Autism double standards

[Misty Avich]

Not sure if this thread is allowed or not (I read the rules and it did not say "do not make threads about double standards") and it isn't hurting anyone, so here goes. I'll start:-

Aspie: I told my NT partner my favourite meal is curry, now he's been making it every day since!
What others would say: Quit complaining, your partner obviously cares about you, and he can't read your mind so perhaps just very politely tell him that you love his currys but to perhaps cook a curry every other day or a couple of times a week

Conversely...

Aspie: My NT partner told me his favourite meal is curry, and I care about him a lot so I've been making him a curry every day since!
What others would say: That's not appropriate, just because someone likes a meal it doesn't mean they want it every day. You obviously have very black and white thinking and lack theory of mind

Love these double standards. Keep 'em coming!

Please note this example did NOT actually happen, it's just a made up example. I have no communication difficulties in my relationship.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

Hmmm. Having been married for the better part of 40 years to a NT wife, I am not convinced that these things are "double standards", per se, but more of a disconnect in the communication process, as often times, because we "operate on different software", we need to be clear and precise with our language. I know darn well it isn't easy because we can go back and forth a few times before we understand each other. The trick is to not allow emotions to enter the dynamic while you two are sorting out the communication. Furthermore, your example above demonstrates a bit of a "victim-like" mentality, as if nothing you do is correct. I am not sure that was your intent, or not. I am not sure that is a universal experience, nor is it isolated to the Aspie experience, but more of a state of mind, in general.

In my Aspie experience, it's the communication aspect that can be rather confounding. Why do some people phrase a command like a question? NT: "Why don't you take out the garbage?" Aspie: confused. Translation: "Take out the garbage."

Why do some people act like they don't care when they clearly do? Aspie: "Where would you like to go out to eat tonight?" NT: "I don't care, pick something." Aspie: "OK, how about that Mexican restaurant near the shopping mall?" NT: "No. Not in the mood." Aspie: "OK, how about that new Italian restaurant that just opened?" NT: "No. Too many people in line. Let's wait a few weeks." and so on and so forth. Aspie: confused and frustrated. Translation: Force them to make a decision.

 

[Tired]

Yyyyeah I think instead of talking to others about this, partners should talk to one another, explaining that no, they don't want to eat same food every day, but thank you for making it nonetheless. Plus in my world both partners should be cooking ideally, not just one, otherwise it can become the chore, unless one really loves cooking, and another one hates it.

 

[Misty Avich]

Please note the example in my OP did NOT actually happen by the way, as I don't have communication struggles in my relationship. It's just a made up example and this thread is not a rant about something that happened to me significantly but about how everything NTs do get justified but if an Aspie does the exact same thing we still get a lecture.

 

[Forest Cat]

Plus in my world both partners should be cooking ideally, not just one, otherwise it can become the chore, unless one really loves cooking, and another one hates it.

The trick is to cook really bad food on purpose. Then your partner will insist on cooking the meals every day. It's the old "I'm terrible at this" strategy.

 

[Tired]

Haha oh you are a heartless man

 

[Misty Avich]

This thread ain't about who cooks food in a relationship, it's about the double standards everywhere we go.
I'll try another one.

Aspie: My NT partner just snatched the magazine I was reading out of my hands
What others would say: Maybe you were hogging the magazine and not noticing that he wanted to read it

Conversely...

Aspie: My NT partner was taking too long reading the magazine so I snatched it because I needed to read it
What others would say: That's so rude of you! You wait your turn or politely ask if you can read it after them. Snatching something away is never acceptable!

 

[Tired]

This thread ain't about who cooks food in a relationship, it's about the double standards everywhere we go.
I'll try another one.

Aspie: My NT partner just snatched the magazine I was reading out of my hands
What others would say: Maybe you were hogging the magazine and not noticing that he wanted to read it

Conversely...

Aspie: My NT partner was taking too long reading the magazine so I snatched it because I needed to read it
What others would say: That's so rude of you! You wait your turn or politely ask if you can read it after them. Snatching something away is never acceptable!

Yes, I understand, and I'm sorry you and other autistic people are going through this. I hope that at least your partner is not like this.

 

[Misty Avich]

Yes, I understand, and I m sorry you and other autistic people are going through this. I hope that at least your partner is not like this.

No, not at all. If I'm honest, these sorts of double standards only come up on autism sites (in my life anyway).
But when people know you have ASD you're more likely to be "in the wrong" whatever you do. Which is another reason why I don't tell people I have it.

 

[Tired]

No, not at all. If I'm honest, these sorts of double standards only come up on autism sites (in my life anyway).
But when people know you have ASD you're more likely to be "in the wrong" whatever you do. Which is another reason why I don't tell people I have it.

