Boyfriend is obsessed with me

[Zain]

What's his height?

 

[Judge]

Ironic to think that I was once in a three-year relationship with an NT woman, but much of your scenario was just the opposite of mine. Me being the autistic one who craved periodic but necessary solitude. She being the one who was perpetually clingy.

Though at the time neither of us had a clue I could be on the spectrum of autism. Yet we both were aware of her hypersexuality, which sometimes put quite a spin on the relationship as well. Her "obsession" not being about me so much as her own endorphins.

And in our case, we really did exist together on a 24/7 basis. She not only lived with me, but she also worked only about eight feet from my office cubicle. Probably a challenge for most people regardless of neurological implications.

My need to be occasionally alone was most of why she eventually dumped me. So many years later the experience still breaks my heart. Forever wondering if being self-aware of my own autism could have helped me preserve this relationship. Then again perhaps it was doomed from the outset.

 

[Crossbreed]

If this is a truly long-term relationship, then he needs to actively pursue steps to help him become more independent such as vocational training, etc., and having you support those goals would be a giant plus.

There is no shame in being on disability, but he must still be prepared to handle that resource responsibly.

Early in our marriage, my wife brought in our main source of income, SSI. She had a hard time releasing "her" money to me (since I was the numbers guy). After we went bankrupt, she relented. I took the reins, making sure to be as fair and generous as possible. Now, I bring in SSDI and continue with the same strategies as I did with "her" money. As a couple, it is not "my" nor "her" money, it is all "our" money. She handles some of the funds and I handle the parts that would overwhelm her.

Whoever is better with numbers should be in charge of the main money.

 

[Aspychata]

My last relationship, the ND person, they were way more knowledgeable with finances and money than l will ever be in my lifetime, so no shame at all to either the OP or her boyfriend.

 

[Rebecca35]

What's his height?

? Why does that matter?

 

[Zain]

? Why does that matter?

You've listed a lot of negatives. I don't have those, yet I've never had a girlfriend. I want to know what made you want to be in a relationship with him.

 

[Outdated]

You've listed a lot of negatives. I don't have those, yet I've never had a girlfriend. I want to know what made you want to be in a relationship with him.

Your questions suggest an attitude guaranteed to prevent you from ever having a girlfriend.

Yes, women like to fantasize about a tall well muscled man in much the same way I fantasize about well proportioned redheads, but fantasy has absolutely nothing to do with reality. What attracts people to each other is Character.

I've met a few very good looking women over the years that would have gladly followed me home, but once they started talking their low intellect and poor education turned me right off of them. I also met quite a few that I was interested in but they had no interest in me, that's just the way the cookie crumbles sometimes. Learn to live with it.

 

[Zain]

Your questions suggest an attitude guaranteed to prevent you from ever having a girlfriend.

Yes, women like to fantasize about a tall well muscled man in much the same way I fantasize about well proportioned redheads, but fantasy has absolutely nothing to do with reality. What attracts people to each other is Character.

I've met a few very good looking women over the years that would have gladly followed me home, but once they started talking their low intellect and poor education turned me right off of them. I also met quite a few that I was interested in but they had no interest in me, that's just the way the cookie crumbles sometimes. Learn to live with it.

And you are claiming then that this lady was attracted to her boyfriend's character? I'm trying to figure out whether that's right or wrong. It seems to me that she despises many integral parts to his character.
I do agree we want people on the same level of intelligence at least. But this comes after looks.
So women choose the character of the men they fantasise about before deciding what physical traits he should have? Or is it the reverse?
My questions are completely fine and inoffensive. My height definitely plays a role in dating, like you just said.

 

[Rebecca35]

You've listed a lot of negatives. I don't have those, yet I've never had a girlfriend. I want to know what made you want to be in a relationship with him.

I asked you a direct question to your question about his height.

 

[1ForAll]

Your questions suggest an attitude guaranteed to prevent you from ever having a girlfriend.

Yes, women like to fantasize about a tall well muscled man in much the same way I fantasize about well proportioned redheads, but fantasy has absolutely nothing to do with reality. What attracts people to each other is Character.

I've met a few very good looking women over the years that would have gladly followed me home, but once they started talking their low intellect and poor education turned me right off of them. I also met quite a few that I was interested in but they had no interest in me, that's just the way the cookie crumbles sometimes. Learn to live with it.

In my opinion, most guys I believe do not focus too much on a lady's character. Do I wish they did more? Absolutely. But, beggars cannot be choosers when women are rejecting guys left and right because of many reasons, often even not associated with good character. Good character may only come into play if other more important factors fit like some financial security benefit and romance, sex and looks.

For instance, look at all the shy and nice guys alone or with less choices, with women favoring guys that seem without good or ideal character or that could be even rotten to the core , or who may have the ability to mask stuff or say the right things, or as arrogance, looks and job type, social status or money are prioritized over good character. Some might say, "Well a great job shows responsibility, hard work, energy, etc.Great character!"

