You are not my mother, nor did I break any rules here. I call it as I see it.
-
Welcome to Autism Forums, a friendly forum to discuss Aspergers Syndrome, Autism, High Functioning Autism and related conditions.
Your voice is missing! You will need to register to get access to the following site features:- Reply to discussions and create your own threads.
- Our modern chat room. No add-ons or extensions required, just login and start chatting!
- Private Member only forums for more serious discussions that you may wish to not have guests or search engines access to.
- Your very own blog. Write about anything you like on your own individual blog.
We hope to see you as a part of our community soon! Please also check us out @ https://www.twitter.com/aspiescentral
Boyfriend is obsessed with me
- Thread starter Rebecca35
- Start date
Rebecca35
Member
I'm glad I'm not your mother. Just STOP.
Your wish is granted, lol!
Rebecca35
Member
You are not understanding STOP. You don't need the final word or anything but when someone says STOP that is when you literally stop. I don't know you. I don't know your limitations but what I do know from interacting with you is that you get emotionally invested with speculations. I can break that down further if you want but I'm assuming that's not going to happen because you are stuck on YOUR speculate opinions. I will absolutely stand up for myself. Yes I struggle with ptsd but what don't know is that I work with law. Not only law but I've worked in the medical field also. My personal ptsd does not define me nor sure I tolerate you blaming a victim. But again, I understand your limitations and I can absolutely break it down for you so you can learn. I do not dislike you. I do not judge you if you're autistic or not. But PLEASE one word of advice to you is that you need to have an open mind. I suspect you have alot of limitations and that's okay if you are willing to learn but if your not then that is a moral choice and that speaks volumes that taking the lable autism and holding it above you to try to save you from others. It doesn't work that way. Again, if you want more info on my relationship or myself I am willing to provide that and help you understand what's going on but it is NOT okay to jab at me and ASSUME that I did anything to my boyfriend. You are insulting victims right off the bat. You do not know that I was raped for 8 hours and almost murdered. You do not know many things. In the long run it will help you to get the FACTS rather than ASSUME. I'm not trying to be mean. I'm just trying to get it through to you. Again, idk you. I'm literally throwing noodles at a wall and see what sticks with you. I do not know if you can understand that saying. If you need help understanding then absolutely ill help you but I will not tolerate victim shaming.
Autistic Anarchist Auntie
New Member
Hi Rebecca,
As a (level 2) autistic person happily married for 30yrs, I feel 100% confident in diagnosing your (hopefully EX) boyfriend as an arsehole. He's obviously a coercive control perpetrator.
His autism doesn't excuse his behaviour or even explain it. There are a lot of lovely guys out there, including awesome autistic guys who won't try to use their autism as an "excuse" to abuse you.
I hope you've split up with him and are safely enjoying life with your daughter. I hope you'll stay safe from him in future. If he continues to threaten you, you need and deserve protection. Take any threats very seriously.
Sending you best wishes for your future safety and happiness.
You sound very ignorant about the reality of actual relationships.
Some women are just too tolerant, too kind, too accepting for too long toward immature, objectifying men that treat women like walking, talking sex dolls and like their too indulging mummies and the men are the spoilt brat horny teenagers.
When women have sex their bodies produce a lot of oxytocin. This bonds us with the man and can make us too tolerant of their bad behaviour for too long. Men, typically, have to fall in love for that to happen, sex, alone, is not enough. Us women stay too long due to our hormonal predisposition. Maybe men do that too, but in this case the woman has, clearly and obviously, stayed too long, with a very immature man. That is her fault, and it's one I recognise because I've done the same thing with badly behaved, immature, autistic men too. Two of them; the first of which was a 21 year relationship, the second I just left and it was 14 years.
That is the only fault evidenced from her posts. You are adding too much of your own story that has nothing to do with what we have been informed of, by the OP.
Last edited:
Hi @Rebecca35, you may not see this, and that's very understandable as this is how humans are, we can only dealt with so much at one time, and are not well equipped to be objective as a rule...
