Anyone else sick of people only coming here to get back their relationships?

[WildCat]

Only thing I'm sick of is people not listening or arguing with what they're being told here, incessantly complaining non-stop, throwing a fit because they didn't get what they wanted to hear, or giving off the impression that they're somehow flawless (hint: they're not) and that nothing could ever be their fault. I'm also (sort of) sick of getting only one side of the story, which can lead to people taking some potential bait without realizing it. You came to this forum seeking to know what makes your partner or loved one tick and to fix the situation, did you? Then listen and learn. Pretty simple, right? Apparently not for some people.

I'm willing to gamble that if someone with ASD did this on another forum (regardless of their intent), there's a higher chance they'd get misunderstood and told off in short order. Good thing that rarely happens here. I've noticed a tendency for folks here to listen first and then judge last versus outright dismissing someone and calling it a day.

 

[OlLiE]

why don't the admins create a separate menu tab, all past threads are there, give it a shiny label so the NT's see it easily, that way we don't have to repeat the same comments/ideas/advices over and over again

it's all been said over and over and over again

 

[Starfire]

This has turned into a very interesting thread with many posts which are food for thought for me. They have caused me to reconsider my position, because as a diagnosed Aspie married to a NT lady for 20 years, I must surly have something to offer people coming here for insight.

I’m not a mean person, and it isn’t that I don’t want to try to help and I think everyone’s welcome here, but the response to posts I have made make me think that some people, usually ‘hit and run’ one day members totally misunderstand what I say, and despite trying to do my best and putting time and effort into replies instead of reading what I actually write, they speed read what they want to read and are rude or dismissive in replies. This is making me now reluctant to reply to NTs with relationship problems.

I’m also beginning to wonder if it’s generational. I seem to get the most offhand or rude replies from NT people in their 20s or 30s. In general they seem the quickest to judge, the least likely to take any time to ponder over replies and the most likely to be offended, outraged or point out the shortcomings of those trying to help with little to work with. They often also claim to be be the most modern, inclusive, tolerant and open minded when in reality they are the complete opposite.

Perhaps in future I’ll try to be more considerate of NTs who come here from my generation, who also have some life experiences to draw on and don’t consider people like myself 50s or older as dinosaurs who live in the past and know nothing.

 

[AO1501]

@Starfire: One thing that occurs to me as really quite important, is that in the kind of threads we are discussing, not only would we hope that our NT visitors learn something from us that might help them, but that if those with a point of view amongst us contribute, we can learn a great deal from each other.

 

[Starfire]

@Starfire: One thing that occurs to me as really quite important, is that in the kind of threads we are discussing, not only would we hope that our NT visitors learn something from us that might help them, but that if those with a point of view amongst us contribute, we can learn a great deal from each other.

Ah, that’s a great point and not one I had considered previously! It seems obvious now but it’s not, many of them will disappear after a day or two never to be seen again once they get what they want. We however, are in it for the long haul and personally I do learn from fellow Aspies here on a daily basis, even on the threads which you are referring to although I hadn’t realised it until now. I just don’t like the kicking I get from some of the NTs if I misunderstand the problem or they don’t like my assessment which is always a genuine attempt to give a non biased opinion on an open question. They never seem to want to accept that it could also be that it may be them at fault for explaining their problem very poorly.

 

[AO1501]

Ah, that’s a great point and not one I had considered previously! It seems obvious now but it’s not, many of them will disappear after a day or two never to be seen again once they get what they want. We however, are in it for the long haul and personally I do learn from fellow Aspies here on a daily basis, even on the threads which you are referring to although I hadn’t realised it until now. I just don’t like the kicking I get from some of the NTs if I misunderstand the problem or they don’t like my assessment which is always a genuine attempt to give a non biased opinion on an open question. They never seem to want to accept that it could also be that it may be them at fault for explaining their problem very poorly.

I'd say keep going just as you are. Those who can learn from your contributions will do so, and those that can't are having a comprehension failure of their own.

It's not you, it's them!

