Being Disliked

[Jumpinbare]

I like everyone by default. If I have met or interacted with you, even if we haven't gotten to know each other yet or at all, I still like you, just as a default thing. I don't mean in a gullible way, but to me "like" can mean neutral.
Until someone gives me a reason not to like them.

I treat people curteously, but by default I am neutral to them until they give me a reason to like them or not.

 

[FoxLovinPat]

I wouldn't say I'm afraid of being disliked, or at least that's not how I personally word it.
When I tell about it in regards to myself I call it a fear of judgment, that I'm afraid of being judged by others, and I suppose yeah bring disliked can apply there too I suppose, but I feel it's more broader a term for what I personally experience. And perhaps what I'm going to describe is in fact different but hopefully it'll be similar enough.

I've been slowly working on this in therapy and with the help of some of my friends but I still feel like I have a long ways to go unfortunately. I just try my best to just not think about what others might be thinking about me, which can be easier said than done at times. I've also been told that I shouldn't care about what random people I'll probably never encounter again think of me, and that at the end of the day they probably won't even remember me unless they're someone I encounter frequently.

I personally blame my father for my anxieties regarding what others might think of me, because throughout my childhood he's say things to me like "Don't act like that! Do you want people to think <insert bad thing here> of you?!", "Don't do that! Do you want people to think <insert bad thing here> of you?", "If you keep that up then your classmates will start calling you names!".
And on top of that he's a very judgemental person in general, he'll often make random comments about random people that he knows absolutely nothing about just based on how they might be looking or acting while he's observing them, or he'll see something and make a judgmental comment about it. I dunno why he feels the need to do this instead of.. oh I don't know not judging people he doesn't know?
What I was trying to get at there was that between my father telling me that I'll be judged by people if I don't change how I act, and my father regularly openly judging others, that I probably got the impression that the world was just a judgmental place where everyone is judging each other for the simplest and silliest of things all the time, and unfortunately that's a roadblock I'm still stuck on as part of me still is like "Yeah but humans are extremely judgmental of each other for the silliest of things!" and then inner me points to racism, sexism, homophobia, transphobia, xenophobia, etc, and reminds me that I too would probably end up on the recieving end of that kinda vile human behavior if I came out of my shell more.

I know this post is already running long as is but bear with me here if you've bothered to read this far..
I actually didn't really have friends during my middle/high school years because I was so crippled with anxiety that my classmates wouldn't like me if I showed myself to them, that they'd hate and judge me if I showed myself to them, etc, so I just didn't bother trying to make friends and was very much an isolationist loner. I still talked to classmates though, because I knew I needed to keep up appearances on that front but I never really tried to make anybody I talked to into my friends, they were more acquaintances really, and I lied to my father about having friends because I didn't want him to worry and I knew of I did tell him and tried to explain myself he just wouldn't understand.
I didn't make friends until my 20s and those were in online spaces, which is fine by me because at least I have friends now and I know what true friendship is like now, I don't care what my father thinks of that.

 

[Kalinychta]

I keep reading about how many autistic people are disliked, and I feel like a dufus but at 58 years old I remain at times terrified of being disliked, and it can make developing friendships nearly impossible because I am so focused on how others feel about me. At times it's painful: I have had so many failed relationships I just expect that people will be irritated by me; or even harass me, gossip about me, excommunicated me. What complicates it is that unless it's very obvious I have no real idea whether people like me or not. It's a complete guessing game, and it's very isolating, affecting self confidence. It impacts especially my self confidence. It's trite.

I think I should get over it, stop caring. I don't fit into the stereotype that all autistic people don't care about whether they're liked or not. I do care, but at my stage I wonder if I can ever change it. It can be genuinely debilitating because unlike other conditions autism is social, --human beings are social animals. We rely on others for spiritual growth, for safety, for stability and for love and self esteem. If a person is disliked all of these are jeopardized. It is one of my largest challenges. I think, talk and act in ways that are different, and when animals sense difference they often attack.

All my life I wanted to fit in, and pretended I didn't care. But I do. I was wondering if people other than me struggle with the same thing, with fears of being disliked, of being genuinely disliked in contexts like work.

