Boyfriend with aspergers, cheating, keeping secrets and different needs

[Joel's Hear]

Thank you as well for your kind words, no name. To answer your questions, I feel good about my life and marriage with my wife now. We have disagreements, of course, but I have found the first mate of my ship, the queen of my home (sorry to sound corny). And no, I do not regret it one second. It's impossible to say how our life will pan out in the end, we want to do many things together, with our kids, and we want to impact the world in a positive way. Also, I actually do know how you feel about intimate relations while he's stuck in his head thinking of his own superiority, using you as a base of operations while he seeks other conquests. I too agree that his old girlfriend might have cast a serious spell on him, promising things she can't ever deliver.

Have a good day!

 

[Ragnahawk]

So what I gathered the problems are that he was cheating and has a problem with drugs.
You have a problem of going off on him over stupid questions.

So here's what I think. He has a problem with drugs and it could be linked to anxiety. He may be seeking all of these things as a way to deal with the anxiety. If he does marijauna I feel that it should be legal and to me that eliminates the "drug" problem. (There are report of it helping people with ASD in the past) If he is dealing with anxiety tell him to see about getting something for it.

Cheating is an open topic best answered by yourself on what you permit. You may even need to ask him for the answer your seeking. As for you take this as constructive it maybe best to answer all of his dumb questions as you explained that was the reason he felt was ruining the relationship. Which is what a relationship is - two things working together.

 

[Ragnahawk]

Thank you as well for your kind words, no name. To answer your questions, I feel good about my life and marriage with my wife now. We have disagreements, of course, but I have found the first mate of my ship, the queen of my home (sorry to sound corny). And no, I do not regret it one second. It's impossible to say how our life will pan out in the end, we want to do many things together, with our kids, and we want to impact the world in a positive way. Also, I actually do know how you feel about intimate relations while he's stuck in his head thinking of his own superiority, using you as a base of operations while he seeks other conquests. I too agree that his old girlfriend might have cast a serious spell on him, promising things she can't ever deliver.

Have a good day!

Let me know if you want my help on that.

 

[No Name]

So what I gathered the problems are that he was cheating and has a problem with drugs.
You have a problem of going off on him over stupid questions.

So here's what I think. He has a problem with drugs and it could be linked to anxiety. He may be seeking all of these things as a way to deal with the anxiety. If he does marijauna I feel that it should be legal and to me that eliminates the "drug" problem. (There are report of it helping people with ASD in the past) If he is dealing with anxiety tell him to see about getting something for it.

Cheating is an open topic best answered by yourself on what you permit. You may even need to ask him for the answer your seeking. As for you take this as constructive it maybe best to answer all of his dumb questions as you explained that was the reason he felt was ruining the relationship. Which is what a relationship is - two things working together.

Trust me, he doesn't deal with anxiety, I do and that's not anxiety. He feels things that he would never feel in his daily life when he's on drugs, or that's what he told me

 

[Ragnahawk]

Trust me, he doesn't deal with anxiety, I do and that's not anxiety. He feels things that he would never feel in his daily life when he's on drugs, or that's what he told me

Could it be that it helps him socialize?

 

[No Name]

I don't know, he does it alone, not with people

 

[Joel's Hear]

Let me know if you want my help on that.

I will. We're in Mexico now. You're in the Army, right? When I was a teen, I wanted to join the Navy, after reading the Hunt for Red October But I guess my general anxiety and other symptoms would never had allowed for that.

 

[Rayner]

I would personally break up with him. He may or may not have autism I don't know. I can tell you even if he does, autism is not the reason for his behavior.

I'm not trying to be rude or sound harsh, but it's clear that this relationship is or has the potential to be toxic to you.

 

[Joel's Hear]

Being Aspie really isn't an excuse to be an asshole. If you're unhappy, and don't feel good relationship, I would leave. There are other people out there that will treat you better. Hell, they may even be Aspie! I have a crush on a guy right now whose on the spectrum. He would never do any of this stuff.

And I am going to disagree with Joel's Hear. You shouldn't have sex with someone unless you really want to. That's considered assault on his part. :/ Sex should be 110% consensual.

