Anyone else sick of people only coming here to get back their relationships?

[VioletHaze_03]

Honestly it's really annoying. It's like people just come here to complain about their relationships, vent about people having some possibly autistic traits and then expect us to toss some magic autie dust on them and "fix" their partner. Autistics aren't like dogs. You can't just train the bad stuff out so we can make you happy, and that's what some of these people are asking. They just don't get the whole concept of compromising. Talking to a forum of complete strangers isn't a perfect solution to your relationship problems. You need to fix your relationship first. I get how helpful and therapuetic forums like this can be, but it's really annoying to hear nts complain about things that a lot of autistics can't really control. However, i do enjoy helping the people who come here to understand rather than fix their relationship. Most relationship problems aren't ASD as much as it's the actual relationship. That sounds really critical but it's also honest.

 

[MrSpock]

There are different ways of understanding 'fix', 'understand', 'get answers'. A person might be beginning the process of fixing a relationship knowing that it will be a long task requiring a lot of work, and still say that they are trying to fix it by doing their current activity. They may not feel it's necessary to explain every time that they attempt to take a step that that step is really part of a long journey.

Someone saying that they want to understand their partner doesn't necessarily expect a stranger to give them a brain transplant, it's possible that they're willing to spend time with only a small hope of gaining a tiny bit of understanding.

I can do mathematics, in some areas I'm not bad. But I certainly don't have the answer for math. Nothing I can do will prevent future students from having to do math. I cannot solve it, but I can solve individual problems.

Where Asperger's is concerned we cannot expect NTs to even know the right questions. Over a year after finding out I'm on the spectrum I know that I still don't know all the questions, and I have use of a site where many of us have been working on these problems for many years. Some of the NTs who come here may have no idea of what autism is, whereas even if we've not been diagnosed we've had 'normal' in our faces our whole lives. If we can't give them a break on this from the safety of our own site where we outnumber them we don't deserve much understanding in return.

 

[AO1501]

Honestly it's really annoying. It's like people just come here to complain about their relationships, vent about people having some possibly autistic traits...

My first thought is that as far as I am aware there is no person, no entity, making anyone read any of these threads. So being upset by what nebulous others are posting in them is quite bizarre, since the solution to the problem is rather less to extinguish these people from our corner of the internet than it is to simply not bother reading the threads in the first place.

My second thought is that we don't own this place. We inhabit it, and hopefully that is good for us, but like any place, some of our fellow inhabitants might be rather less the people we'd prefer. We don't get to make that choice though - or at least not for anybody but ourselves. Reasonably then, since we can't decide which other people can live here, our only choice is to decide if we want to, ourselves.

The third thought is that it is all in the perspective. You can use words like 'complain', and phrases such as 'vent about people having some possibly autistic traits', but that doesn't automatically mean these are accurate representations of what is really being said. On the other hand, you might also say that people have come to this thread to complain, and to vent about people who don't have autistic traits, but are looking for some support.

Lastly, and from a purely personal perspective, the reason I try and 'help' with some of those threads is that as an Aspie, (because this is how the spectrum works for me), I am always keen to acquire knowledge and understanding, and that means I am always inclined to take notice of others trying to do the same. It seems to me therefore that when someone comes here to post about any issue for which they are hopeful of gaining understanding, that is something to admire more than admonish.

 

[Mia]

Most of the people who post are attempting to solve their relationship difficulties. Some after they've broken up, others who are in long term relationships with someone with autism. And are working on their relationships, hoping to understand their partner. They are genuinely looking for help and a manner in which to work on their relationships.

Some have come to find out what went wrong, to look for explanations. A few wish to complain in some way that they were unable to 'make over' their partner into what they thought or expected them to be.

Often I've attempted to explain that they need to consider the other person's point of view. Which they seem to not think is all that important. It's often about what they want, not about the person who left them or they left. And then you begin to realize why the relationship went so badly in the first place.

