I know you're a troll. You laid there desperately clutching the butterknife and cried so hard you vomited blood??? Oh now I've heard it all.

You gotta love all the people here. Diverse and not afraid to express their feelings.

(The blood came out in words- help me, help me). Then.........

Sorry l got carried away. I need to write a horror movie.

 

[Kalinychta]

I didnt have sex with her. I made sure it didn't go that far.

Wait, what? You said you cheated on her. Cheating means sex. So you’re saying that you did not in fact have sex? Then what is this whole thing about?!

I didn't keep in contact with her. I strung her along for a period after I admit. But I did cut all contact and kept the relationship purely professional after that. It was a period of weeksni believe.

How precisely did you string her along for a period of weeks? Do you mean you continued to flirt with her? If you ended it after a period of weeks, then why did she show up out of the blue on your doorstep a year later to show texts to your partner that were made months and months prior? Does this mean that for the past year, she has continued to text you and talk to you at work, but you have somehow kept it professional, as you say? I don’t feel like you’re being entirely forthcoming about the facts.

Well I shared this thread in the hope that age would understand why I think this couple be tied to my special interest but instead she's throwing all the negative comments at me now.

Cheating isn’t a special interest, my friend. Have you started looking for a counselor? I recommend that you do. Possibly your behavior is rooted in childhood dysfunction.

I just want her to get through those stages of being angry etc so we can talk this through properly before making any decisions.

This is an extremely selfish comment and again shows that your distress is caused by your having gotten caught, not by what you actually did. Where was your sadness and angst for the last year? You want her to hurry up and get over those “stages” (?!) of anger so that things can go back to being what you want them to be. You violated her trust, lied about it for a year, and let her learn the truth not from you but from the woman you cheated with.

She's currently reading all the messages between me and my coworker as she wanted them and my coworker sent them all over so I'm fully expecting a huge fight when I get back and I'm incredibly anxious about it.

How many messages are there, and what do they say? Yes, expect a fight. You’ve earned it. You did this to her, so do yourself a favor and stop with the poor wounded little puppy routine. I mean that. Taking responsibility for your actions is the best thing for you now, not blubbering and trying to get people to feel sorry for you.

Yes, she likely will go through more anger at you once she reads those, but eventually she will sift through that, understand you more, and weigh the pros and cons of everything.

Cheating brings couples closer together. How sweet. I hope she dumps him. I would. Not for the cheating, but for an entire year of looking her in the face and lying.

 

[Kalinychta]

I was crying so much I vomited blood.

Either you are Lucy from Bram Stoker’s Dracula (great movie) or you have cirrhosis or stomach ulcers…or you are once again being dishonest. People don’t vomit blood when they’re sad.

 

[Thinx]

This is a tough situation for you, for your partner, and for the third person you got involved with. Everyone is distressed. I'm a relationship counselor so hear about this kind of situation fairly often. Nevertheless I would say every situation is unique, because you, your partner and the other person, are each unique.

Just that last part of what you said, about you taking home drinks and trying/hoping for a better situation, for her not to be angry, then kicking the furniture so hard you hurt yourself, when it didn't work out as you hoped, is worth you looking at. This doesn't sound like you are being realistic about the situation. But it also sounds like you feel very dependent on your partner, despite having done something that was likely to harm your relationship.

You do clearly need help and support, and I hope that you can find some, posting here has had mixed results, but hopefully has helped you understand the way quite a lot of people judge these situations. It may be unfair, but it's pretty common. Mostly in situations like this, the only way back, if there is one, is a long road of sincere work on yourself, without making demands on the other person, but with determination to change in the way you can handle relationships.

Hoping to be at ease and talk things through without anger, tears and distress at this very early stage of your partner learning all this occurred is unrealistic. Because you have already got overwhelmed by the difficulty of this and had to go to A and E, I don't advise the 2 of you to even try talking things through on your own, but to get help and support if you can, to talk together, if this is what your partner wants to do.