Do you care when you're disliked? Has it gotten in your way for things you want to do? And how do you handle it. I really appreciate this group and generally just listen. But to be honest this is a big issue and I'd be so happy for some autistic advice.

Something I’ve noticed is that a lot of us are disliked because we’re trying to be liked, which makes us unlikable because we’re not being ourselves. We come off as awkward and weird, like really bad, smarmy actors. I’ve found that when I just chill and be myself, people tend to like me. When I’m nervous and masking, they don’t.

 

[Au Naturel]

I like everyone by default. If I have met or interacted with you, even if we haven't gotten to know each other yet or at all, I still like you, just as a default thing. I don't mean in a gullible way, but to me "like" can mean neutral.
Until someone gives me a reason not to like them.

I define "like" as affirmative enjoyment of the other person's company. I further divide "like" into friends and friendly acquaintances. A neutral attitude is that they have no strong feelings one way or another. Dislike is the negative side of the spectrum, a preference for avoidance and it comes in varying degrees. Most of my work relationships have been neutral.

Maybe it is just an inner need of mine to classify things. Like/dislike is a spectrum where everything blends seamlessly, just like a light spectrum. Different areas of an indivisible spectrum still get different names because it is useful.

As I got older, I cared less if I was "liked," as long as the relationship wasn't antagonistic. I had a job to do. A few positive people are all I need. My tolerance for dislike has grown as well. Just avoid those people and the problem is solved.

 

[The Pandector]

I’ve always cared a great deal about whether people like me. But I find it doesn’t matter whether or not I care. People don’t like me, and I don’t need any gaslighting on the issue.

I can believe/understand that a life of social isolation leaves you with a propensity to think you’re unliked, but that doesn’t mean that you’re not actually disliked. Some on the spectrum are undoubtedly in a different situation, but my situation is that people don’t like me.

This forum is my last resort. I come here out of an intense need to be part of a community, so am highly motivated to be a likable person. It doesn’t matter. The people here may understand me better than do others, but still don’t like me. I don’t think it matters a whit how much I care and want to be accepted; that has little impact on the outcome. People don’t like me. I got used to it, but they didn’t.

 

[Jumpinbare]

I’ve always cared a great deal about whether people like me. But I find it doesn’t matter whether or not I care. People don’t like me, and I don’t need any gaslighting on the issue.

I can believe/understand that a life of social isolation leaves you with a propensity to think you’re unliked, but that doesn’t mean that you’re not actually disliked. Some on the spectrum are undoubtedly in a different situation, but my situation is that people don’t like me.

This forum is my last resort. I come here out of an intense need to be part of a community, so am highly motivated to be a likable person. It doesn’t matter. The people here may understand me better than do others, but still don’t like me. I don’t think it matters a whit how much I care and want to be accepted; that has little impact on the outcome. People don’t like me. I got used to it, but they didn’t.

I don't know you enough to dislike you

 

[Rogue Princess]

You should discover narcissism. Realise all these people are beneath you and not worthy of space in your mind.

 

[lovely_darlingprettybaby]

You should discover narcissism. Realise all these people are beneath you and not worthy of space in your mind.

Well it would be easier than believing in someone who says narcissists are right and promotes them over the loving and caring
Like being loving and caring is easy.

 

[lovely_darlingprettybaby]

It is ok to fear being disliked.
Most people are essentially horrible
And only small pockets of good and geniune and loving people.
So it is hard to find anyone who truly cares in this life and apparently that is normal.
And those people will be the ones God loves and promotes.
Like He seems to think it is easy to remain caring in a cold world and it is an easy task when people use and abuse you all the time.
You are supposed to be brave your whole life then continue being it because that is what 'others' need, milk you for everything you have and not be grateful, make a mistake and throw you to the dogs.
Laugh at your pain and judge you when sick and look down on you when you do not do everything perfectly like apparently they do
So I think it is not easy being disliked but better than staying with people who cannot stand to let you have your light when you gave them theirs oh make a mistake and your toast so manipulative and God thinks it is ok and approves of people treating you like this
Or like you are apparently wrong for not constantly being the giver no matter how ill
And fitting everyone's box the rest of your life
And that is the only way to get any gratitude is if you keep bending to fit others in life and be their 'besties'
But this goes off track I am always happier alone then waiting for others to use and abuse me each day for their own means and purposes and then that is supposed to be the love I deserve.
So you suffer your whole life and then all you can take is leftovers off the ground.
Rather than finding anything geniune and real abd people who actually love and care about you like you matter and your happiness matters.

