Brilliant Aspie son won't do simple homework

[OddlyGodly]

My son is absolutely brilliant. His social skills are better than most other aspies. He is teachable and has real life friends.
He is 15, scored top 1% on the PSAT. 2 years ahead in school.

He did very well until 9th grade then fell apart because depression hit.
We don't show any disappointment or anger with him. We fully support him with love.

We now have him in private school after the 9th grade debacle, individual therapy, group therapy. It is killing us financially.

In school he refuses to do homework, and in half his classes e refuses to do the classwork. Even the simplest thing.
Example. He is excelling in Spanish just on his memory passing the test with 92% but hasn't done any work killing his grade.
All the teachers are bending over backwards for him.

He has a simple crossword puzzle to do for Spanish. I tried everything and finally I said I will do it for you, Just read the question so I know you know the words and I will fill in the answer. If you don't know the words we will use Google translate to get the answers. It is about practice and memory. It is required for college. Work smart not hard I tell him. I can do it in 5 minutes.

.......NO! I don't want to do it.
me - Why? I am doing it for you?
him - Stop asking me (hands over the ears) shutdown mode.

Frankly the work in these advanced classes is easy compared to what I had to do and I wasnt in advanced classes. No brainer with today's technology available.

My wife and I are almost at the point of giving up. Just letting him do the classes he wants so he gets the social practice and telling him to take the GED whenever. But he doesn't want that. He wants to take the full load and graduate then go to college. But this logic isn't getting through... He has to do the work to pass. Confronting him with the reality of the situation leads to a shutdown and pressed eventually a screaming meltdown.

We are at wits end. I am so incredibly angry at this illogical situation but I don't show it to him or my wife. Please advise as we are out of ideas.

As an aspie who had this same problem I would say the last thing you should do is do the work for him. This approach is the reason I can't write in cursive (thank God that doesn't matter anymore) and it did more harm than good.

In kindergarten I read at an 8th grade level and I learned things very quickly. I loved to learn new things and I still do. The problem was that the homework was boring and inconvenient. Eventually the school, at their wit's end, gave me a "tutor" aka someone that did all of my work for me. I gave up on trying to do the work because I didn't have to.

I didn't know people were as upset as they were. I simply thought I was in trouble before, then I wasn't. Good for me. I could focus on other things and get on with my life. But I was suffering in ways I never could've foreseen.

I am in college finally in my 30s and the homework I do now is extremely exciting and engaging so I'm a straight A student but I had to change majors twice. I still have this struggle in my life.

I don't have neat solutions but I will say that I crave routine and I have certain interests that I spend exorbitant amounts of time and resources on. These things finally tie into my school work and I've even found new interests.

Basically, short answer, don't give up on him! Find an approach that works best for him. That may not look the same as it does for someone else. Keep trying ways to make it appealing rather than stressing its importance. Importance is relative in aspie land especially in the younger years. I know it's stressful and time consuming but it will help all of you in the long run.

 

[stevens]

Many years ago, this problem hit me--but later, in college.

School was everything to me. I did very well. It was my source of reinforcement. That is, until adolescence was in full swing. It should be raging, in ninth grade. People figured out I liked school, and I started getting punished for it. So here we have adults, who want you to do that homework--but your peers are absolutely killing you for it, ostracizing you, torturing you with endless bullying. Anything you're proud of, they turn right around and use it against you.

So think about it. It's not illogical that he's asking you that it's adults who want him to do this work, and cause him even more social problems. Depression? Seems like almost the guaranteed result, making it worse. From his point of view, it's quite logical to have this reaction. The harder he works, the worse it gets.

 

[The Lorax]

So everyone knows...... I was a fearful only child. My father was emotionally unpredictable. So I know that end of the stick. I do not yell at him, corner him, or lecture him. I approach anything very strategically. I take a good deal of time to think about how to approach him on any subject as does my wife. She is like him so I have her perspective on him but his disability is more impairing then hers. I have learned quite well how to not show my anger which is rare. Lack of logic really pisses me off. My wife is a successful person completing high school and college with 2 masters degrees. She was top 10% in her graduating class.

And yes I understand he is 15 and an idiot at this age. I was 15 once and an idiot. I barely passed high school with a 2.2. GPA putting in minimal effort. I am floored at how stupid I was back then. I am quite self aware of my younger self.