I hope you as an individual will get support, and some therapy, to help you sort out all this that is going on for you, and feel better. That's a really important goal, I would think, as it will likely be hard for your partner to support you at this time. I hope both she and you have means to get help, in the short term, and that longer term you can work more on what's happening for you, now and in the past, to create this situation.

 

[Kalinychta]

@RRokh By the way, I don’t think you’ve mentioned what’s been going on with the woman you cheated with. Have you apologized to her for screwing her as a means of asserting your alpha male status to your rival male co-worker? Have you said you’re sorry for stringing her along? Cruel, exploitive, misogynistic behavior.

I don’t buy your story that you strung her along for “a period of weeks” and then kept your relationship professional after that. You’ve definitely interacted with her many times since, hence the reason she showed up on your doorstep after a year since the initial encounter. You really think it makes sense that you cheat, then flirt for a few weeks, then maintain an uneventful, professional relationship for eleven months… and then she comes out of nowhere and decides to show the texts to your partner? You are continuing to disrespect and use this woman by slandering her as some weirdo who enjoys turning up at people’s houses months after the end of an affair.

Seriously, why are you wasting our time? You’re lying. If you’re not honest with us then we can’t give you advice that’s actually going to be helpful to you.

 

[rse92]

You dipped your pen in the company ink, then you strung her along. How did you think was going to end?

When you blame immoral and stupid behavior on your autism it insults all of us. Do you think it helps the goal of autism acceptance?

 

[WildCat]

I'm not going to say anything beyond the fact that this was a poor move on your behalf. From what I've seen here at least, character and neurology are not linked together.

I say face the music already and hopefully learn something from this.

 

[Aspychata]

Sometimes we just can't judge. Some people truly don't understand they have poor decision skills where infatuation and male pants are concerned. The intensity of feelings for gratification sometimes outweigh the Einstein part of the brain center. This is what gives us those sensational news burbs the impetus for 24 hour coverage. So l am trying to understand the un-understandable.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

Sometimes we just can't judge. Some people truly don't understand they have poor decision skills where infatuation and male pants are concerned. The intensity of feelings for gratification sometimes outweigh the Einstein part of the brain center. This is what gives us those sensational news burbs the impetus for 24 hour coverage. So l am trying to understand the un-understandable.

I have been told repeatedly, even on here, that I need to own the experiences that I visited upon myself. So when I see somebody crying crocodile tears for being caught in his deliberate, dispicable, behavior, that has more to do with degenerate values than ASD, and lying about it, I feel pretty damned free to judge.

 

[Au Naturel]

This isn't an autistic thing, it is a human thing. NTs cheat all the time. "Cheating" is often more often a way of seeking validation than of getting sex. A regular feed of other people finding you attractive makes you feel better about yourself.

Or it could just be someone letting their pheromones take over. It is a choice and one needs to own it. Everything depends on how important you consider fidelity. Perhaps you are lying to yourself.

 

[Kalinychta]

Sometimes we just can't judge. Some people truly don't understand they have poor decision skills where infatuation and male pants are concerned. The intensity of feelings for gratification sometimes outweigh the Einstein part of the brain center. This is what gives us those sensational news burbs the impetus for 24 hour coverage. So l am trying to understand the un-understandable.

I think that’s a fair statement, but probably only when it comes to kids/teens. The OP is 38-years-old. He should know better by now.

 

[QuestJan]

she knows how I've done that and I've done things for her nobody else has done

'Nuff said, @RRokh. It's none of my business and it sounds like you've considered your partner's well-being

Most, if not all, of the autistic people I know are fiercely loyal and committed

I am not placing myself as morally superior and am in no position to judge anyone. Cheating would feel the way a lie feels to me: Like that Alien xenomorph is about to burst out of my chest. I might not survive.

I am dazzled that you do it with apparent ease...

