Anyone else sick of people only coming here to get back their relationships?

[Bronwyn]

Like I see so many posts where people who dont have AS come here asking for help on why their AS ex boyfriend/girlfriend has broken up with them...
Like are you trying to say that its the AS thats broken you up? How do we know why you broke up I can see that it helps them understand things but from the way they talk its pretty rude. Like im seeing people only signing up to post this stuff?
I think its very problematic.
What do you guys think?

 

[jacinto]

well I basically hate people in general, but I think the more informed people are about this stuff the better. There sure is a crazy amount of posts like that. Doesn't bother me really

 

[SunnyDay16]

I feel they feel AS might have something to do with it, so they feel they are more likely to receive better advice if they reach out to aspies. I don't really mind though since the communication differences can be very different and hurt relationships if they are not addressed.

 

[Starfire]

Like I see so many posts where people who dont have AS come here asking for help on why their AS ex boyfriend/girlfriend has broken up with them...
Like are you trying to say that its the AS thats broken you up? How do we know why you broke up I can see that it helps them understand things but from the way they talk its pretty rude. Like im seeing people only signing up to post this stuff?
I think its very problematic.
What do you guys think?

I absolutely agree with you, and in future I won’t be responding to them. They ask people on the spectrum for their advice or opinions but in reality don’t respect an honest reply. It seems many of them only want their own opinion parroted back, or for you to agree with them. Anything which deviates from this causes offence or warrants a hostile or curt reply. Once they’ve dumped their load, they are gone never to be seen again!

I don’t have time for people who only take. I come here to comunícate with people on the spectrum and people who are empathetic to us, not act as an agony aunt to NTs who are incapable of managing their own personal lives or of accepting honesty, or our individual points of view simply because it’s not what they want to hear.

 

[Bronwyn]

If it was just a few posts then id be okay and would probably engage but it seems like most of the people who dont have AS only post their relationship problems. Maybe its because im very 'if ya not happy then end it' type of person.
Id be so offended if an ex was posting in forums asking strangers why we broke up. Its like people dont respect our decisions. We arent 'stupid', if we dont want to be with someone and decide to end it dont try to get in our heads to validate it.
Im probably getting across wrongly.
Sorry if I offend anyone with my words.

 

[Sloth]

I think it's a good thing because it demonstrates more people trying to learn and understand Aspies, sure it might only be once they are directly affected by it and for selfish reasons, but it's still a good thing. I agree that if they frame it like "my partner has ASD and that means they are broken, how do I fix them?" that would be offensive and annoying, but most posts I see tend to be respectful and genuine. It's probably not the primary goal of this forum, but I think it's a very positive and beneficial aspect of it. Whether it's useful or not is for them to decide, but they have the right to ask.

I'm highly against the notion that forums like these should be limited to only people on the spectrum, or only to high-functioning people on the spectrum. That's the type of elitism that many of us face in the NT world, it doesn't make sense to also engage in the same. Everyone can have different goals for the site.

Also don't worry about posting your opinion, that is what forums are for anyways.

 

[MrSpock]

AS may not always be THE reason people break up, but it's certainly a factor. Even if it's not a cause, it's something that has to be taken into account.

Occasionally I get the sense that a neurotypical person has come here just to seek justification for ending something, I recently read an NT say that they wanted to learn more about us so as to avoid us in the future. Not nice. But the majority seem to be here to learn more because they care about one of us, and I wish that more NTs were willing to learn more about us.

I am hoping to find a person to share my life with, and chances are that if I do they will not be on the spectrum. This is not an easy task, and I need to learn about this if I'm to be successful. Conversation with NT women trying to make romance work with an aspie guy is, for me, a great opportunity that I wish would happen more in real life. I'm sure that I'm not the only aspie who finds the presence of such people to be a valuable part of this site.

I'm sure that I would find many threads here irritating if I were forced to read them all. I'm not forced to read any.

