Advice please !

[Sid Delicious]

First point of contact would be a GP if he feels he needs help.

 

[Fino]

Everybody has expressed my exact thoughts already except for one thing, unless I missed it.

You say, "he's on anti-depressants," as if that's indicative of something wrong. That's common. I once told my parents a friend was in therapy, and they responded with a sympathetic, "Awwww." One friend I told I can't drink because I was on medication and he became terrified and sympathetic.

All misconceptions. Treatment is good, not bad. Maybe people are attempting to sympathize with the problem being treated, but since you found out post-treatment, the response should be positive and hopeful. "Oh yay!" would be more appropriate.

Long story short, being on anti-depressants isn't bad.

And I'll reiterate from what others said: being anti-social isn't bad.

The thing about only talking about himself.. I know I'm supposed to ask about the other person so I often do now, but it's still incredibly awkward and I often forget. It just doesnt cross my mind. Especially if I dont care, but, sometimes, even if I do.

Are you two very close? When I'm close with someone, I really hope they'll just talk about themselves without my prompting. I want to hear about it but it's hard to ask or I forget. And then sometimes I'll unwittingly bring it back to myself again. I'd be happiest if they just bring it back to themselves again or even tell me that they'd like to finish.

Being unusually clear is helpful and anxiety-relieving, at least to me.

Good luck!

 

[Susie]

Thanks so much everyone such informative helpful replies! I am learning to try to accept and the missionary complex idea was very helpful . Plus yes the intense need for privacy . I think all he can do is go to work and spend the whole weekend in isolation to re charge . I do not discuss my theory to others and am very respectful of his privacy. What I am basically trying to understand and deal with is the massive difference in social interaction with NT friends. At the risk of sounding needy it is strange to have an almost totally one sided friendship . I am learning , through these helpful comments, to just accept and not change or save him . But , for example, let’s use this scenario . I have been off work this week unwell and went round for a coffee. At no point did he ask - how are you feeling ? How was your Christmas? As usual it was a chat about his life . I find my friend refreshingly unique and interesting . He also has ocd checking lights and doors etc . It’s not that I feel it should be about ME ...but lack of what I perceive as any concern is hurtful at times . I must learn to accept this is how it is and I get that element from my Nt friends. But at the risk of sounding fretful , it is all new to me and please accept it is hard also for NT people to fathom . That is not a criticism and I will not give up on this friendship as I care deeply ... but I do understand this is why there are not many people in his life , it can be hard . But worth it ! Life’s learning curve !

 

[Fino]

What happens if he chats about his life, for example if he told you what he did on Christmas Day, and you respond with something like, "That sounds nice. I..." and then you go on about your life. Does he not listen when you do that?

 

[Susie]

What happens if he chats about his life, for example if he told you what he did on Christmas Day, and you respond with something like, "That sounds nice. I..." and then you go on about your life. Does he not listen when you do that?

 

[Susie]

Yes he listens politely and patiently , rarely makes a comment or asks any questions ever , then goes back to talking about himself. Shows very little interest in my life at all ,but is quite interested in talking about psychological observations of people’s lives . Has also quite extraordinary eye contact that can be quite long , more so than normal . He may make a politeand generalised comment ... like yeah Christmas is .... or eat garlic for a cold , but quite non interested in manner. I’m not a boring person! Hence my confusion ... is he really dis interested or is this typical ? Spends long time talking on obscure topics ...

 

[Autistamatic]

Susie - if it helps, I've made several videos on the subject of "Autistic Thinking" and "Autism & Empathy" that try to explain some of the differences in the way autistic people see and interact with the world compared to the neurotypical majority. Each film is 10-15 minutes long. I've linked the playlists below

Autistic Thinking series - YouTube

Empathy series - YouTube

 

[Sarah S]

Yes he listens politely and patiently , rarely makes a comment or asks any questions ever , then goes back to talking about himself. Shows very little interest in my life at all ,but is quite interested in talking about psychological observations of people’s lives . Has also quite extraordinary eye contact that can be quite long , more so than normal . He may make a politeand generalised comment ... like yeah Christmas is .... or eat garlic for a cold , but quite non interested in manner. I’m not a boring person! Hence my confusion ... is he really dis interested or is this typical ? Spends long time talking on obscure topics ...