But I think you're mirroring what you feel is coming at you from others, and are quite aggressively defensive although you've no need to be. I guess you'll likely think I'm attacking you, but that's not the case though I fully appreciate why it would seem to be. I may be wrong, but I think some others may have seen this too (whether rightly or wrongly) and have tried to put this across, but being a newcomer here you may well feel attacked and defensive as a default position if you receive a triggering message. Some have not responded very well to you here, but by far most have only tried to help as best they can.
Autistics misunderstanding communications is almost mandatory, and here we all (both you and us) only have a smattering of words to go by, so misunderstandings are going to be expected here, don't assume the worst!
I don't think you've written an accurate assessment of what went down here and I think Rebecca has every right to put a boundary in, correct someone when they are way off base and are putting their own speculative assessment in, in an unhelpful way.Hi @Rebecca35, you may not see this, and that's very understandable as this is how humans are, we can only dealt with so much at one time, and are not well equipped to be objective as a rule...
But I think you're mirroring what you feel is coming at you from others, and are quite aggressively defensive although you've no need to be. I guess you'll likely think I'm attacking you, but that's not the case though I fully appreciate why it would seem to be. I may be wrong, but I think some others may have seen this too (whether rightly or wrongly) and have tried to put this across, but being a newcomer here you may well feel attacked and defensive as a default position if you receive a triggering message. Some have not responded very well to you here, but by far most have only tried to help as best they can.
Autistics misunderstanding communications is almost mandatory, and here we all (both you and us) only have a smattering of words to go by, so misunderstandings are going to be expected here, don't assume the worst!
You can't, reasonable expect someone who has just broken up or is in the process of, breaking up, not to be raw, feeling hurt, and unable to receive unhelpful and shaming or blaming feedback.
You've admitted yourself that you suspect that you'll be recieved in a way that could feel "attacky".
Why even write something as tactless as that if you are, as you say, "trying to help"? How is responding in this way helpful if it incurs a hurt response? Do you not think, perhaps, maybe, she might be hurting enough already?
And are you insensitive to post traumatic stress disorder? Because the OP shared some very trauma-filled experiences here and, rather than acknowledging, or adjusting how you respond with sensitivity, as a result of background and accurate information, in the face of the conjecture she was simply trying to correct, you write a, somewhat gaslighty post, in my humble opinion, I could be wrong, but you are assuming you have a better handle of reality than she does and yet your level of emotionally sensitivity is surely wanting, if you already suspect the post won't be received well and you still post it And that is both emotionally insensitive and downright hurtful.
Because you claim basically "you will probanly feel hurt by this post, but, you will be wrong to feel that way and respond in kind". Well it doesn't work that way. If you suspect someone will feel attacked by your words, you already know they are hurting because they've stated, very clearly and articulately, I might add, that they are hurting RATHER A LOT, and you think you can tell them they are wrong and that if they respond in a hurt way they are even more wrong; you have a lot to learn about humans, how to truly help them when they are hurting and that "being autistic" doesn't have a "get out of jail card". If you are saying hurtful things or things you know could be percieved in a way that is hurtful you should be told "that's insensitive" or "That's plain wrong, you got it wrong there buddy" and the person doesn't have to sound not hurt if what you've said is hurtful, or inaccurate AND hurtful.
Timing is everything, my friend. Now is not the time. It won't be recieved in a way that is helpful, as you already know when you decided to post it. That, I'm sorry to say, comes across a tad vindictively. When someone is down, you don't give them another psychological kick and tell them it's for their own good and that they are wrong to cry and tell you to stop kicking them, and get to feel righteous and not pulled up for being mean.
Last edited:
Well then I'm not sure you are making an accurate assessment of me, could you quote where I said she had no right to do that? Maybe you've misinterpreted my text, I could say if you don't explain though.
