Are you blunt? People tell you that you should not have said that?

[Gritches]

I try not to be, because it's extremely rare that I get to be blunt and polite at the same time. However, by that same virtue, if I talk too much I end up being more blunt/impolite than I should be, so yes, I am pretty blunt.

 

[jande107]

Horrifically yes, but it's what got me my job's and weeded out certain undesirable people in my life. My family is used to it except one that was also one of my teachers in high school. She was an English and Psych teacher of which I had her for both classes. Psych class comes and I get kicked out class multiple times for being "straight forward" and "honest". It was an extreme interest at the time so I read ahead a lot and did a lot of teaching behind the scenes. She related so many of her lessons to her dogs and one day she related a lesson that couldn't possibly be related to a dog as there was no way to measure the results with a dog as they are non-verbal. I stood up and told her that we didn't care about her dogs, we were there to learn about psychology, not her dogs. I was sent to the office to talk to my counselor about my behavior, sort it out and she chalked it up to a bad day (all my other teachers took care of the blunt problems themselves after class and never reported anything).

My current job hired me because I was blunt in my interview. I told them flat out that I intended to do my job and to do it well and to make money. That was the point of the job, to keep a roof over my head, food on my table, and a vehicle to get me from A to B. I told them I wasn't there to make friends, I just wanted to do the job. They commended me for being blunt and I got a call back a couple days later. I've proven that I can do my job and do it well, but I never score well on teamwork in my one on one evals. The rest of my scorecard evens it out and they don't mind.

 

[fairy_girl]

All the time but it used to give me high anxiety over it. For now I have decided not to care and let the drama roll off me. I might be blunt but it's just so much easier then talking too much to hoping and praying that the person will get the hint...whatever that might be. I don't have time to try to figure out what you are trying to get out and I would hope you would just tell me not to do whatever is ticking you off. Life would be so much simpler if everyone followed that rule.

 

[VioletHaze_03]

With those around me off the internet: no, i am way too anxious for that. on the internet: i am so honest that sometimes it's actually scary. although in real life, sometimes i say things that aren't exactly socially apropriate. being blunt and honest is important!

 

[owlet]

Sometimes. I'm generally to-the-point, but I've also been told I'm polite and I don't like the idea of causing people upset. I just tend to say what I think about things, unless I'm talking to people I don't know - in which case I'm more likely to just be very quiet.

 

[Mr Allen]

Not sure about bluntness, but I don't pull any punches, I tell it like it is, if that's considered blunt then so be it.

 

[pamelaperejil]

I always have people telling me I am to blunt. They criticize me over it, but I do think it is something beneficial under the right circumstances...Are you blunt? Is it intentional, or accidental? Have you lost friends because of this? really, this is just an open discussion on the subject matter.

I'm blunt. I tend to think that, as you say, it facilitates communication and gets things out in the open that would otherwise fester. Also, I appreciate, above all else, people who are blunt with me. Nothing makes me angrier, or more nervous, than people who think one thing while saying something else. Being straight saves me the anxiety of reading between the lines, of guessing and potentially getting it wrong, and of making some disastrous unseen blunder that destroys a relationship. Nothing is more frustrating than realizing someone has this long rap sheet on me that I never knew about. I'm simply not good at making judgement calls about what's called for and much prefer to have things spelled out for me. I also dislike inefficient and inaccurate communication for it's own sake. It's just kind of a pet peeve.

I just lost a valuable friend by being too blunt and insensitive to his feelings. I was trying to help him and (in a backwards way) to honor him by shooting straight with him instead of disseminating, but I misjudged what was called for in the situation. I failed to give him the support, trust, and acceptance he needed (instead giving him the honesty and directness that I needed), and it destroyed our relationship. Although maybe that's just a sign that our relationship was on the rocks anyway. I do kind of have a need to be free to talk straight with the people I'm close to. This is necessary for me to feel at ease and feel like I can really trust them. That need of mine is as great as his need for acceptance and support, so maybe it's just a case of incompatibility.