Susie also as you self said not mush is actually happening in his life so i believe it can be similar situation as in my life wich is NOTHING is happening so therefor im as blank as he is when someone ask me what im doing and how was Christmas or how was the weekend....... ? Also from my own side i can also ad that i SUCK at small talk and like him i tend to go on on about same subject as before as i cant seem to get the grasp on the art of small talk . what i do is i LISTEN and then go on what said other person is talking about, What you perceive as not interested in you is perhaps just he dont know how to small talk and so as he might be like me he talks about the thing he do know something about him self and things he feels he knows something about. In my case those around me alredy knows about my diagnosis so they accept and know how to get me going and im shore in time you will come to learn how he works also so the best advice i can give you based on my own preferences is give it time dear the more you and he talks the more he will feel comfortable with you and open up more and be more bold in youre conversations.

Again from my point of view reg conversation i need the other part to start it and give me guidance on what said person wants to talk about so i can follow that lead if not i also go on what i know and feel comfortable with and thats worked earlier and is still suitable for this particular person

 

[wight]

@Susie , speaking from experience, this person socializes with you but no one else on a regular basis. That tells me that he cares for you, perhaps more deeply than you realize, or he can express. I think this friendship is not nearly as "one sided" as you are perceiving it to be.

 

[Sarah S]

I can defenetly second that statement i believe he really tries as he really do enjoys youre company

 

[Susie]

Thank you everyone .. your answers are so informative . I am determined to be a good friend as I care for him
. His condition makes him unique and I have said he should embrace his difference as it makes him unique and a lot of NT people are dull ! He said my support has helped him
To accept it and with my support has even
Managed to buy himself a house . I do silly things like asking quite understandable NT insecure questions like .. do you REALLY want me to visit as it’s always me inviting myself ? He looks perplexed and says of course not .. you come once every week
!! We do have a hug too once I go .. depending on his mood . Sometimes warm and friendly sometimes stiff one armed and awkward ! The NT person tends to question what they are doing wrong .. this is a platonic relationship I add . He did have a partner once but from what he says his condition ended it . Thanks everyone .I will watch the videos too xx

 

[the_tortoise]

At the risk of sounding needy it is strange to have an almost totally one sided friendship

It doesn't need to be one sided (and probably isn't, as @wight says), you just have to figure out how to adjust your expectations and modify your interactions. You need to find a middle ground between your communication style and your friend's communication style, between your way of interacting/speaking and his way.

But , for example, let’s use this scenario . I have been off work this week unwell and went round for a coffee. At no point did he ask - how are you feeling ? How was your Christmas? As usual it was a chat about his life . I find my friend refreshingly unique and interesting

Then just tell him how you've been feeling. Just because he doesn't ask doesn't mean he doesn't care or doesn't want to know!

If he goes on and on about his own life, you could take advantage of any pause (or even interrupt him at a time that seems okayish to interrupt) and say something like, "Can I tell you about what's been going on with me? I really want to share it with you/really want someone to talk to/etc."

You seem very stuck on this idea that because he doesn't ask, it must mean he doesn't care -- but you can't know that. He may care very much, but not be able to show it in standard ways.

Please, please don't assume he doesn't care or isn't interested just because he does not initiate conversation about you -- you may need to initiate that conversation, even if he is very interested in you/your life and very concerned about your well-being.

Yes he listens politely and patiently , rarely makes a comment or asks any questions ever , then goes back to talking about himself.

That doesn't mean he doesn't care or isn't interested. That may just be how he does/understands conversation -- he shares information, then you share information.

He may not know what to say, or be unable to talk about feelings and experiences in the same way he can talk about theories or concrete things. Not knowing what to say or not being able to talk about things isn't the same as not caring or being uninterested.

He may make a politeand generalised comment ... like yeah Christmas is .... or eat garlic for a cold , but quite non interested in manner.

What is a "quite non interested manner"? Is it a tone of voice thing? Is it because it is a general comment and not a personalized one? Offering practical advice or knowledge about how many people experience a situation may come from a place of genuine concern and interest, just like you feel for him.

 

[Pats]

His condition makes him unique and I have said he should embrace his difference as it makes him unique and a lot of NT people are dull !

Another reason I like being on the spectrum.

do you REALLY want me to visit as it’s always me inviting myself ? He looks perplexed and says of course not .. you come once every week

I love this - He answers do you really want me to come with "Of course not." lol

 

[Susie]

Another reason I like being on the spectrum.