This is how I am with him.

An example is this weekend was sick. Still is with an ear infection but getting better. He came out and I told him that I would pay him to finish some of his work for school he missed. He can pick which ever he wants or just do the easy ones. He didn't.

Later he came out for food and I just reminded him of my offer nicely.

In today's school he can't just take the test. He still fails the class no matter how well he does. He needs to do SOME WORK. He isn't. Weeks of nothing being turned in for Spanish for example. And it is getting worse. Now it is also biology.

 

[The Lorax]

BTW I read every reply and really appreciate it. This forum keeps my sanity. In return I answer questions about NT behavior. Some of the stories here I really feel for you all. I went through some of this but not at your levels.

The school is a special school that teaches at his level. They don't say they are a special school but they are. They cater to any student but at least half they go here are on the spectrum, were bullied, are different NTs and bullied, have some learning problems, or just can't function in normal high school. They adjust to his needs. But he isn't doing the minimum in half his classes.

He was never bullied growing up. In elementary school he had some issues with this one neighborhood kid. The kid was short, below average intelligence and dominated play in the neighborhood. His social skills were quite formidable. At school there were some issues between him and my son. The principle had a PhD and had taught kids like my son before. I quickly realized, she still didn't get it. She would punish him for being autistic when an altercation happened at school. He did have friends though. So I had to manipulate the situation to get what I wanted. Just because you have a PhD doesn't mean you are a critical thinker I learned. But that is the extend of it.

We moved and he went to a gifted public elementary school where everyone loved him. In middle school he made great friends. In high school it was too much. 3,000 kids, 30+ per classroom.

And yea I saw the video above. And yes he HAS to learn 2 years of a language to get a college degree. Spanish was the easiest and most practical. I don't agree with it. This is the USA not Spain. We speak English here.

We are trying one more thing. If that doesn't work I will just have him take the classes he likes and he can take the GED next year. But he wants to do the full course load and pass with a regular degree. Which is frustrating.
His issues are severe anxiety and depression. His lack of logic in this matter is infuriating. The SSRI worked for a while now they are not. He is on Risperidone to control his anger that he takes out as screaming and destroying things in the home.

We can't have that because my brilliant Aspie wife is the main money earner. She has depression. His behavior makes it worse to the point she will quit her job and sit in a dark room all day. If that happens we will lose everything. She has meds, he has meds, he has school, he has therapy. It adds up.

So I quit my job and take care of him, her, and everything else. I do have a small business to make money. But it is about 40% of what she makes and not enough to come close to covering all their needs.

Anyways I am off track here. He cant express his feelings well at 15. I couldn't either.

To answer above on asking him why he gives me the same answer for everything "I don't know". If I tell him "that's ok you don't know the answer right now. I will wait so think about it" the situation just escalates and he shuts down.

 

[Rodafina]

Risperidone

I was not 15 when I was taking this, but it did really mess up my mind. I know it can probably help some, but it made me think and act in very odd ways… Total lack of motivation, confusion, and a general feeling of uselessness. It was dramatic. I am actually afraid of that drug for myself.

I know that’s not a helpful thing to hear – as the medication is serving some other purpose, but the worst months of my life, I was taking risperidone.

Another thought that came to mind that I don’t think has been discussed at length here is your own self-care. You are doing a lot here and it is evident that you care a lot about both your son and your wife and your family’s well-being. This intense anger and irate response to a lack of logic is a difficult thing to keep away from your family. I believe that you protect them from it as you say, but it must take its toll somewhere, and maybe a little bit more focus on yourself and finding relaxing moments could be helpful here.

All attention seems to be going toward your son, as it is deserved and needed, but it’s like the airplane mask scenario where your oxygen has to be flowing and bringing life to you so that you can continue to care for your family.

Thanks for taking the time to note that you read an appreciate everyone’s input. I find that very meaningful to hear.

 

[Yeshuasdaughter]

Fifteen is a crap year for parenting, and for being a kid. It's the worst one. Maybe consider homeschooling? When my daughter was fifteen, a female counsellor would pick her up in her car and drive her to the mall for coffee and chats. It was a neat program, through the catholics. It helped her so much. She'd come home happy, like she had a friend to talk to, and take her out. It was a great wraparound service.

