Advice and help required.

[RRokh]

Well I shared this thread in the hope that age would understand why I think this couple be tied to my special interest but instead she's throwing all the negative comments at me now.

 

[Skittlebisquit]

I think some of the negative reaction you are getting here is that it seems to me you may be being dishonest with us, about your infidelity with your gf.

You cheated on your partner and didn’t tell her. The only reason she knows is because the woman you had sex with sought her out.

It almost seems deliberately provacative. I would like to see more personal responsibility in the way you express yourself I think. I hear you that you are going thru a tough time. I think with one of us(gw) you hit a trigger. That guy is usually pretty mellow.

It is kinda mean though in some ways. I'm one of the isolated ones myself. I've had significant relationships and some intimacy in the past, but it was all a long time ago now. So some of the reactions you are getting is likely jealousy, and some outrage over base dishonesty.

I just cant figure out if you are just a drama queen troll trying to stir up a mess or if this is all the real deal with you. Hopefully it is all the real deal. I will assume so.

So anyways, cover your ears

To return to the OP

The big deal(s) are that quote above and what actually happened. In my opinion you had one that was solid (gf) and another to develop, for sport. (Side meat)(SM)
Its exciting playing that game, I get it.

It's hard to believe you never went all the way with the (SM) seriously, dude it is.

So the drama of the discovery is likely what makes the chances of recovery(gf) near impossible. See she got horribly embarrassed, in front of her parents.
That's not going to go away.

Be very very careful. This whole situation can explode. For (SM) to go to such lengths to hurt everyone is a clear indication of a fully grown dangerous person, who tried really hard to start a fight. Really really hard.
Have you ever seen what a woman can do with a straight razor?

path forward is the same as it ever was. I am going to give you the benefit of the doubt and say that you are being somewhat honest with us, and that this whole scenario is not some creepy troll game.

It's going to be really hard to convince gf that you are safe to be around. Because of how long the deception went on. She will think the worst if it, no matter what you say. She will assume that you were forking and spooning with sm at every available opportunity, and here's the kicker deliberately making a fool of her(gf) and you did that.
Because your co worker knew the score? So to her you were objectifying her(gf) to the workplace. You were also likely making a fool of (sm) because she will always believe. That you told your buddies about it.

Anyways the one likely will never trust you again and the other likely wants to harm you, so I wouldn't be forking or spooning with either one, ever again. It's just to dangerous. Couples therapy is really expensive I think, you might be able to salvage a platonic friendship with (gf) if you get a counselor in the middle. I think (sm) is going to slash your tires though.

I would likely be alot more worried about the career, basic shelter, extra security, and all that than trying to fix either one of those myself. Learn to love your self. Get some counseling that focuses on the personal integrity issue. Find someone who likes to swing baby. I have known swinging couples that stayed together for a long time.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

I wish you could see what actually goes on my head as you'd be able to see what you're saying simply isn't true. I wish it was that simple. If I was good at relationships I wouldn't be in the mess I'm in..I never claimed to be good at them either. Truth be told, I treat them all exactly the same. I go from one to the next using the same scripts and the fame formulas. That's not good. It's caused me so many issues over the years and I've never actually attempted to deal with it because it wasn't always apparent to me that it wasn't normal.

We already know that you are a liar and NOTHING you say is the truth. One repeats actions because there is a payoff, and that payoff is more meaningfull to you than your partner. The only thing I hope here is that she will not be used as a doormat by you and leaves you to stew in the mess you deliberately created. You are merely trying to justify your actions by trying to blame something other than your selfish stupidity because you got caught in your lies. Stop channeling your NT adulterer and grow up, already.

 

[Booknerd515]

Yeah I agree heavily with what @Skittlebisquit said. I would have appreciated a warning before learning about the trauma in depth as someone with undiagnosed PTSD. I had to have a system member switch out with me for a few minutes after.

[Levi]
They’re not really active right now but they have got to rest for the rest of the day because that stuff seriously impacts them. It gave them a panic attack.

 

[Skittlebisquit]

So I reread that a few times. I will likely catch hell for it from some of my friends here who expect me to demonstrate a higher standard.