I suppose whether or not I were offended by an ex asking why we broke up would depend on the circumstances. If it were due to miscommunication that would be quite reasonable. The vast majority of problems I have had in this area are due to miscommunication. A third party is often good for this sort of thing, hence arbitrators, mediators and relationship counsellors.

 

[Bronwyn]

I am in no way saying that NT people shouldnt use this forum. I am fully with people learning and understanding. Id love for NT people to get involved with our community. But I 100% agree with starfire! What im seeing is "My otherhalf dumped me and its OBVIOUSLY because he has AS and theres so other reason at all''

 

[Tom]

I've expressed frustration about it at times.

One being that since we only get one side we can not really evaluate the situation objectively. Two is that is often after the breakup has occurred. And all the King's horses and all the Queen's men... So there is a futility about it.

But even if the relationship hasn't broken up, and the NT open to learning, unless the Aspie is also involved in the basic work (changing and compromise) making an ASD/NT relationship succeed you are back on Futility Street.

 

[Bronwyn]

AS may not always be THE reason people break up, but it's certainly a factor. Even if it's not a cause, it's something that has to be taken into account.

Occasionally I get the sense that a neurotypical person has come here just to seek justification for ending something, I recently read an NT say that they wanted to learn more about us so as to avoid us in the future. Not nice. But the majority seem to be here to learn more because they care about one of us, and I wish that more NTs were willing to learn more about us.

I am hoping to find a person so share my life with, and chances are that if I do they will not be on the spectrum. This is not an easy task, and I need to learn about this if I'm to be successful. Conversation with NT women trying to make romance work with an aspie guy is, for me, a great opportunity that I wish would happen more in real life. I'm sure that I'm not the only aspie who finds the presence of such people to be a valuable part of this site.

I'm sure that I would find many threads here irritating if I were forced to read them all. I'm not forced to read any.

I suppose whether or not I were offended by an ex asking why we broke up would depend on the circumstances. If it were due to miscommunication that would be quite reasonable. The vast majority of problems I have had in this area are due to miscommunication. A third party is often good for this sort of thing, hence arbitrators, mediators and relationship counsellors.

Same! id love a forum on advice for AS people written by NTs on finding love. Hopefully a NT person will see this and post

 

[Tomos]

If there asking people they don't even know, about why they broke up in the first place, then they shouldn't of been with them in the first place.

Also if they assume it's because of there partners Aspergers, then i feel like they are using that as a excuse to leave or to deflect any blame or responsibility on there part.

Don't get me wrong, no everyone will use that as an excuse, but i would not be surprised if a few people will though. there are people out that are horrible enough to stoop that low to make out there the good guy and use it as an excuse to get leave the relationship.

 

[AO1501]

I'm inclined to believe that if we hope for the tolerance and understanding of others, we should be prepared to also offer it. And that if we suffer the judgement of others, it really doesn't do us justice to judge others either.

Since I participate in some of the threads being questioned here, clearly I have no issues with NTs coming here to ask questions when they are in need. I don't read into many of the threads being posted any implication that the relationship has ended because of AS, and if I did, I would either ignore the thread or post a corrective comment in that respect. Otherwise, mindful of the fact that as a community we have considerable collective knowledge and understanding of what it is like to be on the autism spectrum and how that impacts on us individually, not to mention a treasure-trove of personal experiences to relate, I have zero problem with anyone joining, or returning, to ask for some advice, guidance or simply to help with what is all too often one of life's most painful and difficult experiences.

Being human, like they are, helping seems the right thing to do. And interestingly, it also helps me, perhaps others, also learn, so it is not entirely a one-way street.

 

[MrSpock]

id love a forum on advice for AS people written by NTs on finding love. Hopefully a NT person will see this and post

I can't see a group of NTs spontaneously getting together to do that by themselves. If such a forum were to exist, it would probably end up being more populated by AS people than by NTs. If those people were allowed to post on other topics, it would probably look a lot like... this. We can best improve the amount of NT advice for us by encouraging them to come here for whatever reason they choose.