I love this - He answers do you really want me to come with "Of course not." lol

Sorry I mis quoted that.. he says of course I do . But he has admitted he lies sometimes about things for an easy life ! His tone is very monotone and his expression I very rigid and non
Moving .. stony almost but he does smile too . Thanks for your help I must not take it personally . Another query, and I’m sorry to
Bang on
But you have all enlightened me soo much , is if I text he won’t reply for ages . Normally when I text with NT friends it’s a fairly usual time lapse but he won’t answer for hours . Is this normal ? For Aspies ? I have queried this and he says “ it’s only been ***** hours “ you psycho ! As if I am at fault , but said in good jest! Confused . Com
!!

 

[Fino]

Based on my experience, it's all normal and you're very important to him. I can't know that for sure, but from everything I've read, that's how it seems.

I've learned to ask people questions about something they're talking about, and it feels awkward and fake. He likely just hasn't learned that, if he ever even will or wants to.

It might sound like I don't, but to an extent, that's because I don't. I feel like someone should just say what they want and questions aren't needed. When I tell someone I wouldn't care or notice if I wasn't questioned. Sometimes I don't even care if I'm heard, I just wanted to say it out-loud LOL

Anyway, I think he values you and looks forward to seeing you. That's my guess.

 

[Fino]

Oh whoops, I didnt see that. By "ages" you mean "hours"?

Unless there's something wrong me with, there's nothing wrong with that at all. That's how long I usually take. I'm almost always in the middle of something (and don't stop for things that aren't emergencies) or I say to myself that I'll do one thing then answer and then forget.

I also don't keep my phone near me when I'm at home, so maybe he does that.

 

[Pats]

Sorry I mis quoted that.. he says of course I do . But he has admitted he lies sometimes about things for an easy life ! His tone is very monotone and his expression I very rigid and non
Moving .. stony almost but he does smile too . Thanks for your help I must not take it personally . Another query, and I’m sorry to
Bang on
But you have all enlightened me soo much , is if I text he won’t reply for ages . Normally when I text with NT friends it’s a fairly usual time lapse but he won’t answer for hours . Is this normal ? For Aspies ? I have queried this and he says “ it’s only been ***** hours “ you psycho ! As if I am at fault , but said in good jest! Confused . Com
!!

I figured you had misquoted. lol But I still would love to be able to say, Sure I mind, but come on. without being interpreted as rude. My oldest son is autistic - not diagnosed, we just figured it out when I was diagnosed a few years ago. I remember all his childhood pictures, the photographer would try to get him to smile and I would tell them, no, he always had a sober look and I wanted the picture to look like him, not smiling. And his wife gets irritated because he takes so long answering texts, so it's probably fairly common. At least for the guys. I always feel like I have to answer immediately and I hate that I feel that way. But the way you describe your friend, I like him.

 

[Sarah S]

Another query, and I’m sorry to
Bang on
But you have all enlightened me soo much , is if I text he won’t reply for ages . Normally when I text with NT friends it’s a fairly usual time lapse but he won’t answer for hours . Is this normal ? For Aspies ? I have queried this and he says “ it’s only been ***** hours “ you psycho ! As if I am at fault , but said in good jest! Confused . Com
!!

In my experience id say its something you have to learn to cope with and accept with us within said ASD Spectrum / NSD diagnosis Susie, also he might feel the need to just stay of line for a while just in genera for al cinds of personal reasons + In some of us with said NSD /ASD Diagnose the ability to keep track on time in general is also reduced. And also there is this time that we al have the ability to actually go on line as well with or without diagnosis dear

 

[Fino]

I have a friend who, when I told him I have AS, he talked about how he's always felt like he was somewhat.

He often takes 1-3 days to answer! That long, I don't quite understand. He told me he's just bad at answering. It's hard to imagine it not being intentional, but he's incredibly kind so I believe him.

But the reason I mention it, this is the same thing on another scale! It's just a different length we find to be too long, based on how long we take and how long people we know take.

Interesting!

 

[Sarah S]

Fino dear i have a very dear friend Diagnosed Asperger (managed to find that out even before we actually talked based on his way of expressing himself on another forum LOVELY person ) ANYWAY with him it can either come back for a LONG time back & fourth in a Pm or it can take MANY more days then youre 1-3 days dear so yeah id say its usual and yes more so with men then us wimen actually BUT i also have a dear female friend from another forum (also Diagnosed autism ) thats the same in either get back fast or sometimes a LONG time SO ...... (Shes actually on her way here as i have linked here here )