Are these types of social problems either normal or common for people with autism?

[Au Naturel]

ever since social media came into existance, for example, MySpace, Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, etc., it has no doubt changed the way we humans interact with people, this has always hurt me, and i'm sure it happens to more people than we think, realize, as in, once we befriend someone or become acquianted with someone on social media, its very difficult to balance on how much we should message each other, as in, we don't want to message the other person too much up to the point of harassment or annoying, bothersome, but at the same time, we don't want to go too long without messaging them because we don't want to lose a friendship or relationship, or what was the beginning of one, it can feel like a catch-22. It feels like damned if you do, damned if you don't.

To sum it up, you don't want to annoy or bother the other person, and the same time, you don't want to feel you are ignoring or neglecting the other person.

I'd send three messages. If I didn't get a response, I wouldn't send any more messages until I got one back. Don't want to act needy. You can send endless messages and get more and more depressed over the lack of response and maybe really irritate the other person to boot. Ghosting is a very common way to end a relationship or maybe not start one to begin with. It is how the dating scene works.

 

[paloftoon]

I'd send three messages. If I didn't get a response, I wouldn't send any more messages until I got one back. Don't want to act needy. You can send endless messages and get more and more depressed over the lack of response and maybe really irritate the other person to boot. Ghosting is a very common way to end a relationship or maybe not start one to begin with. It is how the dating scene works.

If you've never met the person, I think 3 messages is too much. It's possible for them to miss one message, but then you could try a second one. I wouldn't try a third message unless you know the person at least a little, then maybe.

 

[All-Rounder]

Welcome to the wonderful world of autism, where all kinds of messed up stuff happens, and we don't understand why. If you ask an NT why, maybe they'll just say something about "bad vibes." Maybe they'll mention something specific that may or may not be useful in the future. Maybe they'll make up a comfortable lie. Or maybe they'll tell you that you know exactly what you did and bug off. (I've had that one a few times.)

I think a major problem we have is the inability to distinguish between friendly acquaintances and friends. I have had a few of the former, and in 68 years, I can count the latter on the fingers of one hand.

A friend is someone who genuinely enjoys the pleasure of your company. There's a bond there because simply having you there is rewarding.

A friendly acquaintance might like one aspect of your personality or only in a particular situation or only at a distance. Too much "you" and it gets annoying. Or they might just be a generally friendly person towards everyone. Because of neediness, we tell ourselves that these are friends.

I've had a couple of people who wanted to be my friends but I just couldn't be a friend back. We lacked shared interests and had uncomplimentary personality types. No pleasure in their company. They felt very needy and clingy. I was barely keeping my own head above water and couldn't spare the energy. So I kept them at arm's length. Possibly a mistake, but probably necessary, given what I was going through at the time.

Precisely this and we tend to make that mistake with people at work because we don't have many people in life. But that can be dangerous because these people can also be in direct competition with us and betray us.

 

[Tony Ramirez]

I agree. I felt left out all my life especially with women, All I want is one female friend but that's impossible really. It makes me so depressed how normal get it so easy, I try busy my ass be nice to everyone and I am treated like garbage really for no reason by women. I am ostracized. I am excluded from groups. Yes I might be included from things like game night but then when it really matters I'm really excluded because I knew see they'll hang out with them to exclude me when it really matters like yesterday at the beach it was a big disaster when I had a big horrible vacation with my parents they didn't care one bit to even hang out with me but then Gretchen the backstabber and Ryan who looks like a prisoner they are already platonic friends ain't no me busting my ass trying to be friends with Madison who made me so depressed simple friend who I thought was a friend who came to me at a coffee shop ignored my ass all this time wouldn't even hang out me at all and here is Gretchen and Ryan Ryan Bailey even came to the church hanging out with her and hanging out with her had a ride with her and already friends with her and it's not fair it's not damn Fair that I've tried my best all because he is a normal and he could socialize I try socializing and I'm treating like garbage all the damn time and since it's not fair it's. not fair I just feel like giving up giving up.

Then I am the selfish one I'm always called selfish when someone else does the same thing they are praise and thankful and what really pisses me off is the fact is that they can do something and say something that's insulting but if they laugh about it but when I do something that's not even that insulting I am shun and I am cold nasty things and I am cold and I am insensitive and I ain't say that I am insulting and I am being the one that is being nasty it makes no sense why they can say really nasty things and they can laugh about it but if I say something that's not even offensive to be I'm the one that mean cold nasty and I don't know but I am speaking the same language but for me it seems like I'm speaking Klingon but it's not even it's not even English it's just doesn't make sense it's the same language but to them it's not the same language.

