Brilliant Aspie son won't do simple homework

[Shevek]

Maybe he has not resigned himself to life being full of tedious chores. Most guitar playing is very repetitive, but we mostly notice the lead.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

A lot of very bright people like to do it their way, read any biography on Einstein, did not like high school, changed countries, when he went to university, he relied on others to go to lectures for him. could not get a job when he graduated ended up in patent office. I see this story over and over again. in my own family I found out they actually changed the rules at the school board level we were brighter than they were so they assumed we could better control our own education then they could. they were right.

 

[Shevek]

School started off so easy for me that I never did learn good study habits. If something seems interesting and useful, it sticks, and if I hit an interesting puzzle, I may be up all night to get it sorted, but I seldom get anything from lectures for average students. I may start off with a keen focus, but then the teacher will re-explain things in different ways. The second time that I get led right back to what I learned the first two times I feel like a Fox who has just been tricked into getting a mouthful of feathers, and may start shouting "SAY SOMETHING NEW" if it is not too disruptive. I loathe verbal presentations, because there is never a marker for when a new concept is being introduced, so I still have to pay attention in utter frustration. With books, I can take time to integrate new info as needed, review easily, and skip ahead to the good stuff.
To teach tolerance for easy tasks, it might be good to go indirectly. Aspies sometimes like "stimming" to calm down. Perhaps an interest in playing music or juggling would teach how to find a meditative state to banish boredom.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

If I had ever studied, which I seldom did study before a major test then do very well, Why I went to college rather than university.

 

[The Lorax]

I am a little concerned about that. But he doesn't play games all the time. He watches science and math videos. He likes anime. He does 3d graphic design in blender. He codes. So his time isn't all gaming. I'd have to say maybe at most 30% of his computer time?

At least today we figured out what is causing his meltdowns. A specific 1v1 game. I explained these guys play 24/7 that's why you can't beat them. They are addicted. I gave him some examples.

He also went to all his classes today which is good. But he still isn't good in the head. He says he is depressed at least once a day.

 

[The Lorax]

I don't pressure him. I even offered 3 classes for social + GED. I explained why. He wants to do everything normal. But he isn't doing the work as I said before. He is struggling with the demons he has. My ASD wife is closer to a "regular" parent than I am.

Today he went to all his classes, did all his work, and did his homework on his own. And he was happy.
I said "see you do something that you can succeed and accomplish at you feel better"
I got a "whatever dad" which means "yea yea I know you are right I just hate to admit it"

 

[Rodafina]

I said "see you do something that you can succeed and accomplish at you feel better"

I offer my opinion in the gentlest way here: I would’ve heard you saying “I told you so” with these words.

I don’t want to be a downer on your good day. Congratulations and well done all around.

But how about something like, “Wow, I’m so happy you’re happy. You worked hard for this. Well done.” If you’re still looking for input and alternate perspectives, that is.

When I imagine being your son, it would be tiring to have everyone always trying to help me and fix me and show me that if I listen to them I will be well. In fact, I have that now, and it is infuriating and tiring and makes me wish people would just leave me alone.

Sorry, I feel like I’m such a downer to your post, but I think you can take it. I know you are seeking honesty and can filter out what isn’t meaningful to you.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

Having raised two boys, one costing us special education I feel for you the teenage years can be brutal, as the hormones settle down things do improve. both my sons went to college one dropped out for a while until he realized that was not a great idea. the other had issues with his wood working course then he followed my advice matured finished the three years graduated and got great jobs. Bottom line it worked out in the end, made my wife and I sweat for a few years.

 

[The Lorax]

@Rodafina No, these insights are good. These are things I don't think about. But in this case by his response I knew what he meant. He was happy the rest of the night and went to his group therapy session and had a great time.

 

[The Lorax]

@Ronald Zeeman That is what we are hoping for. But it got worse from 14 to 15.

 

[JackAdams]

My son is absolutely brilliant. His social skills are better than most other aspies. He is teachable and has real life friends.
He is 15, scored top 1% on the PSAT. 2 years ahead in school.

He did very well until 9th grade then fell apart because depression hit.
We don't show any disappointment or anger with him. We fully support him with love.

We now have him in private school after the 9th grade debacle, individual therapy, group therapy. It is killing us financially.

In school he refuses to do homework, and in half his classes e refuses to do the classwork. Even the simplest thing.
Example. He is excelling in Spanish just on his memory passing the test with 92% but hasn't done any work killing his grade.
All the teachers are bending over backwards for him.

He has a simple crossword puzzle to do for Spanish. I tried everything and finally I said I will do it for you, Just read the question so I know you know the words and I will fill in the answer. If you don't know the words we will use Google translate to get the answers. It is about practice and memory. It is required for college. Work smart not hard I tell him. I can do it in 5 minutes.

.......NO! I don't want to do it.
me - Why? I am doing it for you?
him - Stop asking me (hands over the ears) shutdown mode.

Frankly the work in these advanced classes is easy compared to what I had to do and I wasnt in advanced classes. No brainer with today's technology available.

My wife and I are almost at the point of giving up. Just letting him do the classes he wants so he gets the social practice and telling him to take the GED whenever. But he doesn't want that. He wants to take the full load and graduate then go to college. But this logic isn't getting through... He has to do the work to pass. Confronting him with the reality of the situation leads to a shutdown and pressed eventually a screaming meltdown.

We are at wits end. I am so incredibly angry at this illogical situation but I don't show it to him or my wife. Please advise as we are out of ideas.

I was in a similar situation to your son when I was 15. I dropped out of school at the beginning of 10th grade, I barely passed 9th grade due to frequent absences.

The reason he doesn’t do homework is a purely logical decision. He already knows the subject material, so why does he have to slave away doing unpaid overtime when he already knows the material?

The fact he has to do homework itself is the only illogical part of this.

Homework, and modern school in general, is solely designed to drain your soul and turn you into a slave. You do not learn anything of practical value.

Another thing to get straight, his depression is solely caused by his environment and is a natural reaction to his environment. Stop treating him like a slave and he will stop being one. Drop the therapy, it does nothing but drain his soul ( and your bank account ) even further. He doesn’t need to talk about his current feelings, but go out and create better ones.

If I could go back in time I would have taken the GED test right after dropping out and went into an electricians apprenticeship as soon as possible. I feel 1000x better working for money and learning practical skills, than slaving away in school, learning nothing and losing my soul with not a thing to show for it.

In my opinion, there is no possible situation where a young man with aspergers syndrome can complete modern schooling. The nature of the freeman is completely in contrast to the slave which modern schooling, private or public, seeks to turn him into.

The reason he isn’t choosing the GED route at this moment is likely the same reason I didn’t. He believes that surely there is some logic to the way the world works and that he will be able to complete high school his way ( the objectively correct way ) by passing tests to prove he knows the material. Unfortunately this isn’t true.

I’d recommend letting him drop out of school and quickly moving him towards a GED and getting on the job experience. He could choose to go to college ( engineering is ideal for aspies ) however he will likely suffer in that environment as well. Personally I chose not to and went straight to working as an electrician’s apprentice.

Lastly if you want to be a perfect father I’d recommend taking his side on homework. Homework is a completely indefensible position, there is no logical reason for it to exist. It’s still unrealistic to expect them to let your son get away with not doing it as it’s one of their main methods of control but it will make your son feel tremendously better and he will respect you a lot more for defending him against the school rather than siding with them ( which makes him feel alone and betrayed ).

Any illogical feeling you get from your son’s behavior is a result of you not understanding he is fighting to uphold his freedom and autonomy against a school that wants to enslave him.