 

[Bronwyn]

Ah, that’s a great point and not one I had considered previously! It seems obvious now but it’s not, many of them will disappear after a day or two never to be seen again once they get what they want. We however, are in it for the long haul and personally I do learn from fellow Aspies here on a daily basis, even on the threads which you are referring to although I hadn’t realised it until now. I just don’t like the kicking I get from some of the NTs if I misunderstand the problem or they don’t like my assessment which is always a genuine attempt to give a non biased opinion on an open question. They never seem to want to accept that it could also be that it may be them at fault for explaining their problem very poorly.

I see alot of replies from them are very passive aggressive which is quite toxic for people like us.

I saw one a lady posted and she isnt actually certain that he is AS. She just assumes he is and he wont tell her? I hope im not the only one who doesn't see how rude that is...
*Facepalm*

I would be happy getting the question when its from someone who is active here and supports us all. But for me personally im just seeing people signing up trying to get help on a relationship which is obviously not a happy one. I think its unhealthy behaviour if you are coming to site and sharing their PERSONAL details without permissions.
Imagine you finally join this site to accept your AS to find your ex chatting about you.

And for me as a young person who's single. Hopefully one day ill have a happy relationship but by these posts.... it seems like we are not capable of it. Due to one sidedness.

WE DEFO ARE !

I just hope we can encourage people to call out on these types of threads. I will be giving advice to these people and if they do not like the truth... then they shouldnt throw their toys out the pram. I will be sticking up for whats right!



(* I also made a forum post about successful relationships for AS/NT and so far only 1 NT person has responded...)

 

[PATILYN]

Same! id love a forum on advice for AS people written by NTs on finding love. Hopefully a NT person will see this and post

You can ask me anything you like ... Browyn ... it’s a give and take ..
Absolutely as it should be. .... I’ve had kindness and compassion shown to me by the members here and I am NT woman ... well into my middle years .... I’ve dated, I’ve been married and I’ve raised children, and I own a business. I have had autistic co-op kids work for me and I have a brother in law and nephew with Aspergers and I’ve loved a man with Aspergers. If there is anything you feel you want to understand better and you think I might know or could help with ...fire away!

 

[Bronwyn]

If we are goig t

You can ask me anything you like ... Browyn ... it’s a give and take ..
Absolutely as it should be. .... I’ve had kindness and compassion shown to me by the members here and I am NT woman ... well into my middle years .... I’ve dated, I’ve been married and I’ve raised children, and I own a business. I have had autistic co-op kids work for me and I have a brother in law and nephew with Aspergers and I’ve loved a man with Aspergers. If there is anything you feel you want to understand better and you think I might know or could help with ...fire away!

Thats amazing! Id love to pm you if thats okay about the relationships? I love that you can use this site for information to help with yout family and work colleagues. Im glad that its not all doom and gloom for AS love lives

 

[PATILYN]

If we are goig t

Thats amazing! Id love to pm you if thats okay about the relationships? I love that you can use this site for information to help with yout family and work colleagues. Im glad that its not all doom and gloom for AS love lives

Certainly ... message me ... who knows what we might discover ...

 

[Starfire]

I'd say keep going just as you are. Those who can learn from your contributions will do so, and those that can't are having a comprehension failure of their own.

It's not you, it's them!

Thank you that’s very encouraging.

 

[Progster]

Imagine you finally join this site to accept your AS to find your ex chatting about you.

Yeah, I've often wondered if this ever happens. I can imagine that it might.

 

[AloneNotLonely]

Not really. What you are forgetting is that every forum is dominated by relationship troubles, with the exception of certain niche interest forums. You shouldn't take it personally, people will grasp at any straw that can explain away their failed relationship. We just get the ones whose straw was "Autism".

For the ones I've seen most of them have little or nothing to do with the partners autism, although there were a few that I've seen where it was really connected.

My first 2 relationships went sour because of me being autistic, I've chosen to address the issue and all relationships after that ended because I'm an asshole with extremely high standards (Oh, and one crazy girl, no clue how that one slipped through the cracks). For me I do not want to be "the special person" that needs to be treated in a certain way or whose barbaric ways of dealing with an upset girlfriend need to be defended because "autism". I'll adjust, because I'm the one with autism and I'm the one that would end up unhappy if a good partner would be lost because I was too lazy to learn how to navigate their maze of illogical emotions.

