Sometimes I feel like I’m on the antisocial personality scale when it comes to love. I love some of the people in my life, but I don’t feel that I love or am anywhere near capable of loving as many people as I should (should?), and re: the people I do love, I love them in a way that’s not actually love as other people experience it, I don’t think. For example, when my father died, I felt sad that he suffered, but I didn’t actually really feel sad that he died, at least not in the same way the rest of my family did. And I definitely haven’t missed him the way they have either.
I’ve read that love is experienced by autistic people differently. Sometimes more intensely, sometimes less intensely. I’ve actually always felt exponentially more love for animals than for humans.
How about you guys?
This topic has been discussed many times on the forums. You are not alone. If you do a PubMed and/or Google Scholar search for "autism and oxytocin", "autism and vasopressin" you will see studies on how these hormones,...the "love hormones" affect social interactions. Symptomatology will vary within autistic population,...not all autistics will present with the same degree of hypothalamus-to-posterior pituitary signaling dysfunction,...as is often the case, there is some genetic variation with autistic community. There is also a difference between cognitive empathy and emotional empathy,...many autistics experience difficulties with cognitive empathy. Cognitive empathy has more to do with putting yourself in another's shoes,...perspective taking,...but can also affect how you deal with personal loss. Emotional empathy is another thing,...more related to our ability to cry with another person, a sad movie or song, etc.
I have described my issues on here before,...very much like yours. It is very unsettling to me that I didn't feel anything,...nothing,...when my father died. It was unsettling to me that I cried with my sister-in-law when my brother died,...but I wasn't sure if it was for my loss. My grandparents are gone,...and I didn't mourn their loss either. I had quite a bit of anxiousness about attending funerals,...but I found myself crying because others were crying,...which often hid my lack of cognitive empathy.
I do not "miss" people. People,...even my siblings, parents, children,...out-of-sight, out-of-mind",...but when they are around it's like they've never left. I love them in my way,...but they've got to be physically present in order for that to happen. I am not one for phone calls, texts, and e-mails,...I simply don't think of it,...as I am often focused in what I am doing now, and generally don't think of people, at all. Some may call my condition as "anti-social",...but it's not "anti", because in my mind that suggests that I don't like people,...which isn't quite accurate. It's not about positivity or negativity, per se, but more of a total "lack of thought" when it comes to people, in general.
Now, I am happily married,...and have been with the same woman since I was 18 years old,...I'm 55. However, it is clear to me that we both are experiencing love differently than other couples. Some people are great verbal communicators,...and are heavily dependent upon it. My wife and I do communicate verbally,...but it is limited to important things to us like daily plans, dates, times, etc. We generally do not talk about other people,...we talk about ideas. My wife has taken the on-line autism quotient test,...and scored a 27,...not quite on the autism scale (30 and above),...not quite the average neurotypical score (15). We can go for several hours without verbalizing anything,...she reads, I do research, we both have our chores within the household. We clearly love each other, but we bond more with physical contact in order to get our "hormone fix",...holding hands, hugs, kissing, and of course, intimacy. We totally trust each other, there is no fear/anxiety-based controlling behaviors, and I have openly told her "Life is too short to be unhappy,...if you are unhappy, the door is open. I love you enough to let you go." She doesn't "need" me, and I don't "need" her,...and that has made our relationship strong. So, in many ways, I think our marriage is better than some others.
She was very special.
