At wit's end...

[Aenea]

Why can't you take the dogs?

How much is the 25% share worth?

(As you said you were doing well. Did you ask the lawyer about purchasing the share?/Selling the share?)

About the dogs: most motels/hotels/rentals don't accept pets. I could put them up with a boarding house for dogs, but that is close to abandoning them. (I am a sucker for puppy eyes…)

On paper, the share is his. In reality, I advanced him the money (less than 5% repayment so far). I am doing well, but not well enough to buy 25% of a house twice . As for selling: he does not want to sell his share to me (put very simply: I get the 25% and he doesn't have to repay the advancement). I could go to court over this, and make him sell his share to me. The procedure involves a evaluation of the house's worth, and since I have remodelled it (and paid for it), the worth has gone up (substantially). He could (and said he would when push came to shove - pun intended) fight the evaluation and demand a very high buy-out price. We talk about a three-year procedure at the minimum.

This is starting to read like a manual on how to royally cluster-F yourself… Like AloneNotLonely says: NEVER share property with ANYBODY. *lesson learned*

 

[Monachopia]

Isn't there a legal remedy for someone who has done extensive remodelling (if they can prove it with receipts) to gain from it with the share of the value of the house? I believe I read something to that effect when I was studying law, however, it may have affected those with no legal ownership. I'm not sure, but, I do think there is something to gain from being able to prove it - you said you have trained in law, so it might be worth looking into case law for property disputes.

 

[GadAbout]

Dump him. If he commits suicide, it's because he's crazy, it's not because you were mean.
'
You can't lock him out but if you were a wife, you would have the right to change the locks after engaging a lawyer to initiate a divorce? You do have the right to lock him out. Treat this as a common law marriage that is ending in divorce.

I'm not going into any more detail because I can see - after you've engaged in a lot of dialogue with other members already - that you want to just turn this over and over in your mind. When you are ready to act, you'll act. Until then, you want YOUR life crisis to become everyone ELSE's life crisis.

There is no salvaging this "relationship." So don't try.

 

[Judge]

Sometimes a toxic relationship is nothing more and nothing less. Where considering all the minutia in between becomes an exercise in futility. This is when you must get up and leave, and not look back.

Think of the pilot who knows their plane is about to crash. "EJECT! EJECT! EJECT!"

Been there, done that, and I try not to take that t-shirt out of my closet.

Such posts come through here a lot. Where there may be the perception and consensus of salvaging a relationship while in other cases all one is left with is to try to leave in one piece.

 

[Monachopia]

I'm not going into any more detail because I can see - after you've engaged in a lot of dialogue with other members already - that you want to just turn this over and over in your mind. When you are ready to act, you'll act. Until then, you want YOUR life crisis to become everyone ELSE's life crisis.

I think that is slightly too harsh... It's a really tough situation and the poster is clearly confused and distressed. She's endured a number of years of this behaviour from the boyfriend, which would have had a negative effect on decision making, mixed in with the property ownership and pet question. Lets not be too harsh, she is just seeking some advice and maybe some encouragement. I commend her for reaching out to a community for advice, it's the first step to recovery.

 

[GadAbout]

I see your point but I don't accept that it's a tough situation. Just. Dump. Him. Next time he packs his bags, he comes home to a door that doesn't accept his key. Meanwhile Aenea has had a lawyer draw up papers.

The longer this mess goes on, the more difficult extraction will be. So I am not hearing any reasons not to take control.

But we can agree to respectfully disagree.

 

[Monachopia]

I agree, on paper it seems simple. It's always easier said than done. But, if you really think about it, I mean *really*. 4 years with someone, who has daily faught you over nothing, called you names, unpredictably shoves you in anger, is irrational in their anger, undermines your being... Your whole self would be quite torn down, added to the fact that the OP has stated that she has endured abuse in the past and took a number of years to recover from. It never goes away, it's hard to erase. Lets be kind and understand that it's not straightforward, especially when someone threatens to end their life and put all that guilt on you alone (and MADE YOU BELIEVE that you'd be responsible). I honestly feel for her.

I'm sure, if some others who have been in similar situations pitched in, they would also agree that it's not as simple as changing the locks. I believe we had a member who had to go into hiding after years of such abuse. The people who keep you under, twist your reality to the point that it seems impossible to escape.

I'd also like to add, that of the posters who come here for advice, she is accepting of our words, unlike some who demanded "only opinions from NT's" or hellbent on autism being the only reason that could explain the behaviour. I really hope Aenea finds a way to deal with this. Answers don't come immediately or even overnight to such a situation.

 

[Tom]

I agree. This Atwit guy has to go.

 

[Rectify]

I'm sure, if some others who have been in similar situations pitched in, they would also agree that it's not as simple as changing the locks. I believe we had a member who had to go into hiding after years of such abuse. The people who keep you under, twist your reality to the point that it seems impossible to escape.