Still sucks though.

 

[Judge]

Frequently. I'm apt to think it's a common trait with so many on the spectrum. And yes, it means we're prone to social disaster on occasion with Neurotypicals.

Quite frankly I have to be really on top of my game of masking to avoid it. And sometimes no matter how much I try it just doesn't happen. Yeah- it sucks. Except perhaps for those occasional times when you absolutely need to get to the point regardless of any considerations of social conventions.

 

[pamelaperejil]

I think this is the ideal to strive for. I don't always hit it:

I think the secret lies in striking a balance between the message and the other-message. The message being: you do xyz and it bothers me. The other message being: how *could* you do that? It's related to the idea that in everyone there exists both an adult and a child. Provided you've phrased it correctly, the adult hears the message. But the child still hears the other message, and then converts it to: you're a horrible person, I don't love you!!! It's almost impossible for the child *not* to hear that, even when you're perfectly polite, mature, respectful, diplomatic. The adult will "get" all that. The child won't. And there's no sense expecting people not to have a child-side. They *will* have it. So the trick is in respecting both sides, the child and the adult. Finding a way to speak to both of them. You speak to the adult with reason and logic. You speak to the child by recognizing and soothing his emotions.

In other words, I don't think you have to give up being direct and honest. Those are good qualities, and they serve a real purpose. But if you throw in some sugar for the child at the same time, you likely be more effective. It's not an either-or. It's about finding a balance between speaking to someone's inner adult and speaking to their inner child.

 

[Mary Anne]

Heck yes, I am blunt and it gets me into trouble. I have gotten a whole lot better in my 60s now. But still get into trouble. I disagree that women are usually less blunt. I have known a lot of women who were extremely blunt, while men were much softer and kinder.

 

[Progster]

Yes, I am often accused of being blunt, when to my mind, I'm just being honest about my feelings.

 

[Ezra]

Pretty much.

 

[DCA]

I think bluntness was an issue I've had in the past & got into a few arguments about it. But these days if it is something I perceive as being important, I'll stop & think about how I respond for a few seconds, considering how I can speak in a way that is both truthful & honest, while not being hurtful. Something I work hard at.

Edit: I also learned a very long time ago that sometimes it's better to just keep your mouth shut. That also helps too!

 

[Mush]

How often do people say that you shouldn’t have said something or shouldn’t have done something in a certain situation?

For me, it’s mostly my wife and my sister that lives near me. Because they form the bulk of my social connections I am almost always reminded after the fact that something I said should have remained inside my head and not have been delivered by my mouth.

This has happened my WHOLE life. At least now I know why I say the things I do. It’s usually a question which I am genuinely interested in knowing the answer to, but is apparently rude in neurotypical society.

Questions like how old a lady is. How much your car cost or your house. What happened to make you limp. Things like that.

My wife said something today about a fact I shared with some friends the other week. It wasn’t an embarrassing fact or anything, just that it was something they didn’t need to know and that those sort of things are best kept from exiting my lips.

When I’m told these things, I can honestly say I find it impossible to see why there is an issue.

I really struggle with this because I try so very hard to make conversation, but often end up saying things that neurotypical s might find offensive because of cultural sensitivities.

It’s probably why I regularly end up sitting by the pool alone, with some food in one hand and a drink in the other.

I don’t get depressed about it, but it does bother me and sometimes I just feel that people need to chill out and poop that big stick out of their bottom.

Asking hard questions seems like a perfectly sensible way to get past all the nonsense of chit chat and really dig into a persons character. That’s the part I interested in.

I want to see the raw person. Not the masked version they play hide their true self.

These recent isolation measures have been interesting as I have seen a different side of some people I know when using the Marco Polo app.

People seem to really open up and reveal much more of themselves to a faceless camera than to a real person. The makeup comes off. The politeness vanishes and the raw character is put on display.

