Boyfriend with aspergers, cheating, keeping secrets and different needs

[OkRad]

I don't agree with your line of thinking. Your making too many judgements without properly assessing the situation. You may be unconsciously biased based of your own previous decision making.

If you want to start helping people start by eliminating yourself from the other person's problem. To find the truth you must first assume both sides are true. In this case you must see that the aspie could be right as well.

For me I am neither on one side or the other, I merely want to help both sides.

that is why i hate when people come in here and tell us about their aspie troubles. But feel free. I am not going to respond anymore. That will solve my annoyance.

 

[megacomic]

Being an aspie and being a jerk are two different things one isnt correlated to the other. So I dont feel I can help you.

 

[BradT]

So my boyfriend and I just discovered that he has apergers.. I'm 19 and he's 22.
It all makes sense, cause he's always been kind of different and been a bit hard to figure out.
We met each other last January and started dating in April.. He was my first and I must admit that I'm not a very sexual active person, my drive is pretty low where as his sexual drive is all up in the sky, so we've always had a problem with that. Everything seemed amazing at first, but at the start of June everything kind of started to turn the other way, he became more distant and cold towards me.. btw I'm a really emotional person. He became more and more distant towards me and our friends and became a bit addicted to drugs. Since he was being an asshole towards me, I started to loose more and more interest in having sexual intercourse with him, which frustrated him even more.. I even started thinking that he cheated on me.
Later on, we started doing "couple therapy" with drugs and everything started to turn out better.
We've always had different opinions and often misunderstand each other, which can lead to a lot of arguments.
Here in January, just a little while after being home from California (where I was away for two weeks), he said that he really hated how our relationship has turned out and that we either try to fix things or break up. To me, this came like a total shock, since I thought everything was going so well. We talked a bit about it and he told me what the problems were "we don't agree enough" "We argue too much" and that was also the day he told me he has aspergers.
We started researching more about it and everything made sense. He didn't ask "stupid" questions in arguments to be sassy, he honestly didn't understand, which made me feel really bad that I've gotten so angry at him when he asked weird questions in our arguments.

After that I started to be more careful and I know that he's had a really bad time here lately, so I've so hard to be there for him and fix things, but it was almost like he didn't want cooperate. He started saying nasty things to me and tried to make me seem like a bad person.
So I brought our problems up again, cause I really didn't believe that he could see this working out.

A little background story on his past relationship (really important for the next part) ;
So he had a girlfriend of two years before me. She was a total borderline.
She started drama all the time, threaten to cut herself in front of him, used his money, cheated on him and even faked that somebody raped her, but she could give him one thing I couldn't, sex. That's why he stayed with her for so long, cause to was just the wildest sex fantasy.

As we were talking, I asked him the question I've always wanted answers to; "Did you ever cheat on me? I want you to be 100% honest, cause I already know the answer" and he just stayed quiet. I told him that I knew he's been cheating on me with his ex, I don't know how, I just knew.. and he admitted that he did and some other random girl.. so twice.
He told me, that he didn't think of it as a big deal, but it's a big deal to me. He's done so many things like this, like chatting on skype with girls from tinder, kissed with another girl in a toilet when I was right next door and so on. It's the same excuse "I don't see it as a big deal" where as if I did stuff like that, he would dump me. I honestly think it's because I'm giving him and any sex, but how could I? I can't myself sexually attractive to someone who treats me like that. I also think that he's addicted to drama, since he had a girlfriend like that and he always wants to start arguments with me... I might be too boring for him...
We've decided now to take a weeks break, with no communication, and think about was we can do to make this better. He really wants to fix this himself, cause I've given him so many opportunities to break up with me.

What should I do?

Thank you..
No Name

Let me ask you this, do you actually love him or is it pity? because that's the last thing we need and him included.