 

[Shevek]

OK, backing up one space, why do you think he needs a degree? Many successful people just follow their ambition. The courses offered to me were more than half obsolete, and these days, the expense is ruinous. The paper I got was from winning the major competition in my field, with very little help. What I wish I'd learned in school was just enough of whatever it takes to find an excellent business partner who could let me focus on what I do best.

 

[The Lorax]

I was not 15 when I was taking this, but it did really mess up my mind. I know it can probably help some, but it made me think and act in very odd ways… Total lack of motivation, confusion, and a general feeling of uselessness. It was dramatic. I am actually afraid of that drug for myself.

I know that’s not a helpful thing to hear – as the medication is serving some other purpose, but the worst months of my life, I was taking risperidone.

Another thought that came to mind that I don’t think has been discussed at length here is your own self-care. You are doing a lot here and it is evident that you care a lot about both your son and your wife and your family’s well-being. This intense anger and irate response to a lack of logic is a difficult thing to keep away from your family. I believe that you protect them from it as you say, but it must take its toll somewhere, and maybe a little bit more focus on yourself and finding relaxing moments could be helpful here.

All attention seems to be going toward your son, as it is deserved and needed, but it’s like the airplane mask scenario where your oxygen has to be flowing and bringing life to you so that you can continue to care for your family.

Thanks for taking the time to note that you read an appreciate everyone’s input. I find that very meaningful to hear.

This is how I see things. I live in the USA. We live in a nice condo. We have a nice view of a lake and greenery. We are both software developers and have been smart with money. I have good health and my son loves me. He has even said that he is glad he has a father that has lots of wisdom. What 15 year old says that? I do what I want. I can deal with anything that has a solution or that doesn't involve violence.

When he was screaming and smashing things every other night it took a huge mental toll on both of us. Without the medication he falls into a deep depression. Before the SSRIs he was going this route with hard core OCD. He was on no medication. It is common for boys to develop depression at 15 and girls at 25. He got it at 14.

 

[The Lorax]

Hell no home schooling. My head would explode. He needs the social interaction with his real life friends.

And yes 15 sucks. I remember being sad thinking I would never have a girlfriend at 15. Well... I had plenty of them when I was 18 and beyond.

 

[Rodafina]

I can deal with anything that has a solution or that doesn't involve violence.

What if the solution is elusive, confusing and incomplete? What if it does involve violence? I don’t really understand your comments here, but I notice that problems that feel like they have no solution and violence are common issues for me that are related to my autistic traits.

I think you’re saying you are strong and you can handle this and I believe you. But I don’t think you’re hearing me say that this burden that you carry will be spread beyond your fingertips whether you like it or not. We can feel when you are so frustrated at wanting the best for us, but to no avail. I am sure it is something autistic people have in common. Simply my opinion, nothing more, nothing less.

When he was screaming and smashing things every other night it took a huge mental toll on both of us. Without the medication he falls into a deep depression. Before the SSRIs he was going this route with hard core OCD. He was on no medication.

Touchy subject here because I want to tell the story from inside the medication. Before I dare to do that, I definitely absolutely fully support you and I understand and empathize with how difficult it must be when your son is not doing well, and I understand that the medication can help.

So, I would just say that yes, medicine can help quiet those things, but sometimes it is just the external things that are affected. What is happening in the mind can be a much more troubling thing, and the lashing out is an external symptom of whatever is going on in the mind.

For me, everyone around me feels better when I am on medication, but I do not.

Gosh, I hope I am being clear that I support your choices for your son and I am not saying to consider changing his medication… I am just saying that the internal struggle can be a difficult one even when the outward violence has been quieted a little bit.

He’s so young, there’s so many hopeful things for him to learn and grow into. There’s so much time for him to improve like many of the men here have shared. So, keep it up. Do everything you can. My heart goes out to your child because I can understand him in some ways from my own memories.

 

[The Lorax]

He wants to get a degree. I degree is a backup plan if all else fails. Also we are not talking Harvard.

I am talking $100 a credit community college for 2 years, even an AS in Computer Science. That is far better than one of these boot camps. If he wants a 4 year he goes next door to the state university.