I don't, but I do know bad comms come out of anger and frustration and other negative emotions. I wasn't blaming at all and I said that clearly. Personally I think hiding things because you don't know how someone may take it is making just as much an assumption as otherwise. Is staying silent always and never asking questions or giving opinions is the best way forward if you are not 100% sure?
As I see it, if I'm wrong, and I didn't state I was right, just said what it seemed to me and even took great care to say I may well be wrong, there was plenty opportunity for @Rebecca35 to explain I'm wrong.
I said "I think...", but when it's come to criticise me, you said "You are...". So you're the judge who knows all?
But whatever, you're totally entitled to your opinion, though it seems a mite bit aggressive from this view point.
What I think may be a misinterpretation, you call abuse it seems?
I wouldn't ever make a post like that to a friend. If you feel so strong, please don't be so disingenuous as to then call me a friend. My friends correct me with a lack of aggression and judgement, and simply explain what I may have misunderstood.
You've made a lot of assumptions about me and didn't question what I may have meant at all. I wonder if you've made any misinterpretation? Nah, perish the thought, eh?
I've got absolutely nothing against you, only things you've suggested here, and for me to bother to correct you when I think you are way off base is my way of caring so you learn something in the way that you speak to hurting females. I would like to see you learn some male-female social skills, so while you interpret what I'm saying as "hostile", your black and white autistic brain is not seeing the bigger picture. I'm more about considering the OP's experience and feelings than any kind of "taking you down a peg or two". I haven't made any assumptions about you. I've never before found your posts particularly objectionable. I just reacted to the tone of this one that I found highly inappropriate.
I'm sorry you find my use of the term friend objectionable. I would never bother to correct someone I couldn't care less about, unless they were hurting someone vulnerable in front of me, but in this case, I've always respected and appreciated your input here, but this time, I think you got it wrong and like you, I'm an Aspie who will just say it straight.
I'm not angry. I don't dislike you. I feel quite dispassionate toward you, I just think you were defending the wrong person in this case. Or even if you felt justified in defending who you were defending, which is your right to do so, I also feel justified in defending the reaction of the OP. I didn't find her aggressive. I didn't think her response was unjustified. I thought it appropriate and I thought the poster who she was reacting to was way out of line and I told them so.
We both have a right to our opinion and to say it in no uncertain terms, and, as you and I are both autistic, and perhaps I've hurt your feelings with my post, not trying to, but just with our characteristic honestly and forthrightness, and while that may make me a tad hypocritical, I maintain my position.
I'll stand alongside the woman who has incurred insult and injury after insult and injury from insensitive, emotional-socially immature and downright cadish males.
Read into that what you will, but if woman cannot correct males when they lack courtesy and maturity then the world is in a very, very dangerous situation, in general. I am a mother of many sons, I love my sons. I have always had male friends and have worked alongside many men, autistic and otherwise, I am not "anti male" by any stretch of the imagination, and that also puts me in a good position to observe and critique as I see fit. In this case I did. I don't think it makes you a morally lackiing person, at all, I just think you reacted in a bit of a blindsighted manner and that was likely to be hurtful to the OP.
Last edited:
I may well have got it wrong, frankly your post was so hurtful I'm unable to respond to most of it currently.
It was very directed and aggressive, and gave me the feeling of being very bullied, not a nice feeling whether that was your intent or not.
I am autistic, this is a site for autistics! And you're not understanding, I believe, that you've made a major misinterpretation of what my intent was, however the message was read, or do you read such horrible behaviour as you've ascribed to me as being common in my posts? Is that what you think I am, or could you appreciate you misread what was in my mind? Yet you appear to be so certain you know what's in my head.
Could it be I'm not the only one who's made a mistaken communication here?
Do you really prefer to hurt someone who's mistaken rather than gently educate (which is how you get a message across, not by verbal aggression, at least as I see it).
I'm sorry you feel so antagonistic toward me over what I presume is one post, but if I'm not allowed to post for fear of making a mistake, would you explain how I or anyone in that situation learns from their mistakes, and could you provide a list of topics I should already automatically know I'm not allowed to respond to?
