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Advice on a break up.

I think your preemptive break up was maybe not clearly justified, but it seems to turn out for the best in the end. No offense intended but your ex-gf seems unreliable/dishonest in some key areas and I would only foresee trouble or a derailment eventually. Better that happened before getting hitched.

Yes, the missing them can last a long time any time. But it does fade in time inevitably. Or you can quicken the process by finding someone new. Nothing clears out the old like something new.
 
Cali Cat and Judge have some phenomenal insights. I am so sorry for your current pain. Out hearts really do get quite involved. Loss of love hurts for sure.

Regarding burning for her for years, I don't know you, but I don't think so, not this time. At your age and stage of the game, distance from the relationship will gradually bring clarity. Right now, you are too close to the relationship still, and are understandably emotional. You are looking at many small details. With time, you will see a broader view, see the big picture better. You will likely have much more clarity with time. You might even have epiphanies that offer relief as well as release from the idea of someone unreliable being a safe mate.

Some of us Aspies/Auties can be very emotional. Our feelings can be like rough seas. But even we emotional Spectrumites find tremendous comfort in the solidity of logic. It becomes our rock, a calm, safe, solid place to begin to heal our tossing emotions. Can you think of any logic to re-frame this ending? Perhaps that her nature was turbulent, or that her life may have sometimes been unstable, and perhaps on some level maybe she craved unhealthy drama. If nothing resonates yet, you can take comfort in that you require someone who is stable, reliable, and trustworthy as a mate, and perhaps she may not have been stable enough to be suitable.
 
That you guys alot. I feel better already. I feel like I get better, but something triggers me and I spiral for a few days before climbing out. I invite people to continue to post though cause it's giving me some thought.

Thank you
 
Usually when a relationship ends by someone dashing off to another person, it takes us a long time to realize they did us a favor. Time allows us to see with enough clarity to say "Whoa... Really dodged a bullet there."
 
Warmheart said:
Usually when a relationship ends by someone dashing off to another person, it takes us a long time to realize they did us a favor. Time allows us to see with enough clarity to say "Whoa... Really dodged a bullet there."
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Well put. This has rung true for me more times than I care to count.

mikemike, it sounds like you were working hard on the relationship but it wasn't really being reciprocated. As others have said, it does indeed look as though your ex was looking for a way out. Although you may have been the one to suggest ending it, and on the surface that seemed to be the catalyst that led to her leaving, also consider what it was that led to you suggesting it in the first place. It was your ex's behaviour that was behind everything, the original cause.

I'm glad to hear you're feeling better. It does take time and after a relationship like that you will always bear scars, even if they no longer hurt. Using hindsight (when you are ready, after the pain has faded a bit more) to work through what happened can really bring great understanding, and even comfort. It helps you to know yourself better, and this helps you find a better partner next time.
 
Cosmophylla said:
Well put. This has rung true for me more times than I care to count.

mikemike, it sounds like you were working hard on the relationship but it wasn't really being reciprocated. As others have said, it does indeed look as though your ex was looking for a way out. Although you may have been the one to suggest ending it, and on the surface that seemed to be the catalyst that led to her leaving, also consider what it was that led to you suggesting it in the first place. It was your ex's behaviour that was behind everything, the original cause.

I'm glad to hear you're feeling better. It does take time and after a relationship like that you will always bear scars, even if they no longer hurt. Using hindsight (when you are ready, after the pain has faded a bit more) to work through what happened can really bring great understanding, and even comfort. It helps you to know yourself better, and this helps you find a better partner next time.
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It just seems so weird to go from one extreme to another. Before this guy came along, she was all about me. Almost obsessed. She would constantly ask me when I was going to propose, and make long term plans. And I loved it. She worked hard at the relationship too. She even would tell me how she would never dump me, and I could even cheat on her and if I loved her, I would come back. I told her to raise her standards. Just because I didn't beat her like one ex, or sexually assault her like another, doesn't mean I'm good enough. Drive me to be the best I can be.

The void is still there. I miss alot about her. But she was also incredibly difficult and those last few months were hell. I simply broke when I realized this guy meant more to her then I did. Sometimes, it still seems like a bad dream.

But I also realize now that it is for the best long term. And I'm feeling better and talking about it helps. I won't suffer in silence. I'll tell my story and help anyone I can.