Argh! Yes, it's true that it's not that simple. It's not, I get that. At the same time what is being described sounds like a situation that is not going to get better and the longer the poster stays, the worse off they will be. So, I also understand the advice to just get out. It's almost like a choice. You can choose, given the situation - which seems to be calling for it imo - to see it as that simple.

The thing is, when you're in a situation like that everything seems so insurmountable and often the longer you've been there the more insurmountable it seems. Using that same logic you can see that current problems will be even worse later.

Re. the dogs. Placing them in a pet motel for a period of time sounds like an option that could work.

Regarding the suicide threats/attempts. Not your problem. Classic abusive ploy to keep you there. Call for medical help, sure, but don't take the fear he'll harm himself into consideration as to whether you stay with him or not.

 

[Ylva]

And ok, I may have a history of abuse (parents and ex-husband) but after 6 years of therapy I am able to set (healthy) boundaries.
I just don't want to responsible for his death if I let him leave.

You don't want people to blame you if he kills himself. Have you considered suing the health professionals for trying to make you do their job?

I brought BPD up with his doctor, who said that labels don't matter

How reassuring for the guy who set diagnoses to think that they don't matter.

He's gaslighting you, just so you know. How do you get help with a personality disorder if the medical world won't even admit that you have it?

His two psychiatrists and the suicide team in the hospital all side with him and tell me (and him) I am the problem, because I cannot let things go

Gaslighting. He sure got himself some co-abusers there.

I get the 25% and he doesn't have to repay the advancement

Doesn't he have some deadline before which to pay or you get the part of your house that you paid for? Except about five percent of the twenty-five percent, which is like a few inches of a corner he can't fit inside.

To be clear, his behavior is unlikely to be due to autism. Or ADD. Some of his issues like finding it difficult to organize or concentrate could be, such as his trouble wih making your breakfast. (Some of us have similar difficulties with remembering instruction given twenty seconds ago.) The episode where he refused to help you get something on a high shelf sounds like he was trolling you, but there's a possibility he was having a hard time concentrating.

Still, his anger issues are not something you should have to put up with. If you want to try something new while you figure out how to leave him, try giving him written instructions. You have no idea how much easier it is to do stuff that is written down. I guess you still risk that he gets annoyed, which comes off like what anyone else would call furious, so try reading a little about BPD and get ideas on how to deal. The mental health nurses aren't going to tell you.

 

[tducey]

No need for abuse at all. Personally, I think you should leave. I'm sure you can find someone better than someone who abuses you.

 

[Aenea]

Isn't there a legal remedy for someone who has done extensive remodelling (if they can prove it with receipts) to gain from it with the share of the value of the house? I believe I read something to that effect when I was studying law, however, it may have affected those with no legal ownership. I'm not sure, but, I do think there is something to gain from being able to prove it - you said you have trained in law, so it might be worth looking into case law for property disputes.

Sorry it took me some days to reply, I got caught up between work and keeping myself sane/safe.

I have looked into the "sharing the value when extensive remodeling". It seems it works only one-way: when a non-owner does extensive remodeling, the non-owner gets a part of the profit. Since I am owner, I get my share. It was worth looking into it, I am open to any good idea this forum comes up with.

 

[Aenea]

Dump him. If he commits suicide, it's because he's crazy, it's not because you were mean.
'
You can't lock him out but if you were a wife, you would have the right to change the locks after engaging a lawyer to initiate a divorce? You do have the right to lock him out. Treat this as a common law marriage that is ending in divorce.

I'm not going into any more detail because I can see - after you've engaged in a lot of dialogue with other members already - that you want to just turn this over and over in your mind. When you are ready to act, you'll act. Until then, you want YOUR life crisis to become everyone ELSE's life crisis.

There is no salvaging this "relationship." So don't try.

This is not about salvaging a relationship. This is about saving my sense of self, my sanity, protecting my dogs and hopefully not lose everything I worked so hard for (I do hate it when I have to end a sentence with a preposition).

As for the locking out: we are in what could be called a common law marriage. To dissolve it, he needs to sign for it or I could sue him. Either way, even after dissolution, he is still owner of the house, so he has a right to it. I thought it would be best not to shake the hornet's nest and bring up dissolution before I have a feasable plan of action. The bruise from Wednesday turned out to be a bruise and four cracked ribs. Remember, Wednesday was a fight about breakfast. I am trying hard not to think about his reaction when I bring up dissolution.

 

[Aenea]

Sometimes a toxic relationship is nothing more and nothing less. Where considering all the minutia in between becomes an exercise in futility. This is when you must get up and leave, and not look back.

Think of the pilot who knows their plane is about to crash. "EJECT! EJECT! EJECT!"

Been there, done that, and I try not to take that t-shirt out of my closet.

Such posts come through here a lot. Where there may be the perception and consensus of salvaging a relationship while in other cases all one is left with is to try to leave in one piece.