But it is his choice. He wants to go to college.

He is a math genius and he likes computer programming. But he doesn't do either for some reason. He just plays Roblox and watches Anime. He tries to do outside things with friends but this is a different generation. He also makes 3d models.

I told him download Unity3d or Godot and make games because you love both.... NO
I told him let me teach you poker you can be a millionaire by 25 with your brain..... NO
I player poker for a living for a few years to help my son then turned the winnings into a different business.

Just had a conversation with him now about school because he came into to apologize for not doing his school work. He goes on these "I'm sorry" chants. We are both sick with a cold so he stayed home. He doesn't like the classes and they are boring. But he wants to graduate with a regular HS diploma. I said again this is a paradox.

I know other parents I talk too have different aspies with different issues. One parent says their daughter blames them for all her woes. They got her accessed and helped her earlier than my child. But she is very anti-social and lonely. I even tried to say "hey my son is really smart and a nice......" and looked at me oddly and kept walking.

Another friend has a genius level intelligence child with borderline personality disorder and ADHD. The kid is smart but smokes pot and has a nicotine addiction. Been Baker acted a few times, got treatment, and at 18 left the family. He is gaunt, looks sick, coughing. They are good people that have spent a fortune getting their kid help.

I'll keep my kid issue thank you very much. I feel for them.

 

[The Lorax]

What if the solution is elusive, confusing and incomplete? What if it does involve violence? I don’t really understand your comments here, but I notice that problems that feel like they have no solution and violence are common issues for me that are related to my autistic traits.

I think you’re saying you are strong and you can handle this and I believe you. But I don’t think you’re hearing me say that this burden that you carry will be spread beyond your fingertips whether you like it or not. We can feel when you are so frustrated at wanting the best for us, but to no avail. I am sure it is something autistic people have in common. Simply my opinion, nothing more, nothing less.


Touchy subject here because I want to tell the story from inside the medication. Before I dare to do that, I definitely absolutely fully support you and I understand and empathize with how difficult it must be when your son is not doing well, and I understand that the medication can help.

So, I would just say that yes, medicine can help quiet those things, but sometimes it is just the external things that are affected. What is happening in the mind can be a much more troubling thing, and the lashing out is an external symptom of whatever is going on in the mind.

For me, everyone around me feels better when I am on medication, but I do not.

Gosh, I hope I am being clear that I support your choices for your son and I am not saying to consider changing his medication… I am just saying that the internal struggle can be a difficult one even when the outward violence has been quieted a little bit.

He’s so young, there’s so many hopeful things for him to learn and grow into. There’s so much time for him to improve like many of the men here have shared. So, keep it up. Do everything you can. My heart goes out to your child because I can understand him in some ways from my own memories.

I hear you. It takes a slight toll. If I was working full time... I couldn't deal with this. Remember you have your tolerances I have mine. Mine are very high. I change my perspective. I feel very lucky in life. I live at the long line of ~120,000,000,000 people that have lived before me pretty much in misery. Being middle class in the USA is better than 99% of the rest of the world. So I feel lucky. That's just how I look at things. I also have ways to deal with stress like walking, exercise, playing poker, watching a movie. We are ok for money too and my wife is lovely. So this is the only stress. Even the violence I can handle it for a while but he was going on for a couple months like this. It got to us.

One thing to know about me is that I don't get offended by anything. You can speak your mind all you want. Especially from people with ASD. Just because I am NT it doesn't mean I don't understand your position. Since my son was diagnosed I have read/watched everything on psychology, sociology, and neurology. If my wife died I'd probably look for another ASD genius wife.

My wife and son change how I look at the word. Us NTs really do have a lot of social rituals that we judge others by. NT are just too much drama.
As for the meds.... before he was on any of them he was, for lack of a better phrase, acting crazy. It went on for a while and just got worse and worse till one day we were like.....

Ok he is closing all the doors and turning off all the lights all the time. He hears us, follows us and turns off the light in our room despite not going in there. Something is off..... He was coming out of his room when we were im the living room to turn off our lights, TV, and doors. We would turn them off he would come out and repeat. We couldn't talk to him, he wouldn't look us in the eye. He looked not right. Then he would go back and occasionally scream at his computer.