 

[Misty Avich]

I don't think it's fair to label people narcissists just because they are content with themselves.

 

[RemyZee]

It is ok to fear being disliked.
Most people are essentially horrible
And only small pockets of good and geniune and loving people.
So it is hard to find anyone who truly cares in this life and apparently that is normal.
And those people will be the ones God loves and promotes.
Like He seems to think it is easy to remain caring in a cold world and it is an easy task when people use and abuse you all the time.
You are supposed to be brave your whole life then continue being it because that is what 'others' need, milk you for everything you have and not be grateful, make a mistake and throw you to the dogs.
Laugh at your pain and judge you when sick and look down on you when you do not do everything perfectly like apparently they do
So I think it is not easy being disliked but better than staying with people who cannot stand to let you have your light when you gave them theirs oh make a mistake and your toast so manipulative and God thinks it is ok and approves of people treating you like this
Or like you are apparently wrong for not constantly being the giver no matter how ill
And fitting everyone's box the rest of your life
And that is the only way to get any gratitude is if you keep bending to fit others in life and be their 'besties'
But this goes off track I am always happier alone then waiting for others to use and abuse me each day for their own means and purposes and then that is supposed to be the love I deserve.
So you suffer your whole life and then all you can take is leftovers off the ground.
Rather than finding anything geniune and real abd people who actually love and care about you like you matter and your happiness matters.

Bending to fit other's desires, I realize it about myself and recognize the consequences it is exhausting to first of all constantly be trying to read how I'm affecting others. I think from the advice here the problem may not be so much bring afraid of being disliked but with often having no idea how people are experiencing me. Many times I've been convinced I was disliked or even hated only to discover I was wrong. At other times I've been convinced someone really liked me only to discover they couldn't stand me
It's like never knowing what's going on socially so it's so disorienting and anxiety promoting since I have no idea what's ever happening. The disappointment happens when I know for certain someone likes being around me only to find out I'm wring. Kind of sad because ot means missed opportunities. I do value friendship but it's a mystery to me

 

[The Pandector]

I don't know you enough to dislike you

Obviously, the comment wasn’t about strangers.

 

[Au Naturel]

I don't think it's fair to label people narcissists just because they are content with themselves.

Contentment is not narcissism at all. It is wanting what you have rather than chasing what you don't.

A little bit of narcissism is a good thing. It means you like yourself and imagine that others will like you. That attitude vastly increases the chances that people really will like you.

If you don't like - or just feel neutral - about yourself, even if you are a wonderful human being, it discourages other people from liking you. They take you at your own assessment.

Too much narcissism, or narcissism without empathy, (the two are not inherently in conflict) becomes a problem. If it is bad enough, it is a psychiatric disorder

 

[Misty Avich]

I always thought narcissism was a negative thing or could be an insult. There seems to be stigma attached to narcissism that makes narcissism border on to psychopathy. I think I got that idea from reading plenty of horror stories here about people on the spectrum dealing with narcissists and even being abused by narcissists, or having narcissist parents. So narcissism seems to be portrayed in a negative light and makes me feel ashamed and even panic if anyone implied I'm a narcissist (even though I'm not).

 

[Au Naturel]

I always thought narcissism was a negative thing or could be an insult. There seems to be stigma attached to narcissism that makes narcissism border on to psychopathy. I think I got that idea from reading plenty of horror stories here about people on the spectrum dealing with narcissists and even being abused by narcissists, or having narcissist parents. So narcissism seems to be portrayed in a negative light and makes me feel ashamed and even panic if anyone implied I'm a narcissist (even though I'm not).