Anyways let's put the whole swing thing away for right now, it's difficult to talk about promiscuity and open relationships on a
PG 13 board. That's the standard we are held to here. It's a commitment we keep to eachother to promote acceptance and Inclusiveness. This site is open to minors.

I am much more worried about your well being sir than anything else just now. Its like a horrible spiral that will capture your thoughts and drain the life right out of you.

So how do you shut off your brain safely. This kind of mess is what alcoholism is born of, and that's a horrible choice for you right now. It will start a landslide that will likely consume you. See this whole scene is a precipitating stressor. So no booze ok? You likely wont stop.



Seriously tho. Dont skip the triage meeting with the counselor. Learn to power nap, it's easy. You need a forty minute block. Cool out for ten, try and meditate, drift off then the alarm wakes you up. It will help alot.

Exercise is important too, that can help. If your tummy is upset try crackers or cereal and water. Do not eat orange juice, v8 or dairy. Do try one of those six dollar fruit smoothies. I hope things start looking up for you. No booze, no coffee, no pills, please. The coffee will make you go freak city

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

I think some of the negative reaction you are getting here is that it seems to me you may be being dishonest with us, about your infidelity with your gf.

It almost seems deliberately provacative. I would like to see more personal responsibility in the way you express yourself I think. I hear you that you are going thru a tough time. I think with one of us(gw) you hit a trigger. That guy is usually pretty mellow.

It is kinda mean though in some ways. I'm one of the isolated ones myself. I've had significant relationships and some intimacy in the past, but it was all a long time ago now. So some of the reactions you are getting is likely jealousy, and some outrage over base dishonesty.

I just cant figure out if you are just a drama queen troll trying to stir up a mess or if this is all the real deal with you. Hopefully it is all the real deal. I will assume so.

So anyways, cover your ears

To return to the OP

The big deal(s) are that quote above and what actually happened. In my opinion you had one that was solid (gf) and another to develop, for sport. (Side meat)(SM)
Its exciting playing that game, I get it.

It's hard to believe you never went all the way with the (SM) seriously, dude it is.

So the drama of the discovery is likely what makes the chances of recovery(gf) near impossible. See she got horribly embarrassed, in front of her parents.
That's not going to go away.

Be very very careful. This whole situation can explode. For (SM) to go to such lengths to hurt everyone is a clear indication of a fully grown dangerous person, who tried really hard to start a fight. Really really hard.
Have you ever seen what a woman can do with a straight razor?

path forward is the same as it ever was. I am going to give you the benefit of the doubt and say that you are being somewhat honest with us, and that this whole scenario is not some creepy troll game.

It's going to be really hard to convince gf that you are safe to be around. Because of how long the deception went on. She will think the worst if it, no matter what you say. She will assume that you were forking and spooning with sm at every available opportunity, and here's the kicker deliberately making a fool of her(gf) and you did that.
Because your co worker knew the score? So to her you were objectifying her(gf) to the workplace. You were also likely making a fool of (sm) because she will always believe. That you told your buddies about it.

Anyways the one likely will never trust you again and the other likely wants to harm you, so I wouldn't be forking or spooning with either one, ever again. It's just to dangerous. Couples therapy is really expensive I think, you might be able to salvage a platonic friendship with (gf) if you get a counselor in the middle. I think (sm) is going to slash your tires though.

I would likely be alot more worried about the career, basic shelter, extra security, and all that than trying to fix either one of those myself. Learn to love your self. Get some counseling that focuses on the personal integrity issue. Find someone who likes to swing baby. I have known swinging couples that stayed together for a long time.

Yes, it did trigger me, still with cPTSD from 14 years of social and sexual isolation. A week ago I had thoughts of assaulting an acquaintence who had women hanging on his every word, something on my best day I could not accomplish, then having somebody here bragging about his conquests. I hope someday that I will not release control of such rage.

