Hi everybody, I could really use some advice.
I have been in a relationship for four years with my boyfriend. As per usual, the first months were bliss. Then the clouds gathered on the horizon.
Whenever things don't go his way, he runs away. Yelling and shouting, throwing and breaking (my) things, breaking off the relationship,... over very small things. I could give you thousands of examples, I would like to suffice with just two.
(1) This morning he was supposed to make my breakfast (before you jump on this one: I do the laundry, I clean, I cook, I take care of all the paperwork, I do the grocery shopping,... I think he has a pretty sweet deal.). I am a creature of habit, I always eat the same breakfast: 1 apple, half a cup of oatmeal, one cup of milk, 1 spoon of honey, 3 minutes in microwave oven. When I get to the breakfast table: no breakfast for me, his was ready. I ask if there is a problem about breakfast. "No", he says, "I will start it now. What do you want?" I ask for my usual oatmeal mix. His reaction: "I will have to ask you a lot of questions. What do you want exactly? What do I have to serve it in? How much oatmeal do you want? One apple or two? Do you still want the honey? How does the microwave oven work?" He must have asked me 50 questions on a thing that he has done at least a thousand times (did I mention I am a creature of habit?). After answering all of them, I begged him to just get my breakfast and told him all his questions where driving me crazy. After 35 minutes something appeared on the table. Somehow he forgot about the honey and he mixed chocolate paste into my oatmeal. When I remarked that I actually wanted honey and not chocolate paste, he took off again, slamming doors, shouting,...
(2) Monday evening I get dinner started and I ask him to get something from a cupboard that is actually too high for me to reach (Literally "Could you please get food item X from the cupboard?"). His answer: "I have to check my fish tank." I ask him again in the same wording and tone of voice: he says "I didn't know I had to help you". I ask him again: he says "Where is food item X?". I explain we only have one cupboard with food items and that food item I requested is in that cupboard. He gets super angry and accuses me of using a sarcastic tone of voice. I try to explain to him that all his ocmebacks come across as if he didn't want to get the food item and he is feeding me excuses. Which only made him angrier. He took off again, didn't come home during the night.
I am literally at wit's end. I feel like I am living with a teenager (without me being able to take away priviliges from that teenager).
We have tried relationship therapy. He just sits there and doesn't say a thing, except for a tearful "you are so accomplished and it makes me feel sad I don't have that level of accomplishment". In the beginning I was sympathetic to this complaint: e.g. during the remodeling of our house, we did a lot ourselves and I tried to teach him what I knew (not my first remodeling). After I explained something, he would say "I will try another way, yours doesn't seem right". After a lot of trial and mostly error, he would then ask me to fix whatever he botched. I really tried to not rub his nose in it, but he even took offense when I said "do you remember when we talked about this and I drew you a chart? Do you have that chart still?". He said I rubbed his nose in his failure and… he took of again. His "my way or the high way" attitude has cost us already a pretty sum of money (wasted materials, my things he keeps breaking and not replacing,...).
When I try to stop him from leaving (he has already tried to commit suicide three times), he gets violent, usually pushing and shoving but he sometimes slaps me in the face. I have very low blood pressure so a shock can make me faint, and I bang my head a lot...
On a final note: he has received Asperger and ADD diagnosis two years ago. He refuses to go to therapy to learn coping mechanisms. I have my doubts whether he takes his medication (he says his heart beats (not racing!) when he takes them). A lot of the pressure to mediate his condition falls on my shoulders: it is always my fault (I don't fill out his paper chart for chores (breakfast and moving the lawn, but he needs a paper chart for chores), I ask too much attention, I nag, I am sarcastic, I don't explain well enough, I am petty,...). I am so tired of all this...
I have been in a relationship for four years with my boyfriend. As per usual, the first months were bliss. Then the clouds gathered on the horizon.
Whenever things don't go his way, he runs away. Yelling and shouting, throwing and breaking (my) things, breaking off the relationship,... over very small things. I could give you thousands of examples, I would like to suffice with just two.
(1) This morning he was supposed to make my breakfast (before you jump on this one: I do the laundry, I clean, I cook, I take care of all the paperwork, I do the grocery shopping,... I think he has a pretty sweet deal.). I am a creature of habit, I always eat the same breakfast: 1 apple, half a cup of oatmeal, one cup of milk, 1 spoon of honey, 3 minutes in microwave oven. When I get to the breakfast table: no breakfast for me, his was ready. I ask if there is a problem about breakfast. "No", he says, "I will start it now. What do you want?" I ask for my usual oatmeal mix. His reaction: "I will have to ask you a lot of questions. What do you want exactly? What do I have to serve it in? How much oatmeal do you want? One apple or two? Do you still want the honey? How does the microwave oven work?" He must have asked me 50 questions on a thing that he has done at least a thousand times (did I mention I am a creature of habit?). After answering all of them, I begged him to just get my breakfast and told him all his questions where driving me crazy. After 35 minutes something appeared on the table. Somehow he forgot about the honey and he mixed chocolate paste into my oatmeal. When I remarked that I actually wanted honey and not chocolate paste, he took off again, slamming doors, shouting,...
(2) Monday evening I get dinner started and I ask him to get something from a cupboard that is actually too high for me to reach (Literally "Could you please get food item X from the cupboard?"). His answer: "I have to check my fish tank." I ask him again in the same wording and tone of voice: he says "I didn't know I had to help you". I ask him again: he says "Where is food item X?". I explain we only have one cupboard with food items and that food item I requested is in that cupboard. He gets super angry and accuses me of using a sarcastic tone of voice. I try to explain to him that all his ocmebacks come across as if he didn't want to get the food item and he is feeding me excuses. Which only made him angrier. He took off again, didn't come home during the night.
I am literally at wit's end. I feel like I am living with a teenager (without me being able to take away priviliges from that teenager).
We have tried relationship therapy. He just sits there and doesn't say a thing, except for a tearful "you are so accomplished and it makes me feel sad I don't have that level of accomplishment". In the beginning I was sympathetic to this complaint: e.g. during the remodeling of our house, we did a lot ourselves and I tried to teach him what I knew (not my first remodeling). After I explained something, he would say "I will try another way, yours doesn't seem right". After a lot of trial and mostly error, he would then ask me to fix whatever he botched. I really tried to not rub his nose in it, but he even took offense when I said "do you remember when we talked about this and I drew you a chart? Do you have that chart still?". He said I rubbed his nose in his failure and… he took of again. His "my way or the high way" attitude has cost us already a pretty sum of money (wasted materials, my things he keeps breaking and not replacing,...).
When I try to stop him from leaving (he has already tried to commit suicide three times), he gets violent, usually pushing and shoving but he sometimes slaps me in the face. I have very low blood pressure so a shock can make me faint, and I bang my head a lot...
On a final note: he has received Asperger and ADD diagnosis two years ago. He refuses to go to therapy to learn coping mechanisms. I have my doubts whether he takes his medication (he says his heart beats (not racing!) when he takes them). A lot of the pressure to mediate his condition falls on my shoulders: it is always my fault (I don't fill out his paper chart for chores (breakfast and moving the lawn, but he needs a paper chart for chores), I ask too much attention, I nag, I am sarcastic, I don't explain well enough, I am petty,...). I am so tired of all this...