 

[Steelbookcollector217]

If you've never met the person, I think 3 messages is too much. It's possible for them to miss one message, but then you could try a second one. I wouldn't try a third message unless you know the person at least a little, then maybe.

yeah i'll never forget what you wrote to me months ago

 

[paloftoon]

I agree. I felt left out all my life especially with women, All I want is one female friend but that's impossible really. It makes me so depressed how normal get it so easy, I try busy my ass be nice to everyone and I am treated like garbage really for no reason by women. I am ostracized. I am excluded from groups. Yes I might be included from things like game night but then when it really matters I'm really excluded because I knew see they'll hang out with them to exclude me when it really matters like yesterday at the beach it was a big disaster when I had a big horrible vacation with my parents they didn't care one bit to even hang out with me but then Gretchen the backstabber and Ryan who looks like a prisoner they are already platonic friends ain't no me busting my ass trying to be friends with Madison who made me so depressed simple friend who I thought was a friend who came to me at a coffee shop ignored my ass all this time wouldn't even hang out me at all and here is Gretchen and Ryan Ryan Bailey even came to the church hanging out with her and hanging out with her had a ride with her and already friends with her and it's not fair it's not damn Fair that I've tried my best all because he is a normal and he could socialize I try socializing and I'm treating like garbage all the damn time and since it's not fair it's. not fair I just feel like giving up giving up.

Then I am the selfish one I'm always called selfish when someone else does the same thing they are praise and thankful and what really pisses me off is the fact is that they can do something and say something that's insulting but if they laugh about it but when I do something that's not even that insulting I am shun and I am cold nasty things and I am cold and I am insensitive and I ain't say that I am insulting and I am being the one that is being nasty it makes no sense why they can say really nasty things and they can laugh about it but if I say something that's not even offensive to be I'm the one that mean cold nasty and I don't know but I am speaking the same language but for me it seems like I'm speaking Klingon but it's not even it's not even English it's just doesn't make sense it's the same language but to them it's not the same language.

I've never met you, but I sense it's more than just being on the spectrum. It's a part of it, but it's not all of it.

You are in the wrong circles, because the majority of these people do not live with their parents anymore I'm guessing. So, it makes it hard to relate and it takes a lot of time and energy from them to want to hang out with you- so they don't. They don't tell you this because you wouldn't be able to handle it well and saying this outright would accomplish nothing unfortunately. You need to be in spaces where you and the other person can offer each other something beneficial enough to both/all parties involved. You don't have your race as a factor thankfully.

So, have you tried looking for non-church groups to hang with (in addition), because this church thing isn't working out for you socially. Maybe an autistic specific social group because you would be understood at least.

 

[Steelbookcollector217]

I've never met you, but I sense it's more than just being on the spectrum. It's a part of it, but it's not all of it.

You are in the wrong circles, because the majority of these people do not live with their parents anymore I'm guessing. So, it makes it hard to relate and it takes a lot of time and energy from them to want to hang out with you- so they don't. They don't tell you this because you wouldn't be able to handle it well and saying this outright would accomplish nothing unfortunately. You need to be in spaces where you and the other person can offer each other something beneficial enough to both/all parties involved. You don't have your race as a factor thankfully.

So, have you tried looking for non-church groups to hang with (in addition), because this church thing isn't working out for you socially. Maybe an autistic specific social group because you would be understood at least.

yeah, not saying that Tony is completely at fault for everything on how his life turned out to be, but i do believe his parents failed him a lot, his parents were either abusive or not nurturing enough growing up, very dysfunctional family.

 

[paloftoon]

yeah, not saying that Tony is completely at fault for everything on how his life turned out to be, but i do believe his parents failed him a lot, his parents were either abusive or not nurturing enough growing up, very dysfunctional family.

Well, his parents care about him at least enough to let him live with them instead of making him live on the streets.
I'm guessing his parents do not understand autism, because otherwise they would be trying to help him be exposed to a variety of social groups.

Tony is in the biggest city in the country, but I don't know how good he is at getting around and all the other logistics that he has to deal with. People that one wants to consider being friends with with another person, they invisibly consider these things to see if their general habits could interfere with their own lives such as if Tony might try to ask someone else to drive him back home without being able to pay any gas money etc.