Aspies and hugging

[nowwhat]

I used to be a freezer when subjected to platonic affectionate touching, including hugging. I almost never initiate such, cause being an aspie, I have no confidence in my read on what touching is appropriate and when. I've never had an issue with sexual affection and touching, and took quite naturally to that as soon as it became part of my world.

As far as routine social affection, I come from a fairly touchy culture and family, so I've gotten used to it. I can even initiate with a very few people whom I am most comfortable around. While my execution might be bit awkward, I can participate in this social touching without much notice or stress on my part. If someone is touching me in a way I don't like, too much, or if the toucher is someone I don't care for, I will not stand for it. I'll usually move away and shoot them a dirty look. I have a $10,000,000 dirty look. That usually puts an end to it. If I have to be rude to protect my personal space, I have no qualms about doing so.

What I can't stand, is prolonged platonic touching. The friend who leans on you, or someone who holds your forearm while talking. OK, I will play the touchy-game, but let's get it over with and move on, OK?

 

[Turk]

. .I

Someone up there mentioned 'pokers'. These are some of the worst people! AAUUGGHH! These same folks also tend to be people who talk with their hands, so they slap at you, grab your upper arms, pat & rub & jab their finger at you in order to punctuate their words. Why do they do this? What does grasping my arm in a vice-grip have to do with, 'HEY! Guess what happened to PHIL?'. What does jabbing an index finger right at my nose have to do with, 'If ya ask me, we ought to vote those _____ out!!!' (first, I did NOT ask...secondly, poking out my eye will NOT result in said politician leaving office.) Didn't these people pass Kindergarten? Didn't they learn to keep their hands to themselves?

I think it's a form of punctuation, for the hyperactive. Arm grab=question mark and finger point=exclamation mark. Just be thankful you didnt getta a comma or a full stop. Those are almost a form of assault. Although its not hugging, the close talkers do me in. Its like wow, really, your gunna stand that close? Its like a long term non contact hug, and no matter how far I back up, they're still coming. Its not conversation when you can smell what someone had for breakfast

 

[Ste11aeres]

I

I think it's a form of punctuation, for the hyperactive. Arm grab=question mark and finger point=exclamation mark. Just be thankful you didnt getta a comma or a full stop. Those are almost a form of assault. Although its not hugging, the close talkers do me in. Its like wow, really, your gunna stand that close? Its like a long term non contact hug, and no matter how far I back up, they're still coming

Read for a solution to close talkers: Hyperbole and a Half: The Awkward Situation Survival Guide

 

[Soup]

Soup's Aspie Social Situation Survival tips:

- keep all social events to a grass-roots minimum.
-whenever possible, control your own exit strategies (drive yourself there & back, save to take a cab back, check ahead & know the bus schedule to get back from wherever you are)
- Keep phone in pocket, pretend to feel phone suddenly vibrate, excuse yourself from blabbering octopus to take 'important' call.
- Text, email or call host/ess ahead of time, thank them for the invitation to their_______, tell them that, regrettably, you can only be there from 8-9 or whatever, because you have a ______________ the next day.
-As soon as someone begins grabbing & poking, wince & say your muscles are sore because you (had a tough work-out, fell on the ice, have Arthritis or Fibromyalgia etc.)
- Have a full drink (or plate) in your hand. People tend not to grab or poke you so you don't spill your cargo.
-IF you get ambushed in a non-social context (like in the pharmacy or store etc.) be in a HURRY! 'Nice seeing you, Stan BUT I'm sorry, I'm running late! Gotta Run!!! Hope to see you again soon! Say HI to Edna!'
- Wear comfortable clothing BUT nothing like velvet, fur or angora that people seem to WANT to touch. Also, when you look uncomfortable in your clothing, well-meaning, empathetic arm-rubbers & huggers come over & try to include & enfold you into the social setting (making a hasty departure even more challenging!).
-MOVE around the room from spot to spot to different places. Ever try catching a moving fly? NOT EASY. If you stand still or sit in one place, you WILL get NABBED & cornered by pokers, huggers, slappers & SPIT-WHEN-THEY-TALK-ERS!
- HELP in the kitchen. Hostesses are often very busy & if you are helping out, not only are you participating in the event, you are contributing (AND not getting prodded)

 

[Turk]

Soup's Aspie Social Situation Survival tips:

