At wit's end...

[All-Rounder]

Not telling them what your boundaries are also helps.

I have told a man that I dont like touches and hugs who came across as narc to me for lacking touch boundaries also scaring his wife into paralysis with a knife [even though she used threats of suicide on him to try to keep him from leaving her]. He asked why, I said thatvs how I am. I told him these in front of the others, because I figured itll be more useful rather than just me knowing that this is what i told him and that hes not respecting it. His wife though said 'thats just how he is' he touches all women, and hes cheated on her after that event, she caught him and it appears he met the other woman up in rl.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

I have told a man that I dont like touches and hugs who came across as narc to me for lacking touch boundaries also scaring his wife into paralysis with a knife [even though she used threats of suicide on him to try to keep him from leaving her]. He asked why, I said thatvs how I am. I told him these in front of the others, because I figured itll be more useful rather than just me knowing that this is what i told him and that hes not respecting it. His wife though said 'thats just how he is' he touches all women, and hes cheated on her after that event, she caught him and it appears he met the other woman up in rl.

what was step 2?

no longer spending time with them?

 

[All-Rounder]

what was step 2?

no longer spending time with them?

I haven't visited ever since but since mom is an abuser maybe I shouldn't so easily write her as on my side, she sometimes is, other times doesn't get abuse is wrong and ppl deserve better.
The lady is basically mom's custommer. Her thinking is by far the worst Ive seen, she doesn't know much about people and relationships but is a very kind person.

 

[All-Rounder]

I got a bit on edge careful because it seemed this man tried to pick up stuff and get me to feel bad/paranoid about things in my relationship which were ok.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

I haven't visited ever since but since mom is an abuser maybe I shouldn't so easily write her as on my side, she sometimes is, other times doesn't get abuse is wrong and ppl deserve better.
The lady is basically mom's custommer. Her thinking is by far the worst Ive seen, she doesn't know much about people and relationships but is a very kind person.

I got a bit on edge careful because it seemed this man tried to pick up stuff and get me to feel bad/paranoid about things in my relationship which were ok.

It's tough you can live a life with the wrong mindset.
You have a responsibility to yourself, so good choice.
At the same time, for those who are suffering, when people disappear from their lives without knowing why, it also has an effect.
(similar to not realising you're autistic and not understanding why people avoid you)

But you have to realise and change by yourself.

yeh, sad and tough.

 

[Rectify]

said with that kind of people, boundary + punishments would work after a while + ignoring their tantrums as they don't get their way

im confused why theyd suggest such things if they don't work

Setting boundaries with some people will work. I suppose if a relationship is worth it in some other way then it might be worth the effort to train a person by setting, explaining and continuing to hold firm your boundaries.

The fact remains though that, like I said, some people will continue to bust through them. It's how they are. They will bust through the ones you set repeatedly, or they will accept the boundaries you set but find new ways to push you. So with people like that, in my experience, it's constant work. Yet they continued to do it right to the end.

My experience with people showing narcissistic tendencies (generally not diagnosed) hasn't been great. I wouldn't like to try my luck again, but I can't say for sure that it will not work with some people.

 

[sisselcakes]

It sounds like you're going through a really rough time. This is emotional abuse, you are feeling responsible for his well-being in a way that you shouldn't have to be. If he leaves, it's not on you - you are doing everything you can to maintain a normality (from the sounds of it) and he does not cooperate.

From the short description you have given, it almost sounds like Borderline Personality Disorder too - small things can trigger a big emotional reaction. Mixed in with autism and other things, it can be a very damaging mix both to yourself and him.

I think the thing you have to remember is that you would not be responsible if anything happened to him. It is not your fault and never will be. The only way that it could if you are actually abusing him - and you are not - far from it. He is an ADULT, capable of making his own decisions. Unfortunately, I have been in a position where someone threatened (and attempted) to harm themselves if I didn't do things just the way they wanted, but it's just a really sick and twisted way of manipulation. It's ABUSE to your mental health, it's not fair to put that on someone.

You do need to evaluate if you want this for the rest of your life. People like that don't change. Even if they change for a month or two - things will always revert back to the old ways. There is clearly something going on in his mind that he's not telling you - no one lashes out over small, insignificant things for no reason. There is something bigger going on that is being left unspoken.

I really hope you look after yourself, first and foremost. You are not responsible for him and you are not his carer - he is a grown-up, not a child.

I concur 100%. Love your wisdom-filled post.

 

[sisselcakes]

Hi Judge, you do have the advantage of no attachment. To an outsider, it is really that black and white. To somebody on the inside, leaving is mixed up with feelings of failure and anger at oneself.

I am going to steal your plane analogy. I have tried to hard to get this plane in the air, I have held it in the air for four years (sunken cost, anyone?). I knew very early on it would be difficult, I promised myself I would do everything I could to make it work. When I give this up, it feels like throwing away all that hard work, like it has no value.

Starting with “keeping plane in the air” until the end of your post- describes my 4 year relationship to a tee.

 

[sisselcakes]

There is always the fear that it just might be true, that it is me. And not some stroke of REALLY bad luck because I just HAPPENED to have abusive parents and an abusive ex-husband. My ex-husband remarried by the way, I am friends with his new wife. She says he is the sweetest guy ever. Either she is right and it is me who is the problem, either he has her under his thumb just as hard as he had me.