Hi Judge, you do have the advantage of no attachment. To an outsider, it is really that black and white. To somebody on the inside, leaving is mixed up with feelings of failure and anger at oneself.

I am going to steal your plane analogy. I have tried to hard to get this plane in the air, I have held it in the air for four years (sunken cost, anyone?). I knew very early on it would be difficult, I promised myself I would do everything I could to make it work. When I give this up, it feels like throwing away all that hard work, like it has no value.

 

[Aenea]

reaching out to a community for advice, it's the first step to recovery.

This community is the only "antidote" I have at the moment. Talking to "certified" Aspies makes me see his behaviour is not related to being an Aspie (or having ADD), but is either BPD or good oldfashioned asshole-ness.

 

[Aenea]

Next time he packs his bags, he comes home to a door that doesn't accept his key.
...
But we can agree to respectfully disagree.

Respectfully: my lawyer strongly advised against changing the locks.
I deadbolted the door one time. He tried to kick it in, then called the police. I was told both by the police and him not to bolt the door again (the former because they would file a complaint against me for blocking him from his property, the latter because he threatened me).

The police also said they could do nothing if they did not catch him red-handed mistreating me. He was like a little lamb: "no officer I don't know who tried to kick in the door, could have been anybody, the streets are so unsafe. She just locked me out for a petty reason." The audio recording I made and played for the police, was dismissed because I could have been kicking the door myself (a 1.65m, bare-footed 54kg girl, kicking in a front door...).

But like Judge says: the minutiae of this story are irrelevant.

 

[Judge]

Hi Judge, you do have the advantage of no attachment. To an outsider, it is really that black and white. To somebody on the inside, leaving is mixed up with feelings of failure and anger at oneself.

I am going to steal your plane analogy. I have tried to hard to get this plane in the air, I have held it in the air for four years (sunken cost, anyone?). I knew very early on it would be difficult, I promised myself I would do everything I could to make it work. When I give this up, it feels like throwing away all that hard work, like it has no value.

I only have the advantage of not having any attachments in the present. It doesn't negate my perspective- or my experience of the past in having multiple relationships (both short and long term) with Neurotypical women. I too had similar mixed feelings in terminating a relationship. Tried in vain to make it work, and couldn't. At which point I simply broke up with my then girlfriend. There was simply nothing left to do.

Much like making a bad investment, I was compelled to cut my losses. Better to endure a lesser sense of loss than to continue and incur a greater sense of loss later. Though admittedly, matters of the heart don't have the same metrics as does a quantitative financial investment.

 

[Aenea]

It never goes away, it's hard to erase.
...
she is accepting of our words, unlike some who demanded "only opinions from NT's" or hellbent on autism being the only reason that could explain the behaviour. I really hope Aenea finds a way to deal with this. Answers don't come immediately or even overnight to such a situation.

There is always the fear that it just might be true, that it is me. And not some stroke of REALLY bad luck because I just HAPPENED to have abusive parents and an abusive ex-husband. My ex-husband remarried by the way, I am friends with his new wife. She says he is the sweetest guy ever. Either she is right and it is me who is the problem, either he has her under his thumb just as hard as he had me.

Like I said earlier on: I just want to understand what this is. Is it me? Is it him? I know relationships are the sum of two people, and blaming is immature and unproductive. But I need to figure out why this happens so I can stop it and not make the same mistake (yet again…)

 

[Judge]

I suspect when most people think of "chemistry", they only relate to it in a positive sense. When the reality is that chemistry can equally relate the reciprocal. That for whatever reason in some cases two people just cannot get along with one another. Worse even, that chemistry isn't necessarily something that is obvious, or instantly evident. That both good or bad chemistry can occur over time.

That it isn't exclusively one person or another, but the combination of both that makes it either work or fail.

The bad news? Compatible social chemistry remains a crapshoot. Not only in terms of whether it happens at all, but how much time must lapse to really come to terms with either success or failure. With divorce rates more or less validating such considerations. In that some occur early while other divorces happen years later. Yet the rate of total dissolutions remain relatively constant.

 

[Aenea]

Argh! Yes, it's true that it's not that simple. It's not, I get that. At the same time what is being described sounds like a situation that is not going to get better and the longer the poster stays, the worse off they will be. So, I also understand the advice to just get out. It's almost like a choice. You can choose, given the situation - which seems to be calling for it imo - to see it as that simple.

The thing is, when you're in a situation like that everything seems so insurmountable and often the longer you've been there the more insurmountable it seems. Using that same logic you can see that current problems will be even worse later.

I have told him many times that the relationship needed to change or that we had to break up. That I would not tolerate his abuse. He gets angry and blows up, leaves, calms down, comes back and acts like nothing happened. I feel like the choice is not even mine: he decides to leave and to come back. I don't have any say in the matter.