 

[Skittlebisquit]

Yes, it did trigger me, still with cPTSD from 14 years of social and sexual isolation. A week ago I had thoughts of assaulting an acquaintence who had women hanging on his every word, something on my best day I could not accomplish, then having somebody here bragging about his conquests. I hope someday that I will not release control of such rage.

Love you man

 

[RRokh]

Yes, it did trigger me, still with cPTSD from 14 years of social and sexual isolation. A week ago I had thoughts of assaulting an acquaintence who had women hanging on his every word, something on my best day I could not accomplish, then having somebody here bragging about his conquests. I hope someday that I will not release control of such rage.

I'm sorry if it comes over like that. I'm not the best at communicating. I'm not trying to brag, I'm trying to grovel and get help becuase I'm scared.

I'm actually in A&E right now because I think I've broken my toe kicking a set of drawers at home.

She was talking me how she now things I've been abuse to her emotionally and I never meant for anything like that. I just ended up zoning out and couldn't take it. It's all I could think of and I kind came to my senses about 20 mins later becuase I automatically just left the flat and walked and walked.

I found a reason to pull myself together and went back home, I picked up a couplenof drinks on the way back to apologise for leaving like that and because I know she needs to eat/drink and she just rejected it instantly the moment I got back. I kicked the draws as I eneded up emotionally overflowing again.. now I'm sat seeing if I've broken my toe.

She was really good to me, she helped checked out my toe and took me to A&E then had to leave. Everything I do just makes things worse. No matter how much I try to do something good.

 

[1ForAll]

Some here can say all you want for the cheating, and he will be accountable for it at home, but the way he expresses himself and is dealing with some of your anger, I respect. I am hearing his message more than yours, to be upfront. The more he is abused on this forum, and conducting himself, the more I see he is likely not as bad as others claim, as I see verbal abuses, physical, and other abuses as really harming too, which is what likely happens for many of you behind closed doors, from your family, or to them, but you are all still staying.

You all will never advertise it and be honest to us here, as you want to be seen as doing no harms in your life. So, give this guy a break. HE came here for advice not criticisms and abuse; he did not have to come here and explain to you all anything, and you all are jumping to conclusions in what he did. Your minds are running wild there. If you analyze his posts, he clearly has difficulties not only with empathy, breaking from routines, but from knowing right from wrong in social and relationship scenarios.

Do you realize, many with ASD can have such issues? Yes, not necessarily with cheating, but in other contexts as mentioned. And yet you all feel entitled to be yourselves, in expressing triggering views on this forum, whether sexist in nature, anger, or repetitively playing victims yourselves. Some here critique even posters who are into self-help. Insecurities there? So, you all can be yourselves, and posters do not step on your toes, but this guy comes forward wanting answers, and you ride high on your horses acting like he owes you something.

He owes you all nothing. He is being himself, like you all are. He owes his gf explanations, yes, but if she is going to play victim forever knowing how he was/is and abuse him indefinitely so she gets more and more favors, she needs to know that is wrong too. Go through the 5 stages yes, but then make a decision there. Being forever bitter is not going to solve anything. THe bottom line is, she is free to go whenever she wants, and so is he free to go if he sees he does not want to be with her based on new developments. If they cannot work it out amicably, one will choose that anyway. THey do not need meddling on this board to determine the relationships success, through misplaced or excess anger. Maybe some of you others should go to other forums, to deal with your own issues, if you cannot understand and support as best as possible others with Autism issues too.

Now, that is my version of a rant. I got my message across, but called no one specifically out, nor did I use language or anger that could trigger others. Now, critique me all you want too, and I, like the original poster, will calmly reply back despite being offended by any such confrontational remarks. WE will let you be yourselves.

 

[RRokh]

Dude.

Some here can say all you want for the cheating, and he will be accountable for it at home, but the way he expresses himself and is dealing with some of your anger, I respect. I am hearing his message more than yours, to be upfront. The more he is abused on this forum, and conducting himself, the more I see he is likely not as bad as others claim, as I see verbal abuses, physical, and other abuses as really harming too, which is what likely happens for many of you behind closed doors, from your family, or too them, but you are all still staying.