One of the the telltale signs I've noticed about a very few who post here in the relationships section. Is that they seem to feel as if they are superior to their partner with autism. That they are doing them a favour by having a relationship with them and then are surprised when the other person treats them as an equal. It is that entitlement that seems to be the real problem in some of these failed relationships.

 

[jacinto]

Sometimes I read these & am so amazed at the thought processes behind these painstakingly well-articulated, perfectly spelled posts using flawless grammar to say exactly what I am thinking & feel so grateful to be a part of this community. And I realize I've essentially been alone my entire life - even within relationships or crowds of people. Awesome. Y'all rule, if nobody's told you lately..

 

[Bronwyn]

Thanks for the repsonses. Been a great discussion. Yeah maybe we just have to look at their point of view. They could be really sad looking for compassion. But for me Id hate it if it was my ex posting on here id be upset. Don't think they are good examples of love as if its fuelling the stigma and discouraging people on finding a relationship. Like sometimes I wonder if its they know they are on this site. :/ But yes im sorry I posted this as the responses have been so much :O I wont be replying no more.

 

[Bronwyn]

I want to take a step back and admire this site! When I was first diagnosed I didnt ever think there would be a place were I could talk to other people like me and have a proper discussion. Thank youuuu

 

[Tomos]

If i ever was in a relationship, i would prefer it if the person was also an aspie,

it would be much better, as we would hopefully understand and relate to each other more due to experiences with having asd.

 

[Observant]

I don't mind if they try to learn more about AS. If anything, it gives us an opportunity to inform neurotypical people about AS, and hopefully they will be more informed in the end.

Though I think those that some of the posts you speak of is more about not wanting to be alone than trying to understand why the relationship ended in the first place and moving on.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

Irony alert :

I find they are less willing to consider opposing viewpoints than us lot.
Not putting themselves in the other person's shoes .
Selfish sometimes.

Then there are the 'twisters'

They say x
I say look at this way.
Yeh but I didn't mean x I meant y
I say but you didn't address my point
DON'T BE SO AGGRESSIVE

But across any divide there are often many shifting sands,avoidances,deflections.
Usually communication is more of a problem than anything else
From both sides .
Often ownership of half the problems in the relationship is dismissed.. the ND gets 100% of it.


(BTW I put eggs in my shoes,really messes with the empaths. They pretend to know what I'm feeling but never mention the eggs)

 

[Thinx]

Well I work a lot with relationship issues and the majority of people I work with are NT. There are lots of reasons NT people may struggle in their relationships, attachment insecurity would be the number one issue I d mention, and that applies also as an issue for people on the autistic spectrum.

Attachment insecurity (or security) comes about through a mix of who we are as individuals and how we are brought up and our life chances early on and as we grow up. It affects how we make relationships and how we cope when we are in relationships.

Generally it's harder to manage relationship challenges when we have somewhat insecure attachment styles. Research estimates vary, but at least around a third of us have insecure attachment styles. Working on the relationship together and/or individually can help, because attachment security is developmental and can be augmented and in effect, learnt.

Insecurity is a double whammy because as well as meaning we are less likely to feel comfortable or ok if there are difficulties affecting us, it also usually means we find it harder to trust others to help, or to accept help, often based on what we experienced in earlier years. In relationships it often means we use anxious or avoidant strategies that may not be helpful, plus we find it harder to give more rope to our partner or assume they mean well.

This affects everyone, NT or Aspie. I think the degree our neurodiversity affects us in relationships varies, and part of the variation is likely to be about how secure or insecure our attachment style is in that relationship, in combination with the other person's unique characteristics and attachment style.

 

[SusanLR]

If these people are honestly wanting to learn more about ASD, that's great.
But, if they are looking for autistic traits to lay the blame on so it justifies their need to be
the one who did no wrong in the relationship, then no.
I seldom read the threads on NTs with aspie relationship breakups.
Only because I have had so few relationships in my lifetime that I feel I have very little to offer
for advice.

 

[Bella Pines]

Like I see so many posts where people who dont have AS come here asking for help on why their AS ex boyfriend/girlfriend has broken up with them...

Ha, I noticed that too with increasing frequency.