(Yes, I'm being a little sarcastic, but the point remains, how do I learn if not from example and experience? Are you saying I must always know I'm 100% right before posting? Because if you're unwilling to educate instead of attack, how do I improve? And what part are you playing in the outcome by choosing that action deliberately? Not prepared to answer my questions.
Calling me a friend in the context of your post was what I found so hurtful and not genuine messaging on your part - maybe it was, but it sure didn't read like that to me, instead it read as excusing your message by claiming you did it as a friend. I've never had or made a friend who'd attack me without merit, just to get their aggression out as the main reason, because a message like that never makes a situation better - or can you say different?
I said "aggressive", you're changing what I've written to fit your narrative - you don't need to do that, you can make your point much better using my words and explaining how they came across to you. Anything else is not especially helpful in the situation beyond for your benefit, it's just you being angry at me. You've still not even asked me a single question about what I meant to say in what I wrote - you've taken your own interpretation as 100% fact and decided that it can't be wrong in any way whatsoever (maybe it is, maybe it isn't, neither of us know for sure).
Can you really justify that? How? How do you know all this for a fact? You may be right but there's always room for doubt in nearly everything. You're unwilling to question any points I asked about in my last reply. At least I openly provided the knowledge in my OP that I wasn't sure and I was speaking only from my personal impression, yet even when I highlighted that instead of telling me why that came across wrongly, you're only telling me that I am an abusive bully in essence, and yet won't explain using the only facts available - the words I wrote. An attack that won't answer responses to it and won't explain itself, is a very aggressive act. If you don't think so, again, tell me why it's acceptable and constructive.
[Quote - Boogs] "Well then I'm not sure you are making an accurate assessment of me, could you quote where I said she had no right to do that? Maybe you've misinterpreted my text, I could[n't](<- edit) say if you don't explain though."
I note for instance, you've ignored my very first question in response to you, would you please answer that so I can understand what you actually mean, I didn't ask you to for a trivial reason but because I wanted to know if you were right or you'd misinterpreted my words and I needed a better way to write my thoughts.
Because I can't see where I've done what you've accused me of there, and without your doing that you're just shouting at me, metaphorically speaking. Please explain in this way because anything else is meaningless anger and aggression from my perspective and that never leads to better results, only proper education makes humans better imho, and you can't educate (me at least) with anger, and expect a progressive and beneficial result. Thank you.
I may have inadvertently triggered you, I may also have done so to @Rebecca35 (and I hope she'll tell me, as my message was to her, and at least I'll hopefully learn something from that), and that is never my intention. But in your turn you've done that to me, I regret anything I've done that may hurt you, Rebecca, or anyone else, and would hope for an explanation not (or as well as) an attack, but your reply was just the same as countless others down the years that have only ostracised and hurt. I'm disappointed you feel I'm so horrible I don't deserve the compassion of an objective explanation, but them's the breaks and hardly an unfamiliar occurrence, just not here up to now, most people have been extremely understanding and compassionate toward my mistakes which I've readily admitted I suffer from in other threads.
I'm sorry you found my responses so hurtful. That is not my intention, just as your's was not intending to be hurtful and just as the previous poster who said hurtful things to the OP, was no doubt not trying to be hurtful. They, clearly were hurtful but maybe very unaware that they were giving hurtful and unhelpful and way off the mark feedback. They made assumptions that were wrong and were victim shaming and blaming.
I objected to you telling the OP that she came across aggressively. I think that very unfair and inaccurate. She was being accused of things that there were no evidence of and she defended herself.
Then you weighed in and told her she came across aggressively. She did not, in my opinion. Yes, she was defensive and why wouldn't she be with what was being leveled at her?
She explained some of the terrible trauma at the hands of sexually abusive men, including the man she was seeking support here about. And she had the two of you accusing her, as if she was wrong to defend herself and correct what was off base and injurious.