Well, those with a less good job or without one can be responsible and hardworking in other ways, too. Look at all the women and men staying home. Must we think their character is less good because of that? They could have even more or better lasting character traits. And yet women would more apt to reject a guy primarily at home, or one disabled, despite any character showing great personality, ethics and morals? Also, many who succeed, could have done so by stepping on or over others, or who lacked some important value doing so. Not always, but for high status jobs, this occurs often, yes!

And even if one could argue great confidence, humor, communication skills, and shown reliability and responsibility were indeed true in another and revealed parts of their good character, sometimes other good to great character traits then may not be honed or developed, may not exist, or take a back seat. We all often want to quickly assume these things or think these things are the best, when in reality, time will often determine that, or we must look deeper.

In my case, I just wish both men and women would not dwell on the superficial stuff and value character more, character that is not necessarily shown just on the surface, and as that can be misleading sometimes as well, and under duress and adversity or conflict other more negative traits reveal themselves more. Also, I wish more men and women would get to know others more before making determinations or judgments. We have one side to this story for instance.

I do appreciate the op mentioning she has mental illness and mentioning her behaviors that are less than ideal under duress. I do think she could have shown more balance though and explained the good things about him, that attracted her to him, instead of focusing on just negatives. If it was a case instead where she could not be picky, like if she was not getting many opportunities because of her condition, any lack of employment, or because of her child that a guy would be financially responsible for if the relationship became more official, then sometimes women can be less choosy too. I understand that .

I just feel I as a married guy am the rarer type that values kindness, honesty, loyalty, patience and efforts, to name a few, more than typical persons. I always have, and always will. Others seem to value more superficial things and things that are money, sex or looks related, show-off character traits or results related, certain communication skills related or more confidence and humor related, which are not at the top of my list as being seen as defining character traits as they do not necessarily show goodness and longevity to me. I value those more with mostly positive attitudes and who show just as much care for others than themselves, those with other inner good traits, including those showing regular good efforts in their daily doings, and those with insights too, and those with one or more similar interests.

 

[Rebecca35]

QIn my opinion, most guys I believe do not focus too much on a lady's character. Do I wish they did more? Absolutely. But, beggars cannot be choosers when women are rejecting guys left and right because of many reasons, often even not associated with good character. Good character may only come into play if other more important factors fit like some financial security benefit and romance, sex and looks.

For instance, look at all the shy and nice guys alone or with less choices, with women favoring guys that seem without good or ideal character or that could be even rotten to the core , or who may have the ability to mask stuff or say the right things, or as arrogance, looks and job type, social status or money are prioritized over good character. Some might say, "Well a great job shows responsibility, hard work, energy, etc.Great character!"

Well, those with a less good job or without one can be responsible and hardworking in other ways, too. Look at all the women and men staying home. Must we think their character is less good because of that? They could have even more or better lasting character traits. And yet women would more apt to reject a guy primarily at home, or one disabled, despite any character showing great personality, ethics and morals? Also, many who succeed, could have done so by stepping on or over others, or who lacked some important value doing so. Not always, but for high status jobs, this occurs often, yes!

And even if one could argue great confidence, humor, communication skills, and shown reliability and responsibility were indeed true in another and revealed parts of their good character, sometimes other good to great character traits then may not be honed or developed, may not exist, or take a back seat. We all often want to quickly assume these things or think these things are the best, when in reality, time will often determine that, or we must look deeper.

In my case, I just wish both men and women would not dwell on the superficial stuff and value character more, character that is not necessarily shown just on the surface, and as that can be misleading sometimes as well, and under duress and adversity or conflict other more negative traits reveal themselves more. Also, I wish more men and women would get to know others more before making determinations or judgments. We have one side to this story for instance.

I do appreciate the op mentioning she has mental illness and mentioning her behaviors that are less than ideal under duress. I do think she could have shown more balance though and explained the good things about him, that attracted her to him, instead of focusing on just negatives. If it was a case instead where she could not be picky, like if she was not getting many opportunities because of her condition, any lack of employment, or because of her child that a guy would be financially responsible for if the relationship became more official, then sometimes women can be less choosy too. I understand that .

I just feel I as a married guy am the rarer type that values kindness, honesty, loyalty, patience and efforts, to name a few, more than typical persons. I always have, and always will. Others seem to value more superficial things and things that are money, sex or looks related, show-off character traits or results related, certain communication skills related or more confidence and humor related, which are not at the top of my list as being seen as defining character traits as they do not necessarily show goodness and longevity to me. I value those more with mostly positive attitudes and who show just as much care for others than themselves, those with other inner good traits, including those showing regular good efforts in their daily doings, and those with insights too, and those with one or more similar interests.