You're jumping to a lot of conclusions if you think I said he should assault her Also, and everybody on this thread can tell the guys acting like a jerk, but maybe he's just acting? You can't forget he's autistic (for clarity, not saying that's an excuse), and from my experience, lots of autistic guys get sympathy dates from NT gals trying to look like good people. Guys in this world are so rarely loved, they just want to know that someone cares.

 

[Lia]

Joel's Hear, you said "On some level, you are going to have to reciprocate his needs if you love him" and that's not okay.

 

[MonolithImmortal]

Girl, walk. This guy is an asshole and this relationship will turn abusive at some point, if it's not already. I know it's scary now, but it will never be less scary to walk than now.

Tell him to **** off. And then when he gets there, he can **** off from there too.

 

[Ragnahawk]

Joel's Hear, you said "On some level, you are going to have to reciprocate his needs if you love him" and that's not okay.

Reciprocate means do something in response. So we could be misunderstanding. Regardless he isn't saying that she has to do him favors but I will argue that imprinting can heavily affect relationships. (Trying to avoid this subject while still providing an answer). If she doesn't want to consent to that, it leaves her no reason to tie him down cheating wise. It could be argued that nature took its course.

 

[Ragnahawk]

I am not taking sides just throwing out food for thought. This is a heads up.

 

[Ragnahawk]

Girl, walk. This guy is an asshole and this relationship will turn abusive at some point, if it's not already. I know it's scary now, but it will never be less scary to walk than now.

Tell him to **** off. And then when he gets there, he can **** off from there too.

That is a little spiteful? You are only seeing a glimpse of what is going on.

 

[No Name]

Girl, walk. This guy is an asshole and this relationship will turn abusive at some point, if it's not already. I know it's scary now, but it will never be less scary to walk than now.

Tell him to **** off. And then when he gets there, he can **** off from there too.

Reciprocate means do something in response. So we could be misunderstanding. Regardless he isn't saying that she has to do him favors but I will argue that imprinting can heavily affect relationships. (Trying to avoid this subject while still providing an answer). If she doesn't want to consent to that, it leaves her no reason to tie him down cheating wise. It could be argued that nature took its course.

That's honestly not a good enough reason, break up with someone before doing damage like that, cause it honestly hurts them less that knowing they've been cheated on..

 

[Joel's Hear]

Joel's Hear, you said "On some level, you are going to have to reciprocate his needs if you love him" and that's not okay.

Lia, there was no offense meant to you or anyone on this site. The OP (original poster) had created the thread looking for advice to a problem she has. Her boyfriend is autistic/aspie, and is acting like a jerk, leading her on while looking for other people to "bang".

The common consensus was to immediately discard the guy because of his actions. But the OP had reason to believe he could/would change, that he had been misled into becoming creepy by a past girlfriend (see original post) who cared nothing for him. Apparently, there had been honest love for a while between the OP and her aspie boyfriend.

I offered my advice detailing the early courtship between me and my wife, now successfully married for eight years. When we first met, my then girlfriend had been quite flirtatious with other males, refusing intimate relations with me while suggesting it to others, and I cheated on her (once) in response. At any time I would have been warranted to break up with her, or vice versa.

But we didn't leave each other. We solidified our friendship through dialogue and eventually got married. We now have three kids.

No name's post rang a bell with me, reminding me of our situation when we were younger. My life has been exponentially better because of my wife, and our children, and I did not think it fair not to share.

Again no offense intended
Best wishes to all

"There is a rainbow at the end of this sea of strife,
Which only we can see, being flowers of purple color"

My daughter is an autie, my son NT.

 

[Lia]

I understand you could relate to the post, but that does not make it okay to tell a teenage girl she needs to have sex with her boyfriend if she loves him. I may have misunderstood, but the way you phrased it made it seem like that was what you were saying.

 

[Ragnahawk]

I understand you could relate to the post, but that does not make it okay to tell a teenage girl she needs to have sex with her boyfriend if she loves him. I may have misunderstood, but the way you phrased it made it seem like that was what you were saying.

19.

 

[Ragnahawk]

People should stop raiding posts for help to force their opinions. Just provide help and information. If neither of those than a show of concern or care.

 

[kay]

Doesn't sound like an aspie/nt problem. Just sounds like typical problems between two young people who are not quite compatible and who just won't give up when they might both be quite a bit happier long term if they did. Sorry, but that's my assessment.