The violence started with Citalopram started not working. Then we tried Lamotrigine which AMPLIFIED his violence. Then Risperidone, I keep a log on his behavior and I could track the change and dosage of medication with the violence and anger. The Lamotrigine changed his depression into violence. That is when we almost had a mental breakdown. But I saw the trend on my data sheet.

Prozac worked excellent but after 5 weeks he had unacceptable tics. It was tried twice before Cialopram.
Ability worked amazing. He literally turned into a motivated happy child. But it made him restless which is a really bad side effect. He was on the lowest dose. So we went with Risperidone.

Without the meds we can't live with him. My wife would lose her job due to depression and I couldn't work. The other option would be to send him away. But then you get abandonment issue when he is an adult and hates us even if it works. We don't want that.

He is a good kid, hates drugs, doesn't like alcohol (wife was drinking a bit too much like every day) I asked her to take a blood test and it showed she was poisoning herself and she stopped cold turkey. He doesn't lie. Hugs all the time. Loves us. Loves being with us... a little too much.

The mental illness is his real disability not the autism.

 

[Rodafina]

Without the meds we can't live with him.

Good, you said I can’t offend you, so again, I don’t think you’re hearing me - I totally agree with you that the meds are necessary.

Nevertheless, your son may feel very unwell inside his head despite improved outward behavior… So, that leads to the persistence of the problems you highlighted:

The mental illness is his real disability not the autism.

As someone with both, I would encourage you to consider my perspective that these things are inextricably linked. Being autistic affects both the way that one experiences mental illness and the appropriate course of action to treat it. There are many many mental illness treatments from a traditional framework that are not necessarily helpful to autists. I think it’s best to combine the two when it comes to thinking about treatment, change and processing anxiety, depression and obsessive compulsive thinking.

You’ve given me the go ahead here, and so I will be totally frank… It just sounds like you are not super open to ideas and just needing to vent. Which, is absolutely valuable and appropriate and necessary, and we are here for that. it’s just my observation and the reason why I keep bringing up the idea of anger leaking out.

It sounds like you tolerate hardship well, so don’t take my harping upon this point as any suggestion that you are weak.

 

[The Lorax]

Well we tried the different meds.
He is in individual and group therapy
We took him from public school and put him in private school.

Just as I finished typing this he had another screaming meltdown smashing things in his room. That is now twice in 2 days. It took both of us to intervene for 25m to get him to calm down. Over a computer game.

 

[Aspychata]

Computer games can't be allowed if he doesn't understand the consequences. You sound like you are at your wit's end. You can not tolerate the violent anger outbursts. Because you and your wife cannot stop living life because of your son. You aren't giving him any consequences. Are you frightened to do so? This is requiring some soul searching. You have to be able to say and admit what you can and can't do. Because if his anger isn't controllable, one day, he might turn on one of you. This is no way to live life. And l want to commend you on keeping your wife, yourself, and son together.

You may need to bypass everything, and tell him if he can't do the work, he can homeschool. Another option, hire a Spanish tutor who will engage him, hold him accountable, and he will not be able to engage in anger outbursts or he will lose computer privileges. These are all privileges.

 

[The Lorax]

I fear if we apply consequences and he doubles down, escalates, breaks my wife mentally, she loses her job, then we are screwed. If it was me and him alone different story. If my wife was mentally stable different story.

But we spoke tonight after this incident and just took the computer away deciding this is a good logical rational we can explain to him. Oddly your statement above is pretty much what we discussed. We decided we are not going to go through what we did before. His behavior has been escalating again ever since school started. He refuses to go to both therapies but I make him go or else I take away privledges.

On top of this... my mother broke her hip 6 weeks ago so I am running around taking care of everything. I missed 3 weeks of my work. She got a UTI and had kidney failure. They couldn't fix her and she was put in hospice as terminal. Nothing prepares you for watching a loved one flailing in pain in the emergency room with a look of terror on their face. Everyone expected her to die. Then one day she woke up, cleared of infection, and doesn't remember the past week. But she is so frail and the leg isn't healing due to diabetes that she is now in a nursing home in hospice. At this point she has maybe months to live with the congestive heart failure she also has. 20/20 ejection fraction in each side of her heart. And I have a bad cold as of today.