 

[Au Naturel]

Sometimes we just can't judge. Some people truly don't understand they have poor decision skills where infatuation and male pants are concerned. The intensity of feelings for gratification sometimes outweigh the Einstein part of the brain center. This is what gives us those sensational news burbs the impetus for 24 hour coverage. So l am trying to understand the un-understandable.

Not so un-understandable. Humans are unusual in having unlimited sexual receptivity. They are also unusual among primates in having any kind of monogamy at all. Men have an indiscriminate libido because those who sowed their wild oats widely left more descendants than those who didn't. Cave-man instincts.

Middle-aged men see the attractiveness of youth disappearing and want another taste of it before it is gone completely. All kinds of novels and movies on that subject. Choices are made and then there's a denial that a choice was made to avoid the social consequences. The devil made me do it.

In the past, there were powerful incentives not to do so in the form of religion. They were only somewhat effective. Now that religion is gone, there's nothing to replace it but individual moral codes. Most personal moral codes are confused and a bit fuzzy. We're still cave-people playing with atomic bombs.

 

[Aspychata]

Not sure if this person was necessarily looking for younger. Seems to be they want the whole bag of potato chips to one chip. Some older men wish for a harem but would truly be overwhelmed. Middle age men also enter into that realm. So there is a shelf life to all those caveman desires. Lol. Men live in fantasy world probably 1/2 of their life in regards to those primate needs.

 

[Aspea]

I have a long history of cheating and moving from one partner to another but almost always being in a relationship. I made the decision to break that cycle this time, I didn't want to move on to someone else. I had found my "the one". It's now all falling apart very fast because of my behaviour and inability to be honest about it.

Ok, I'll bite. If you are for real, then here's my response. Just like everyone else, I have to affirm: autism has nothing to do with infidelity, and certainly not with a long history of cheating and moving on, always having the next woman lined up and ready. After reading most of your posts in this thread, it sounds to me like clinical narcissism, and that would mean this entire thread is narcissistic supply. Unfortunately, there is no known cure for narcissistic personality disorder. I'm not a counselor or mental health professional; this is just my opinion.

Your primary concern seems to be to mold and shape her behavior to an outcome that is more favorable to you, while lacking or disregarding a proper understanding (and caring about) how badly this has hurt her.

...my future wife.

You are not ready for that. You need to do some very deep and serious soul-searching, reading, learning, and excavating, with the specific goal of uncovering what has caused you to habitually lie and cheat, and then repair whatever damage you are carrying, if you can. This should be a special interest until you have solved it. If you have a spiritual tradition or religion, I recommend you engage with that as fully as you can while going through this process.

If anyone can help me I'd be eternally grateful. I just want to be able to understand why I did what I did

This is key. You cannot move on or fix anything until you have discovered why you did what you did.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

Not sure if this person was necessarily looking for younger. Seems to be they want the whole bag of potato chips to one chip. Some older men wish for a harem but would truly be overwhelmed. Middle age men also enter into that realm. So there is a shelf life to all those caveman desires. Lol. Men live in fantasy world probably 1/2 of their life in regards to those primate needs.

@Aspychata, well, TBH, I've indulged in Walter Mitty daydreams of personal triumphs. I had the sense and the lack of social skills to recognize that it is only idle thoughts, even when presented with opportunity of sorts. Working in Indonesia, in Batamindo, I would go to a nearby bar to unwind before hitting the night market for a meal. There the mama-san had tried to interest me in one of her working girls. Some quite young. I could not partake of that, uncomfortable with what I know of the dynamic there. Rather than inspiring lust, it made me feel sad. But mama-san would chat me up regardless in some odd game of ours. On my last night before leaving for Singapore I asked mama-san who was the youngest, so I paid her bar fine and fee and mama-san let her have the night off. Though I ached, I could never treat women as objects. Now, at my age, I'm invisible to women and the only regret is never experiencing multiple partners as siblings on both sides of my family have, enjoying such reciprocal desire of physical connection. I am just too tired of the struggle with my sexuality to think of much more than pleasing my spouse.