Being Disliked

[Misty Avich]

Well that depends on how one identifies empathy. When talking about narcissism and psychopathy, empathy means to be kind and understanding and respectful.
But when talking about autism, empathy means being able to read body language.
I think cognitive empathy should be changed to "social instinct" or something, as not to confuse or mislead people into thinking that autism means heartless. This is most likely where the stigma attached to autism comes from.
Not everyone is familiar with the terms cognitive empathy and compassionate empathy. I'm assuming autistics lack cognitive empathy but not compassionate empathy, and narcissists lack compassionate empathy but not cognitive empathy? Even so, usually when people are describing empathy they're describing the clichéd "kind and understanding" type.

Empathy is a hot topic with me, because I believe I have empathy (both kinds, if it has to have two different meanings). If I didn't have the compassionate empathy then my impulses would be a lot more dangerous. I am very impulsive but my naturally built-in empathy instincts kick in which subconsciously stops my impulses from becoming dangerous without me having to consciously stop myself. So if I didn't have empathy I'd probably impulsively be going around bullying people, or worse, hurting or killing people, giving how strong my impulses can be. So whenever someone denies my empathy like they did on the other site (I don't care if they see this any more, they know who they are, traitors) it freaks me out and offends me (I don't normally get offended like that but when it comes to direct personal attacks then I do, like we all do as humans).

 

[Aspie_With_Attitude]

I am no stranger to being disliked, the worst time in my life when I was disliked was growing up in High School especially being caught out in neurotypical driven society through out the 1990's. I even explained my story from 1994 up until 1999 in this YouTube content.

 

[Aspychata]

I always try to champion for the underdog, because l have walked in those shoes. Sometimes being on the spectrum means being disliked. We aren't easy to manipulate, and that creates people who dislikes us. And l don't have a need for random strangers, l value my personal space, and that creates others who dislike me.

 

[kriss72]

We aren't easy to manipulate, and that creates people who dislikes us.

I really admire your strength @Aspychata , I could use some of that... I agree so far as a failed manipulation attempt can lead to dislike, but I'm not sure that is worse than the view that person had before, thinking it's ok to manipulate.

I'm not sure about the part with not being easy to manipulate, trying to avoid conflicts and fitting in can be strong forces making you do things you don't really want to.

 

[Rodafina]

I think for me, the feeling of being disliked was very freeing. I spent all of my youth trying to be liked by all and became such a people pleaser that I didn't start to solidify my own personality until I was in my 30s. Of course, there were plenty of times in the past that I've been disliked, but I worked so hard to avoid this that I lost myself completely.

Now, I know that I will be sometimes disliked and more often disregarded. But that comes from me being myself and I wouldn't trade that for anything after so many years of trying to be something that I was not. The upside of this is that there are others who do like me and have made me feel very loved and accepted. Because I can be true to myself now (and risk being disliked by some), I know that those who do like and accept me are seeing the Real Rodafina and not some manufactured image that I think will be pleasing to others.

Embracing the notion of being disliked is freedom to be imperfect and be myself. I heard someone say this once and it always stuck with me (when I googled it, it appears that credit goes to Lecrae Moore, although I don't know anything about him.):

"If you live for their acceptance, you will die by their rejection."

 

[Aspychata]

"If you live for their acceptance, you will die by their rejection."
[/QUOTE] Yes, l grew up doing this as a means of survival in my childhood because my father could just go on a rampage with no provocation. So l became a first class people pleaser as a result of being held emotional hostage. I now no longer tolerate anybody like that, and do stand my ground, however it was a huge hurdle to overcome. Now l spend more time reviewing my boundaries and keeping those intact as my daily drill.