Personally, I really like it. There's an overwhelming lack of aspergers understanding in the world, so if an NT is striving to understand how the aspie brain works, I see that as a great thing and will do my best to help them and encourage it.

I see more NTs striving to understand aspies than the other way round. I do try to understand NTs, but I'm constantly fighting the part of me that still thinks that NTs can be cured and if they just learnt to think logically then the world would make much more sense. I know that's a skewed way of thinking and that I should simply accept and appreciate everyone for who they are, but I'm not there yet.

I don't worry too much about the NTs that are asking "why did he ditch me". It's over, move on. But I have infinite respect for the ones that are starting out or in the middle of an NT-aspie relationship. And who knows, if more relationships are successful, then one day there may be more aspies in the world, yay!

I think I remember @Mia once suggesting a FAQ area, the most common questions being "can an NT-aspie relationship work", "why did my aspie bf dump me" and "what can I do to save my relationship".

Interestingly I don't recall seeing an NT man trying to save a relationship with an aspie woman?

 

[Sid Delicious]

I am in no way saying that NT people shouldnt use this forum. I am fully with people learning and understanding. Id love for NT people to get involved with our community. But I 100% agree with starfire! What im seeing is "My otherhalf dumped me and its OBVIOUSLY because he has AS and theres so other reason at all''

I've been here a while and there is a definite trend. But I personally don't mind it. I tend to avoid most of those discussions, since the same comments/questions get repeated over and over again. But I have no issue with anyone coming here and asking questions, even if they do seem a bit one sided or pointless. I also used to hang out on forums designed for NTs with ASD partners and it was far more negative and biased. So I'm happy if NTs are visiting ASD forums, regardless of the initial reason. Perhaps they will read other threads while they're here and learn something about ASD in general?

I'm a bit of a defeatist when it comes to ASD-NT relationships after decades of my own experience, relationships between NTs and ASDs among my family and friends, and having read countless posts on this and other forums with the same issues and results. In a very small number of cases there will be a specific combination of shared interests, skills and personality traits that can keep an othewise failing relationship afloat. But in all honesty I don't expect most ASD-NT relationships to work out. And the ones that do tend to be very unhappy and stressful for one or both of the individuals involved. It isn't impossible and there are success stories. But statistically I would expect them to fail or end in agreed affairs (I know a couple of outwardly 'succesful' NT-ASD 'marriages' where they date other people but remain technically married for financial reasons) . Relationships require work even when the two people are very well matched. Most people, even those that are willing to put in the additional constant work required in an NT-ASD relationship, eventually burn out or the NT partner realises that their hard work will never amount to their ASD partner actually changing. So I rarely bother responding to the 'why did my relationship fail?', 'why won't my ASD partner learn to do x, y, z?', 'how can I fix my NT-ASD husband/boyfriend?' style posts as I believe in the majority of cases it's futile. Even the NTs that write their question as 'how can I change MY behaviour in order to fix the relationship?' are really looking for techniques they can employ to change the behaviour of their ASD partner. I've read the same things over and over on NT forums in less 'ASD friendly' language and it gets a bit tiring. I reads like 'what techniques can I use to get my dog to behave properly?'

Sorry to be blunt. Just my two cents!

 

[Progster]

I think that the this forum should be open to everyone, and it should be a place where NTs can feel welcome and seek relationship advice if they need to.

Some NTs come with good intentions and approach the matter with sensitivity, and a genuine desire to improve their relationship with their ASD partner by seeking advice and trying to understand ASD better. I have no problem with this, and welcome such people.

Some NTs even go further, by posting in other threads and joining in the discussion, and as long as they do so in a sensitive, non-judgemental manner, they are most welcome as far as I'm concerned. In fact, I wish more of them would, as many can really help us by explaining things from their perspective, making valuable contributions.