You all will never advertise it and be honest to us here, as you want to be seen as doing no harms in your life. So, give this guy a break. HE came here for advice not criticisms and abuse; he did not have to come here and explain to you all anything, and you all are jumping to conclusions in what he did. Your minds are running wild there. If you analyze his posts, he clearly has difficulties not only with empathy, breaking from routines, but from knowing right from wrong in social and relationship scenarios.

Do you realize, many with ASD can have such issues? Yes, not necessarily with cheating, but in other contexts as mentioned. And yet you all feel entitled to be yourselves, in expressing triggering views on this forum, whether sexist in nature, anger, or repetitively playing victims yourselves. Some here critique even posters who are into self-help. Insecurities there? So, you all can be yourselves, and posters do not step on your toes, but this guy comes forward wanting answers, and you ride high on your horses acting like he owes you something.

He owes you all nothing. He is being himself, like you all are. He owes his gf explanations, yes, but if she is going to play victim forever knowing how he was/is and abuse him indefinitely so she gets more and more favors, she needs to know that is wrong too. Go through the 5 stages yes, but then make a decision there. Being forever bitter is not going to solve anything. THe bottom line is, she is free to go whenever she wants, and so is he free to go if he sees he does not want to be with her based on new developments. If they cannot work it out amicably, one will choose that anyway. THey do not need meddling on this board to determine the relationships success, through misplaced or excess anger. Maybe some of you others should go to other forums, to deal with your own issues, if you cannot understand and support as best as possible others with Autism issues too.

Now, that is my version of a rant. I got my message across, but called no one specifically out, nor did I use language or anger that could trigger others. Now, critique me all you want too, and I, like the original poster, will calmly reply back despite being offended by any such confrontational remarks. WE will let you be yourselves.

THANK YOU. SO So much. You have no idea how much that post means to me. Thank you.

I don't think she feels like she can leave, we have an agreentnfor 3 years for the flat and I have to admit I'm not being as helpful as I could in terms of letting her go. I'm not stopping, but I don't want to be helpful becuase I'm scared of what happens if we break up.
She's said some stuff about cheating on me to get back at me, she wants revenge and I understand how she feels. I told her it's ok, I understand and if she does it I'll forgive her.

We moved in together about 8 months ago and those 8 months had moments of rockyness due to our communication issues, but that aside, we was both incredibly happy. She's the only person who I've ever trusted unconditionally and I don't want that to be for nothing. I really, logically and emotionally belive with my whole being that this can work.

I just want her to get through those stages of being angry etc so we can talk this through properly before making any decisions.

She's currently reading all the messages between me and my coworker as she wanted them and my coworker sent them all over so I'm fully expecting a huge fight when I get back and I'm incredibly anxious about it.

 

[1ForAll]

Dude.

THANK YOU. SO So much. You have no idea how much that post means to me. Thank you.

I don't think she feels like she can leave, we have an agreentnfor 3 years for the flat and I have to admit I'm not being as helpful as I could in terms of letting her go. I'm not stopping, but I don't want to be helpful becuase I'm scared of what happens if we break up.
She's said some stuff about cheating on me to get back at me, she wants revenge and I understand how she feels. I told her it's ok, I understand and if she does it I'll forgive her.

We moved in together about 8 months ago and those 8 months had moments of rockyness due to our communication issues, but that aside, we was both incredibly happy. She's the only person who I've ever trusted unconditionally and I don't want that to be for nothing. I really, logically and emotionally belive with my whole being that this can work.

I just want her to get through those stages of being angry etc so we can talk this through properly before making any decisions.

She's currently reading all the messages between me and my coworker as she wanted them and my coworker sent them all over so I'm fully expecting a huge fight when I get back and I'm incredibly anxious about it.

Your welcome. Yes, she likely will go through more anger at you once she reads those, but eventually she will sift through that, understand you more, and weigh the pros and cons of everything. It will likely come down to trust. If she feels you'll do it again, it likely will be the end. If she feels you won't do it again, after any therapy or whatever, there is some slight chance at least she could see more positives than negatives and still love you and stay.