Also if they assume it's because of there partners Aspergers, then i feel like they are using that as a excuse to leave or to deflect any blame or responsibility on there part.

I am single. I assume that it's because of Asperger's. My Asperger's, not the other people's. I am not perfect, there are other problems. Because I choose to address this problem does not mean that I have no responsibility, it means that I am taking responsibility for the situation I am in, and a significant part of that situation is Asperger's. I would be a fool to ignore it.

 

[Tomos]

I can't see a group of NTs spontaneously getting together to do that by themselves. If such a forum were to exist, it would probably end up being more populated by AS people than by NTs. If those people were allowed to post on other topics, it would probably look a lot like... this. We can best improve the amount of NT advice for us by encouraging them to come here for whatever reason they choose.

I think there are a few groups on facebook that centre around NT people who have aspie parters.

 

[Nervous Rex]

I'm not sick of them. If too many of the questions do seem the same, I would write a canned response. Something along the lines of:

Welcome. I hope you can gain more understanding about ASD here. However, please understand that every single person is unique, whether autistic or not. There is no single formula for how to relate to, communicate with, or get along with an autistic person. Every good relationship is hard work and requires effort and sacrifice from both people. If you are not both willing and able to put the work in, the relationship won't fix itself.

It needs some polishing, but that's a start.

 

[tducey]

I like that in this group we have a wide variety of subjects being discussed. From job advice to relationship advice anything that can be done to help someone along should be welcomed.

 

[Iamnotarabot]

No.
People post on a forum related to ASD about their ASD friend and loved one, I guess its related to the forum.


Well its also a subject I cant realy talk about since iv never been in any kind of relationship so I can't realy talk about it.

But yeah is they try to find some kind of precise answer about why they relationship failed they will be disapointed for sure.

Its not like ASD is the only thing that can ruin a relationship btw.

 

[Starfire]

But yeah is they try to find some kind of precise answer about why they relationship failed they will be disapointed for sure.

Its not like ASD is the only thing that can ruin a relationship btw.

Exactly! So how can they possibly expect answers from complete strangers on a forum they joined 10 minutes previously. Especially when any answers would be based on only one side of the story, and from only a couple of paragraphs. I don’t get it.

 

[Peter Morrison]

For an NT to put social and behavioral demands on someone on the spectrum is akin to demanding that someone who is 4' tall reach the top shelf in the cupboard. Usually the NT doesn't understand the intricacies of living with Aspergers. They want to "fix" it so that the Aspie behaves the way they want. I think that many of the NTs looking for help on this site are reaching out for some level of understanding or something to help them grasp the condition to find a way to interact properly with their AS partner. Since many who plead for help with their AS partner are clueless about AS, their questions seem immature and their frustration can sound like nagging. It is my belief that those seeking help deserve attention. The most useful attention would be for them to learn about and understand the condition, not how to fix it. As many have said, the issues in relationships with a person on the spectrum are not limited to the AS condition alone, but if you don't make an effort to understand the person who is incapable of escaping the condition, then you are not exhibiting kindness or support in the relationship. We have to admit that being on the spectrum is not a joyride for those around us. We have trouble understand them as much as they have trouble understanding us.

 

[Iamnotarabot]

Exactly! So how can they possibly expect answers from complete strangers on a forum they joined 10 minutes previously. Especially when any answers would be based on only one side of the story, and from only a couple of paragraphs. I don’t get it.

Well I can understand that they may try to understand some "weird behaviors" that people with ASD tends to have, other than that...it looks like a dead end yeah.

Iv read some messages about people being a bit abused by people claiming to have ASD , iv also read about people who cant stand some ASD traits they first overlooked before... I mean, its a good thing if they find a place to talk about it, and if you cant relate to the topic /dont like it just dont click on the topic and start anoter one hehe.

Edit : the 2nd part of the post isnt related to your answer Starfire^^ but its related to this topic in general ( blaming NT that talks about their relationship with aspies.)