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Autism double standards

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I'll second AuroraBorealis and jsilver256. I am blamed to be an insensitive prick because I am in a habit of giving unwanted advice and solutions instead a comforting shoulder, and I am almost always awfully sorry about that. I just want to be helpful, especially when I feel someone's pain, and it just doesn't sink to my thick skull why would someone consider a comfort to be better than "a helpful solution".

It is that I myself rarely get anything out from sympathetic words, but rationalizing is something that pushes bad thoughts away. And, just like other people, I have a habit assuming without thinking that other people are at least a little bit like me and then I end up screwing things up by acting accordingly. I bet same applies to other people in this forum (I don't know other forums, I have been in ND-world less than a year)

Misty Avich said:
I seem to naturally offer sympathy or reassurance
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I wish I would be like that, but even when I figure out that I should do it, it feels stupid and awkward and out-of-place behavior - and just false, fake and wrong if I would do it.:( But when I do it, it is sometimes welcomed so well, that I probably should do it more often (to get better with it, sigh - still feels fake if it requires an actual practice)
 
UFO said:
I'll second AuroraBorealis and jsilver256. I am blamed to be an insensitive prick because I am in a habit of giving unwanted advice and solutions instead a comforting shoulder, and I am almost always awfully sorry about that. I just want to be helpful, especially when I feel someone's pain, and it just doesn't sink to my thick skull why would someone consider a comfort to be better than "a helpful solution".

It is that I myself rarely get anything out from sympathetic words, but rationalizing is something that pushes bad thoughts away. And, just like other people, I have a habit assuming without thinking that other people are at least a little bit like me and then I end up screwing things up by acting accordingly. I bet same applies to other people in this forum (I don't know other forums, I have been in ND-world less than a year)


I wish I would be like that, but even when I figure out that I should do it, it feels stupid and awkward and out-of-place behavior - and just false, fake and wrong if I would do it.:(
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It's understandable to get angry at oneself for missing these social cues that come obvious to a lot of NTs (most of the time, as they do sometimes miss important social cues). It's understandable to call oneself thick or stupid. I've often done to myself.
But try to see it this way - you still have empathy and you still care. Also a lot of people on the spectrum have high IQs, which can make it difficult not to overanalyze and rationalise situations and being knowledgeable enough to come up with advice.
Me, however, don't have the luxury of being a high IQ Aspie, so I just hover at the emotional, irrational level (which is average, as my IQ isn't low either). I used to worry that being unable to think of advice to give to people was a deficit, but in the past few years on these sites I've learnt that it's more or less the "correct" way in a lot of social situations (correct meaning socially acceptable).
 
UFO said:
I'll second AuroraBorealis and jsilver256. I am blamed to be an insensitive prick because I am in a habit of giving unwanted advice and solutions instead a comforting shoulder, and I am almost always awfully sorry about that. I just want to be helpful, especially when I feel someone's pain, and it just doesn't sink to my thick skull why would someone consider a comfort to be better than "a helpful solution".
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If you are doing it with the best of intentions, why is that anything to be sorry about or to apologize for? By that standard, NTs should also consider themselves awfully sorry when they offer you "unhelpful" sympathetic words...
 
jsilver256 said:
If you are doing it with the best of intentions, why is that anything to be sorry about or to apologize for? By that standard, NTs should also consider themselves awfully sorry when they offer you "unhelpful" sympathetic words...
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I meant that I feel sorry for making a mistake of causing more distress which I didn't mean to do, not for acting the way that I thought to be correct.

Misty Avich said:
It's understandable to get angry at oneself for missing these social cues that come obvious to a lot of NTs
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Luckily, "getting angry at oneself" might be a little bit too strong expression in my case (thought I admit that I ruminate too). When situation is on, I am more focused on defusing the situation rather than playing blame game with myself. And when the situation is over, I feel little reason to dwell on it. I think that constant habit of rationalizing and categorizing *) comes with an easy emotional distancing. Mr. Spock syndrome, I think.

*) "categorizing" means: When the situation is over, I kind of lock it to a solved case file in my mind and forget it and don't link it with anything else afterwards. I have noticed that other people tend to think differently: past experiences affect to current situations even if the link is very vague.
 
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UFO said:
I meant that I feel sorry for making a mistake of causing more distress which I didn't mean to do, not for acting the way that I thought to be correct.


Luckily, "getting angry at oneself" might be a little bit too strong expression in my case. When situation is on, I am more focused on defusing the situation rather than playing blame game with myself. And when the situation is over, I feel little reason to dwell on it. I think that constant habit of rationalizing and categorizing *) everything comes with an easy emotional distancing. Mr. Spock syndrome, I think.

*) "categorizing" means: When the situation is over, I kind of lock it to a solved case file in my mind and forget it and don't link it with anything else afterwards - while I have noticed that other people tend to think differently: past experiences affect to current situations even if link is very vague.
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I couldn't think of a milder word for "anger".

And yes, what you said is true. I wish I could think more like Spock, rather than the live version of...whichever famous character is really emotional and irrational.
 
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