Well, if it's only on autism sites, despite it being crude and unpleasant, I'm glad to hear, that in your real life people treat you as a human being without any double standards. I understand that it's annoying and painful to look at these double standards, but I know that neither me nor you can do something about them, so I think it would be good for you to just focus on something, which makes you calm and happy, instead of being frustrated reading these mean things.

 

[Tired]

Why do some people act like they don't care when they clearly do? Aspie: "Where would you like to go out to eat tonight?" NT: "I don't care, pick something." Aspie: "OK, how about that Mexican restaurant near the shopping mall?" NT: "No. Not in the mood." Aspie: "OK, how about that new Italian restaurant that just opened?" NT: "No. Too many people in line. Let's wait a few weeks." and so on and so forth.

Oh people like these piss me off. They put a choice on you, because they "don't have preference," and then complain, when you choose something they don't like. And when I pinpoint their words about not having preferences, they become angry or upset. Some people just don't know what logic is, I guess.

 

[jsilver256]

Not sure I understand this thread's premise.

Most neurodiverse marriage threads I've seen, seem to be heavily tilted in favor of absolving the ASD and blaming the NT.

Separately, threads where OP solicits advice, will be universally answered with the presumption that OP can influence themselves and make changes. That might seem like a "double standard" when it is on ASD website and it is ASD requesting advice, but I don't think it is really.

 

[Misty Avich]

No, generally on autism sites the posters actually side with the NT in a general situation an Aspie might be complaining about. I think I got this idea from that site thing I said about in the other thread, and the 14 years I've spent posting on autism sites too.

I do receive some double standards in real life but not as much as I do on autism sites. I received more double standards when I was younger.

The point of this thread was to come up with examples of double standards, maybe one you've frequently experienced or just fancy getting it off your chest. I began discussing it in another thread where a member came up with a good analogy but I didn't want to derail the thread so that's why I started my own. Sometimes it's hard to avoid derailing threads when the derailed topic still comes from the topic of the thread. I do try to start new threads if possible.

 

[Misty Avich]

Oh, I have another one.

Aspie: I was sitting on a bus (not at the front) and there were a lot of available seats but someone came and plonked themselves down next to me with a baby with a smelly diaper on her lap, of all the places to sit!
What others (most likely on autism sites) would say: Well you don't own that seat, people have a right to sit anywhere they choose and the lady with the baby just decided to sit next to you

Conversely...

Aspie: I got on a bus with a lot of available seats with my baby who needed a diaper change, I looked around and decided to sit next to this random lady near the back on the bus but she didn't look too pleased
What others would say: Why did you choose to sit next to someone for when there were plenty of available seats? The lady probably thought you were weird or was probably annoyed you sat next to her with your baby when there was no need to.

 

[Misty Avich]

Also I'm just talking about double standards from a general point of view, from the perspectives of most of the autistic community.

 

[Judge]

This is where you have to recall that saying, "If you've seen one Aspie, you've seen one Aspie".

There is no "double standard" per se, but rather to acknowledge that even those of us on the spectrum do not necessarily identically relate to various social circumstances.

That I could see us all collectively split over both examples. Personally I would likely default to the second, and not the first. Though I also have come to know various individuals in this community which would likely default to the first example, eating the same thing over and over.

All reflecting that "spectrum" of behavior rather than any uniform set of traits and behaviors.

 

[tree]

Please note the example in my OP did NOT actually happen by the way, as I don't have communication struggles in my relationship. It's just a made up example and this thread is not a rant about something that happened to me significantly but about how everything NTs do get justified but if an Aspie does the exact same thing we still get a lecture.

That's quite a generalization.

Oh, I have another one.

Aspie: I was sitting on a bus (not at the front) and there were a lot of available seats but someone came and plonked themselves down next to me with a baby with a smelly diaper on her lap, of all the places to sit!
What others (most likely on autism sites) would say: Well you don't own that seat, people have a right to sit anywhere they choose and the lady with the baby just decided to sit next to you

Conversely...

Aspie: I got on a bus with a lot of available seats with my baby who needed a diaper change, I looked around and decided to sit next to this random lady near the back on the bus but she didn't look too pleased
What others would say: Why did you choose to sit next to someone for when there were plenty of available seats? The lady probably thought you were weird or was probably annoyed you sat next to her with your baby when there was no need to.

You're speculating on what you're imagining someone might say?
Not quoting anyone in particular, right?

So far, it looks as if you're hoping to establish a divide called 'double standards'
in which neurologies are pitted against each other with one consistently being
treated unfairly.

 

[Misty Avich]

Yes because they will. I did actually experiment once and the results were just as I imagined.

 

[Judge]

I did actually experiment once and the results were just as I imagined.

The results, yes. However your conclusion? -No.

The fact that we aren't created with the same "cookie-cutter" doesn't translate into a double standard. It just reflects the diversity among our own kind. Nothing wrong with that.

 

[Misty Avich]

I was talking about situations and the unfairness where it's okay for one party to do A bit of another party does A it's wrong. That's what a double standard is.