I know this all sounds crazy almost like I am making it up as I go along but it has been a nightmare year for us. The only good thing is the money. She got a better job, I got a nice contract with the government for a years work that isn't even full time.

And yes I am very frustrated and partially venting. I am a problem solver and I can't seem to solve this one or make it better. But all of you and your experience in life calm me down. All of you are my therapy. This thread has really helped.

A close friend of mine has an even more brilliant son than mine. His kid is 18 with borderline personality disorder but no ASD. He smokes pot, is addicted to nicotine, is coughing and looking gaunt. He doesn't live with the family anymore, and failing school. They did everything to help him. They are good people. Their other kid is fine. We talk a lot. But their first kid is on a physically destructive path. I advised them to get a guardianship over their child but by the time they got around to it the kid said no way. I fear for their son might end up worse.

 

[Aspychata]

We are all here for you. Just please do something for yourself. You are holding everything together. Doubt many of us could walk in your shoes. Also hormones in teens are just at a all time high and this eventually may taper off. Some serious talking needs to happen. If he can't do the work, he will lose the privilege of attending school and can do it online. Maybe that suggestion will be something he will hate, and maybe it will spur him into cleaning up his act.

 

[Aspychata]

Hell no home schooling. My head would explode. He needs the social interaction with his real life friends.

And yes 15 sucks. I remember being sad thinking I would never have a girlfriend at 15. Well... I had plenty of them when I was 18 and beyond.

I understand no to homeschooled, however he needs to attend school as a responsible student, because life commands this from us. School helps us understand goals, discipline and so on. My daughter also had a tough time in Spanish, barely got thru it. Everybody hated the Spanish teacher. I didn't ride her case at all. I stepped back, because tough subjects happen, just like bad jobs do. They need to work through this and figure it out themselves. I never held her hand or harassed her about grades. The pressure was off. They have to make their choices and live with their choices. They have to discover their path. We suggest, we hope, but ultimately it rests with them. Maybe a year off after school in a internship abroad might be great for him. There is great programs for students to do like live abroad and attend school.

https://www.indeed.com/m/jobs?q=Internship+16+Year+Old
This had internships for 16 years-old.
This had Lockheed Martin, and other cool internships in the US. Is he ready for this, probably not, but maybe he might get passionate and step up to the plate. I went abroad after high school. I came back a different person.

 

[Shevek]

Well, maybe there is a conflict in core beliefs that is not getting talked about. When I first heard the Golden Rule, it kept me out of so much unexpected trouble that I became just deaf to a lot of "practical" advice. For instance, I wouldn't use connections to get a job if it was unfair to newcomers. However, I would never criticize my parents for recommending things like that, either.

There is also a possibility that you are just dealing with an entertainment addiction. That stuff is very highly engineered.

 

[Todd]

My son is absolutely brilliant. His social skills are better than most other aspies. He is teachable and has real life friends.
He is 15, scored top 1% on the PSAT. 2 years ahead in school.

He did very well until 9th grade then fell apart because depression hit.
We don't show any disappointment or anger with him. We fully support him with love.

We now have him in private school after the 9th grade debacle, individual therapy, group therapy. It is killing us financially.

In school he refuses to do homework, and in half his classes e refuses to do the classwork. Even the simplest thing.
Example. He is excelling in Spanish just on his memory passing the test with 92% but hasn't done any work killing his grade.
All the teachers are bending over backwards for him.

He has a simple crossword puzzle to do for Spanish. I tried everything and finally I said I will do it for you, Just read the question so I know you know the words and I will fill in the answer. If you don't know the words we will use Google translate to get the answers. It is about practice and memory. It is required for college. Work smart not hard I tell him. I can do it in 5 minutes.

.......NO! I don't want to do it.
me - Why? I am doing it for you?
him - Stop asking me (hands over the ears) shutdown mode.

Frankly the work in these advanced classes is easy compared to what I had to do and I wasnt in advanced classes. No brainer with today's technology available.

My wife and I are almost at the point of giving up. Just letting him do the classes he wants so he gets the social practice and telling him to take the GED whenever. But he doesn't want that. He wants to take the full load and graduate then go to college. But this logic isn't getting through... He has to do the work to pass. Confronting him with the reality of the situation leads to a shutdown and pressed eventually a screaming meltdown.