As an aspie, does anyone else just try to push past all the trivial stuff to get to the real character and not waste time?

 

[Aspychata]

I have battled with this all my life. Now l try to gently ask a question. Somethings are off limits like you shouldn't ask complete strangers about what they paid for their house because it involves money. But they may volunteer it.
One time l told this lady her outfit looked like Big Bird from Sesame Street. But it could have been seen as derogatory and it exited my mouth too quickly. So now l just shut up. But l think we just are information gathers. I do find a lot of people disclose a lot of personal stuff to me. Not really sure why.

Side note: her outfit was the same yellow as big bird, and she was a bigger round shape like as big bird, and sadly it left my stupid mouth.

I find if l am stressed - l repeat things and say stupid things so l speak less during not so great days.

 

[Aspychata]

That you shouldn’t have said something or shouldn’t have done something in a certain situation.

For me, it’s mostly my wife and my sister that lives near me. Because they form the bulk of my social connections I am almost always reminded after the fact that something I said should have remained inside my head and not have been delivered by my mouth.

This has happened my WHOLE life. At least now I know why I say the things I do. It’s usually a question which I am genuinely interested in knowing the answer to, but is apparently rude in neurotypical society.

Questions like how old a lady is. How much your car cost or your house. What happened to make you limp. Things like that.

My wife said something today about a fact I shared with some friends the other week. It wasn’t an embarrassing fact or anything, just that it was something they didn’t need to know and that those sort of things are best kept from exiting my lips.

When I’m told these things, I can honestly say I find it impossible to see why there is an issue.

I really struggle with this because I try so very hard to make conversation, but often end up saying things that neurotypical s might find offensive because of cultural sensitivities.

It’s probably why I regularly end up sitting by the pool alone, with some food in one hand and a drink in the other.

I don’t get depressed about it, but it does bother me and sometimes I just feel that people need to chill out and poop that big stick out of their bottom.

Asking hard questions seems like a perfectly sensible way to get past all the nonsense of chit chat and really dig into a persons character. That’s the part I interested in.

I want to see the raw person. Not the masked version they play hide their true self.

These recent isolation measures have been interesting as I have seen a different side of some people I know when using the Marco Polo app.

People seem to really open up and reveal much more of themselves to a faceless camera than to a real person. The makeup comes off. The politeness vanishes and the raw character is put on display.

As an aspie, does anyone else just try to push past all the trivial stuff to get to the real character and not waste time?

Sorry they keep telling you this. It would make me sad to be constantly told this. Just outright ask your wife how would she phrase your question? Sometimes asking nicely gives you info and you don't come across so harsh. Another technique is to find something nice to say that is true and then sneak your question in. Example - you are so happy today, that's great. By the way- how much did you pay for that car- l am so curious.

 

[sport]

I have been told in private by my wife something I said was blunt and not nice she had to explain to me.

 

[Mush]

Sorry they keep telling you this. It would make me sad to be constantly told this. Just outright ask your wife how would she phrase your question? Sometimes asking nicely gives you info and you don't come across so harsh. Another technique is to find something nice to say that is true and then sneak your question in. Example - you are so happy today, that's great. By the way- how much did you pay for that car- l am so curious.

I’ve grown up with it, so I’m kinda used to it. My mother was always telling me to stop staring, don’t ask questions like that etc.

I have a pretty thick skin and it’s hard to offend me. I get mostly annoyed when there are confusion in communication between myself and other people.

My wife is a good medium between me and others. She will often quietly and privately explain misunderstandings. It was a great relief to her when I got a formal diagnosis, because she always knew there was some sort of issue, she just wasn’t sure.

She’s very kind about it, mostly. Sometimes I do ask or say some pretty strange things that even after I’ve said them I myself realise maybe I should have shut my mouth.

She said I’ve gotten a lot better over the last couple of years. Mostly since we started going to a new church that is a lot more accepting of people as they are and a lot less judgemental. They even have people with tattoos!