- keep all social events to a grass-roots minimum.
-whenever possible, control your own exit strategies (drive yourself there & back, save to take a cab back, check ahead & know the bus schedule to get back from wherever you are)
- Keep phone in pocket, pretend to feel phone suddenly vibrate, excuse yourself from blabbering octopus to take 'important' call.
- Text, email or call host/ess ahead of time, thank them for the invitation to their_______, tell them that, regrettably, you can only be there from 8-9 or whatever, because you have a ______________ the next day.
-As soon as someone begins grabbing & poking, wince & say your muscles are sore because you (had a tough work-out, fell on the ice, have Arthritis or Fibromyalgia etc.)
- Have a full drink (or plate) in your hand. People tend not to grab or poke you so you don't spill your cargo.
-IF you get ambushed in a non-social context (like in the pharmacy or store etc.) be in a HURRY! 'Nice seeing you, Stan BUT I'm sorry, I'm running late! Gotta Run!!! Hope to see you again soon! Say HI to Edna!'
- Wear comfortable clothing BUT nothing like velvet, fur or angora that people seem to WANT to touch. Also, when you look uncomfortable in your clothing, well-meaning, empathetic arm-rubbers & huggers come over & try to include & enfold you into the social setting (making a hasty departure even more challenging!).

Wow Soup, now thats what I call a strategy. The detail and specificity to the Aspie condition, has me speechless. That needs to be on a sign near my front door. Love it

 

[Ste11aeres]

- HELP in the kitchen. Hostesses are often very busy & if you are helping out, not only are you participating in the event, you are contributing (AND not getting prodded)

This is my favorite thing. Or with me it's more like, help by watching/playing with some tiny children.

 

[Soup]

Soup's tips of the Day:

-IF you get invited out to a restaurant on a date or just with a relative or friend, book it for an off-day at an off-hour at a place where you are unlikely to run into anyone you know. (Mr.Soup & I did this today).

- Check the location, the exterior, the details of decor etc, online ahead of time to avoid being freaked right out when confronted by flashy red checkered tablecloths, or antlers on the wall, some godawful 'house band' or tables that are squished together (sit in a BOOTH!!!)

-Scour the menu online ahead of time so you can psyche yourself up into eating said meal. Select EVERYTHING in your head ahead of time. This minimizes being confronted by an unfamiliar menu full of weird food no sensible Aspie would even feed a dog.

-Remember that you will be SITTING the whole time so wear pants or whatever that do not ride up & wedgie you. Standing pants & sitting ones are NOT the same at all!

- Discretely take some Beano & Lacteeze with you (just in case). Who needs to feel gassy & bloated on top of everything else?

 

[Kari Suttle]

I'm the same way with hugs that i am with any real form of contact or being touched. If its expected, like how i get hugged every night before bed, then im fine with it. But if its out of the blue, like how my family's old church had a lot of huggy people that always wanted to hug me, i didn't like it. Its uncomfortable to me but not enough to be annoying or bad or anything like that. But on the other hand i like affection, just on my own terms i guess.

 

[Spinning Compass]

I like to be asked. I'm usually ok with it if I am asked first. What I do not like is someone coming up from behind and doing the touchy-feely thing especially if it is a guy and especially if it's someone I don't know. I had an experience recently at a little café where, when I went to say goodbye to one of my friends, I suddenly felt a hand slithering up and down my back and then was pulled around to face a drunk who wanted to walk me out to my car. (Telling this takes longer than the actual action.) What Mr. Wandering Hands may not have been aware of is this particular kind of physical contact is considered criminal sexual conduct (CSC) and I could have pressed charges against him. The reason I did not was that I did not know his name and since the owners of the business made it very clear that they did not want any cops involved, it would be very difficult to find that out. Also, I understand that the courts around here are not very victim-friendly even towards those who have been even more seriously sexually assaulted.

Anyway a day or two later in the cafeteria at school one of my classmates came up behind me and put his hand on my shoulder. He was very lucky I did not belt him, and I told him why. He was very apologetic. It never crossed his mind that the other person (me) had been a victim of inappropriate touching in a public place and might be bit jumpy as a result.