I agree with you but when someone says no, no means no. It's a moral thing. There is no excuse

 

[Rebecca35]

And you are claiming then that this lady was attracted to her boyfriend's character? I'm trying to figure out whether that's right or wrong. It seems to me that she despises many integral parts to his character.
I do agree we want people on the same level of intelligence at least. But this comes after looks.
So women choose the character of the men they fantasise about before deciding what physical traits he should have? Or is it the reverse?
My questions are completely fine and inoffensive. My height definitely plays a role in dating, like you just said.

Appearance means nothing to me. Personality and character is that I look at. I don't care what you're struggling with, as long as you have good morals then I'm fine

 

[Rebecca35]

And you are claiming then that this lady was attracted to her boyfriend's character? I'm trying to figure out whether that's right or wrong. It seems to me that she despises many integral parts to his character.
I do agree we want people on the same level of intelligence at least. But this comes after looks.
So women choose the character of the men they fantasise about before deciding what physical traits he should have? Or is it the reverse?
My questions are completely fine and inoffensive. My height definitely plays a role in dating, like you just said.

You have totally read my post wrong. There is no "other woman".

 

[Rebecca35]

You have totally read my post wrong. There is no "other woman".

Then who are you referring to as "the lady"??

 

[Rebecca35]

You've listed a lot of negatives. I don't have those, yet I've never had a girlfriend. I want to know what made you want to be in a relationship with him.

It doesn't matter about his height. And it certainly doesn't matter what you want. I'm not talking about you. You need to separate you from my boyfriend. I'm only on this site because I do truly care

 

[Gerontius]

Hello Rebecca--

I would suggest take a break from the relationship as you absolutely don't need to be treated like that if you don't want to. The disrespecting of your PTSD is concerning; I would also be concerned by the pushing constantly to have sex in public and other things. Don't let someone victimize you.

No, it's not a crime to break up with a man over things like this. At age forty-three he likely won't improve in his attitude to women and I do not think I would like to be in your shoes with a partner who makes you feel like this. This is not the full experience of love. He will not die if you dump him. You will not thrive if you keep him (in his present state.)

 

[Kalinychta]

You should definitely end this relationship immediately. I’m guessing he will harass and stalk you when you do, so be prepared for the possibility that you may need to file a restraining order against him. Your daughter shouldn’t be watching her mother being treated this way either. And it doesn’t matter if your boyfriend is autistic or not;—he doesn’t get a free pass to mistreat you just because he’s on the spectrum, nor should you bend over backwards trying to understand his horrendous behavior.

The comment about how tall he is and good things about him: this is gaslighting. Your boyfriend is creepy, lecherous, controlling, obsessive, selfish, aggressive, and uninterested in (or unable to grasp) your feelings, needs, and boundaries. This behavior should not be tolerated.

Here is the number to the National Domestic Violence hotline should you end up needing advice/help: 800-799-7233.

 

[Rebecca35]

Hello Rebecca--

I would suggest take a break from the relationship as you absolutely don't need to be treated like that if you don't want to. The disrespecting of your PTSD is concerning; I would also be concerned by the pushing constantly to have sex in public and other things. Don't let someone victimize you.

No, it's not a crime to break up with a man over things like this. At age forty-three he likely won't improve in his attitude to women and I do not think I would like to be in your shoes with a partner who makes you feel like this. This is not the full experience of love. He will not die if you dump him. You will not thrive if you keep him (in his present state.)

Thank you for your response. I did break up with him. He Said he was going to kill himself in his group home so he went to the hospital for help. I know he would never actually try to kill himself but saying "I'm going to kill myself' I believe that statement. I know he doesnt mean it. It just means hes actually hurt. I will not tolerate being held hostage in a relationship when someone threaten that. I have many mental health issues and I need to focus on myself. As much as I want to help him with his issues I can't, I'm drained

 

[Aspychata]

Sorry that it ended on a bad note, but you have grown, and you now can state boundaries to the next person you date. One boundary is that intimacy has to be consensual, and not in public places which could result in police arrests and affect you being hired. If someone seems clingy then that is a red flag. l actually hate to date because breaking up can really be devastating to a lot of men. l had to move out of state because l felt the guy wouldn't break up with me, we had been together for years and l knew l had to move away.

 

[Crossbreed]

And it doesn’t matter if your boyfriend is autistic or not;—he doesn’t get a free pass to mistreat you just because he’s on the spectrum, nor should you bend over backwards trying to understand his horrendous behavior.

Do not let this experience ruin your view of autism. It is not his autism that is creating these problems, but brain damage on top of his autism.

Most of the people here who have advised against accepting these behaviors are, ourselves, autistic --but without said brain damage. Even being autistic, we would not consider marrying into such abusive brain damage, ourselves.