 

[OlLiE]

a relationship is supposed to be a synergy that makes you stronger, not weaker
if you are dating someone on the spectrum, you have to accept that it will take extra effort because you find it worth it,

however, being on the spectrum is never an excuse to be disrespectful of your partner
these issues are not exclusively 'aspie' issues, there are bad people are everywhere, so please do not assume the two elements are automatically linked, if he cannot or will not understand that he is hurting you, then you should leave him, irrespective of his condition

the more unpleasant discussion above i think was related to the following:
- many amongst us are loyal, stable and reliable, attentive, helpful (albeit more from a sense of responsibility and caring rather than overwhelming irrational love), on the flip side we are more difficult to understand, more demanding, less emotionally accessible and harder to show off to friends,

we often attract people that are searching for that stability and reliability, someone who is calm and can rationally deal with problems, these people that love it in the beginning then start to reject us because of the area's we are weaker in as the relationship progresses, it will be much easier for the average NT to move on than for the average aspie to move on - so some of us have little sympathy for NT's complaining about relationships with aspies, we are people that have often been rejected by family, friends, partners, work, we are people that often struggle to have those things that most people come by more easily

- without wanting to be rude, as i understand it, this forum is primarily to support people on the spectrum to deal with their problems in life, believe me there are not that many places where we can without being attacked or insulted,

while i understand that you wanted to consult 'experts', it does get a bit tedious when we see these same posts over and over again, i don't want to trivialise your situation, but it's not that unique and most of us have read a multitude of the posts and always have responded in the same helpful way, but it does get a bit tiresome after a while

as an NT, i would hope that you understand that implying that our condition is linked to being a bad person could be mildly insulting, it would be like a guy in a bad relationship with a feminist, posting a question on a feminist forum asking them why feminists are such horrible life partners

by the way, i googled 'understanding your aspie partner' and got a page full of links

all the best and good luck

 

[Mr Allen]

Might sound harsh, but if there's trust issues in the relationship, early on, you might be best to bin him off before things get too serious.

 

[pax]

FOR GOODNESS SAKE, I am getting sick of these posts. I am sorry. Delete this if it is not appropriate. Every single day NTs come on and their ASpies are killing them and YET THEY WANT THEM BACK.

Utter insanity.

If you are being treated badly LEAVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Aspie relationships can be very difficult. We are good people but NTs and Aspies just don't work more than they do.

What I do NOT udnerstand is why NTs are like GLUE on Aspies.

What do we do that you think we are your only hope for love?

I get it. I was messed by NTs and Aspies and yes, I stayed so I get it, but i was in desperate straights. If you are not starving in the streets and need a shower once a month to fend off TB, WHY WOULD YOU STAY WITH A PERSON THAT IS NOT GOOD FOR YOU??

this alone makes me want to leave this site. Every freakin day!!!

I was thinking something similar. It's like every introduction post lately is some NT going on about their supposedly aspie partner. It's not an NT/aspie issue. It's a relationship issue. Ring a counsellor or something. or something.

 

[CyborgSpaceKitten]

DUMP. HIM. Period.

 

[WeirdoGuy]

If you don't want to end the relationship, you need to describe these situations in reverse. You as the one cheating and saying that it isn't a big deal. Ask him how that would feel. He needs to know that if he wants to be in a relationship with you, cheating is a VERY BIG DEAL. My wife has had to use this exercise with me for other situations, because we have a hard time seeing things from someone else's perspective. You need to actually lay out for him in a hypothetical situation where he is on the receiving end. With him excusing himself and continuing with his behavior, the relationship cannot last.

 

[No Name]

If you don't want to end the relationship, you need to describe these situations in reverse. You as the one cheating and saying that it isn't a big deal. Ask him how that would feel. He needs to know that if he wants to be in a relationship with you, cheating is a VERY BIG DEAL. My wife has had to use this exercise with me for other situations, because we have a hard time seeing things from someone else's perspective. You need to actually lay out for him in a hypothetical situation where he is on the receiving end. With him excusing himself and continuing with his behavior, the relationship cannot last.

Yeah, I know. He's ex did the exact same thing to him as he did to me.. so I did use that example, it didn't see to work.
But it's fine, we're done now and he's the sorry one now.