 

[AdriannaD]

I went through it when I was in middle school by some kids.Was from my Aspergers.It hurt inside.One threw a pen at me in class once.I was lucky the tip part did not go into my skin.The boy did get suspended from school for it

 

[kriss72]

I went through it when I was in middle school by some kids.Was from my Aspergers.It hurt inside.One threw a pen at me in class once.I was lucky the tip part did not go into my skin.The boy did get suspended from school for it

Sounds bad, I don't think I ever had something directly dangerous thrown at me, it was things like garbage and I especially remember cigarette butts (yeah, the older kids could smoke in school at that time). I didn't know how to deal with it... and never told the teachers, I just really didn't like break time - it was mainly at an evening school for teens it happened, and maybe at that day school I went to before I was a teen, but I remember it more like being pushing and verbal there, and from older students, not from my classmates.

 

[Misty Avich]

The boy did get suspended from school for it

Good. Serves him right.

 

[Aspychata]

In second grade, a bratty boy told my daughter, he was going to kill her. When l reported it to the principal, ( who is a stupid derogatory word) said that she was friends with his family and he didn't mean it. While my poor daughter, who is on the spectrum, was terrified. I took her out of school for homeschooling. Of course now l am thankful to that little boy, and the female principal. Homeschooling was the best thing for her, and she did graduate from a great university.

 

[Neri]

It used to confuse and upset me, this sense of being disliked. I couldn't understand why. Then I realized that my oddness and my intensity and my apparent aloofness plus my authenticity, all contribute to being perceived in a way that is uncomfortable or dismissive for some people. Now that I know I'm autistic, I just take in on the chin, or should I say, I accept it with awareness that it goes with the autism.

 

[Aspychata]

@Neri - you nailed it. We like being authentic, we like ourselves unless we had a different childhood message. I let my daughter find herself, l didn't groom her for marriage, as l saw other moms do to their little girls. I always stressed knowledge and critical thinking skills, and positive reinforcement for learning, not hey you missed these answers and you are wrong.

 

[AprilR]

I agree with Rodafina. When i have come to love myself as i am, being disliked even felt freeing to me. I was not some doormat people pleaser going out of her way to just be tolerated. Now, if someone does not like me, i don't care at all. Let them deal with it.

People don't have to like each other, but they have the responsibility to act civil as adults.

 

[FoxLovinPat]

Wow you guys are so brave, not caring so much of what others might think of you.
That impresses me a lot and I often wonder how people do it, and I often wish I could do it too.
Perhaps with some more time and healing I can get there too but rn?

..Ya I'm still very much afraid of what others might think of me.
I blame my father for that, for a childhood of being told that certain things I did were weird and worthy of judgment from others will ofc lead to a fear of judgment. Ugh x.x

I have made some progress though ofc, but I still have a ways to go.
Overall I just wish that humans were less judgmental in general and I really don't understand why so many are. Like just let people be themselves, why you gotta make what someone else is doing your problem unless ofc it is directly affecting you negatively? ..which most of the time it's not and you're just being a judgmental jerk for no reason. (That's not aimed at anyone here, you here represents a judgmental person not you the person reading this.)

 

[Jumpinbare]

Wow you guys are so brave, not caring so much of what others might think of you.
That impresses me a lot and I often wonder how people do it, and I often wish I could do it too.

Being a card-carrying Old Geezer helps.

 

[Misty Avich]

Wow you guys are so brave, not caring so much of what others might think of you.
That impresses me a lot and I often wonder how people do it, and I often wish I could do it too.

Yeah I know how you feel. Self-consciousness and self-awareness has been kind of instilled into me from a young age, and now I just naturally care what people think. I don't particularly want to be a walking target for people to make a mockery of and be the laughing stock. I don't have the autistic ability to be able to shut my social mind off and just not care. It's hard to just not care when you do care.

There's a very true saying that is relevant in mostly all life situations, and that's: It only matters if you care. And for me I don't consciously choose to care, but because instinctively I do care what people think of me, then what they think of me matters. It's all about pride and dignity, which is important to me.