Very uncool and not at all on, in my opinion. I found the way you tried to justify and excuse the poster that she was defending herself from, unacceptable.
I'm autistic. I also get clunky in the way I handle things.. Like you, I say things bluntly. I don't know the social etiquette rule book that, allegedly NT's are privvy to.
You also didn't answer my questions. Maybe if you attempt to answer mine I'll attempt to answer yours.
I'm not attributing deliberate ill intent to you, and I've tried to be very clear and explicit as to why defending the poster you were defending, was objectionable to me.
You were telling her basically to suck it up, when Autistic people here get things wrong (as I'm defining it) that she was wrong to be upset and to defend herself. That's not ok with me.
That because she is new here she should behave in a way that you and other autistic people here, are comfortable with. She was treated VERY RUDELY AND OBJECTIONABLY by the poster you quoted her responding to. As if she were wrong to do so. I couldn't stand by and see you treat her like that without coming to her defense, but you seem to see that as an attack on you.
Are you not understanding the level of stress and trauma that the OP has been through and is dealing with?
It seems you are oblivious to it and are trying to make it about your's and other poster's feeling's.
And I request, please stop. Just as she requested. It's a boundary, not an "attack". You are weighing in in something, I assess you to be ill equipped to defend and I've tried to explain how that is hurtful, even if you don't mean to be.
Do you have experience counselling rape victims? Or people who are escaping domestic violence and domestic abuse? People with ptsd?
Because I'll tell you straight, the poster she reacted to and that you objected to the way she responded to WAS WAY OUT OF LINE.
I'm not trying to "shout at you", I'm just trying to be very explicit.
I've no intent to hurt you. I'm trying to educate you though. Victim shaming is never ok and defending victim shaming isn't either.
I interpreted that while you said "aggressive" you meant "hostile".
To aggress is to transgress over someone's boundaries. I was defending. Not aggressing. The OP (who I doubt will return, I think she felt too hurt by the feedback she received from 1ForAll) was also defending not aggressing.
If I had just had a go at you, out of the blue, that would be aggressive. I would've started it. But, instead I responded to claims that I believed unfair and inaccurate~ defence.
You accused the OP of aggression after she defended herself from attacks, highly insensitive and self righteous attacks on someone very vulnerable, someone who shared her vulnerability. And then, you told her that she was perceiving aggression where there was none and responding in kind, that she was responding to aggression that wasn't there. I call that gaslighting, because SHE WAS treated AGGRESSIVELY by 1ForAll, who stood by their posts, even when corrected and informed that they were being hurtful, so hurtful that she begged them TO STOP; That is a BOUNDARY, not an attack, not an aggress.
If you think a hurting woman begging someone to stop is aggressive, that deeply concerns me.
That gives me the impression that you are not a safe person for women to be around. You will accuse them of attacking when they are defending from an attack and trying to put in a protective boundary.
I'm not trying to hurt you. Please stop playing the victim when you are simply being corrected about a very serious matter. Victim shaming is a very serious matter.
Accusing a hurt woman BEGGING someone hurting her, TO STOP, of being aggressive, is so wrong I barely know how to explain how wrong it is.
Last edited:
He does have the facts, though. You thoroughly explained your situation. And @1ForAll took the facts and tried to gaslight you into feeling guilty about exiting a completely toxic relationship. I’m glad you dumped your boyfriend. Don’t look back! Good luck to you. There are a lot of really great men out there, and I’m sure you’ll meet one soon!
Yes you did. My advice to you: get off of the Internet for a while. Stop reading the incel websites that tell you you’re ugly and undesirable. Ixnay the video games. Instead, read a damn book. Try Steinbeck or William S. Burroughs or Lord Byron, Toni Morrison, Milton, Joyce, &c. Watch a black and white movie;—Orson Welles, Masaki Kobayashi, Buster Keaton, Bergman, &c. &c. &c. Do something,—anything,—off of the Internet that makes you think and feel. (And that requires more than 20 brain cells.)