But another tough thing is how close I got to her family. I loved them. Truly did. Her dad was so supportive of me (still is, though our relationship is more professional now.) And her mom and I used to talk when walking the dogs if susan couldn't come. I made that effort and you guys know how hard that is for us. And now, it's gone.

The break up is fine, I guess. I just wish she knew, or cared how much I suffer for her and wasn't a total jerk about it. I do have feelings.
 
In time she, too, will be able to look back on her relationship with you with clarity. No matter what she feels/thinks now, in time she will look back and see how she contributed to its failure, and her view of you will be softened and she will also feel regret. More so if her relationship with the weirdo in Florida fails (and it sounds like that will happen).

You don't need to end your relationship with her parents. It's really good that you are still talking and have such mutual respect. There is no need to let that go. I know of other couples that broke up but still keep in touch with former in-laws. My mother still talks to my ex-mother-in-law. :)

I agree about her latching onto you being suspicious and odd. To be candid, I've done this many times because I was desperate to just have someone to be with. I had no self esteem, and needed to heal my childhood wounds (from my parents). It also lead me into crappy relationships. It almost caused my current marriage to fail before it went anywhere (he was scared because I was being crazily possessive) but then we got pregnant straight away and that was that. We committed and 8 years later we are more in love than ever. One big thing that has helped me is not drinking alcohol. Alcohol makes me crazy. :/

Edit: oops, I've responded to some stuff in your post that isn't there now... Sorry about that.
 
Cosmophylla said:
In time she, too, will be able to look back on her relationship with you with clarity. No matter what she feels/thinks now, in time she will look back and see how she contributed to its failure, and her view of you will be softened and she will also feel regret. More so if her relationship with the weirdo in Florida fails (and it sounds like that will happen).

You don't need to end your relationship with her parents. It's really good that you are still talking and have such mutual respect. There is no need to let that go. I know of other couples that broke up but still keep in touch with former in-laws. My mother still talks to my ex-mother-in-law. :)

I agree about her latching onto you being suspicious and odd. To be candid, I've done this many times because I was desperate to just have someone to be with. I had no self esteem, and needed to heal my childhood wounds (from my parents). It also lead me into crappy relationships. It almost caused my current marriage to fail before it went anywhere (he was scared because I was being crazily possessive) but then we got pregnant straight away and that was that. We committed and 8 years later we are more in love than ever. One big thing that has helped me is not drinking alcohol. Alcohol makes me crazy. :/

Edit: oops, I've responded to some stuff in your post that isn't there now... Sorry about that.
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Well, the fact that her parents thought of me enough to ask me to watch the house and dogs was a HUGE deal to me. I was almost overcome with emotion (I'm a crier) and I'm sure the irony of me helping with her move away from me wasnt lost on them.

Perhaps in time, she will soften up. I can't say what will happen in the future, but for today, I walked with my head held high thanks to you guys. Seriously. And keep the discussion coming.

Edit: it should be all there
 
Having read more of this now I feel maybe she wasn't ready for something good and subconsciously sabotaged it (possibly). I know from hindsight that I did this in my first relationship due to problems with my dad around that time making me feel unloveable. I was very hurt and I didn't want to give someone else the possibility of doing that again.

It is 15 years after that relationship and we live 4 miles apart now. We still bump into each other and I get an odd 'ghostly' sensation when I talk to him to say hello but all the old feelings of love and hurt are more of a metaphorical scar now as opposed to fresh, deep, open wounds. Not gone completely but they don't hurt. As time goes by it does get easier and you can put things down to being young and stupid as you get older.

The main thing is to try not to keep this with you in the future. Not every relationship and every girl will be the same and there is always hope.

Much love. Peace out.
 
mikemike said:
That you guys alot. I feel better already. I feel like I get better, but something triggers me and I spiral for a few days before climbing out. I invite people to continue to post though cause it's giving me some thought.

Thank you
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"I'm going out of my mind with a pain that stops and starts
like a corkscrew through my heart."

Dylan, You're a Big Girl Now

BTW, Blood on the Tracks is an excellent breakup album. It will play the strings of your soul like few others at this time.
 