 

[SDRSpark]

Are you blunt? Is it intentional, or accidental? Have you lost friends because of this? really, this is just an open discussion on the subject matter.

My mom always called me "brutally honest". I'm like a 32 year old child...I have no filter. Sometimes it's funny (I say things I should keep to myself and don't actually have an opportunity to "think before you speak" because I don't have a conscious thought before the words are already coming out of my mouth and I am hearing it for the first time at the same time everyone else is and sometimes, I'm just as surprised as they are! People have a tendency not to believe me when I tell them this either. It got me in a lot of trouble in school, not as much as an adult.)

I totally miss any social "rules" that have to do with "office politics" and the like. I just say what's on my mind, to whoever is relevant and find it really impossible to play the little games that "polite society" insists that I should play. Fortunately, most of the people around me appreciate that more than they dislike it.

I can't accurately do subtext. Just...don't. People who refuse to say what they mean (or worse, deny the actual problem while expecting me to figure it out anyway) really make me angry. As far as I'm concerned, that kind of passive aggression is abusive. It's not fair to say one thing, mean another, and expect me to just figure it out.

Not only that, but the type of people who say one thing and mean another (and I don't mean sarcasm here...I'm fluent in that!) are the same type who read things into what I say that aren't there and I'm left trying desperately to figure out what they think I'm thinking so that I can deal with the issue they created by reading stuff into my words/tone of voice/body language that just wasn't there to begin with.

Yeah, people that operate in subtext are miserable to interact with.

 

[Rasputin]

How often do people say that you shouldn’t have said something or shouldn’t have done something in a certain situation?

For me, it’s mostly my wife and my sister that lives near me. Because they form the bulk of my social connections I am almost always reminded after the fact that something I said should have remained inside my head and not have been delivered by my mouth.

This has happened my WHOLE life. At least now I know why I say the things I do. It’s usually a question which I am genuinely interested in knowing the answer to, but is apparently rude in neurotypical society.

Questions like how old a lady is. How much your car cost or your house. What happened to make you limp. Things like that.

My wife said something today about a fact I shared with some friends the other week. It wasn’t an embarrassing fact or anything, just that it was something they didn’t need to know and that those sort of things are best kept from exiting my lips.

When I’m told these things, I can honestly say I find it impossible to see why there is an issue.

I really struggle with this because I try so very hard to make conversation, but often end up saying things that neurotypical s might find offensive because of cultural sensitivities.

It’s probably why I regularly end up sitting by the pool alone, with some food in one hand and a drink in the other.

I don’t get depressed about it, but it does bother me and sometimes I just feel that people need to chill out and poop that big stick out of their bottom.

Asking hard questions seems like a perfectly sensible way to get past all the nonsense of chit chat and really dig into a persons character. That’s the part I interested in.

I want to see the raw person. Not the masked version they play hide their true self.

These recent isolation measures have been interesting as I have seen a different side of some people I know when using the Marco Polo app.

People seem to really open up and reveal much more of themselves to a faceless camera than to a real person. The makeup comes off. The politeness vanishes and the raw character is put on display.

As an aspie, does anyone else just try to push past all the trivial stuff to get to the real character and not waste time?

I struggle with this all of the time. It's usually in response to a question, and I try to answer truthfully. For example, I was required to attend an informal group meeting with a Senior Vice President over coffee. It was intended to help management to get to know employees and challenges they deal with. So I was asked why a project did not go well. Apparently I was supposed to accept responsibility and tell everyone how I learned from the experience. Instead, without thinking I answered truthfully, placing responsibility on another manager and his staff. To my surprise I was called into my managers office at the end of the day and was told that I wasn't a team player because I answered a question truthfully. So, now I think twice before answering and if the answer suggests a problem I just say "I don't know."

At home this happens all the time with my wife and her sister. My wife tells me to lie, because she says I am the most hard-nosed, blunt person she knows.

So the takeaway from my experiences is to lie if the answer suggests there is a problem.