I know spectrumers who tell me to just not care and be happy mean well, but it's easier said than done and it isn't very helpful for some of us. I'm on that in-between autism + NT line, where I subconsciously don't want to stand out in public or be an embarrassment. Who wants to be embarrassing? Who wants to be a target for bullies? I don't.

 

[A Fluffy Gray Cat]

Being disliked is going to happen. Being on the internet especially truly opens you up to a world that hates anything that deviates from the norm unless it can be exploited. Autistic people are definitely on that list.

But if I'm going to be real, it can sometimes cause some loneliness and surely causes a whole lot of distrust, but in the end, they're likely people that you never would have wanted to be around to begin with. I've come to learn that even if the neurotypical crowd will try to shame you into submitting to normality, nothing they will ever do will allow to you to be any safer or more of yourself.

So screw them, I'm happy the way I am. People will hate me anyway, and that shouldn't bother me.

 

[Au Naturel]

I know spectrumers who tell me to just not care and be happy mean well, but it's easier said than done and it isn't very helpful for some of us.

You should only "not care" about things you have no control over. You have some control over being disliked. Some autistic people glory in being disliked and consider it a badge of honor. Good for them.

A few people will dislike any authentic person, regardless of whether they are ND. I consider being widely disliked a handicap in life. It prevents people from cooperating with you. Most objectives in life require cooperation.

It is also important to avoid lumping "doesn't like or dislike" into the "dislike" or "actively dislike" zones. You can work with neutrals. They will not intentionally cause you pain.

Belonging is a fundamental need. So is wanting to be liked. It exists because, in the distant past, people who did not belong did not survive well. People who did not have friends did not survive as well, nor did they leave as many children. Basic needs are not reasoned away easily. Like any inherited trait, some have more "need" than others (Bell curve distribution again,) but being liked also has practical value.

Some "dislikes" are inevitable. You have to accept that because you can do nothing about it. Acceptance doesn't mean approval; it means you stop struggling over it and wasting mental bandwidth. It gets placed in a psychological neutral zone. It is an acquired skill, and the acquisition is neither easy nor quick.

I believe that if you exercise kindness, patience, and empathy, someone will like you, and you'll have more friendly acquaintances. (It is important to discern who to make an effort for and who is hopeless. Not always an easy call.) You may have to swing at a lot of balls to get a few hits, but that's a ball game. Enjoy what you get, and don't create expectations that can be foiled. Understanding helps too. People who are cruel or unreasonable or just jerks are no different from bad weather. Batten down the hatches if you must and walk away if you can.

I try to be authentic. If I know something I do really sets someone off, I'll avoid doing it in their presence. That isn't being inauthentic; that's being both empathic and practical. It doesn't mean I won't instantly revert when the environment allows.

 

[Rodafina]

Accepting that we may be disliked in this life and choosing to live in an authentic way is not something that seems very easy to me at all. Rather, it takes a conscious effort and a great deal of work. Some people are willing to put in the work to build their self-esteem and learn about self acceptance.

I think there are two preliminary steps that one can take toward becoming more comfortable with being sometimes disliked. One of those steps is to notice that none of us are the center of the universe, and we are not necessarily as noticeable or important as we think we are. Most people go about their days focused on themselves and each one of us is only the main character in our own mind. Grave concern for being liked, or more importantly accepted, ought to be saved for those who are closest to us in our lives and not spent on acquaintances and strangers.

The other step is to work on not judging others. Very judgmental people can go through life feeling as if they are also being judged. On the other hand, people who are very accepting of others can start to imagine this acceptance could be afforded to themselves as well. It seems the more that each one of us is accepting of others’ flaws, eccentricities, and differences, the more free we will feel to simply exist as the human being that we are (without so much fear of being observed and judged negatively by others).

 

[Au Naturel]

The other step is to work on not judging others.

Bingo! This hit the jackpot.

Humans are mired in assigning fault, applying blame, and making harsh judgments. We waste our energies on pointing fingers at others and failing to do the important job of moving on and improving our situation.

Neurodiverse people are not particularly innocent of this.