Someone's past can be signs, but some people can learn from their mistakes or situations too. Maybe some people might argue you or I have a "past." If those past issues are resolvable enough, then just move on. It's best to take things slow, and if a person isn't willing to go slow with you, then only expect things to be for fun. It's good to be up-front 1-1 and say you want to take things slow if you don't feel comfortable jiving with someone more fast paced. Many of us may also react differently depending on someone's interests and looks and how we feel in the moment too. It is human nature, for better or worse.

Even though you may think that by you mentioning the thought of a break up that you caused the break up, it may not necessarily be a bad thing for either of you if you felt that way. Maybe your instincts saved you from a catastrophe. Good luck finding quality fish in the sea.
 
The undeniable truth at this point, particularly for Aspies, is that relationships are hard. So hard, in fact, that we tend to ignore red-flags or be blind to them completely. Think about what you said: "there were red-flags..." - she simply wasn't meant to be yours.

I have said "I love you" to NO one, until the day I was certain I was in love. But with all certainty comes the unbearable uncertainty and we'll just simply never know: do they love me back? Is this real?

My advice to you is to take it one day at a time. Read a book or pet a furry creature. Some day, the right woman will come along and you will know inside and out that you love her unbelievably much.

Hope this helps!
 
forowls said:
The undeniable truth at this point, particularly for Aspies, is that relationships are hard. So hard, in fact, that we tend to ignore red-flags or be blind to them completely. Think about what you said: "there were red-flags..." - she simply wasn't meant to be yours.

I have said "I love you" to NO one, until the day I was certain I was in love. But with all certainty comes the unbearable uncertainty and we'll just simply never know: do they love me back? Is this real?

My advice to you is to take it one day at a time. Read a book or pet a furry creature. Some day, the right woman will come along and you will know inside and out that you love her unbelievably much.

Hope this helps!
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But she did show incredible amounts of affection and love to me. I certainly believe she did in fact love me
 
People can change, and not always for the better. Maybe she did truly love you at one time. By your demeanor on here, you seem like a super awesome guy! I hope you find someone else and some good people to be around too.
 
paloftoon said:
People can change, and not always for the better. Maybe she did truly love you at one time. By your demeanor on here, you seem like a super awesome guy! I hope you find someone else and some good people to be around too.
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I am a good guy, not to sound full of myself.I did the little things, like id pick up candy for her and her fav drink for her without being prompted, would leave her texts to wake up to, tell her I loved her all the time, cause it's good to say and hear. She used to warm her feet up under my shirt and kneed her toes on me, which i saw as a sign of affection and loved. It was the small stuff loved.
 
I agree with Cali Cat that this woman may have a personality disorder. I am very familiar with such, having siblings that are Borderline personality disordered. They always fall in love too fast, hook up too fast, then it all burns out. Then they move on to someone else to start all over again. They leave a trail of wreckage a mile high and never gain insight into the pain that they are causing. Unfortunately they have considerable charm and charisma, so that they always find willing victims. You might Google personality disorders and read up on it. If anything, maybe you can protect yourself from falling for another type like this. You sound like a really nice guy, and you deserve a good woman, which this woman is not. I understand that the most painful thing is that you put all this time and effort and love into her, and she just ran off to be with someone else.

I also have a hard time letting go, and have carried the torch for someone for over five years. I truly think that keeping busy and being good to yourself will help the time pass and the healing take place.
 
garnetflower13 said:
I agree with Cali Cat that this woman may have a personality disorder. I am very familiar with such, having siblings that are Borderline personality disordered. They always fall in love too fast, hook up too fast, then it all burns out. Then they move on to someone else to start all over again. They leave a trail of wreckage a mile high and never gain insight into the pain that they are causing. Unfortunately they have considerable charm and charisma, so that they always find willing victims. You might Google personality disorders and read up on it. If anything, maybe you can protect yourself from falling for another type like this. You sound like a really nice guy, and you deserve a good woman, which this woman is not. I understand that the most painful thing is that you put all this time and effort and love into her, and she just ran off to be with someone else.

I also have a hard time letting go, and have carried the torch for someone for over five years. I truly think that keeping busy and being good to yourself will help the time pass and the healing take place.
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I've always thought maybe I'm too nice, and thus boring.

The thing that gets me is all her exes dumped her or forced her out. One used to abuse her and when she finally fought back, SHE got arrested. He played himself off as the victim.... maybe, just maybe, it was her that was lying.

I do deserve something good, something better. I just wish it didn't have to be this way. I figured I was done looking. I was happy. I was head over heels
 
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