But hey, if there are those that want to deal with it... and will ask for advice here... why not give them a hand? I'll give them a piece of my mind, and if they ignore my advice or it upsets them... their loss.

In fact... if there was any such advice for autistics that want to date NT's... it's pretty much the same advise as for anyone else... If you are having trouble it's one of 2 things: Your behaviour or your looks. I'm like the Jane Goodall of NT's, they are simple creatures that live by these qualities when it comes to dating. Being obsessed with trains is of no concern to them as long as you don't run a model train track through your entire house and you don't look like the kind of person that is obsessed with trains. Personally I don't understand, I don't care about trains (although they are handy methods of transportation) but I'd think it's totally awesome if someone has a model train track through their entire house. For some reason NT's don't feel the same. Yes they're a weird bunch.

 

[Suiseiseki]

It's quite ironic since I would assume most people here never been in a relationship so they have no clue

 

[Progster]

It's quite ironic since I would assume most people here never been in a relationship so they have no clue

Why do you assume that? I don't think it's true. I think that most people here have been in a relationship at some point in their life - whether the relationship is successful and works out for them is a different story.

 

[Suiseiseki]

Why do you assume that? I don't think it's true. I think that most people here have been in a relationship at some point in their life - whether the relationship is successful and works out for them is a different story.

I would disagree, and if most people have then I am a bigger loser then I ever thought lol
(And here I thought I was doing alright lol)

I've been around a long time, I think the vast majority of autistics (especially men) are single and always have been.

 

[Judge]

Why do you assume that? I don't think it's true. I think that most people here have been in a relationship at some point in their life - whether the relationship is successful and works out for them is a different story.

This- in a nutshell. Granted there may be a fair percentage of those on the spectrum who have never had any kind of emotional/sexual relationship with another, but I'm inclined to believe that a majority of us have had such experiences.

Though what may be significant is an inability to make such relationships work in the long run.

As for NTs seeking answers from their failed relationships, I can't fault them for doing as such. At least they reflect those who are aware of autism to some minor degree. That's better than being completely oblivious to we who are on the spectrum.

 

[Progster]

It's quite ironic since I would assume most people here never been in a relationship so they have no clue

I've been around a long time, I think the vast majority of autistics (especially men) are single and always have been.

It was really your assertion that most people here have never been in a relationship that I was disputing - I take 'here' to mean this forum - on reading around the forum, the evidence is to the contrary, I would say that the majority of people on this forum have experienced a relationship, or romantic encounter, at some point in their lives.

If you were to take the autistic population as a whole (not just those on this forum), the figures would be different, you'd probably find that far fewer had experienced such a relationship.

 

[Lady Lucifer]

It bothers me and it frustrates me, but I know why these people do it. I can totally see a NT ex partner or parent coming on these forums seeking "guidance" to their situation, as we aspies see things differently.

What bothers me is the fact that these NT have to explicitly state that their ex was ASD. Why would you come here if your a NT dating another NT? Now, I understand if the ASD and the NT are currently dating and having some managble issues. But I think when it comes to exs, it bothers me. But I'm not gonna get anal about it either.

I don't read those forums, as I know people's empathy towards ASD differ and I don't want to go guns blazing on someone who is empathtic towards ASD. Mabey they broke up for other reasons? Mabey it wasn't the ASD? I know two of three of my past relationships had nothing to do with my ASD.

I feel they feel AS might have something to do with it, so they feel they are more likely to receive better advice if they reach out to aspies.

Same. A lot of aspies get as what the kids call "butt hurt" about the terms "high" or "low" functioning. The reason why we have these terms is so NT could understand the spectrem better and that some of the "low" functioning may have a struggle in certain area. (i.e: relationships) For example: if an NT and aspie were dating and the aspie always insulted the NT, whenever she didn't agree with his opinions. Then yes, I do believe low functioning ASD has something to do with it.