Like I said earlier on: I just want to understand what this is. Is it me? Is it him? I know relationships are the sum of two people, and blaming is immature and unproductive. But I need to figure out why this happens so I can stop it and not make the same mistake (yet again…)

The abuse is 100% on him.

 

[china autie]

Reads as he is abusive to me.

My advice: get out. Block him on social media. Dump anyone connected to him.

Do not seek him out or speak to him or contact him or accept his texts or phone calls.

Domestic violence gets worse. Never better.

Get out for your own safety.

Been there.

 

[china autie]

We always have options. We just do know always know what they are.

I am sorry forcehat you are going through.

I miss my house. My ex is living in it. It looks like I am not going to get much for it in the divorce.

I can't live there with or without him. I would become,an easy target for him if I did.

Predators/abusers operate by finding our vulnerabilities. That is why some of us have the experience more than once. I have had years of counseling before this.

The only counseling that helped me for this was specific domestic violence counseling. In the USA, the agency in my county that runs the domestic violence shelter is the one that provides this free.

If you are not in the USA, I am sorry but I dont know how it works in other countries.

No house or other material possssion is worth my physical and mental well-being.

I took my animals and left a 21 year marriage because he put his hand on my wrist once. I thought he,was going to break it. His eyes were bulging out of his head. The altercation was over where to keep two kitchen pots.

You have broken ribs. Domestic violence does not get better. It only gets worse. You are worth far more than any money you put into a house.

Abusers/predators will also abuse your pets. Mine was just edging towards that when I left.

Leaving is not easy. Losing my life would have been tougher.

Wishing you safety and peace @Aenea .

 

[Aenea]

Hi everyone,

I wanted to share with you that he left yesterday - for good. He signed over his share of the house, he took his belongings and handed over the keys.

I spare you the long journey that started on July 6, and only ended yesterday. I want to thank you for your kind advice and insight, and the support you have offered to a total stranger.

May your joys be as deep as the ocean and your worries as light as the foam.

Aenea

 

[Bolletje]

I’m happy for you that you have reached a conclusion to this painful time in your life. If you do want to share the journey that brought you to this point, feel free to do so. There’s a lot of people willing to listen, offer support and if necessary cheer you on here.

 

[Ylva]

And maybe study law in case it helps with abusive relationships.

And celebrate along with you!

 

[Aspychata]

So happy this ended safely. l just let out a big breath of air. I was kicked and l almost felt he was going to push me down the stairs one time because of bipolar anger. I cautioned him on grabbing my daughter's wrists but then he resorted to emotional and psychological abuse for the rest of her years. She is still trapped due to finances.

It has taught me to be very understanding with abused woman now. l talk to a waitress who suffers from a abusive mother. I talk to a friend who came from a abusive childhood. This all clouds our perception and our day to day realities. Hope you take this has a giant pill and from this day foward, refuse to let any man abuse you.

 

[Aenea]

As I explained before, I went to see the notary to get a quote for the legal paperwork to buy him out. It was hefty but managable. I put together a financial plan to be able to keep the house, and drafted an separation agreement.

With every breakup I shoved the paperwork under his nose. ​

At first he refused to sign the papers, claimed the house was 25% his, that he was legally entitled to live there, that he needed to be compensated for living there. He started not to come home in the evenings, staying out all night. One day early August he came home in the morning, freshly showered with new fresh clothes on. He claimed he bought some bottled water and washed in the parking lot of the supermarket. Yeah right... At that point I refused to share a bed with him (love life was already gone for more than a year). He moved to the garage, sleeping on a (very thin) mat.

Things then took a turn for the worse for him: his employer had to shut down. He came home one night in September and told me he himself had given his resignation (no unemployment benefits in that case) and that he expected me to support him. When I refused to do so, he said he would break up with me (what a shock). I welcomed this suggestion and again shoved the papers under his nose. From that point on, I have also refused to cook him food, mend and wash and iron his clothes or help him with his case (he is in a law suit with his previous employer). He went to my parents (I kid you not) so they could talk sense into me. He had them fooled too: after a tearful story they even invited him to a very fancy dinner early October. The night after the dinner, you guessed it, he broke up with me.

He claims it was only then that he started to look for a place to live (did I mention the garage has no heating?). I am not buying that, three days later he had keys to his new place (where I live it takes at least 5 weeks to rent an apartment). He however refused to move as soon as he had the keys, claiming he could not get the time off (from unemployment?).

This is the point in the story where it all turns around and bites him in the ass. I came home early this week (on a hunch) and I find him emptying the house. I had him there, under our common-law marriage he cannot act alone when it concerns mutual things or the family home. I threatened to call the police, which got him angry (boo-hoo), to which I replied that he could take anything that was his, if he signed the paperwork. Without signing, emptying our house constitutes theft. Wednesday night he signed the papers, he moved out on Friday.

The only advice I can give is stick to your guns, act on your hunches and have the paperwork ready!

 

[Bolletje]

Good on you for being resilient and standing your ground! I hope you have some peaceful times ahead of you

 

[Aspychata]

Change the locks!! My ex still has my mom fooled. l have had to go no contact, he brings up pools of anger from the horrible abuse l endured. He actually told me he thought everything was fine between us at a later date. Totally baffled but realise that he is completely lost forever in bipolar-land. He will never leave that planet and that does tend to get worse with age so l am trying to work full-time should my alimony end.