If anything can come out of this post, I want to know if there are other people like me, and I want to know from the point of view of those who consume these drugs why they do it, more importantly, why they started doing it, in as much detail as they can. Thank you.
I started having simple partial seizures when I was ten, but I wasn't allowed to see a doctor (Christian Science) so I didn't know what it was and just thought I was insane. It felt like a weird squeezing sensation and there was a distant scream and I often stayed up all night experiencing that.
Starting from age 11, I was hit a LOT. Years and years, lots. The details aren't relevant, but I was like a boxer who never hit back. So much violence!
I have always been bothered by noise and filth, but somehow my entire family is the opposite and always created a home of cockroaches, dirt, barking dogs, and yelling. Anything that bothered me meant I was just trying to get attention and them wondering what's wrong with me.
I didn't have any friends so was very isolated and by time I was thirteen felt that I was supposed to be hurt, that the reason I existed was to please other people. I felt unbearably uncomfortable being comfortable so I started self-harming, cutting. Covering the floor of the shower with blood was satisfying.
When I was sixteen, I stopped going to school and got a job at a movie theater. People there were horrible, but at some point I went to a party where I drank for the first time, not really understanding what it was and just being told to do it. And for the first time in probably ever, I FELT OKAY.
So I kept drinking, on and off in varying amounts for about seven years. It helped with the seizures. It also helped with the fact that around fifteen, I developed a sexual attraction for the abuse I had been enduring, also developing PTSD at the same time. So I'd be triggered every few seconds, be confused and ashamed of arousal, as well as panicked and frightened of the memory.
I often binge-drank, hoping I'd black out and not wake up.
I took random amounts of random pills, hoping for the same but always just got sick, which was also preferable to the prior state.
I had periods of confusion about reality and identity, whether or not I really existed, who I was, was I of equal value to other people. Hurting myself didn't feel like hurting a person, and drugs and alcohol had no risk, only reward. Pleasure is good, pain is good, death is good. All good.
Also, I had a theory that if I were stupider I would be happier. I was hoping drugs and alcohol would make me dumb enough to feel okay.
I entered into abusive relationships and did everything I could to stay, because that was when I felt most okay.
I started doing other kinds of drugs, like ecstasy, lsd, shrooms, and a bunch of others I won't list, along with various anxiety and amphetamine meds. While on these stronger drugs, all of the weight that constantly tried to kill me, the shifting realities, the confusion, the PTSD and memories were all reduced to a little bunny. So I kept doing it
I have Borderline Personality Disorder and ADHD, as well, so of course those are factors.
I attempted suicide countless times and, without a lot of these drugs, I would have continued trying. In my mind, the option was to be high or kill myself. And I usually chose to be high.
Thank God for drugs. I'm lucky to be alive. I no longer abuse drugs and would like to keep it that way, but I'm happy they were there. Of course, it would have been nice if I didn't do that. It also would have been nice to not be abused, neglected, and mentally ill. But apparently what's nice is often not what is.
Does any of that explain anything at all to you, or are you still in utter confusion?