However, there is another kind of poster, what 'hit and run' kind of poster, the One Post Wonder - they come and make a thread after a break-up, which is usually a rant about all the failings of their ND partner, why doesn't he show affection, why doesn't he ever tell me he loves me, why doesn't he do this or do that, etc etc... you know the kind I mean. Often people spend a lot of time writing thoughtful replies with good, honest advice, but you never hear from the OP again... or there's the other kind, who will dispute everything you say, or expect you to somehow miraculously solve their problems for you, which you can't - these people are anonymous strangers on the internet... I don't know them, relationships are complex and it would just not be possible to convey the complete dynamics of their relationship on an internet forum or for me to fully understand it, so how can I advise? How can I possibly know whether they are compatible or not, whether they should break up, whether the ASD partner shoudl get tested, etc? What can I say? I rarely reply to these threads, because I don't know what to say, they need communicate to work in out themselves, or in the case of a break-up, they need to move on.

Very often it's not the fact that they are having difficulties understanding their ASD partner that's the main issue, it's the tone or language they use, and the insensitivity... some come across as a huge, long rant, or a long list of complaints and flaws. They need to remember the context of the forum - it's main purpose is a support forum for people with ASD, so they need to think a bit more about how the content of their posts might come acrosss to people with ASD, and express themselves with sensitivity in a non-judgemental way. Edit: if I were to visit an NT forum and rant and complain about my NT partner, I can probably expect a much more hostile reception there than any replies given here.
Another thing that strikes me is this: NTs have in this forum a huge resource at their disposal, information on ASD, a dating and relationships forum with numerous thread about NT/ASD relationships... if they want advice and questions answers, if they really do want to learn about ASD, then why don't they read the forums first? Do some research? Read the advice given to others with similar issues? Read this thread, with the thoughts and reactions to others who post about relationships. Get a feel for how people with ASD think and might react, before making their own thread. The impression I get is that most of them barely do any research, don't read around the forum to get a feel for it.

 

[Progster]

And, right on cue to prove the point I am making, another such thread has appeared... I wonder, did that person read any of the other numerous similar threads in the Love, Dating and Relationships section, before deciding to post their own thread?

 

[AO1501]

And, right on cue to prove the point I am making, another such thread has appeared... I wonder, did that person read any of the other numerous similar threads in the Love, Dating and Relationships section, before deciding to post their own thread?

If I had to guess, based on my former wife (an NT), I would say that the major reason many may not review other threads before posting their own is because they think their situation and relationship is different from anyone else's, thus even if they see threads already posted, they wouldn't regard them as relevant.

And reviewing them would take time, when some clearly feel a degree of urgency in seeking help from us. In this instance, an impending vacation which is now inexplicably (to the poster) up in the air and totally uncertain would, I think, explain it.

I rather think this is a problem to do with basic human nature - and hoping that will change because it would make sense if it did is not likely to get us anywhere.

 

[Tom]

 

[Mr Allen]

These people should apply to go on an Aspie centred edition of Jeremy Kyle, about relationship problems with their NT partners.

Yeah except the Jeremy Kyle show is full of Chavs.

 

[MrSpock]

...if they really do want to learn about ASD, then why don't they read the forums first? Do some research? Read the advice given to others with similar issues? Read this thread, with the thoughts and reactions to others who post about relationships. Get a feel for how people with ASD think and might react, before making their own thread. The impression I get is that most of them barely do any research, don't read around the forum to get a feel for it.

That's how I would approach it. But then that's logical. If these NTs in relationships with NDs were capable of logical dispassionate discussion of their relationships they'd probably already be doing that with their partners, and wouldn't get to the point where they need advice from us.

I do try to understand NTs, but I'm constantly fighting the part of me that still thinks that NTs can be cured and if they just learnt to think logically then the world would make much more sense. I know that's a skewed way of thinking and that I should simply accept and appreciate everyone for who they are, but I'm not there yet.

I was going to write a book that would have fixed the world, if only everyone read it. That was before I realized that I was on the spectrum, before I even knew what that was. Before I realized how different I am. They're never going to think logically outside of narrow situations in which reality has continually bitten them when they've ignored it. (Of course this is over-generalizing.) Expecting them to approach this logically is, I think, a bit like them expecting us to recognize hints and non-verbal communication.