 

[tlc]

Soup, great job on your social strategy tips! I'll add one of my own. Sometimes somebody there will have something for me to work on, essentially opting me out of the social mess. Like if their car needs looked at or worked on, or if their computer is messed up... things like that. At a Thanksgiving dinner I cleaned the throttle body in the ex's folks car. At my friend's wedding reception I changed the spark plugs in his new wife's car in the parking lot. Then got to help rig up the dragging cans and all.

 

[Vanilla]

I love hugs

They're better if you know the person though; and if you're comfortable with them. As long as the other person isn't creepy about it, I'm fine with receiving them.

 

[XandirKai]

I enjoy hugs. Only from family, friends, and my significant other. I'm not tolerant of certain touches, like being poked repetitively, and people touching my head. I will flinch away in an instant. If I see it coming I'm less prone to freak though. I only just recently told my significant other about being an aspie. He took it very well and is open to learning about it.

 

[CJO1991]

I don't mind my friends hugging me. Like if someone comes up to me arms out, I'll hug them without any worries. I don't enjoy initiating hugs though.

I don't like hugging my family though, but that has to do with our tumultuous relationship more than a fear of hugging them.

 

[Peace]

how many Aspies actually like hugging their friends? and how many get overwhelmed when one of their friends ALWAYS has to give them a hug every single time they see them?

for me, right now, I am the second one, I am so overwhelmed with Nolan having to hug me every single time that he sees me. Anyone else like this?

I Like Hugs

 

[Peace]

Someone up there mentioned 'pokers'. These are some of the worst people! AAUUGGHH! These same folks also tend to be people who talk with their hands, so they slap at you, grab your upper arms, pat & rub & jab their finger at you in order to punctuate their words. Why do they do this? What does grasping my arm in a vice-grip have to do with, 'HEY! Guess what happened to PHIL?'. What does jabbing an index finger right at my nose have to do with, 'If ya ask me, we ought to vote those _____ out!!!' (first, I did NOT ask...secondly, poking out my eye will NOT result in said politician leaving office.) Didn't these people pass Kindergarten? Didn't they learn to keep their hands to themselves?

It is rare that I should do this, but this made me laugh.

 

[Cerulean]

Yeah, you better be extraordinarily close to me or back off.

Otherwise quite frankly I don't appreciate such an invasion of personal space.

I'm the same way. Either you're one of my parents or my boyfriend, otherwise it's reeeeal hard to not wince away. Fortunately my good friends know and aren't offended by it, and my acquaintances wouldn't hug me anyway.

 

[arthousesalem]

Hmm, this is a difficult one for me. I actually don't like being touched or hugged, but at the same time I miss "human contact." Looking back, I recall my mother complaining how I'd "stiffen out" if she tried to hug me or pick me up. We have a few "huggers" at church, so I try to avoid them or do my best if they catch me. I can place my arm around someone's shoulder that I feel close to, but not the other way around. Often it makes me feel bad because my reaction bothers the "giver of affection."

So true, I had the same problem growing up.

 

[MovieMike]

When I was little I hated being hugged, even by my family. It just seemed like a gross way of showing you cared for someone. But then as a teenager I kind of got over it, and now I'm very accepting of hugs. Still though, I can't think of a single occasion in my life where I've actually initiated a hug.

 

[Manuheleku]

I kinda like hugging, but I gotta be really comfortable with the person. I had a boss once that I really liked (that in itself is a rarity) and one day he was standing there and I walked in and he said "hey!" with arms outstretched and hug instincts kicked in and we did the manly hug thing with slaps on the back (like Mafia guys on the Sopranos...). Afterwards I thought it was kinda funny, never did anything like that, now I'm cool with the "manly hug" with good buddies. A good friend of mine, who could also be an Aspie, back in the day couldn't stand to even shake hands is now cool on the hugs. Maybe it grows on you with age?

 

[Peace]

I kinda like hugging, but I gotta be really comfortable with the person. I had a boss once that I really liked (that in itself is a rarity) and one day he was standing there and I walked in and he said "hey!" with arms outstretched and hug instincts kicked in and we did the manly hug thing with slaps on the back (like Mafia guys on the Sopranos...). Afterwards I thought it was kinda funny, never did anything like that, now I'm cool with the "manly hug" with good buddies. A good friend of mine, who could also be an Aspie, back in the day couldn't stand to even shake hands is now cool on the hugs. Maybe it grows on you with age?

Many things grow on you with age. Hopefully moss is not one of them.