We are at wits end. I am so incredibly angry at this illogical situation but I don't show it to him

My son is absolutely brilliant. His social skills are better than most other aspies. He is teachable and has real life friends.
He is 15, scored top 1% on the PSAT. 2 years ahead in school.

He did very well until 9th grade then fell apart because depression hit.
We don't show any disappointment or anger with him. We fully support him with love.

We now have him in private school after the 9th grade debacle, individual therapy, group therapy. It is killing us financially.

In school he refuses to do homework, and in half his classes e refuses to do the classwork. Even the simplest thing.
Example. He is excelling in Spanish just on his memory passing the test with 92% but hasn't done any work killing his grade.
All the teachers are bending over backwards for him.

He has a simple crossword puzzle to do for Spanish. I tried everything and finally I said I will do it for you, Just read the question so I know you know the words and I will fill in the answer. If you don't know the words we will use Google translate to get the answers. It is about practice and memory. It is required for college. Work smart not hard I tell him. I can do it in 5 minutes.

.......NO! I don't want to do it.
me - Why? I am doing it for you?
him - Stop asking me (hands over the ears) shutdown mode.

Frankly the work in these advanced classes is easy compared to what I had to do and I wasnt in advanced classes. No brainer with today's technology available.

My wife and I are almost at the point of giving up. Just letting him do the classes he wants so he gets the social practice and telling him to take the GED whenever. But he doesn't want that. He wants to take the full load and graduate then go to college. But this logic isn't getting through... He has to do the work to pass. Confronting him with the reality of the situation leads to a shutdown and pressed eventually a screaming meltdown.

We are at wits end. I am so incredibly angry at this illogical situation but I don't show it to him or my wife. Please advise as we are out of ideas.

or my wife. Please advise as we are out of ideas.

Just a couple of thinking points...
If you are angry, he knows it whether you hide it or not.
He understands the flaw in logic you have pointed out - he is stuck on a different point, one which means a great deal to him, one he wants you to know without having to tell you.
Maybe he has decided to take control over his situation as an alternative to being subjected to the decisions made for him by grownups which always result in either/or? Maybe.
Perhaps his only tangible identity has become being very smart (I'm certain he's heard it 10,000 times), and this does not fulfil who he truly wants to be. Perhaps.
The only way forward is to remove all pressure and ultimatums, and then love life with your son.
He's not old enough to understand what he may or may not regret in the future, so let him make his own mistakes - there is zero reason in 2022 to rush into tertiary education... (especially if you're struggling to afford it)
One final note - you have no idea whatsoever regarding the social skills of 'most other Aspies'.

My son is absolutely brilliant. His social skills are better than most other aspies. He is teachable and has real life friends.
He is 15, scored top 1% on the PSAT. 2 years ahead in school.

He did very well until 9th grade then fell apart because depression hit.
We don't show any disappointment or anger with him. We fully support him with love.

We now have him in private school after the 9th grade debacle, individual therapy, group therapy. It is killing us financially.

In school he refuses to do homework, and in half his classes e refuses to do the classwork. Even the simplest thing.
Example. He is excelling in Spanish just on his memory passing the test with 92% but hasn't done any work killing his grade.
All the teachers are bending over backwards for him.

He has a simple crossword puzzle to do for Spanish. I tried everything and finally I said I will do it for you, Just read the question so I know you know the words and I will fill in the answer. If you don't know the words we will use Google translate to get the answers. It is about practice and memory. It is required for college. Work smart not hard I tell him. I can do it in 5 minutes.

.......NO! I don't want to do it.
me - Why? I am doing it for you?
him - Stop asking me (hands over the ears) shutdown mode.

Frankly the work in these advanced classes is easy compared to what I had to do and I wasnt in advanced classes. No brainer with today's technology available.

My wife and I are almost at the point of giving up. Just letting him do the classes he wants so he gets the social practice and telling him to take the GED whenever. But he doesn't want that. He wants to take the full load and graduate then go to college. But this logic isn't getting through... He has to do the work to pass. Confronting him with the reality of the situation leads to a shutdown and pressed eventually a screaming meltdown.

We are at wits end. I am so incredibly angry at this illogical situation but I don't show it to him or my wife. Please advise as we are out of ideas.