Last edited:
Zain
Active Member
Why those authors?
Well, I can't win with someone who's is so close minded to having misinterpreted my intent, unl;ess of course intent isn't important. But I notice you refuse to answer my question about you first accusation.
If you refuse to explain yourself then I can understand wghat you mean and how I went wrong.
If you think I would deliberately hurt someone, then that deeply concerns me - polease explain using my words, or if you can't then I'll assume this is just you intense dislike of me, and an opportunity to attack and hurt me.
I was not talking about her at all, and never said anything about her being aggressive - are you actually reading my posts or just getting so angry with me as a person you can't see what I'm writing?
Let's face it, you won't answer any question I've asked of you, just attacking. Yet accusing me of attacking and won't actually help the situation, you clearly only want to make it worse from my view.
If you think that makes for a better world, I'm afraid it doesn't.
All you do is trigger and hurt when I ask for your help explaining. That's nice!
But if I'm such a horrible person in myself without deserving of listening too, then how are your attacks helping anything, or is to help you?
I'm sure my words will only show you you're right about your judgement, so what's the point of this if you won't engage? Just so you can hurt someone?
Clearly you want nothing but to hurt, please at least be honest.
Last edited:
We seem to be having a typical autistic miscommunication. I don't think you've been fair, You don't think I have.
I apologize for the poor communication. My life is deeply stressful at the moment and I have inadvervently leaked some of that out on you. I forgive you of thinking the worst of me and I hope you can forgive me. I don't think you intend any maliciousness, just unconcious of the implications of your attitudes and I gather, from your response, that I am, also, communicating in a way, not clear, not well, not understandable and my intent is not clear. I think you lack context and I think you neglected to answer my questions also, so yeah. I'm not going to play 'gotcha' games with you. I'm in burn out. I've got a house to pack up, a funeral to attend, I'm back in a house and area that I've had a lot of hardship and struggle and tomorrow I'm having to apply to a tribunal on a stay on a 'vacate immediately' to pack up and get my belongings interstate and hopefully, my best friend and long time lover doesn't have any more heart trouble while we pack a house up and get down to his mum's funeral as he had a heart scare a few days ago. We have 3 states to travel and organise things in in the next week or so, so no, not gojng to play 'gotcha' question games. I'm not going to demand you answer mine either. They were rather pointed and I understand why you ignored them. I'm sorry if what I said came across shamingly. I felt defensive on the OP's behalf and it came out too forcefully. I see that now and I apologise.
Last edited:
Any authors. Just read something, anything, that stimulates and opens your mind. The writers I mentioned are just personal favorites, but I recommend that you read something that was written for adults, not children or young adults. Or take a class about film or art, do anything that stimulates your creativity. You’ve just got to get away from these people who are telling you you’re ugly and women don’t want you. That’s so crazy to me, I can’t even tell you.
Edit:
Also I don’t think you’d even be on this forum if you weren’t looking for something outside of what you’re used to. Think about that.
Another suggestion I have is: do you read through the other threads here? I’m sure your opinion and advice would be helpful;— you’ve lived in the world. It’s good to get out of your own head and go into others’.
Last edited:
Zain
Active Member
I'm reading Schopenhauer's councils and maxims and ASOIAF. I'm learning a couple of new things now that I have my own money to pay for classes and equipment.
I agree, and I've been spending a lot less time on those things. Yet they are the only group I can relate to when it comes to dating and relationships with the opposite sex. I can relate to one character from ASOIAF for the same thing.
I came here looking for people like myself.
I do try and give advice to people that I feel are like me and struggle with the same things I am going through or have gone through. One of those is Tony. I rarely give advice though. I feel it is a waste of time since people want to feel they have come to a decision on their own.
New Threads
-
-
It is weird that I don't like it when people call me "young"?
- Started by Amethystgirl
- Replies: 6
-
Ups and downs in energy, brain capacity and creativity- Started by AuroraBorealis
- Replies: 5
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