Our life here has likely been through even worse than you both, but we are stronger in the relationship now than when we got married, and we've been committed for 17 tears, 15 though marriage. Cheating of any sort never occurred, whether small or big, but lots of other wrongs along the way, but we worked through them all, learned from them and did not let it divide us. Both genders do wrong in relationships, so each should see how they can do better. But, both have lots of strong abilities too, to complement the other.

Feel free to PM me if you want to talk more about this too.

 

[Martha Ferris]

I hear a lot of excuses. There may be reasons but there are no excuses. You know right from wrong. You are an adult therefore you are responsible for your choices. You have engaged in this behavior repeatedly. Now you have seemingly lost "the one."
To cure a disease one must get to the cause of the disease. Just treating symptoms is not a cure. Get counseling to get to the bottom of why you are doing what you are doing and to help you break the cycle and to learn more appropriate ways to deal with your sexuality.
Relationships are about more than sex.

 

[QuestJan]

Can anyone please give me some advice or share similar experiences of having autism or Asperger's and habitual cheating.

Nothin' to do with autism - was narcissism ruled out at the evaluation?

I'm hanging onto my relationship by a string and I don't want to let it go.

Why? What are you hanging onto the relationship for? What is your "partner" saying about how it affected them? You seem to demonstrate little remorse for the pain you caused them and to care only for your own discomfort.

How do you meet their needs and preferences? Are you also a partner or is that their full responsibility?

you broke some pretty serious rules. I wouldn't expect anyone to give you a pass for the excuse,..."I am autistic".

As long as an excuse is sought as a substitute for the cure, I think you're stuck up shiz creek in terms of your relationships.

 

[Tom]

Not an autism thing.

 

[RRokh]

I don't want to go into details of how I've supported and been there for her, she knows how I've done that and I've done things for her nobody else has done, but a lot of on the line myself for her at times. It's her business though and I don't feel ok to share that laundry online just to win people over on a forum. Once upon a time I would have done that too, but not now.

 

[James45]

I don't think it is related to ASD. I reckon it is due to some nurture/experience issue. I also think if you truly want to resolve the behaviour you will absolutely be unable to do that in a relationship.

You will need a lot of time to work out why it is happening and 'tune' in with yourself, maybe years...particularly being on the spectrum it can take a very, very long time to work out this emotional stuff, frankly at 45 I am unable to have intimate relationships as they are too confusing emotionally.

I would walk away, short term pain, but you will generate self respect and stop hurting others. And hopefully you can resolve the cause of your behaviour.

 

[Tom]

For a relationship to be lasting, although personalities can differ quite a bit, there are a few things that you have to be on the same page with. Whether it's going to be a closed or open relationship is one of those. To be fair I would think you'd have to only hookup with another person like yourself.

As far as masking goes it is basically pretending to be something. But I believe its a case where motivation matters. Many, perhaps most, with ASD-1 develop masking skills but I think it is almost always a kind of defense mechinism - a way to protect yourself from mockery, bullying and ostracization. It can of course be used for other things but that is a matter of choice and not necessarily the natural course.

 

[Juliettaa]

I’ve never heard of promiscuity and repeated cheating as being associated with autism. Not at all. Your behavior sounds more like sex addiction to me. Have you looked into the symptoms of sex addiction?

I agree with this.

You are autistic. And you are a cheat. They are not linked.

Most, if not all, of the autistic people I know are fiercely loyal and committed when they're in a relationship.

Perhaps it would help you to have some therapy in order to better understand your behaviour.

I feel sorry for your partner.

 

[unperson]

Reminds me of Bill Clinton: 'I did NOT have sex with that woman!'

 

[RRokh]

I'm trying to get help.

Maxine Aston's book has said there have been cases of ASD people becoming obsessed with sex.

I don't think this is due to my ASD, but I do think my ASD complicates things. I believe relationships have been something of a subject for me for decades and that coupled with other stuff such as growing up in a house with my parents behaviour has caused me to become like this.

I want to thank you all for your input. It's been very helpful. I'm not trying to excuse anything, I'm trying to own and find answers. I don't want to hurt anyone. Least of all her..