We tend to use the most extreme example when we talk about something.

Like most human traits, a little is healthy, and a lot is bad news. It becomes a problem when coupled with a lack of empathy. (Narcissistic personality disorder.) It has also become a fashionable accusation, and people throw it at anyone they don't like. Along with all the gaslighting accusations by people who don't know what gaslighting is or where it came from.

 

[Misty Avich]

We tend to use the most extreme example when we talk about something.

Like most human traits, a little is healthy, and a lot is bad news. It becomes a problem when coupled with a lack of empathy. (Narcissistic personality disorder.) It has also become a fashionable accusation, and people throw it at anyone they don't like.

Yes, don't I know it lol, along with racist and a few other words. I've been called all of them on internet forums that has wrecked the little self-image I once had. It absolutely hurts because all of them just started off with poor choice of wording on my part and paranoid, entitled misinterpretation on their part and them not listening to me when I tried to put things right.

 

[kriss72]

A little bit of narcissism is a good thing. It means you like yourself and imagine that others will like you. That attitude vastly increases the chances that people really will like you.

Is that the same as (self) confidence?

 

[Au Naturel]

Yes, don't I know it lol, along with racist and a few other words. I've been called all of them on internet forums that has wrecked the little self-image I once had. It absolutely hurts because all of them just started off with poor choice of wording on my part and paranoid, entitled misinterpretation on their part and them not listening to me when I tried to put things right.

One of my pet peeves is calling someone addicted because they won't stop doing something the accuser wants them to stop. I've been called an alcoholic because I usually have a drink or two before bedtime. The point of name-calling is to bring you down and make the name-caller feel superior. Just another variety of verbal bullying.

 

[Misty Avich]

One of my pet peeves is calling someone addicted because they won't stop doing something the accuser wants them to stop. I've been called an alcoholic because I usually have a drink or two before bedtime. The point of name-calling is to bring you down and make the name-caller feel superior. Just another variety of verbal bullying.

It sure is bullying. I try not to catastrophise people's behaviour by calling them extreme accusations unless I know they really are that bad. And the people online who have called me those accusations have proven that they are bullies so I'm not reluctant to call them that now (not directly to them). I gave them a lot of chances before I came to that conclusion.
Don't worry, it's nobody on this site.

 

[Neri]

Narcissism is not self confidence. It is actually the opposite. It is portraying a false image of yourself to elicit a response in other's, in order to reinforce that image.

Narcissus loved an image of himself, not his actual self, and spurned other's, for his own besottedness with his own image.

It is a sad condition, whereby children were shamed and emotionally neglected so much, that they actually feel deeply inadequate, but that feeling is too unbearable, so they project this false image and try to manipulate other's to reinforce this image. It is a very sad and tragic condition and involves enormous emotional pain. They grow up to be very emotionally damaged people and if they don't get help to heal, they spread that emotional damage to other's. There is a huge amount of shame involved in narcissism, it is similar to complex, developmental post traumatic stress disorder, but whereby people with cPTSD distrust people enormously and often want to avoid others, for fear of being emotionally crushed and further injury to their sense of self, narcissistic people NEED other's to prop up their fabricated sense of self. This is called "narcissistic supply".

None of this is intended to be used to bully, it is simply intended to identify a damaged and damaging social-emotional dynamic. If you don't have language to identify something problematic, how can you address and hopefully solve such social problems? Unless one has been subject to this kind of abuse and illness, or are a treating therapist, how can you possibly understand?

Another aspect to it is an exaggerated sense of entitlement, often people who suffer from narcissistic tendencies, and to the degree of the diagnosis "narcissistic personality disorder" (which few people with narcissistic traits get diagnosed with, on account of not wanting the exposure), is that they were often not given heathy boundaries as children.

All of us go through a narcissistic stage, as young children, when what we want is all that matters to us, but people who struggle with narcissistic behaviors, as adults, are pretty much stuck, in an emotionally immature stage of development. They haven't developed the consideration of other's and were failed, as children, to have these important social lessons imparted to them. Narcissistic people are often the product of narcissistic parents, which is incredibly sad, to me.